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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is a useless lazy bastard

82 replies

Ladyday1995 · 28/09/2022 22:22

Apologies if swearing is not permitted in subject lines.
Background: I (27) have a decent-ish paying job, my foot is on the career ladder and I’m constantly looking at ways to self-improve. My husband (28) has not worked properly for around 8 or so years. I support us financially with occasional help from his parents, (who have had an absolute gutsful of it).
We rent a tiny, run down council house which I despise and he has wrecked both of our credit scores. We have zero chance of being able to rent and even less of getting on the property ladder. I am aghast with my situation and completely gutted that this is my lot.
He trained as a plumber after leaving school then was let go from his apprenticeship before finishing his gas safe cert. (In around 2013). Since then he has had a few factory jobs/agency work that has lasted no longer than 1/2 weeks.
He has no motivation for work or self improvement and even less for housework. I have to do virtually everything in the house, I am knackered. He is a good father but extremely “slack”. He forgets things constantly. He is good natured and I do love him. But he is chronically lazy, bad tempered and very self victimizing. It is extremely pathetic to have to watch a man I love in this kind of state. We are really struggling to make ends meet at the moment. I am (redacted) myself about the cost of living crisis and upcoming fuel bills. I really don’t know what we are going to do. I’ve tried every approach, I’ve supported him, advised him, counseled him, cried with him, shamed him, the lot. But somehow we are still in this position. I’ve completely had enough. I can’t bear to admit to people this is our reality, when friends or colleagues ask about him or his work etc I bare faced lie because I would be mortified to admit to anyone what is really going on. It makes me extremely sad. I am heading towards my thirties and I really did not imagine this is what life would be like. If this was another woman telling me this I would advise her to run not walk, but of course i can’t see myself wanting to do that. I don’t even know what I hope to achieve by posting this. I’m not perfect by any means but I care massively about trying to better our situation for the sake of our son.

OP posts:
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/09/2022 22:46

I would find his attitude deeply unattractive - but worse than that, he’s dragging you and your child down with him financially. Just no, time to stop this madness.

Geppili · 28/09/2022 22:50

He isn't a good father. He is set a really bad example.

nuttynotty · 28/09/2022 22:55

Life is going to feel very very very long dragging him along.
I don't really understand how anyone with any self-esteem would ever love someone like him (love in a romantic partnership type way).
But if you're not interested in splitting up from him and just want to moan and have some sympathy, then that's cool.
You definitely have my sympathy 💐
I'd be interested to know what your DS thinks of his dad and the dynamic between you both, does he think it's great or is he slightly ashamed?

HowzAboutIt · 28/09/2022 22:57

How can he be both "good natured" AND "bad tempered"?

Or a "good father" and also a lazy, useless, forgetful, self victimizing, workshy bastard who is not providing for his son?

Stillfunny · 28/09/2022 22:59

I have got rid of a similar type guy. Not quite as bad but constantly losing jobs . I lost all respect for him and began to despise him. Like you , always making excuses for him to people . Made me ashamed.
You are too young to waste your life on this man. He will be a drain on your finances forever. And a shit role model for your kids.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 28/09/2022 23:01

Has he got a temper or is he good natured?

supermodel · 28/09/2022 23:02

It really sounds as if you are not getting anything from this relationship and if he is not willing to change I think you will regret staying further down the line, trust your instincts.

MrsDoylesTeacup · 28/09/2022 23:02

Sorry to be blunt, but you either need to leave or kick him out. After 8 years he’s not going to change. You’re the goose that laid the golden egg. His parents know it, you’re starting to realise it.
He’s not a good Dad, if he was he’d be sorting out everything at home whilst you’re grafting, but he’s not, he’s a user.
You sound like you want to improve your lot and you will, but not with him dragging you down. Easier said than done and I don’t have any advice as to what resources are available to you, but there are, you just need to get rid of him and you and your children’s lives will be so much better.

toogoodforthisworld · 28/09/2022 23:03

I've been in a very similar position- and I did not leave him because I saw his love for our children.
He left me after being together for 20 years and since then I have flourished- mentally physically and financially.
Please leave him. He can be a good father when he looks after your children.
Save yourself my dear xxx

DeeCeeCherry · 28/09/2022 23:08

I wouldn't go broke for any man. Never.

Children are the priority. Generational poverty is what you perpetuate when you cant see sense. Your choice. But, not your child's choice and its unfair in that respect. Your child deserves better than this in life.

Luredbyapomegranate · 28/09/2022 23:13

There’s nothing you can do about this except leave.

He is not a good father - good fathers don’t work there partners into the ground, or provide such a bad example to their children.

