New boyfriend is having female holiday friend come to stay

[Flaxseedblueberry]

I’m embarrassed about how upset I am about this….

The situation is I’ve been seeing someone for 5 months. He’s great fun to be with and I really enjoy his company. He ticks nearly all the boxes of what I’m looking for. When we are together we get on fantastically, he’s been supportive over difficulties I have had with my ex and the sex is great. It’s been tricky coordinating diaries as we are both busy and I don’t always get the sense that he’s desperate to see me although he’s very good at keeping in text contact.

He went on a family adventure holiday for 2.5 weeks in August. He got friendly with another family - a single mum and her daughter who is the same age as his son. A couple of weeks ago he messaged to say she’d asked if she and her daughter could come to stay with him over half term (apparently he had said if she was ever in the area she should visit) and he wanted to know my thoughts before responding.

I felt totally sick at the thought but took some time to respond after getting opinions from friends who were unanimous that they wouldn’t like this either. (I needed friends views as I don’t always trust my feelings after being gaslighted by my ex for years.)

Anyway I responded and said sorry but it’s a deal breaker for me.It’s not even just that I would worry that something would go on between them, it’s also that this other woman would be getting quality time with him in a way that hasn’t come readily to me.

I think he was very surprised as he’d expected me to say I was fine with it. We had a long chat about whether we were right for each other as he feels he doesn’t always say the right things. He said he’d not given this woman an answer one way or the other and I thought/hoped it was just going to be dropped as a plan.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

I feel absolutely devastated and since then my mood and anxiety have been awful. I’m so upset we went away and had lots of intimacy when he had already made a decision to do something I’d told him was a dealbreaker. I asked when he was planning to tell me and he said when I asked or nearer to the time. I feel like my feelings are not important to him. However I didn’t want to overreact so I’ve sat on it for the last week or so. I’ve seen him once since and I didn’t mention it and our text chats are mostly fun and lighthearted.

But I can’t sleep, I’m preoccupied with this and I feel utterly worthless. I feel if I say something he will say we are not compatible so I have to put up with this if I want the relationship to continue. He said he said yes to her as he had to be ‘true to himself’.

He has since said I could come and meet this woman but as he doesn’t want me to meet his son yet (as it’s early days which I understand, and I haven’t introduced my kids yet) I think he will backtrack on that nearer the time. I know nothing about her, not even her name let alone what she’s like, if she’s single or what she looks like. I can’t imagine meeting some bloke on holiday then arranging a visit but he tells me this is completely normal and most people do it and would be fine with it.

Sorry it’s long but I d be grateful for any advice as I don’t think I can cope with being this anxious for the next few weeks. My life is pretty difficult in a number of other ways and I just want some happiness and safety. Please be kind as I’m feeling sad and vulnerable.

He knew it was a deal breaker. So he lovebombed you to try and get you more hooked on him, thinking this way he would get away with what he was planning to do all along. Which is to continue his seduction and manipulation of this other woman.

Don't put up with this, OP! You deserve better. Throw this one back. If you stay with him now he will treat you worse and worse until you don't even recognise yourself. Just ltb.

As a male......he is getting the best of both worlds....be safe with sex, condoms.
He is giving you make up stories, and you are believing him?
As a male.....If I was you....run away before you get hurt real bad.
Stay safe, look after you and what you have, there is always someone else to fill that spot/void/love.......like me xx

He's really not that into you, op, that's the truth. He's self-absorbed, self-serving, and says all the right things to keep you around for his benefit. If he truly cared he would never risk his relationship with you like this. Dump his arse and move on.

Thank you for setting this out so clearly so I can just agree!

Horrible, hateful man. He drew you in & tried to get you hooked, only to trample on your boundaries. Nasty, manipulative person.

Be strong, OP, he will try to draw you in when you dump him. Sending good wishes.

I don't think he's horrible or hateful and some of the reactions are really OTT.

