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Original poster

People making me feel guilty because DH does the school run...

103 replies

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:10

I dont know what it is but because he does the school run i feel as though people treat me like I dont do anything.

I cant put my finger on it. But if I'm working or doing something else people might say in shock, but who is picking up the kids? And when I say DH they act like its strange.

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

But the respect people give him for doing the school run because he is a male...

Its making me feel guilty too. Right now I'm feeling like a shit parent. Like I'm not doing enough because my day isn't revolved around the school run.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 02/10/2022 08:38

I know what you mean op. We always used to share the morning drop off but when H changed jobs when DS was in primary school he was on gardening leave for 6.5 weeks (common in his industry as they don't want you to Nick the clients).

Well the praise he got for doing the school run every day! Of course he was bloody doing it - he wasn't actually working!!

It's a feature of our society which praises men for doing the most basic of things.

Cm078 · 02/10/2022 08:39

My DP does the nursery run as i start work early or work nights.
When i first returned to work on a night shift one of my colleagues said "who's looking after the baby?" Ummm his dad?😂
I don't think I'm judged for it, more that people are shocked because his Dad plays such an active part in his life.
Don't worry, let them think what they want.

DarkForces · 02/10/2022 08:42

DH does 4/5 school runs as I start work earlier than him most days. It definitely doesn't mean he gets to opt out of other chores for the rest of the day and I'm no more grateful to him than he is for me emptying the dishwasher and feeding the dog first thing. I see loads of dads dropping off on my day to drop dd in. Times are changing!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 02/10/2022 08:43

My dh used to do the school run, I don't remember any comments or raised eyebrows. It was pretty common at our school... lots of dads there every day.

HardLanding · 02/10/2022 08:43

Arseholes. At our school, it’s an even split between male/female doing the school run.

Probably pissed off as they have useless DHs that do fuck all/they love being a Mummy Martyr

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 02/10/2022 08:45

It's true the bar is set so low for men. My own parents say often how 'wonderful it is that DH supports you'. Um- because they are his kids? I used to travel a week here and there for work and when I would be away the neighbours rally around and have him over for dinner. Then DH was away two consecutive years for 6 months non-stop and I never once got the 'how do you manage it?! Come around for dinner you poor thing' like he did.

That said, since covid and more people working from home (which we now do almost exclusively) we share the school runs and I would say that there are as many dads doing that as mums for the same sorts of reasons. It's by no means unusual where we are.

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 02/10/2022 08:46

(Because I sound confusing - DH was away for 6 months non-stop for 2 consecutive years. March-September)

Rosehugger · 02/10/2022 08:50

I had raised eyebrows too, from other women. Mostly when I used to run in a group on a Saturday morning and told them I had young children. "Where are they, then?"

"Er...[is this a trick question?] with DH."

"Wow - you have him well-trained."

😡

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/10/2022 08:52

Your problem is that you're grateful for him doing the bare minimum. Forget the rest, he's taking the piss.

WaddleAway · 02/10/2022 08:54

My DH does the school run and no one has ever mentioned it to me or him. Loads of dads do the school run at my children’s school. DH works from home whereas I work 45 mins away so it’s far easier for him to do it.

Original poster
Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 08:54

Glad to see that I'm not the only one.
Yes the bar is set low for men.

My sister couldn't go back to work after having her baby as her partner wouldn entertain changing any days or times of work and I dont think she pushed him on it either.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 02/10/2022 08:54

Oh and he also does all the cooking.

Successgirl2022 · 02/10/2022 08:55

I know I am a great Mum (based on facts) because I have high self-esteem and enough confidence to feel that.

Work on your self-esteem and you will never feel like that.

I would tell everyone who says it (in my head) 'Mind your own business! I am very proud we are a great team with my DH and work together.'

Those Mums who do the school run can get bullied by their DHs, sometimes family why they earn nothing or peanuts because they are always there for every school run drop off & pick up.

NoWordForFluffy · 02/10/2022 08:57

SpinningFloppa · 02/10/2022 01:12

Sounds like this is how you feel about yourself rather than what other people think, loads of dads down at my kids school no one bats an eyelid.

