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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my partner cheated. WWYD?

95 replies

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 15:55

Whilst I was away for work at the start of the month, my partner went out for a night with a few friends.

She told me she got a taxi home with her friend at around 03:00am but I have since seen a message she sent to that friend the next day saying “sorry I lost you and hope you had a good night”.

Obviously I was suspicious so I checked her Facebook. She used to get messages from a guy she was seeing before us and has never deleted the chat but didn’t reply. This chat is now deleted and their conversation is blank. She had feelings for this guy and used to regularly meet after a night out before we were together.

What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 18:42

Sorry but what does LTB mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 18:50

I can cope financially and have a good job. I own the house and it wasn’t bought together. We aren’t married.

I am just numb at the thought of losing my best friend. Everything seemed good. We get on great and still very attracted to each other. We were talking marriage and both wanted to have kids. I just can’t believe this has been thrown away for someone in her past.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 26/09/2022 18:51

Could it still be something innocent and she has lied about going home with a friend because she thinks you may be upset if she didn't?

Hope it's something simple

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 18:55

I’m hoping it could be innocent. She has been cheated on in her past and is strongly anti cheating. So that’s making me think there might be some hope.

I know she’s lying, went missing for a day and deleted messages from a FWB. Am I being stupid here thinking there might be a logical explanation?

OP posts:
GeekAtHome · 26/09/2022 19:02

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 18:36

You’re correct. I was a bit upset typing and meant to put previous.

She has stayed later at work today and on way back so going to ask her when she is home. I’m not going to try to catch her out and just state what I know.

it isn’t black and white so I may never know but my gut tells me it isn’t right.

Liars have a tendency to double down and then reverse the blame. I’m not sure confronting her without knowing more will lead you any closer to the truth.

AdamRyan · 26/09/2022 20:23

Worriedpartner1234 · 26/09/2022 18:55

I’m hoping it could be innocent. She has been cheated on in her past and is strongly anti cheating. So that’s making me think there might be some hope.

I know she’s lying, went missing for a day and deleted messages from a FWB. Am I being stupid here thinking there might be a logical explanation?

You don't know she went missing for a day - you are assuming that based on the text.
It could be she text her friend after she got home in the morning, then went back to bed for 6 hours hungover.

feckoffbrian · 26/09/2022 20:55

Ask her again what happened that night.

theresnouseingrumpin · 26/09/2022 20:57

Have I spoken up her yet

Opentooffers · 26/09/2022 23:29

Funny how misspelt words can alter meanings. Still wonder why she told you about the FWB contacting her, rather than delete block and forget? Especially given how deeply entwined you are, why stir things like that? Let's hope it was just a misjudged ego trip on her part, and didn't go any further than texting, or drunk texting. Hope she gives you the honest answers when you ask.

GreyCarpet · 27/09/2022 07:21

Good luck, OP.

I'm not one for snooping. However, if I felt it would give me a reliable response, or even an opening gambit, I think I'd do it.

No one wants to throw a relationship away over a suspicion but I find suspicions rarely come without reason.

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 27/09/2022 07:26

So an update from last night.

I told her that I had been through her phone, seen the text saying she didn’t go home with her friend and also that she had deleted her chat with precious FWB.

She went mad that I had gone through her phone which is understandable and went to a separate bedroom. I didn’t follow and she came back down later and here is where it gets interesting…

She said she has now deleted the chat with her friend as I have no right to look at it and that the chat with the FWB wasn’t deleted but is now as I had no right to look at it. She is refusing to admit that she texted her friend the next day despite seeing it with my own eyes or that the other chat was deleted too.

So just like that all the ‘evidence’ is gone and I’m being told I didn’t see what I think I did and that if I don’t get over this then the relationship is done. I think this is what they call gaslighting.

I slept on the sofa tonight and going to stay with a friend for the next few nights. I just feel lost.

OP posts:
stickynoter · 27/09/2022 07:29

Sorry to hear that @Worriedpartner1234
I think her reaction says a lot

As does the fact she claims to have only deleted the fwb chat after you mentioned it to her. If she's claiming she deleted it last night, why wasn't it deleted months/years ago since you're living together?

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 27/09/2022 07:41

I agree. I know that she is lying and all I could think through the conversation was “how is it so easy for you to lie to me?”. Maybe I’m naive but until now, I didn’t think she would lie and it is shocking to see how convincing she was and telling me that what I saw with my own eyes wasn’t true.

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/09/2022 07:42

Sorry OP

Her reaction says it all. You'll never know for sure but I'd say your gut was right.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2022 07:58

Ah I'm sorry OP. I genuine thought you were being OTT but you're really not.

warofthemonstertrucks · 27/09/2022 08:08

She's lied.And then panicked about the lie and the consequences of it-so deleted all evidence and told you didn't see what you had seen. She just wants it to go away is what that says to me-it's someone who has messed up badly, regrets it and doesn't want to deal with the consequences. Sorry OP. I think your gut instinct was correct.

Blowthemandown · 27/09/2022 08:12

@Worriedpartner1234 why are you leaving? It’s your house.

qpmz · 27/09/2022 08:14

Is it normal for couples to know each other's passwords to unlock phones and get into each other's social media?
That's odd to me.

totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 08:18

qpmz · 27/09/2022 08:14

Is it normal for couples to know each other's passwords to unlock phones and get into each other's social media?
That's odd to me.

Really?. You're asking this at this stage in the thread?

girlmom21 · 27/09/2022 08:19

qpmz · 27/09/2022 08:14

Is it normal for couples to know each other's passwords to unlock phones and get into each other's social media?
That's odd to me.

We know each other's passcodes because sometimes we need to use each other's phones. It's not something we do often or ever without asking.

totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 08:21

I'm really sorry OP. It's heartbreaking. And yes, gaslighting is the word. Your gut was right. Often the case. There's a whole heap of support on here for you so keep talking and please let your friends know. This isn't anything to feel any shame over (just incase you we're going down that road). The things I'd tell my younger self.

totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 08:32

Worriedpartner1234 · 27/09/2022 07:41

I agree. I know that she is lying and all I could think through the conversation was “how is it so easy for you to lie to me?”. Maybe I’m naive but until now, I didn’t think she would lie and it is shocking to see how convincing she was and telling me that what I saw with my own eyes wasn’t true.

You're not naive, it's called trusting and there's nothing wrong with that. Sadly and necessarily these experiences harden you ever so slightly in life but that's no bad thing. I know it's really early stages and you'll be going through all kinds of emotions right now but do remember there are people out there who don't cheat. For me after getting my fingers burnt, it's never acceptable and in time you'll meet someone who wouldn't even entertain hurting you

Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 27/09/2022 08:32

I have somewhere I can go and it’s easier for me to move around at work so just seems the fairest thing to do. I just don’t want to be in the same house either.

it just feels so sad that all the hopes and dreams for the future are ruined and for what.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worriedpartner1234 · 27/09/2022 08:32

Thank you

OP posts:
totallyoutnumbered · 27/09/2022 08:41

How old are you OP? If you don't mind me asking?. Take some breathing space for sure but be prepared for her to start hoovering you back in when reality kicks in over the next few days. It's your home so doing what's "fair" isn't really how I see it. This is on her and not you. I hope your friends give you the support you're going to need. Keep remembering, not everyone does this

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