I do think you need to avoid people pleasers though - they believe its a benign trait, or even a positive one, but in fact its extremely selfish. These people will put their own image as a nice person above the feelings and needs of those closest to them. Decent people can assert boundaries, not least because the people they've chosen to share their lives with rely on them to do so.

Also, nothing should be this hard or this hurtful five months in.

Then he seemed to really step up the effort and arranged a weekend away. We had an amazing time and got on so well. But as he dropped me back home I thought I should double check about the visit. Then he told me that he’d had a conversation with this woman several days prior and said she could come.

This tells you everything you need to know, he's had a great weekend of shagging the whole time knowing he'd gone ahead with something you don't like and he knows in his heart of hearts is wrong. He sounds like he's having his cake and eating it, as if they won't screw when she's at his for 2 nights. And how suspicious her DD14 is desperate to see his son, he'll probably grow up like dad, the ladies love him and he can use women and discard with ease.

You feel like you've been kicked in the stomach - it shows clearly in your writing. That is the sign of a shite relationship. No further analyses needed. It's not that what he's doing is definitely wrong, but it's definitely wrong for you (and would be for many others too!)

Gather all your strength and tell him you meant what you said. Tell him you also have to be true to yourself.

I think that forging a closer bond with you whilst knowingly continuing with a plan that you said was a “dealbreaker” is utterly disingenuous. I would find it difficult to trust that this man is going to prioritize your feelings and place in his life over his own need to feel popular.

It’s not OK to have a female single parent stay with him - coffee maybe but not this. Raises her as Plan B possible…

And what stands out for me is that he realised you were backing away from it - then manipulated you by evading it - keeping you close by having a lovely weekend away and then dropped it only at the end.

That is someone who is used to ‘keeping a few women happy’! It doesn’t need sex. You won’t ever feel like his number one.

Hi op. He asked you and you said it would be a deal breaker. He’s going ahead anyway. So that means that a) he’s completely ignored your feelings and b) he didn’t really ask - he just wanted to look the good guy in front of you because he thought you would answer differently.

I would also be pissed off that she gets to stay but you don’t get to meet his son. It has been 5 months now.and his son is 14 so can understand his father dating and it not necessarily being forever.

I'm sorry OP but I don't like this. He asked your opinion and you said it was a deal breaker. I don't think you said that to control or manipulate, this woman isn't an old friend of years' standing, they met on holiday very recently indeed and she's jumped at the chance to invite herself for a week (now reduced).

It doesn't seem normal, a normal thing would've been a day visit or meal if nearby. He wasn't even going to tell you.

He's not a straight up guy, I don't think. You're not a priority. Even if his relationship with this woman is entirely and mutually innocent, he will repeatedly in future tie himself and you in knots trying to impress people and win friends, putting your needs last. Plus he is keeping you st arms length anyway. I would cut my losses. I know it's hard but he's slippery.

He's manipulative and a liar. He's pushing boundaries and seeing what you'll put up with. Hence knowing it was a dealbreaker and taking you away only to reveal his real plans.

This is not a good man. You said it was a dealbreaker, don't let him stomp all over your boundaries anymore.

If it’s making you feel anxious and compromised, that’s a good indicator that something is amiss

This quote from you, OP, jumped out at me somewhat.

"I think her attention (platonic or otherwise) matters more than my feelings."

To me, that would be a major red flag.

^ This ^

@Nandocushion @Tsort
What about him pretending that the woman wasn’t visiting after all, until he’d had his weekend of fun with OP? Can you defend that too?

I had a similar situation except we were together 7 years but a long distance relationship. He lived 3 hours away and I don't drive so we saw each other once a month in the end (previously he lived in the same town and we saw each other 3-4 times a week but he relocated for work) The similarity is he took a girl from work away for a weekend which I wasn't happy with as for one it was a bank holiday weekend when we could have met up and also because he had mentionitis about this girl. I said if you go, its over, he went and I ended it. He has since sent me lots of letter telling me I was the love of his life etc, but he showed who he was when he did what he did. xx

I had actually thought that things were moving on a bit as he invited me to a party with his couple friends. He’s met a few of my friends but I hadn’t met any of his. He warned me his ex wife might be there as they all still hang out. I was ok with this. However the ex is now bringing their son so plans have changed as he thought it would be too awkward. Initially I thought he was going to uninvite me and still go himself but to his credit he has said we’d do something else together.