Yeah. My DH does the school run and always has. People know I work FT (he's PT) and can't do it. 🤷‍♀️

He was also a SAHD during the preschool years.

Successgirl2022 · 02/10/2022 08:58
deedledeedledum · 02/10/2022 08:59

I've never had this sort of reaction. Our parenting has always been teamwork. Early on I did it all as DH worked in the city. Earned big ££ and had no time. Then when he changed direction and work from home he did most of the drop offs and pick ups. No one batted an eyelid. Maybe it's where you live or maybe it's your paranoia

Cuddlywuddlies · 02/10/2022 09:00

I don’t think they are judging, it’s not a big deal. My dh does 90% of drop offs and pick ups and makes 6 out of 7 dinners each week @Twilightimmortal amongst other things. I’m not going to put him on a pedestal. He should do it…he’s a parent ffs. I do plenty too…we work together.

woff45 · 02/10/2022 09:03

Really? Whilst I know men get applauded for doing things we have to do, but school run isn't one of those things in my experience, my dad did most of the school runs back in the 90s! There's always been a mix of men and women at the gates in the years we've been doing school run, I'm surprised anyone would have an opinion on this.

madasawethen · 02/10/2022 09:08

Try to ignore these people the best you can.

Also since you're working outside of the home, it's unfair for him not to be doing his fair share of cooking, cleaning, etc.

I lived in a different country when my children were young and there were no school runs as everyone rode the school bus to and from school.

Goosygandy · 02/10/2022 09:10

I did everything when my kids were little. Literally everything. Not because I wanted to because I really tried hard to make him help. But you can't force another adult to do anything. All I could have done was leave him, which I didn't and now realise that was a wrong decision before anyone mentions it. I didn't realise my bar was too low as I was surrounded by other similar men.

I have two sons and I would go nuts if they thought they were gods for doing the school run or cooking a meal. I would also have a healthy degree of scorn for anyone who offered to help them, and not their mother, look after their own children just because they have a penis.

OP just think it's socialisation thar makes you feel guilty, it's not the objective facts. If people challenge your arrangements just think it's their old fashioned attitudes not you being in the wrong.

Autumntime2022 · 02/10/2022 09:11

Are you sure people are not just making conversation rather than being judgy? I used to get asked at least once who was looking after my child when I went on a night out with work.

Lopilo · 02/10/2022 09:14

At least 50% of parents at my son’s morning drop off are Dads. The location of the school and early drop off time means it is easy to do on the way to work. Afternoon pick up has more mums but quite a few dads(especially since WFH came in). I have never seen anyone fawn in admiration over the dads. They just stand around chatting or talking on their phones, like everyone else.

purplemunkey · 02/10/2022 09:15

To the PP who said ‘ignore the pricks on here being goady’ - no-one is being a prick, this is their genuine experience. For me, DH does drop offs and I do pick ups so we’re 50/50 at school gates. I see many, many Dad’s at school gates and no one has ever commented on the fact my DH does the school run. My genuine lived experience.

Evidently from this thread, that’s not the same for everyone.

OP, it sounds like you ARE getting some shitty comments - they are the pricks to ignore. But that there is also some guilt thrown in - don’t feel guilty, it sounds like you so plenty!!

NCHammer2022 · 02/10/2022 09:18

Does he do every single drop off and pick up? I do them all because of DH’s working requirements being much less flexible than mine and it is a bit relentless so I think YA a bit U saying you know it’s not a big deal because you do it every so often. It’s a pain doing all of the school runs because your time is so constrained. Other people’s reactions are weird though, I can’t say I know or care what most of my friends, family or colleagues do.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 09:29

NCHammer2022 · 02/10/2022 09:18

Does he do every single drop off and pick up? I do them all because of DH’s working requirements being much less flexible than mine and it is a bit relentless so I think YA a bit U saying you know it’s not a big deal because you do it every so often. It’s a pain doing all of the school runs because your time is so constrained. Other people’s reactions are weird though, I can’t say I know or care what most of my friends, family or colleagues do.

It might be inconvenient but he's happy to let OP do everything else:

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

I'd say school runs aren't something to be considered that big a deal if it's pretty much the only bit of parental responsibility someone takes on...

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