Please talk to me about reaching midlife and suddenly disliking everyone

[NameChangearamamama]

I would really appreciate hearing some perspectives from others here. I’m a longterm Mumsnet poster and have name changed for this.

I’m about to hit 50, I’m definitely going through big changes in my menstrual cycles, we’ve got through lockdown and now the world around us seems so turbulent with war in Europe and the cost of living crisis so I am not sure what’s to blame for my feelings but over the last few months I can get so easily annoyed if not very angry by people who were good friends until not very long ago. I’m quite good at hiding my feelings for the sake of keeping the friendship status quo but at times I am seething inside and I suddenly realise that I don’t actually like some of these people. It’s almost as if I am seeing them in a different way and I don’t have much tolerance for them. I don’t know if my values have changed or they have changed, perhaps it’s a bit of both. I know that peri menopause can make us short tempered and low in mood but I wasn’t anticipating a desire to push everyone away.

Does anyone understand this? I’d be happy to move to a remote place and start all over again with my DH and DC, and leave so many people behind.

That's literally peri menopause. Take some happy hormones aka HRT and it all goes away. Or become a witch and live on the moors with a cat for company. (not saying those are your only options but I can see the appeal these days)

This is classic peri menopause. I have actually googled islands for sale at my very low points.

Yes, I recognise this for sure. HRT helps.

Plus take up boxing - gosh that’s satisfying to punch out all the annoyance, frustration and anger

Completely recognise this, and equally not sure which combination of “causes” you mention are to blame!

I’ve always viewed friends and family - and myself obviously - as all having “flaws” but the one or two negative traits are always outweighed by the dozens of positives. So the friend who is always late is still appreciated - even though lateness is a huge bugbear of mine - because they’re so great in other ways & I can manage the timekeeping. But now, that one negative is much more easily fixated on, sometimes seeming like it’s more “in your face”. And my logical self says don’t ditch everyone just because of their one “negative” not least because they probably think the same of me …. Although at times I could cheerfully do that!

then again there might be folks who you are better off moving on from, and considering quality over quantity.

Yes I remember reaching that stage and thinking violent thoughts about everyone I encountered on my daily commute!!

HRT definitely helps.

but seeing the other responses …. That’s probably my cue to get HRT started! Thanks

This is absolutely peri-menopause, I’m 52 and feel exactly the same, most people make me irrationally angry these days! I’m definitely going to start on the hrt soon to see if that helps!

I read an article this morning on the Apple news app by Emma Elsworthy in the Independent about research on the menopause.

It said only 3% of women knew that loss of self confidence and loss of joy were a direct result of the hormone changes. (Sorry I don’t know how to link).

Bloody hell “loss of joy” that’s me to a T. Mind you I’m post menopausal and hoping a divorce will bring a bit of joy back in my life.

I can understand this.

Thanks for your responses, it’s reassuring to know other women have experienced similar feelings. I definitely feel angry much more easily than I did a few years ago.

I’m going to see my GP and talk about HRT.

I knew people would say HRT is the answer but really, why not embrace the fact you don’t like everyone and go about your business. Why do women have to take drugs to mask the fact that others are whiny and take advantage of women and our generally gentle nature? That many men are rude and overbearing? That life’s unfair?

I'm 52 and don't recognise this. Mind you, I'm not menopausal yet (wish I was). I do however, recognise bullshit far easier than when I was younger. Am less likely to be agreeable. More likely to call people out for bad behaviour. We just got back from holiday, and when in the queue for check in, a very posh looking man in tweed and brogues, decided to leave the back of the queue and told me he would just slip in the queue behind me (near the front)! He was very charming and I shouted "No, no you won't, all these people are going to the same place and you're not doing that on my watch" LOL.

@TortugaRumCakeQueen well done!

This. And I take HRT.

I am in early menopause (started when I was 37 due to medical issues) and I’m now 41 and I have zero tolerance for people. Sometimes that even includes those nearest and dearest to me 🫣😬 I think with me part of my issue is that I suddenly feel I’ve seen and done it all now and I’m bored of the same conversations, same old chit chat and crap. I would literally rather read and post on here and / or be on my own watching what I want or reading.

I do take HRT but it hasn’t solved this aspect for me because for me it’s a fundamental thing about my personality as I age. I just can’t be bothered to hide my disinterest so much any more and say no more often.

I can understand why older women are always considered to be so grumpy now. Old and tired of everyone’s shit!

Go you! 😆❤️

Hormonal changes around the menopause are notorious for switching on the bullshit radar.

It makes you far less tolerant in general, and especially of people who make demands on you. It is as though the rose-tinted glasses have been ripped off, and you see them for who they really are. You realise that you've been the one making all the effort to maintain friendships for years.

I’m with @TortugaRumCakeQueen I’m peri menopausal as well but it doesn’t matter SO much, the main thing is that I’m better at being assertive and recognizing bullshit, and I’m more selfish so don’t want to waste my time on idiots. I think it’s because I don’t have so much time left as in my 20s and because I’m more experienced.
I’m still not assertive enough imo, it’s work in progress.

I'm perimenopausal and on HRT (hurrah!), but I bloody love the fact that now I'm 50, I'm even less likely to put up with crap. I consider it a lovely bonus. 🤣

I have found this to be a positive aspect of hitting middle age. Just not GAF what people think of me or caring about spending time with anyone but my children. I love my extended family - parents, sibling and their family very much but I don't feel a particular lack of not seeing them that often.

I'm 48, on HRT, and not only do I want to shout, 'Oh... shut UP!' all the time, I also see with painful clarity what an absolute berk I was on numerous occasions in my 20s and 30s. I often mutter, 'Oh... shut UP' at myself too.

Channel your inner rage, and use it to draw up new boundaries.

Just think of it - no more going out of your way to do things for other people when you really don't want to.

You may even need to rearrange your friends. Actually, you might find that some of them will fuck off of their own accord when they come up against your new assertiveness. You don't need them. Find some others.

Another peri woman here. I have to say it's my favourite part of the whole experience! My circle has become so much smaller, I don't tolerate any bullshit anymore and am no longer a doormat. I'm finding it very liberating!

Repeat after me:

"I don't want to."

Keep on saying it until it comes naturally. There. Easy, wasn't it? The key to a whole new life!

I think I've had a hormone deficiency most of my adult life (I do have some hormone related problems which I've never got checked out), because the only time I have been able to tolerate other people apart from DH is when I was pregnant and post-partum. When I was full of pregnancy hormones I went all patient, friendly and tolerant. It wore off.

It's pretty normal to get to an age where you want to rip someone's leg off and club them to death with it...
You may even decide that you as a being have opinions and the 'doormat' years are left behind.

No other peri woman will judge you...