My husband is a useless lazy bastard

[Ladyday1995]

Apologies if swearing is not permitted in subject lines.
Background: I (27) have a decent-ish paying job, my foot is on the career ladder and I’m constantly looking at ways to self-improve. My husband (28) has not worked properly for around 8 or so years. I support us financially with occasional help from his parents, (who have had an absolute gutsful of it).
We rent a tiny, run down council house which I despise and he has wrecked both of our credit scores. We have zero chance of being able to rent and even less of getting on the property ladder. I am aghast with my situation and completely gutted that this is my lot.
He trained as a plumber after leaving school then was let go from his apprenticeship before finishing his gas safe cert. (In around 2013). Since then he has had a few factory jobs/agency work that has lasted no longer than 1/2 weeks.
He has no motivation for work or self improvement and even less for housework. I have to do virtually everything in the house, I am knackered. He is a good father but extremely “slack”. He forgets things constantly. He is good natured and I do love him. But he is chronically lazy, bad tempered and very self victimizing. It is extremely pathetic to have to watch a man I love in this kind of state. We are really struggling to make ends meet at the moment. I am (redacted) myself about the cost of living crisis and upcoming fuel bills. I really don’t know what we are going to do. I’ve tried every approach, I’ve supported him, advised him, counseled him, cried with him, shamed him, the lot. But somehow we are still in this position. I’ve completely had enough. I can’t bear to admit to people this is our reality, when friends or colleagues ask about him or his work etc I bare faced lie because I would be mortified to admit to anyone what is really going on. It makes me extremely sad. I am heading towards my thirties and I really did not imagine this is what life would be like. If this was another woman telling me this I would advise her to run not walk, but of course i can’t see myself wanting to do that. I don’t even know what I hope to achieve by posting this. I’m not perfect by any means but I care massively about trying to better our situation for the sake of our son.

You'd advise other women to leave, but you can't think of that for yourself? Do you think you're less deserving of happiness or security than others?

The thing to bear in mind is most women still love their partner when they leave them, they just want something more or different from their life. Love isn't an on/off switch but it also doesn't equal happiness.

You don't want to leave, then don't, but you need to accept this is your life in that case. He will not change. Can you be happy like this?

You've 2 choices, but remember they are choices

1 - stay and live like this, If you stay, you'll be in the same situation in 10 years time, the only difference is you'll be 10 years older

2 - leave and have a chance to rebuild your life and increase your chances of a good financial future, house etc

A good DF provides for his children. He has no reason to work because you are providing everything.

You can get a nice home and a nice life but not whilst you are supporting him.

Why are you wasting your one precious life on this useless lazy freeloader? He will drag you and your children down. Life is short, set a good example to your kids and get rid of him.

This.

And ffs, he is NOT a good dad.

I don't know how you can read your first post back and say with a straight face that he's a good dad.

The first step is opening your eyes fully to who he is.

He doesn't love you or his child enough to simply get and keep a job, and be nice to you.

They are two absolutely, fundamental, basic things that decent people (who are capable of working) do. They aren't impressive or 'isn't he great' things. They're so basic. And he won't even do them because he doesn't care enough about you or his child to do so.

Let that sink in.

He'd rather watch you and your son struggle, have no money, live in a house you hate and have a fucked credit score than get off his arse.

I’m not perfect by any means but I care massively about trying to better our situation for the sake of our son.

If you genuinely want to prioritise your son then you need to leave this man.

There's no way of staying with him that is in your son's best interests.

He is a good father

What makes him a good father? Works hard to support his family? Does housework? Does actual parenting, the mental load, ensuring he is eating a nutritionally balanced diet, checking when DS's shoes are too small, organising playdates, booking doctor's appointments, helping with homework? No? So what exactly?

and how can he simultaneously be good natured but bad tempered, how does he demonstrate that good nature then?

Kick tf out. No ifs or buts. Send him packing to his parent's house.

You will be way better off alone. Separate your credit from his. Your score will improve as will your mental health.

