My husband is a useless lazy bastard

[Ladyday1995]

Apologies if swearing is not permitted in subject lines.
Background: I (27) have a decent-ish paying job, my foot is on the career ladder and I’m constantly looking at ways to self-improve. My husband (28) has not worked properly for around 8 or so years. I support us financially with occasional help from his parents, (who have had an absolute gutsful of it).
We rent a tiny, run down council house which I despise and he has wrecked both of our credit scores. We have zero chance of being able to rent and even less of getting on the property ladder. I am aghast with my situation and completely gutted that this is my lot.
He trained as a plumber after leaving school then was let go from his apprenticeship before finishing his gas safe cert. (In around 2013). Since then he has had a few factory jobs/agency work that has lasted no longer than 1/2 weeks.
He has no motivation for work or self improvement and even less for housework. I have to do virtually everything in the house, I am knackered. He is a good father but extremely “slack”. He forgets things constantly. He is good natured and I do love him. But he is chronically lazy, bad tempered and very self victimizing. It is extremely pathetic to have to watch a man I love in this kind of state. We are really struggling to make ends meet at the moment. I am (redacted) myself about the cost of living crisis and upcoming fuel bills. I really don’t know what we are going to do. I’ve tried every approach, I’ve supported him, advised him, counseled him, cried with him, shamed him, the lot. But somehow we are still in this position. I’ve completely had enough. I can’t bear to admit to people this is our reality, when friends or colleagues ask about him or his work etc I bare faced lie because I would be mortified to admit to anyone what is really going on. It makes me extremely sad. I am heading towards my thirties and I really did not imagine this is what life would be like. If this was another woman telling me this I would advise her to run not walk, but of course i can’t see myself wanting to do that. I don’t even know what I hope to achieve by posting this. I’m not perfect by any means but I care massively about trying to better our situation for the sake of our son.

What you’ve got now, is, I strongly suspect, what you’ll get in the future. If that’s ok with you, fine, stay with the present scenario, but I sense it’s not ok or you wouldn’t have posted.

There’s a real dilemma here.

Send him packing to his parents.

If he wanted to he could train back up as plumber and get the certs etc in a few months of hard work and that is a good job but hard work I'm sure .
From 20-28 not working properly and getting married and having a kid in that time is just not acceptable. He's a man child
You have grown apart , I think it's very sad but you need to give him an ultimatum, he turns things around in next few months of you will ask him to leave . He needs to know how bad things are and you want more for yours and your sons lives.
Don't despair, you are great, you will have a better life but it may not mean staying married to him

You’ve wasted your 20s on this excuse of a man, don’t waste the rest of your life.

Also - is this the kind of man you want your son to be?

My ex did have depression but also managed to lay it on thick even when medicated and having counselling. He drank a lot which meant it was pointless taking the medication. He lost his job and I I kept us afloat but had to run up credit cards to do so. I started to resent him and lose any respect. We have separated and I am so much happier but because of the debt I am left with I have had to take an extra job when I should be thinking about retirement. You are young enough to start again and flourish. Get out while you can . Good luck

You’re so young, don’t let this be the rest of your life.

He’s not going to change, if you stay you’ll never make the most of what you can achieve and your son will be stuck in this miserable situation too.

Cut your losses and leave or kick him out back to his parents. At least you know you can cover the rent yourself, your bills will be lower without carrying him financially and you can build up your credit scores without him.

How low is your bar that you think he's a good father?

He's bad tempered, lazy and won't work to support his child. He's the exact opposite of a good father.

You already know what you need to do.

This is hugely disappointing for you, OP, and you say you have to lie about him but also you don’t want to leave. Your description of him is very contradictory and overall he doesn’t actually sound particularly nice. And a properly nice man wouldn’t leave it to you to do all the work.

Please pay attention to the fact that you could be carrying him your whole life if he doesn’t change or you don’t get out. You’re only 27 and he’s already dragging you down.

He’s not working but there’s a labour shortage at the moment. I’m sure he could get a job if he tried. It doesn’t really matter what that job is - the important thing is for him to be working. He can also complete his plumbing training.

