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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel humiliated over a fiver

112 replies

Problemafterproblem · 26/09/2022 11:53

Is asking a close relative for a loan of a fiver till the next day or two a big deal? I lost my bank card and was waiting for a replacement. It was purely a cash flow problem, not a cash-less one. I've never asked before and was told off quite severely! I see this relative two or three times a week.

OP posts:

FamBae · 26/09/2022 17:13

I agree with previous posters nasty and judgmental, it's almost like they weren't listening to you at all or worse insinuating you were a liar, I totally understand why your hurt. Deep breath move on and try to put this behind you and I hope they are not in need of a favour any time soon.

SpeckledlyHen · 26/09/2022 17:19

It's a dreadful way to behave. I think in my 20's and 30's I would not have said anything but now I would call out the bad behaviour immediately and really question boundaries going forwards. What if you really needed that fiver? I am appalled that parents can treat you like this.

Just a few weeks ago I lost all my cards, I keep them in my phone holder and it's getting loose and they all fell out - luckily in the house but I didn't know where they were. I immediately froze all my cards, I did have apple pay, but if I didn't then I would have been in the same situation as you. I know I could have asked a number of friends and family to lend me money with no questions asked. It's such a weird response from your parents, and bloody patronising as well.

MushMonster · 26/09/2022 17:25

I hope you got a new card and got access to your money again.
Your relatives are not nice. I would lend a fiver to anyone I know the name of, nevermind my family!

SleepingAgent · 26/09/2022 17:25

Endlesslaundry123 · 26/09/2022 12:50

Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. This is all about your parent's inner voice being one of shaming and blaming. In reality, ALL people get into tricky situations sometimes, ALL people need help sometimes, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or shameful about losing something occasionally, or asking for help with a fiver.

Having been raised by this person, it's understandable you would feel shame in this situation because you were probably shamed for very human things your whole life. You didn't deserve that and you are allowed to make mistakes and ask for help.

Please turn the pain you feel into pity for this parent who probably shames themselves inside constantly. But don't continue the pattern by shaming yourself -- give yourself compassion and grace (and pass that on to your DC too).

Excellent post. Take a long hard look at your relationship with them OP and you may find this rings very true.

J0y · 26/09/2022 17:30

Awful. I'd give a fiver to a stranger who had lost their card. You would think you asked for 500. Weird! Your relative, not you!
So shocking when you realise how disappointing your relatives are :-(

J0y · 26/09/2022 17:40

Actually a good way of rejecting the shaming might be to question their interpretation of what you asked for.
Eg
I feel you may have misunderstood. I asked for 5 pounds not 5 grand. I couldn't understand why you wouldn't help me then I realised, you must have thought I said five grand!

Pinkbonbon · 26/09/2022 17:53

I'd be distancing myself from that 'parent' after that.

And if they had the cheek to mention that I they hadn't seen me much it'd be: 'Yes, I'm reevaluating my relationship with you after you behaved the way you did last time I saw you'.

worriedatthistime · 26/09/2022 18:38

I would lend a £5 to a friend as long as i had it especially of for kids lunches etc
Ive lent a £5 to a work colleague even

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/09/2022 18:44

Blimey. I'm not sure I know of anyone who hasn't lost a bank card and had to wait for a new one at some point.

Completely mean and unnecessary to moan at you for it or refuse to tide you over til it arrived.

There's no way I could have kept quiet about their response though so you did better than me.

waterSpider · 26/09/2022 21:27

Family -- would have said yes whether, 5, 50 or even 500 to be honest.

teraculum29 · 26/09/2022 21:39

namechange30455 · 26/09/2022 12:58

Most parents would have given you the fiver and said not to worry about returning it - particularly if you host them.

Have they always been this horrible?

Show quote history

My mum or my mil not only would lend me a fiver, she would also do a food shopping to make sure that her grandchildren wont be hungry.

Staygoldponyboystaygold · 26/09/2022 22:33

Absolutely awful way to behave. For context I’m completely independent financially, however recently I went into a shop whilst my Dad waited outside. Got to the til to find I had forgotten my purse. I phoned my father and said ‘I’m at the til and have an issue, please bring your wallet’. He was there in a flash, we had a laugh about it and I repaid him the next time I saw him. I’m sorry you were humiliated.

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