There's something funny about

this.
So you still haven't met any of his friends, you haven't met his son, you keep in touch by text, he ignores what you want, he takes you away for a shagfest before he tells you he's having another woman to stay and you only see him once a week or a fortnight. He doesn't sound like a prince among men to me. He may describe himself as a people-pleaser but he's certainly not trying to please you. Bin him.

There’s nothing to defend. She thought he was going to do what she wanted and dropped it. When she raised it again, he gave her an honest answer.

If she wants to dump him because of this, she can and should. She can break up with anyone for anything she wants. But he’s done nothing wrong.

You told him it's a dealbreaker yet he still went ahead and invited her. And didn't even tell you. You had to ask him. Would he have even told you if you didn't ask? If you only see each other once a week or fortnight, he could have her there and you wouldn't even know. You haven't met any of his friends or his son. Yet he's invited this single young woman over.

He's a player, OP. You know it surely. Sometimes if something (or someone) is too good to be true, it's because it usually is.

I would text one last time and say that you 'feel disrespected and think he wouldn't have told you. You find that level of deceit upsetting and you feel hurt and disrespected. That if he doesn't call it off and show you text proof of this, the relationship is over for good as you won't be in a relationship where he disregards your feelings for some random woman he only just met. So the ball is in your court now, tell me what you choose'.

You've only been in the relationship 5 months, consider it a dodged bullet if he chooses her and her daughter.

Just sounds like he's shagging two women.

Do you honestly believe he would have ever told her if she didn't ask him? He has certainly done wrong in anyone's eyes. He disregarded her feelings after being told it was a dealbreaker and even after knowing the relationship would be over if he invited her, he still did it anyway and didn't tell his girlfriend. Fuck sake that is wrong in any normal person's eyes. It's disrespect and deceit.

You sound real brand new to how human interactions work.

Honestly, this is the most creepy take I’ve read on Mumsnet. Creepy like I wouldn’t even let you watch my drink if I needed to use the bathroom at a bar. Literally nobody without a serious cluster b personality disorder thinks like this. Respect is something we give despite our feelings of romantic love.

She has respected him…. You do understand that? Yes?

This woman was asked for her input and then gave her answer. She did not delve into his secret business or overstep bounds. She was asked and she was honest. She respected his very arbitrary (as he’s proven) boundary for introducing children and such. She hasn’t pushed for much at all… to the point basically being zen.

After this man who you think is in the right willingly sought out her blessing and was denied he decides to pull the wool over her eyes. She was then taken on a romantic weekend only to find that he actually didn’t care about her thoughts. It’s so weak of him.

Self admitted “people pleasers” are really just admitting they are cowards. They really are, everything happens too them and they were too nice to do the right thing. Except that’s not how good people act.

I wish OP healing as it’s tough to be jerked about, I would also beg you to keep your dignity and just go silent. He knew how you felt and thought emotionally/physically luring you in would shut you up. Please just don’t look back,

PS I think the kid story of the girl being more keen on his son was just him trying to weave take where in his mind he is the son. In all honesty he likely begged this woman over to see him.

This. He does something he knows would end his and OP's relationship and doesn't tell her. He would never have told the OP, she had to ask. The time would have come and gone, and OP would have been none the wiser. He intended to hide it, not tell her. That is deceitful. Not only did he disregard the OP's feelings and put some random woman he only just met above the OP, but he went ahead against the OP's wishes, and didn't have the decency to tell her. He doesn't value his girlfriend. He's a cheating player, and a narcissist who loves attention. OP deserves so much more than this scumbag.