I think my partner cheated. WWYD?

[Worriedpartner1234]

Whilst I was away for work at the start of the month, my partner went out for a night with a few friends.

She told me she got a taxi home with her friend at around 03:00am but I have since seen a message she sent to that friend the next day saying “sorry I lost you and hope you had a good night”.

Obviously I was suspicious so I checked her Facebook. She used to get messages from a guy she was seeing before us and has never deleted the chat but didn’t reply. This chat is now deleted and their conversation is blank. She had feelings for this guy and used to regularly meet after a night out before we were together.

What should I do?

We are both 32 and were talking marriage and kids so this is a complete surprise.

I just wish the messages that I had seen had made it 100% clear what had happened.

Her reaction isn’t one of someone with nothing to hide though.

Lots of us wait around with suspicions waiting for "definitive proof" and end up waiting a long time or forever. I've got a few years on you at 44 but had the same situation at the same age as will many others on here. 32 is absolutely no age (especially for you) You're financially independent with a house you can afford. I'm just a stranger on a forum but I say get the hell out now of the relationship. No blaming yourself. She's thrown away a good thing here for whatever reason. I can assure you that you'll be absolutely fine but wasting years on being lied to and manipulated eat away at everything you are. I wish I'd had Mumsnet 10 years ago as I'd be in the great place I am now but probably significantly earlier

Could you speak to her friend?

Your partner needs to be 100% honest with you but her reaction doesn't sound good either.

You have more than enough here to dump her. Dump her. Plenty of loyal good people out there. It's h

Her going to the bedroom gave her plenty of time to concoct a story , if she was innocent then surely she would have stayed and reassured you .

It's her loss. The gaslighting when you know what you seen says it all.

OP
The fact that she reacted so badly speaks volumes! The fact she hit the roof and ran off to another room- was because she panicked, creating a distance from you allows her to get her story together and lie her way out of it.
Stay strong! This is a really horrible time for you, she is going to come back with plenty of stories about how wrong you were for looking at your phone.
I am married 22 years and I couldn't care less if my DH picked up my phone and and started looking through it,
I honestly never get this drama about couples looking at their spouses phones. If you've nothing to hide you've nothing to worry about.
I wouldn't bother speaking to her friend - don't torment yourself.
Don't allow anyone to treat you like that! You have to stay strong.
I really don't understand why you are the one moving out at the moment.
I would return to my house and ask
her to leave as you now need space.
You will be alright! Just give yourself some time now.
I am really sorry (based on her reaction) - she's not telling you the truth.

She is lying. She didnt lose her friend for a start she went off with someone else. She Texted her friend incase she was worried.

her reaction is clear as day, though clouded for you as you want to give her the benefit of doubt.
take him to process but ultimately she cheated and you can no longer trust her.
she has more to lose than you so will do what it takes to gaslight.

Totally agree with your opinion on phones. I just do not get it. I go on my husband's phone all the time, not to snoop (but if I felt I needed to, I wouldn't feel bad about it) but just to use it. Eg if I decide to pop out to grab something from the corner shop etc but my phone is low on battery, I'll just take his instead. He has a better camera than me, so if I want to take a nice photo of our son, then I will use his.

We're mid twenties and married two years, but even early in the relationship we had no issues with using each others phones. I don't understand why people are so precious about it.

A few things OP.

-She ran off to delete more evidence that she knew was in her phone
-She lied to your face and tried to tell you that you hadn't seen something you clearly had
-She didn't think enough of you to block this FWB weeks/months ago

Please go back to YOUR house. Why should she lie and cheat and get to stay in there whilst you move out?

@Worriedpartner1234 You need to get yourself back in your flat and get her out.
It’s likely that she will throw a lot of effort into talking you back into the relationship, and main points of leverage she will use are 1. Lack of conclusive evidence and
2 Your need for closure

The thing is, point 1, you don’t need conclusive evidence of cheating because you have conclusive evidence that she is dishonest and your trust in her, and thus your relationship, is fucked.
Point 2; You’re never going to get closure on this. Your mind is going to be racing and you are probably going to want details. The one thing you absolutely do not need are details, unless you want this woeful nonsense living in your head for a long long time. And in any case the details will be bullshit excuses for the most part. And the more you talk about it with her, the more opportunity there will be to draw you back in, and then you’ll be “hang on a ducking second” and try and break it off again and this yoyoing can go on for a long time, until it finally falls apart permanently. At which point you’ll be called a loser who can’t get over it.

So, easy for us to say but, dig deep, get her gone, and then onward & upward. You’re young, you’re going to be absolutely fine, but it’ll take time. Good luck.

Good point above about deleting more evidence

That behavior, my friend, is called "gaslighting".

It's the first thing I thought of when he said she ran away. She knew there was more on there and she didn't want him to see it.

Not sure why you've had to leave if you own the house? She sounds horrible.

Thanks everyone. I’m moving back in after the e weekend and she is going to her parents.

She has now changed her story. She didn’t go home with the friend and doesn’t know why she said she did.

I don’t know anything further as haven’t engaged with her other than sorting out her moving home.

It is all very sad. I have debated asking the guy in question directly but decided against it. I don’t think I’ll ever find out the truth.

If you feel the need to snoop at your partner's phone you need to talk to them, and if you're not satisfied with their response, you need to leave.

Lots of people pass exams by copying the person next to them, are you an advocate of that, too? Is something 'the right thing to do' if lots of people do it?

it’s a terrible feeling when you feel the person you love is lying to you

You are lying to your partner @Worriedpartner1234 That's what 'snooping' means.

My ex husband did this to me. I waited another 7 months before I found more evidence. He left, never admitted it but then the affair partner reached out to me.

The use projection, gaslighting and everything else, I will say that she has been up to no good and has been caught out.

Don't be a fool and stay, run.....

@Watchkeys what an irrelevant post after the update!

I’m sorry @Worriedpartner1234 you're suspicions were right and the fact she’s now changed her story but still can’t explain herself speaks volumes!

Whatever you do, don’t contact this man, don’t give him any relevance.

Good luck with the move.