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Original poster

People making me feel guilty because DH does the school run...

103 replies

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 01:10

I dont know what it is but because he does the school run i feel as though people treat me like I dont do anything.

I cant put my finger on it. But if I'm working or doing something else people might say in shock, but who is picking up the kids? And when I say DH they act like its strange.

I do EVERYTHING at home and deal with all the mental load. He wakes up does the school run, sometimes goes to work (self-employed), picks them up. Waits for me to come home so I can cook, clean, bedtime story etc.

But the respect people give him for doing the school run because he is a male...

Its making me feel guilty too. Right now I'm feeling like a shit parent. Like I'm not doing enough because my day isn't revolved around the school run.

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal.

OP posts:
Lucyintheskywithrubies · 02/10/2022 09:35

Candycanesandpopcorn · 02/10/2022 07:51

I’ve posted before about my MIL. She lost her shit totally a few months ago because of this exact issue !
she called demanding a lift somewhere but it was nearly pick up time and she went mad saying dh should be available for her not doing jobs I should be doing ! Told me I’m weak and how none of the men in the family should be looking after children that they are meant to be ‘working or chilling out’ 🤦‍♀️ told me how they’ve all discussed me and how worried they are for dh

Omg do we share the same ILs?! 😂

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 02/10/2022 09:37

theres loads of men at drop off/pick up at our school. No one’s ever batted an eyelid when it’s not me

ThreeLocusts · 02/10/2022 09:38

I hear you OP. I and DH both work full time; I have slight mobility issues so he does more of the school runs than I do. I'm always slightly worried about what fellow parents think.

The bigger issue though is how the distribution of tasks plays out in the politics of yout relationship. As a clearly defined and very visible task, the school run can serve to shut down any complaints about asymmetries elsewhere. It makes it much harder to argue that he should do more of the relentless, niggling small stuff like wiping surfaces and replacing toilet rolls.

Tricky. How often have I though 'how come men think they can expect a medal for taking care of their kids?'

robertpaulson · 02/10/2022 09:40

SpinningFloppa · 02/10/2022 01:12

Sounds like this is how you feel about yourself rather than what other people think, loads of dads down at my kids school no one bats an eyelid.

Same. I couldn't care less, too busy thinking about my own responsibilities

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 02/10/2022 09:40

purplemunkey · 02/10/2022 09:15

To the PP who said ‘ignore the pricks on here being goady’ - no-one is being a prick, this is their genuine experience. For me, DH does drop offs and I do pick ups so we’re 50/50 at school gates. I see many, many Dad’s at school gates and no one has ever commented on the fact my DH does the school run. My genuine lived experience.

Evidently from this thread, that’s not the same for everyone.

OP, it sounds like you ARE getting some shitty comments - they are the pricks to ignore. But that there is also some guilt thrown in - don’t feel guilty, it sounds like you so plenty!!

@purplemunkey yeah because pp saying for eg “what a load of tosh” when OP shares HER lived experience isn’t goady 🙄

Ylvamoon · 02/10/2022 09:40

My DH used to do the school run... I never battered an eyelid!

I think you feel guilty, for what? And why?

LadyKenya · 02/10/2022 09:43

Honestly, who cares? As long as the child is being picked up.

notacooldad · 02/10/2022 09:46

How very odd.
Dh was doing the school run, making kids tea and ironing uniforms and taking the kids to Cubs and swimming lessons as well as doing the 'big shop' 20 years ago. I wasnt grateful nor did people comment.
We worked as a team and I worked shifts.

Personally I'd be telling your Dh to pull his bloody ginger out and share the load with you. It's a bit pathetic if that's all he does and you do everything else.

ThreeLocusts · 02/10/2022 09:48

Candycanesandpopcorn · 02/10/2022 07:51

I’ve posted before about my MIL. She lost her shit totally a few months ago because of this exact issue !
she called demanding a lift somewhere but it was nearly pick up time and she went mad saying dh should be available for her not doing jobs I should be doing ! Told me I’m weak and how none of the men in the family should be looking after children that they are meant to be ‘working or chilling out’ 🤦‍♀️ told me how they’ve all discussed me and how worried they are for dh

Gosh this is so revealing what you MIL said - the 'chilling out' part I mean. The notion that men are entitled to leisure time.

Free time is such a f.ing luxury in a household with kids. There is this weird social theorist, Thorstein Veblen - best known for popularizing the term 'conspicuous consumption', but he also used 'conspicuous leisure'.

