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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my partner cheated. WWYD?

95 replies

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 15:55

Whilst I was away for work at the start of the month, my partner went out for a night with a few friends.

She told me she got a taxi home with her friend at around 03:00am but I have since seen a message she sent to that friend the next day saying “sorry I lost you and hope you had a good night”.

Obviously I was suspicious so I checked her Facebook. She used to get messages from a guy she was seeing before us and has never deleted the chat but didn’t reply. This chat is now deleted and their conversation is blank. She had feelings for this guy and used to regularly meet after a night out before we were together.

What should I do?

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 26/09/2022 15:58

Snooping isn’t good.
‘If you don’t trust her it’s time to end it.

PToosher · 26/09/2022 15:58

Stop nosing at her messages?

stickynoter · 26/09/2022 16:03

Nobody said snooping was good and obviously you shouldn't be reading a parents messages

However, on every single thread on here that starts with "I think my partners cheating" or "i think my partners hiding something", the vast majority of responses are telling them to keep quiet and snoop til they get answers, check phones etc etc. They even get advice on how to check their DH's phone

However since this is a woman's messages being read it's absolutely outrageous

Complete double standards

Facecream · 26/09/2022 16:04

What is suspicious about saying sorry I lost you? Are you assuming that means she didn’t share a cab?
Plusxehy are you reading her messages?

girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 16:07

You don't trust her. Even if you hadn't snooped (which is dumping territory for me) the fact she had to recount what time she got home, who she travelled with etc is a red flag.

Zoopzoop · 26/09/2022 16:13

Do you live together?

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:23

We live together yes. Agree with the snooping comments and I’m not happy to have crossed that line. I didn’t hear from here all night and not until considerably later the next day and that is what raised my suspicions.

OP posts:
Choconut · 26/09/2022 16:23

I think if you have no reason to doubt then you should not be snooping. But when you find out your other half has lied and you could be being put at risk of STD's then it's a different story. Everything points to the fact she cheated with this guy but how did you see the message on her phone? Were you snooping before you had any reason to doubt her or did it just pop up and you saw it?

Whichever way it was you have to tell her you saw the message and see what she has to say.

AdamRyan · 26/09/2022 16:31

I really don't think any of this suggests she cheated. She could have got a taxi home with other friends and just the one got separated so she text to check. She could have deleted that convo at any time for any reason. Like maybe she didn't want to be reminded of him. And most likely if she was separated from a friend and got in at 3 she was very hungover and sleeping it off til late the next day.

All these things have happened to me on nights out, no cheating involved.

The only thing you can do is ask her but you run the risk of coming across as jealous, possessive and controlling.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:32

Choconut · 26/09/2022 16:23

I think if you have no reason to doubt then you should not be snooping. But when you find out your other half has lied and you could be being put at risk of STD's then it's a different story. Everything points to the fact she cheated with this guy but how did you see the message on her phone? Were you snooping before you had any reason to doubt her or did it just pop up and you saw it?

Whichever way it was you have to tell her you saw the message and see what she has to say.

I was suspicious as didn’t hear from her until late the next day so looked at her phone. I understand that was wrong but it’s a terrible feeling when you feel the person you love is lying to you.

She was really detailed when telling me about the night too. Like adding lots of details… for example when getting the taxi back saying they stopped to get chocolate. It was almost weird how she was saying it if that makes sense.

OP posts:
momtoboys · 26/09/2022 16:33

She could have just gotten pissed drunk and is embarrassed to admit it.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:34

There was only her and the 1 friend left at the end of the night as the others went home earlier.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 16:35

I was suspicious as didn’t hear from her until late the next day so looked at her phone.

Anyone in a healthy relationship would assume she had a hangover and slept late.

sheepdogdelight · 26/09/2022 16:37

I'll put the answer I always put on these type of threads.
If you don't trust her then the relationship is doomed anyway. Doesn't matter whether there is cheating or not.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:37

It wasn’t until 17:30 when she got in touch which is very unusual. It’s never happened before in our relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:38

Yes I think you’re right. I’m going to talk to her and come clean with what I saw and go from there.

OP posts:
Zoopzoop · 26/09/2022 16:43

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:23

We live together yes. Agree with the snooping comments and I’m not happy to have crossed that line. I didn’t hear from here all night and not until considerably later the next day and that is what raised my suspicions.

I ask because the message, if you live together, doesn’t mean much? She said “sorry I lost you” so presumably they were separated at some point during the night out and she’s just gone back to your (joint) home? the only bit that would make me Confused is that she told you she went home with her friend. Maybe she didn’t want you to worry? Because if she wanted to have some kind of ONS with this guy, surely she’d just tell you she went home and that would be that.. why involve the friend at all? It just complicates things.

i don’t understand why this raised your suspicions enough to check her messages??

Zoopzoop · 26/09/2022 16:45

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:37

It wasn’t until 17:30 when she got in touch which is very unusual. It’s never happened before in our relationship

oops didn’t see this. Yes, I would be suspicious that she cheated.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:49

That is a good point. As it stands she has 100% lied about going home with a friend. The rest I’m just guessing but it is a gut feeling that I have.

Especially as the messages to her precious FWB have been deleted. For context, he would send her messages and so on but she never replied. Now their conversation is deleted.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 26/09/2022 16:49

She was really detailed when telling me about the night too. Like adding lots of details… for example when getting the taxi back saying they stopped to get chocolate. It was almost weird how she was saying it if that makes sense.

This is what has got your suspicions up I think. As people who lie can often over add details, to try and make it seem more realistic. If she is lying I expect alot of that is true - it just wasn't done with the friend she was with. However, it is such a vague text and could mean a number of things.

It could just mean she was apologising for losing her friend at some point during the evening (and they found each other again) and just hoping she had a good time despite getting lost for half an hour.

Or, does her call records show they were talking on the phone right before the text was sent? I have sent messages similar along the lines of sorry I lost you there, call you later, meaning the phone signal kept dropping out and lost them on the call.

Maybe ask her about the night out again and see if she mentions accidently losing friend for a bit. Or check her call log and see if they had been on a call to each other just before the text?

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:50

The message was sent the next morning so they definitely didn’t meet again. She didn’t contact me for a further 6 hours after this looking at the time stamp

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 16:53

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 16:50

The message was sent the next morning so they definitely didn’t meet again. She didn’t contact me for a further 6 hours after this looking at the time stamp

It'd be strange to be lying in bed with your FWB and text your friend though, surely?

And why would she stay with him all day? If she was trying to cover her back she'd have text you early.

GeekAtHome · 26/09/2022 16:56

The message she sent her friend is a discussion that would have happened in the taxi on the way home together if that's what really happened.

The phrasing suggests they were apart for the remainder of the night at which point you know all of her other friends had left and she was out drinking.

Combine that with not hearing from her until the following evening. I think you're suspicions are well founded. At the very least you're being lied to and I'd bail.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 17:01

I’m going to be honest that I’ve looked at her phone and be upfront with what I’ve found. Hopefully I get the same honesty back.

OP posts:
GeekAtHome · 26/09/2022 17:04

girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 16:53

It'd be strange to be lying in bed with your FWB and text your friend though, surely?

And why would she stay with him all day? If she was trying to cover her back she'd have text you early.

Show quote history

Perhaps she spent the night with someone else, messaged her friend when she got home, and her partner when she woke up.