Please talk to me about reaching midlife and suddenly disliking everyone

[NameChangearamamama]

I would really appreciate hearing some perspectives from others here. I’m a longterm Mumsnet poster and have name changed for this.

I’m about to hit 50, I’m definitely going through big changes in my menstrual cycles, we’ve got through lockdown and now the world around us seems so turbulent with war in Europe and the cost of living crisis so I am not sure what’s to blame for my feelings but over the last few months I can get so easily annoyed if not very angry by people who were good friends until not very long ago. I’m quite good at hiding my feelings for the sake of keeping the friendship status quo but at times I am seething inside and I suddenly realise that I don’t actually like some of these people. It’s almost as if I am seeing them in a different way and I don’t have much tolerance for them. I don’t know if my values have changed or they have changed, perhaps it’s a bit of both. I know that peri menopause can make us short tempered and low in mood but I wasn’t anticipating a desire to push everyone away.

Does anyone understand this? I’d be happy to move to a remote place and start all over again with my DH and DC, and leave so many people behind.

You are my type of woman @fallfallfall. What i have always admired and now enjoy was the honestly, take no prisoners, don't suffer fools mentality that comes with the meni stage. Your own mental health is what is important here, so if you want hrt take it for you, but there is nothing wrong with becoming fussier about who you spend your time with.

Its made me so intolerant I couldn't even stand my own husband so I ended my marriage 2 weeks ago. I'm still narky but less wound up. I have come to realise I have made some life changing choices the week before my period because my bullshitometer affords me absolute clarity.

I'm 45 and think I've been peri for about a year.

I can not be arsed with anyone I don't have to be. So that reduces it to family, work colleagues and a very limited number of friends.

I saw a young man walk to the front of the line to order coffee the other day. I politely said there's a line, and looked at the 3 ladies standing behind me. He said oh sorry didn't notice and although did seem apologetic I just came out with yes I suppose it was difficult to spot the queue right near the cash register.

I was pretty bloody rude, but fuck I was annoyed with him.

2 years ago I might not have even braved pointing out he was line jumping.

This thread is reassuring. I’m 45 and almost certainly in the peri phase. I feel pretty uncharitable towards a lot of people a lot of the time (even people that I like, or used to like). In the week before my period, I can’t even stand my own family. Really don’t want to be in the same room as anyone else (except the dog) so I just tell them I need to be on my own and take myself off to bed, even if it’s 5pm 😂

I think that this is what’s happened - rose-tinted glasses have been discarded. I just can’t tolerate people not being upfront or straightforward any more - in the past I would probably have made allowances for them but I am feeling as if I can’t be that person any more. So many friends irritate me but I agree with a PP that perhaps it is time to call time on some of my friendships.

Luckily my DH is often working away from home so by the time we are together again, I look forward to seeing him. But then am happy when he buggers off once more for a few weeks otherwise I’m not sure if our marriage would survive my lack of patience and frequent bouts of rage.

Im 32 and have this. It all started when I had PND 3 years ago.

I have this too OP but I don't think I'm peri menopausal. I think the blows of the last few years (covid, Ukraine, Brexit, general political fuckwittery) have all just left me feeling a bit fed up and I'm distinctly less tolerant of my friends (interestingly I'm still very tolerant of my family).

I'm going with it. Life is short but too long to spend time with people who annoy me and irritate me and who's values don't align with mine really.

I think for a long time I was a hopeless people pleaser and just befriended whomever wanted to befriend me. But I have changed.

Does this mean I am going to lose all my friends in the next few years? I'm 44 so it's coming up.
I lost so many friends in covid (they all decided they were introverts).

So if we all suddenly decide we don't like people anymore, what do I do?

Just be lonely forever?

You won’t be lonely because you’ll be the same and hate everyone as well. 😉

Yes covid did for a few of my friendships @isittheholidaysyet

But I still do have friends! Just the ones I really like and enjoy being with and get a lot from. I think a lot of my friendships had stopped working and I just kept at it because reasons.

But to look at it another way, do you want to be in a relationship with people who don't want to be in relationship with you?

Loss of joy is one of the worst things about menopause. Or it was for me.

HRT has helped.

I'm 51 and have felt like this since turning 40...

I think it's quite liberating actually. I no longer tolerate family bullshit, do what I want instead of what others expect of me and have no qualms in expressing my opinion.

I can remember having an Epiphany around this time. Suddenly it became very clear what was important and what wasn't. I could also see very clearly where I went wrong and where I had done right in life . My people pleasing tendencies went out of the window , I also became more selfish and selective. The menopause was one of the best things that happened to me .

