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Original poster

People making me feel guilty because DH does the school run...

103 replies

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:10

I dont know what it is but because he does the school run i feel as though people treat me like I dont do anything.

I cant put my finger on it. But if I'm working or doing something else people might say in shock, but who is picking up the kids? And when I say DH they act like its strange.

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

But the respect people give him for doing the school run because he is a male...

Its making me feel guilty too. Right now I'm feeling like a shit parent. Like I'm not doing enough because my day isn't revolved around the school run.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

OP posts:

WhileAFoxIsWatching · 02/10/2022 06:05

Perhaps these people are cunts, OP

MintJulia · 02/10/2022 06:11

How old are you? 🙂Isn't it time you stopped worrying about what other people think?

You must have a HUGE amount of time o your hands.

Cakeycrumbz · 02/10/2022 06:20

My kids dad does the school runs! I am only earning £150 a month cleaning but I don't drive. So he takes them mostly as my 4 year-old stil gets tired and its a mile walk. Not that far really! But yeah he pops out in the afternoon to grab them and have a break!

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 02/10/2022 06:24

OP - ignore the pricks on this thread being goady for the sake of it.

I know EXACTLY what you mean. My DH and I split everything fairly and he is involved in everything except the washing (due to my control freak nature over washing - I can’t help it). I have had numerous comments about how amazing he is simply for doing his job as a father. I’ve also had an argument with a family member who accused me of letting him “do too much”. Because sexism. Because internalised misogyny.

He’s a brilliant dad and husband. But do I fuck feel grateful for him doing his fair share.

Lampzade · 02/10/2022 06:28

Cailleachian · 02/10/2022 04:28

Oh god - so common. Mother is the default parent and is responsible for all things children, if father does anything, it is not only a massive sacrifice on their part that must be fully appreciated, but also evidence of maternal neglect.

My kids are grown now, but their Dad was a sahd, while I worked in a fairly senior role.

First day of new job after DS2 , got grilled by older male colleague (same seniority) about my childcare arrangements and what I would do if children became ill.
School phoned me in work- got me out of a client meeting to take the call - to tell me that my 6 year old refused to wear a hat at playtime, but their dad had said that he needed to because he had a cold, what should they do?
Got a message from the school that they had taken 8 year old DS to A&E. I cancelled everything, rushed to the hospital texting their dad on the way, assuming that they hadnt been able to get hold of him because he had a hospital appt (coincidentally at the same hospital). When I got there, he was already in A&E with 2 teachers+son, who had a ziptie thing on his finger. Within 5 mins of my arrival we got called to triage where the nurse took a pair of nail scissors and snipped it off. They hadnt bothered to call him, but took me aside to let me know that it could have been serious and that my secretary had told them I was in a meeting and could not be disturbed when they called (this was not long after the hat incident which had become office lore as I'd taken the call in an open plan area ).
While I was abroad on a work trip, just prior to a presentation, I got a phone call from the headteacher to say that lunch money must be exact and paid daily for each child, and that it was not just good enough to send in a fiver to cover 2x£2.30 and this was the second time this week it had happened. I had literally 10 mins until the presentation and could not get the headteacher off the damn phone.
School used to phone me when Dad signed the slips to confirm that I was in agreement with sons going on school trips, because allegedly legally they had to have agreement from both parents (utter bullshit)
School CONTINUALLY referrred to me by my childrens surname (their dad's surname), despite me having a different one, when I corrected, I was told it was confusing for the children and it was best if I adopted Mrs <Childrens surname> when dealing with family matters.

My children are teenagers now. When they were younger I worked in a very demanding role. Dh was self employed so we both agreed that he would be the first port of call if there was any issues with the school.
His two phone numbers were given as the main contact and mine as the second contact.
Please tell me why the school would contact me with minor issues without having first contacted dh who was the main contact.?
I would ask them if they had attempted to contact dh and they would confess that they hadn’t even attempted to phone him.
Used to really piss me off

Lampzade · 02/10/2022 06:29

were any issues

Lindy2 · 02/10/2022 06:30

Since the lockdowns and more people working from home I've seen a lot more men doing the school run in our area. I'm surprised people find your situation unusual because it really isn't.