Do not support this cock lodger for one more minute.

He is setting a vile standard for your children.

That's approximately what I was going to say.

@Ladyday1995 LOVE. It's a complicated thing. Sometimes you can love someone & want the best for them, but be wise enough to know they're wrecking YOU life (and in this case your sons). At some stage you're going to need to admit this to yourself, leave him and let him crack on with ruining his own life, while you improve yours & your sons.

sad, but true. If you haven't been able to make him grow up now, you never will.

send him back to his parents, or you move to yours (or whatever you prefer) & put an end to him wrecking your life.

You're 27. Get out now.

I can't understand why you still feel any love for this man, given how much he is disrespecting you and your child(ren), how little he does and how badly he is letting you down. I cannot get my head round an adult with no diagnosed mental or physical health conditions basically not having a job for 8 years, meaning you and your child(ren) live in relative poverty.

You say that you can't think of kicking him out, but why?

so what does he do? Has been literally sitting on his backside for 8 years?

So he's basically never bothered with the 'adulting' bit and just let others do it for him?

How on earth did you end up married to him when you have ambition?

If his parents see him as feckless he's probably well past saving.

He is good natured and I do love him. But he is chronically lazy, bad tempered and very self victimizing🤔

He sounds like a parasite.

please leave!!!! he will never change my sister married one of these sort and they are now homeless and have nothing except debt, stress and illness (really long story) he wasnt there for her when she was diagonesd with a terminal illness and if this was a different era she would be left to rot sick and dying in a workhouse and buried in a paupers grave because of his actions I will never forgive him she stays because she felt obliged to

He is a cocklodger.

He is not a good father. A good father goes to work and contributes to the household. A good father does his share of chores. It's not just being a disney Dad and playing with the kids once in a blue moon.

Get rid of him. He is never going to change and your life will just be hell for the next 20 years or so until he suddenly decides to up and off because he's found someone else to cocklodge with.

If you have a job and he doesn't, would he be able to call himself a SAHP if you split up, and then get the majority of custody and claim CM from you?

I really hope not, I know very little about custody and CM, and hopefully I'm completely wrong. But worth being sure of.

He sounds completely awful and I have no idea why you're still with him.

Ignore the sunken cost fallacy that you are approaching your thirties - loads of women in their late wenties and thirties don't have a child, their own home or a steady job, manage just fine and are very happy -you already have 2 of these 3, if you take action now there is no reason you can't built up your credit score once it has been separated from your husbands via divorce. There are specific credit cards etc aimed on repairing a credit score by using them like a dd and repaying in full, after a few years you should be fine as long as you're no longer financially linked to him!

Hopefully he will leave your home although I don't know how it will work if he refuses to but even moving back with parents or sub renting somewhere from friends or family would be preferable to staying with him.

Does he do all the childcare or something? There must be a reason for why you're still with him.

Sounds like he's on the spectrum or adhd. You literally listed a whole lot of symptoms.

You love him but you are not in love with him. You couldn’t be. He is useless and failing to provide as a husband or father or to be honest, a citizen within a functioning society. If I were going to be kind I would suggest mental health problems, but as this thread is about you I’m going to agree he is lazy and feckless.

Have you punched the figures into entitled.com to see if you’d be better off on your own. I suspect you would. Are you joint council house tenants?

This is the wisest and best piece of advice on this thread. Get rid now before you get your promotion, start saving, get your foot on the property ladder, buy a car, etc. because when inevitably you do split he will cop for half of it.

Honestly please don't wake up one day in your 40s or 50s and regret staying with him (cos you will). Leave him now why you are still young and have nothing for him to take half of.

Also he is going to claim to be a stay at home parent. So get ready for that.

Absolutely this.

You are wasting your life and time with him.

And it will cost you dearly financially and otherwise.

I wonder how quickly he will start job hunting if he finds himself single and having to pay his own bills?

Zombie thread 🧟‍♀️