May be flamed for saying this, but perhaps with declining estrogen we're thinking like men !

I'm laughing so hard here, OP. I'm literally just off the phone to my best friend explaining that I've made an appointment with my Doctor to discuss HRT! She asked what symptoms have specifically led me to this decision: it's the sheer rage at others and the can't be arsed with people feeling. I'm a happy, optimistic extrovert usually , yet recently everyone annoys the fuck out of me; I could happily never work again; Im one of the moany bastards at work i hated; I'm now a "no" person; I'm very blunt; my DC get shouted at and told I'm going on strike; my lovely DH gets snapped at on a daily basis. I'm 50 and periods 28 days on the button until 2.5 months ago when they stopped. I think HRT is the answer.

I’m 46 and feel like this! Definitely hormone related. Because actually, I’ve been friends with these people for 20-30 years. The change must be me.. not them

This puts a very positive spin on it, I really like what you say.

I knew people would say HRT is the answer but really, why not embrace the fact you don’t like everyone and go about your business. Why do women have to take drugs to mask the fact that others are whiny and take advantage of women and our generally gentle nature? That many men are rude and overbearing? That life’s unfair?

I think you're minimising the reasons why am the majority of people take HRT. If you ever suffered the night sweats where you have to get up and change your sheets, the intolerable day time hot flushes where you have to take fresh clothes and deoderant to work with you every day, the aches and pains that can range from tolerable to debilitating, the brain fog and memory issues to the point you feel you may have to give up your career, the vaginal dryness and pain on intercourse (if you even have any libido at all),the mood swings that make you feel you're going crazy - then you'd understand a little more why some women turn to HRT.

Do you seriously think they take it to 'mask' their dislike of other people? Very sexist comment, btw. Did the OP emphasis her intolerance of men only in the post and I missed it??

😂I did this last week!

OP, you are not alone. I'm 51 and for the past couple of years or so everyone annoys me. I have a few close friends that I chat with daily and it never fails that every time we chat I'm seething with anger or annoyance at them. I realize that my tolerance level has become very low (although it wasn't terribly high to begin with!) I have to bite my tongue not to tell them off, and I make up excuses to get off the phone before I do.

And i'm the same with people I don't know. Whenever a repair man comes to the house and they are extra chatty I find myself feeling like I'm being physically tortured as I don't want to carry on chatting with them, I feel like I put up a good front and grit my teeth thru it but I know sometimes my irritation seeps thru and they can see it.

I"m not sure how much longer I can go on feeling this way. Sometimes it becomes quite depressing as I know I'm probably pushing people away but it's probably for their own good LOL

Oh please ‘drugs’? Do some research on what HRT actually is before you post.
OP I hit peri around 18 months ago. Until the classic hot flushes kicked in I thought the rage, intolerance and general grumpiness was just me being me. Luckily my partner is both lovely and patient. And luckily I worked out what was going on.
HRT is working very well for me - I’m so grateful to feel human again and my sleep is regular.
Before you go to your GP, it’s good to read up on everything so you are armed, in case your GP is not informed. Louise Newson’s website and Balance app are a great place to start.

I am not there yet and considerably younger but recently, my tolerance for CFs and folk in general has considerably shrunk. I personally embrace this as a great change to overcome my previous doormat and people pleasing tendencies. Maybe just maybe it is also a sign of feeling securer in yourself and less prepared to tolerate crap that is detrimental to your own needs and well being. I would actually argue that is less a hormone issue and more to do with that wisdom of crones to stop pandering to everyone and cowering for fear of what people might think. I am fully embracing my inner grump and set it free...

This made me laugh! A plumber came round yesterday and despite his politeness and efficiency I couldn’t wait for him to get out of my house! He was really irritating me, poor man was only explaining something about some pipe but inside I was screaming I don’t give a toss about this damn pipe, just do your job and go away! I deliberately didn’t offer him a hot drink because I didn’t want him to be there more than a second necessary to repair the boiler. I knew I was being mean but I also didn’t care.

Will anyone want to talk to me again?? HRT sounds like a magic bullet for some of you, I haven’t even had any of the sweats etc that go along with this, I think I could become truly murderous if I had to contend with changing sheets at night too.

I think there’s a lot of truth in this.

Haven't most of us had that since we started commuting?

I'm 57 years of age on HRT for the last two years and still feel like telling everyone to F...off . HRT has maybe taken the edge off things but it' s certainly not the answer to healing the world in which we live . I want a bolthole somewhere ,somewhere quiet and tranquil with dogs and cats and chickens .dont think I'd see my kids or my husband anymore so there is no point.