Even if your DH wasn't collecting your children surely it's fairly common to use an after school club or childminder for pick ups. Working parents aren't unusual at all are they.

You need to just carry on and stop worrying about what other people think. If they sound surprised when you talk about your family routine point out to them that there's really nothing unusual about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/10/2022 06:30

If you are being left to do everything else, I’d be questioning that rather than who does the school run.

bettbburg · 02/10/2022 06:33

Maybe they are surprised that this lazy man is actually doing some parenting for a change

custardbear · 02/10/2022 06:35

My DH usually does the school run (with DDog) no one bats an eyelid. He's working but sorts his diary around pick up. My meetings are more difficult to adjust so it just works for us.
No one questions me at work. If they did I'd definitely be 👀 WTAF because their dad is capable of such duties ... he even does the washing in our house 😵 and makes DS packed lunch

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 02/10/2022 06:59

Are these people who have actually met your dh or just random people in work who don't know him? They may be imagining a Kevin from motherland figure who does the majority of the parenting rather than a Dad who picks the dc up as their only contribution to family life. It is probably more apparent at the school gates which type he is.

Giantemadoob · 02/10/2022 07:07

Dh worked with people in different countries so his working day often started later so he would do a school run. I was a long term sahm and people thought it was lovely that he did that "for me." He would tell everyone he is a parent just like them, he likes doing the school run. He also came to every sports day bringing me a fresh cup of coffee on his way back from work. He was like a god to some Mums but I think their bar must just be very low. It was so sad. We had lots of Dads do the school run due to work schedules.

The main bit for me that stood out from your post was Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc hmm why is he not cooking or cleaning if he is either home before you or not working that day? That is the part I would take massive issue with.

Squashpocket · 02/10/2022 07:23

You need to work on not caring what other people think OP. Everyone has an opinion and you can't win. Ignore them.

Rinatinabina · 02/10/2022 07:35

Are you sure it’s not just you. DH does the morning school run and sometimes pick ups if he’s available, I live in a much more traditional country than the UK and I see plenty of dads at pick up and drop off.

Rinatinabina · 02/10/2022 07:38

Cailleachian · 02/10/2022 04:28

My kids are grown now, but their Dad was a sahd, while I worked in a fairly senior role.

First day of new job after DS2 , got grilled by older male colleague (same seniority) about my childcare arrangements and what I would do if children became ill.
School phoned me in work- got me out of a client meeting to take the call - to tell me that my 6 year old refused to wear a hat at playtime, but their dad had said that he needed to because he had a cold, what should they do?
Got a message from the school that they had taken 8 year old DS to A&E. I cancelled everything, rushed to the hospital texting their dad on the way, assuming that they hadnt been able to get hold of him because he had a hospital appt (coincidentally at the same hospital). When I got there, he was already in A&E with 2 teachers+son, who had a ziptie thing on his finger. Within 5 mins of my arrival we got called to triage where the nurse took a pair of nail scissors and snipped it off. They hadnt bothered to call him, but took me aside to let me know that it could have been serious and that my secretary had told them I was in a meeting and could not be disturbed when they called (this was not long after the hat incident which had become office lore as I'd taken the call in an open plan area ).
While I was abroad on a work trip, just prior to a presentation, I got a phone call from the headteacher to say that lunch money must be exact and paid daily for each child, and that it was not just good enough to send in a fiver to cover 2x£2.30 and this was the second time this week it had happened. I had literally 10 mins until the presentation and could not get the headteacher off the damn phone.
School used to phone me when Dad signed the slips to confirm that I was in agreement with sons going on school trips, because allegedly legally they had to have agreement from both parents (utter bullshit)
School CONTINUALLY referrred to me by my childrens surname (their dad's surname), despite me having a different one, when I corrected, I was told it was confusing for the children and it was best if I adopted Mrs <Childrens surname> when dealing with family matters.