He’s also a very poor role model for your son. He’s learning that men can lie about doing nothing while women slave to keep it all together. You don’t want him thinking that for himself or for future female partners he may have.

What does your future self want? Do you want to revisiting this thread in 10 years’ time, even more ground down, even more in debt, with a son who expects not to work and for everyone else to make life nice for him? Or do you want to be looking back, having made a great life for you and your son, shown your son what is expected of adults, free of debt and quite possibly with a fully functioning adult male partner rather than your current man child?

“How low is your bar that you think he's a good father?

He's bad tempered, lazy and won't work to support his child. He's the exact opposite of a good father.”

And this.

In what way is this lazy, selfish, bad-tempered, free-loading, won't work and won't do the housework, happy to watch his partner work herself in to the ground while he does nothing - a good father?

He isn't a good father. He isn't even a mildly OK one. And he's a terrible partner.

Please, for you and for your child, leave him. He will always drag you down and make you unhappy, resentful and broke.

He's leeching off your and your child when he ought to be supporting him.

From the sounds of it, you'd be better off if you didn't have him to support financially and you might also be entitled to more support through UC etc.

You already do everything so you have nothing to lose by getting rid of him.

Btw, you personally are doing great 👍. You're supporting your son, providing a home for him, doing your best to get ahead in your job. You deserve better than this useless man sapping resources from you and your DC.

He is a cocklodger.
Get rid of this giant millstone around your neck.

He’s not a good father.

how can you find him attractive?

I'd be giving him a final ultimatum - shape up or ship out. End of.

He was a deadbeat at 20. He hasn’t changed in eight years, he’s not going to change in another eight.

Sorry but I agree with others he isn’t a good father , he’s not setting a good example Is he ?. He does fuck all while the woman does everything, do you want that for your son because believe me you’ll wake up one day adult dc who’s as lazy as his father and think the woman is there to do everything and no respect for you , believe me I’ve seen it happen.
for that reason alone you need to give him ultimatum find a job by such and such or he goes. In the meantime he can help round the house that’s his contribution to the family while not working.he doesn’t he goes , for your dc sake if not yours . Do not justify that he’s a good father, he’s lazy and fuck all use and he has no respect for himself or you .

What do you love about him? You certainly don't respect or admire him and you're embarrassed by him. Are you sure you love him?

He is a lousy father.

Be a good parent and get rid of the dross.

You need to get out and seek advice on how to unfuck your credit score. If he’s home he can do the childcare. He is a bloody terrible example for your kids though.

WHY on earth do you think he's a good father? he sounds like a terrible one. You have a very low bar. Kick him out or leave with your son.

Divorce. If you want any kind of decent life for your children, get rid of him. He will drag you all down.

Maybe you need to suggest that you can no longer live together. There’s nothing to say the relationship can’t continue but not in the same household. Then maybe once he’s sorted himself out you can reconsider- (is he depressed about his situation and needs MH help?).

My tuppence worth is for you to tell him he has x time to shape up and if not you're leaving him. Make sure you have all your financial ducks in a row first so if within the timeline he doesnt do anything. Only if you want to try, but really it doesnt auger well.

My brother a very intelligent guy, married but no kids and had a aell paid job. He wanted too branch out on his own, but it flopped. His wife supported him for years through booze, depression and not working. Eventually she started talking about going if he didnt buck his ideas up, which he did and they're still happily together. I personally wouldnt have done what she did but it worked out. The thing is he now knows that she has a saturation point and if he goes back there she will be off and as much as he is my brother I wouldnt blame her.

You dont want to think about leaving him? Don't then. Do nothing, stay like this. Let your life drag out scrimping through the coming recession and take all the worry of how to feed and house your family 100% on your shoulders. Sink into the mud with the weight of it.

But make sure you stay on Mumsnet so you can read the posts your children make in 20 years where they are reliving the same shit because that's the only example they have or family life and what "love" is.

Personally I would want better for my kids and no man would ever be worth then learning lessons that will actively harm them in adulthood.