He is not good natured - good natured people don’t work their partners into the ground, exploit their partners and parents, not look after their children properly and not have a job to help support the family and contribute to society. If he’s easy going is because he does literally nothing.

Maybe you once loved him, but I don’t think you do now, I think you have Stockholm syndrome.

For the sake of both your son and yourself, get rid of him. Go and see a solicitor or citizens advice and find out how things will be divided in a split, and make a plan from there.

You are still incredibly young and you have a foot on a career ladder, you have time to rebuild your credit rating, build a life, find and equal partner, buy a house, have a great career, travel the world, have more kids, start a business… whatever you want to do - but not with this millstone around your neck. He will eventually drag you down so far you won’t be able to climb out. Don’t let that happen.

altmember · 28/09/2022 23:15

Tell him what you've just told us (fuck it, show him your post if you like). Tell him he needs to sort himself out or get out, because you're not going to carry him any longer.

Devils advocate: he may be suffering depression rather than it being purely a case of lazy bastarditis. Tell him to go to his GP, medicating him just might help (and I don't believe in antidepressants).

My ex was similar, I'm far better off without her.

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2022 23:42

Explain what is loveable about him.

He's lazy, bad-tempered and he's drained you dry.

Do you want this to be the rest of your life?

Get him out (who's on the lease?)

Then start again, build up your credit score (get advice) and divorce him.
And live.

Travellingwomble · 28/09/2022 23:56

Not trying to excuse him but is it possible there is so nothing medically/mentally wrong. Depression to be so unmotivated or an hormonal dysfunction ? Ha she always been like this or has he got worse ? Something to consider maybe.

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 29/09/2022 06:48

If he isn’t depressed then LTB, what are you teaching your son by staying?

OperaStation · 29/09/2022 06:52

MrsDoylesTeacup · 28/09/2022 23:02

Sorry to be blunt, but you either need to leave or kick him out. After 8 years he’s not going to change. You’re the goose that laid the golden egg. His parents know it, you’re starting to realise it.
He’s not a good Dad, if he was he’d be sorting out everything at home whilst you’re grafting, but he’s not, he’s a user.
You sound like you want to improve your lot and you will, but not with him dragging you down. Easier said than done and I don’t have any advice as to what resources are available to you, but there are, you just need to get rid of him and you and your children’s lives will be so much better.

This.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 29/09/2022 07:09

Why are you wasting your one precious life on this useless lazy freeloader? He will drag you and your children down. Life is short, set a good example to your kids and get rid of him.

Itsallok · 29/09/2022 07:14

Your big mistake as having a child by this loser. 8 years and he's essentially never really worked. And already a PP thinks he has depression. Of course, when someone is a lazy waste of space, he can't just be a lazy waste of space - he must have an illness!

Some people are just lazy users. And no, he isn't a good dad. For all the reasons, other sensible PP's have pointed out.

Bananalanacake · 29/09/2022 07:14

Is he actually ashamed of not having a job. Or is he happy to be a cocklodger.

Wnikat · 29/09/2022 07:16

rememebr He will get half of your assets when you do divorce so do it now before you get any further up the career ladder

Sparkletastic · 29/09/2022 07:18

Put your son first

Wombat27A · 29/09/2022 07:19

My friend has one of these, currently working herself into the ground to fund their retirement. Can't leave as he's now entitled to her pension & half the house.

Suck costs fallacy.

Workinghardeveryday · 29/09/2022 07:19

Bananalanacake · 29/09/2022 07:14

Is he actually ashamed of not having a job. Or is he happy to be a cocklodger.

Because that is exactly what he is, isn’t he!

Stop enabling him to carry on. Don’t pussyfoot around talking about him getting a job. Be firm. Don’t listen to any excuses, give him a timeframe to have found a job or leave.

You will never amount to what you aspire to be in life with him by your side and you know it.

he gets a job, pulls his weight around the house, or gets out!! Simple

chilliesandspices · 29/09/2022 07:25

You really need to leave him before you're trapped. You say you want to better your situation but what will you do if he decides he wants a divorce in ten years time and you've got a property, decent salary and pension? He's not going to walk away with nothing and you could end up starting all over again at 40.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2022 07:26

Why can’t he hold down a job? Why doesn’t he pull his weight about the house?

Either he has an undiagnosed additional need (learning difficulty, or something like severe ADHD) or he’s depressed or he’s lazy and doesn’t care. Has he ever been assessed for anything?

To be honest, both might end up in divorce. But at least you’d understand what happened. And he can keep being ‘a good father’ in a different house.