Just wtf, thats just purposefully obtuse behaviour. I would have sat the teacher down and explained slowly that I am not the primary carer. Hat thing is quite funny though lol.

shedwithivy · 02/10/2022 07:41

Loads of dads at our school drop off... loads, in fact it's probably 40% mums, 30% dads, 30% grandparent/childminder. I think this is more about what you feel rather than what people think (do you feel like he gets the best bits and you get the drudgery?)

layladomino · 02/10/2022 07:42

Surely it isn't rare for dads to do the school run? My DCs are adults now and I rarely did it, and can't recall anyone ever asking or commenting. And even then, all those years ago, there were a few dads who did it.

Either you are imagining these people's judegement of you, or you mix with particularly old fashioned people.

Tayegete · 02/10/2022 07:48

Total sexism and really sad that people still think this way. I remember rushing back from work, picking up the kids and DH and going to my elderly dads so I could be there when the dr came. I asked DH to serve tea for the kids whilst I spoke to the dr (I’d cooked it - he literally just had to put it on the plates) and my dad said - poor DH he’s been at work all day. DH now does all the cooking and when the DC were younger regularly did half the pick up/ drop offs and I regularly get told how lucky I was that DH “helps” despite us both working full time and earning similar amounts.

Candycanesandpopcorn · 02/10/2022 07:51

I’ve posted before about my MIL. She lost her shit totally a few months ago because of this exact issue !
she called demanding a lift somewhere but it was nearly pick up time and she went mad saying dh should be available for her not doing jobs I should be doing ! Told me I’m weak and how none of the men in the family should be looking after children that they are meant to be ‘working or chilling out’ 🤦‍♀️ told me how they’ve all discussed me and how worried they are for dh

WonderingWanda · 02/10/2022 08:00

That sounds rubbish op. Is it a cultural thing maybe? Where I live there are lots of Dad's doing the school run, both parents working and no one would bat an eyelid or heap praise on the dh's. It's just normal. However, I can imagine if you live in an area with a more traditional wives stay home with the kids vibe r are working with much older people who might have raised their kids thaf way then those people might be a bit judgey, I am sure they are really just envious that you've got a dh that pitches in, don't take it personally just have a retort in mind like 'They're his kids too, he doesn't need a medal'

KangarooKenny · 02/10/2022 08:02

Plenty of men doing the school run was I was at the school gates. The only time I saw some mums was at the nativity.
I wouldn’t find it strange at all.

Bumblenums · 02/10/2022 08:12

Our school run is juggled by me, DH, Nanny and grandad - I do it a bit more now I can wfh post covid but I didn't do it for years- I remember doing it once when I had a day off and the teacher said 'we dont see you very often do we.' Ffs

ColinRobinsonsfamiliar · 02/10/2022 08:15

This is unfortunate OP but not my experience.

My job meant that under no circumstances could I be disturbed at work so my dh has always been 1st contact and I can honestly say that schools have always abided by this.

If I managed to get a break, I would check for text messages from dh if something serious had happened he would text. Nothing from school.

DH does about 80% of the childcare & he says that he gets the impression that other parents think he is a single parent as they have never met/seen me.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/10/2022 08:17

I've had this from workmates before. I was at work during the school holidays and I was asked who was looking after my children! I just raised an eyebrow and said 'their father'. People just don't think before they speak and it's best to treat these kind of questions with wry amusement.

Limpshade · 02/10/2022 08:25

Went on a few days' business trip a few months ago, the first time since having kids (six years!) Got asked many times who was looking after the kids (my colleagues and family alike). My husband travels frequently for work (he's away one week out of every month) and has done for almost a decade. I told him about the comments when I got home and he was pretty shocked. He didn't think a single person had ever asked him that on a trip in nine years.

Funny that

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