Meaning that being seen to have free time is a sign of social dominance, of entitlement. I guess your MIL worries you make her son look hen-pecked. A faithful defender of the patriarchy. Clever bloke, Veblen.

mondaytosunday · 02/10/2022 09:49

I don't think your problem is other peoples shock at you not picking up your kids, but that your husband isn't doing his fair share of household duties. Why wait gif you to come home to do it? Because you let him.
Sit him down and discuss the division of household tasks and chores.
When people ask you anything about it, just say the kids' other full time parent is doing their parenting job.
As for the mother being the default parent in call, give the school short shrift and do NOT take the call unless they have tried the named contact.

pinkyredrose · 02/10/2022 09:49

Of course I am grateful that he does it as it allows me to work without thinking about picking them up but I have also done the school run in the past when my hours were different and it wasn't a big deal

You're grateful? 🤔For the one poxy thing he does? Why do you do everything at home, how did that come about?

Simonjt · 02/10/2022 09:55

Cailleachian · 02/10/2022 04:28

Oh god - so common. Mother is the default parent and is responsible for all things children, if father does anything, it is not only a massive sacrifice on their part that must be fully appreciated, but also evidence of maternal neglect.

My kids are grown now, but their Dad was a sahd, while I worked in a fairly senior role.

  1. First day of new job after DS2 , got grilled by older male colleague (same seniority) about my childcare arrangements and what I would do if children became ill.
  2. School phoned me in work- got me out of a client meeting to take the call - to tell me that my 6 year old refused to wear a hat at playtime, but their dad had said that he needed to because he had a cold, what should they do?
  3. Got a message from the school that they had taken 8 year old DS to A&E. I cancelled everything, rushed to the hospital texting their dad on the way, assuming that they hadnt been able to get hold of him because he had a hospital appt (coincidentally at the same hospital). When I got there, he was already in A&E with 2 teachers+son, who had a ziptie thing on his finger. Within 5 mins of my arrival we got called to triage where the nurse took a pair of nail scissors and snipped it off. They hadnt bothered to call him, but took me aside to let me know that it could have been serious and that my secretary had told them I was in a meeting and could not be disturbed when they called (this was not long after the hat incident which had become office lore as I'd taken the call in an open plan area ).
  4. While I was abroad on a work trip, just prior to a presentation, I got a phone call from the headteacher to say that lunch money must be exact and paid daily for each child, and that it was not just good enough to send in a fiver to cover 2x£2.30 and this was the second time this week it had happened. I had literally 10 mins until the presentation and could not get the headteacher off the damn phone.
  5. School used to phone me when Dad signed the slips to confirm that I was in agreement with sons going on school trips, because allegedly legally they had to have agreement from both parents (utter bullshit)
  6. School CONTINUALLY referrred to me by my childrens surname (their dad's surname), despite me having a different one, when I corrected, I was told it was confusing for the children and it was best if I adopted Mrs <Childrens surname> when dealing with family matters.

I had to take my cousin (female) off my sons contact list at school as they phoned her every single time. His sims profile clearly had me as the first contact, plus there was a note stating I must always be called and to only use the second contact if I didn’t answer.

Original poster
Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 10:02

I do everything else as I was a sahm before and just got into the pattern of it.
Dh sees the school run, pick up and after school childcare as a big deal.
If I am on a shift that finishes after 6pm he might cook or wash up, vacuum. But most of the time no.
Some people act like the school run is a full time job. Which is why I feel conflicted and guilty and then when I evaluate how much I do I think no!

OP posts:
Madamecastafiore · 02/10/2022 10:14

We get this too. DH loved doing the school run and after 22 years of not doing it was treated like a celebrity at school when he dropped the youngest off. When someone said what a fabulous father he was I swiftly reminded them that due to finally being able to WFH he was more than happy to take over the shitty job of getting the youngest up and to school as I'd had a bloody lifetime of nagging children and walking in the rain and just because he is the proud owner of a penis shouldn't be fawned over like he was anything special.

WaddleAway · 02/10/2022 10:25

Twilightimmortal · 02/10/2022 10:02

I do everything else as I was a sahm before and just got into the pattern of it.
Dh sees the school run, pick up and after school childcare as a big deal.
If I am on a shift that finishes after 6pm he might cook or wash up, vacuum. But most of the time no.
Some people act like the school run is a full time job. Which is why I feel conflicted and guilty and then when I evaluate how much I do I think no!

I mean, the school run is a pain in the arse. Feels relentless sometimes. But so does cooking, cleaning, ironing and all the other stuff you (probably) do regularly. It doesn’t deserve a medal.

lizziesiddal79 · 02/10/2022 10:34

My Dad used to do the school run in the 1980s as my Mom was working. I don’t remember any comments.

My daughter’s nursery would drive me potty. We made it clear over and over that her Dad was first point of contact as it was easier for him to leave work. Every time my daughter was ill, they phoned my mobile first. When they couldn’t get me, they phoned the school office. An email would pop up whilst I was teaching in the classroom from the office, and I would have to somehow text my husband under my desk to get our daughter. Happened over and over despite several conversations with the nursery.

notacooldad · 02/10/2022 10:55

My Dad used to do the school run in the 1980s as my Mom was working. I don’t remember any comments
That reminds me, I started juniors school in 1970. Dad used to pick me up in his new Hillman Avenger! If mn was around then he would probably be the subject of a thread. Dad worked shifts so picked us up on his days off or when he was on a 6/2.
Seriously it was no big deal even then.

ShahRukhKhan · 02/10/2022 14:37

Visiting my mother. My DH went to the local shop with a list. The local shop didn't have what we needed so he went a bit further to the supermarket. My mother just couldn't get over it. He didn't just skulk home saying 'couldn't get the stuff' and wait for me to sort it out? Actually went to another shop without being instructed to do so by a woman? UNBELIEVABLE HE IS SOME KIND OF MIRACLE MAN!

thenewduchessoflapland · 02/10/2022 14:49

There was a dad at my kids school who had a part time weekend job and his wife worked FT as a HCP;he did the school run and took care of the kids/house during the week.

Omg the fawning over him that the other school mums did was embarrassing;they treating him like he was some sort of god for simply doing what they did everyday.

Dirtylittleroses · 02/10/2022 14:52

My husband and I split it, more him than me, never had it questioned. I don’t know who the fuck these people are but they aren’t people I’ve met fortunately. Dads doing school runs is common.

Nottodaty · 02/10/2022 14:55

Very odd - our primary school was a mix of Dads & grandad picking up as well! No one has never said anything to me after back to back 14 years of primary school runs!

Husband has downloaded the school app so we both get messages. The school just phone the primary number that we’ve submitted and that happens to be mine but it’s up to us to tell the school the primary contact number.

My husband in primary school his Dad did the pick up :) would have been late 70’s.

RobertaTheRobot · 02/10/2022 15:05

Im on maternity leave, and DH works full time but he still takes dc1 to school in the morning despite me being on maternity leave.
I'm more than happy to do it but DH insists he WANTS to do it on the way to work because its the 10 mins that DH and dc1 get to spend together, as DH only sees him for an hour when he gets home from work before DC bedtime and he works weekends.
I do the after school pick up, so it's split 50/50 but the amount of people that praise DH as if he is a saint is ridiculous!

Toastoftheton · 02/10/2022 17:52

Solidarity. I've gone a step further, my husband is the stay at home parent while I work. He's the one going to the 'mothers' and toddler classes and being the 'default parent' I suppose. It works well for us. The two of them are an amazing little team but you do have to put up with the odd comment.

There was a family reunion (My side of the family) and the little one (4 months) was having a moment because it was a little overwhelming so DH took him for a walk outside. Comments like, "Are you not taking him?" "Surely he just misses mummy." "My gosh does he do all the parenting? (tittering laugh)" "Isn't it lovely he's giving you a break."

I did not try and hide my eye roll and it put an end to the conversation.

Harrystylestutu · 03/10/2022 08:30

Actually I did have a problem with this a few years ago when Dh started school runs instead of me. We were both at my sons paeditrition appointment and I asked to look at the school report they had sent him.

in additional comments, they wrote 'school is concerned we haven't seen mum for four months'. I was so cross! I was always on the end of the phone and emailing them aswell, and got on really well with the senco. As I was around after the appointment to do pick up that day I went down early and asked the senco if she knew all families pick up and drop off dynamics, and presumed she'd made her concerns known about all of the father's that had never done a school run. much grovelling and her admitting that, no she never thought of it that way 🙄iif she was so concerned why didn't she contact me? Do a welfare check even?!

nuttynotty · 03/10/2022 08:42

The real problem is there are so many men who aren't interested in parenting.

They want the wife and the kids, and all the positives they bring to their lives, but often don't actually want to do any of the graft.

The other issue is all the women who accept and allow this.

If that all changed then we would have this issue.

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