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Original poster

Feel humiliated over a fiver

112 replies

Problemafterproblem · 26/09/2022 11:53

Is asking a close relative for a loan of a fiver till the next day or two a big deal? I lost my bank card and was waiting for a replacement. It was purely a cash flow problem, not a cash-less one. I've never asked before and was told off quite severely! I see this relative two or three times a week.

OP posts:
Pemba · 26/09/2022 12:39

That's awful from a parent . 60s is not old either (nearly there myself), so they don't even have the elderly and fragile excuse. How were they to you growing up? Did you get birthday presents, pocket money etc?

Pemba · 26/09/2022 12:41

Particularly when you needed it to feed their grandchildren... FFS

Original poster
Problemafterproblem · 26/09/2022 12:43

3peassuit · 26/09/2022 12:36

I’m in my 60s and wouldn’t dream of denying a fiver to anyone in need let alone my daughter. Your parent should give themselves a good talking to.

Thank you. I just feel like I completely messed up by having to ask. Like a fully grown adult with kids shouldn't get in this position in the first place.

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 26/09/2022 12:44

I guess you have to put this one down to experience. The time will inevitably come when they need your help. As a grown up offer your help but do remind them that can they remember the time they denied you a fiver....tight bastard

User2145738790 · 26/09/2022 12:44

Maybe they're financially struggling and can't afford to give away even a fiver.

Flapjack637 · 26/09/2022 12:45

Marineboy67 · 26/09/2022 12:44

I guess you have to put this one down to experience. The time will inevitably come when they need your help. As a grown up offer your help but do remind them that can they remember the time they denied you a fiver....tight bastard

Yes this. Personally I’d be reevaluating the relationship now OP and visiting less often.
Making you feel bad for asking for £5 to ride you over is low. Were they financially controlling when you were a child?

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 26/09/2022 12:48

That’s awful it being a parent. My mum would have just transferred some money over.

Whats your relationship like with them generally?

Crikeyalmighty · 26/09/2022 12:49

By the way OP, secondary to my post about getting Apple Pay/Google pay on your phone- even if you genuinely didn't have the cash , their response is disgusting.

cstaff · 26/09/2022 12:49

You have no reason to be embarrassed OP. Your parents on the other hand do - what is wrong with them. Are they looking to fall out with you for the sake of a fiver. I can't imagine doing this to anyone I know, let alone my own family.

Endlesslaundry123 · 26/09/2022 12:50

Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. This is all about your parent's inner voice being one of shaming and blaming. In reality, ALL people get into tricky situations sometimes, ALL people need help sometimes, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or shameful about losing something occasionally, or asking for help with a fiver.

Having been raised by this person, it's understandable you would feel shame in this situation because you were probably shamed for very human things your whole life. You didn't deserve that and you are allowed to make mistakes and ask for help.

Please turn the pain you feel into pity for this parent who probably shames themselves inside constantly. But don't continue the pattern by shaming yourself -- give yourself compassion and grace (and pass that on to your DC too).

Pemba · 26/09/2022 12:50

You didn't 'completely mess up'. You lost your bank card, accidents will happen. And a fiver should be a very small matter between friends, never mind family.

AryaStarkWolf · 26/09/2022 12:50

ChocolateSpreadOnToast · 26/09/2022 12:48

That’s awful it being a parent. My mum would have just transferred some money over.

Whats your relationship like with them generally?

That wouldn't be much good to her though as she couldn't access her bank account :p

JadeSeahorse · 26/09/2022 12:52

3peassuit · 26/09/2022 12:36

I’m in my 60s and wouldn’t dream of denying a fiver to anyone in need let alone my daughter. Your parent should give themselves a good talking to.

Snap!

What an awful reaction and they certainly need a serious talking to. They let their GC go without decent lunches? 😡

Explaintome · 26/09/2022 12:53

This is the sort of thing my Dad would tell me off for, but he's not really telling me off, he's worried that I'm not prepared enough to be able to cope with such a problem without help. A kind of "what will she do when we're not here?" stress reaction. He certainly wouldn't begrudge me £5, but it would worry him to think I needed it iyswim.

FWIW, having learned to be prepared, I always keep a small amount of cash and a second account/card for such emergencies. Obviously not possible for people with really tight finances, but OP says that's not her.

Original poster
Problemafterproblem · 26/09/2022 12:53

They visit me more than I visit them. They like seeing the kids and getting a cup of tea. It's not a great relationship but this has really upset me tbh. I really thought they would give me the fiver with a "you need to be more careful with your bank card!" comment. But that wasn't what happened.

OP posts:
Irridescantshimmmer · 26/09/2022 12:55

Just guilt trip the relative and tell them you were ok in the end because you visited a foodbank......and be prepared to say which one just in case they ask!.

namechange30455 · 26/09/2022 12:55

Caroffee · 26/09/2022 12:19

Some familied have a rule of, 'neither a lender nor a borrower be'.

Your bank/BS will allow you to withdraw cash in person until your card arrives if you take in proof of identity i.e. a passport. Doesn't work on a Sunday I guess.

For a fiver when someone's lost their card?! Fair enough not lending hundreds, but no family I know has that rule for a situation like this!

namechange30455 · 26/09/2022 12:58

Problemafterproblem · 26/09/2022 12:53

They visit me more than I visit them. They like seeing the kids and getting a cup of tea. It's not a great relationship but this has really upset me tbh. I really thought they would give me the fiver with a "you need to be more careful with your bank card!" comment. But that wasn't what happened.

Most parents would have given you the fiver and said not to worry about returning it - particularly if you host them.

Have they always been this horrible?

focuspocus · 26/09/2022 12:59

:( I have family who have totally taken the mick with borrowing and not paying back but this is sad. I've lent a tenner to work colleagues who've forgotten their card at work and vice versa though this was before faster transfers and Apple Pay etc. As a pp said Apple Pay is great because I almost always have the phone with me. I don't ask my parents for anything but they would've given not lent me money in an instant if it happened. Could they be very stressed about their finances going forward with fuel bills rising etc?

Pemba · 26/09/2022 13:02

I think you and the kids might be a bit busy over the next few weeks and not in much? Or write a letter telling them how you feel. Trouble is if they're that insensitive it might just roll off them. These types of people are never wrong (in their own eyes). But I'd want to put them straight so at least I'd said my piece.

Enko · 26/09/2022 13:03

When in a similar situation a few years ago and I asked 80+ year old mil she handed me £20 and told me the rest was to buy something a bit nice to get over the stress.

If one of my adult children asked I'd do similar.

Enko · 26/09/2022 13:03

When in a similar situation a few years ago and I asked 80+ year old mil she handed me £20 and told me the rest was to buy something a bit nice to get over the stress.

If one of my adult children asked I'd do similar.

Tigerstripes1 · 26/09/2022 13:03

Seems very harsh. My bank card was cloned last week and my mum instantly got me £100 quid out to tide me over until it was all sorted! Refuses to even let me give it her back. Id cut down the visits, its a nasty reaction from a parent.

noirchatsdeux · 26/09/2022 13:04

About 30 years ago, I had a complete stranger behind me in a supermarket checkout give me AUS$20 (then equivalent of about £10) when I realised I'd lost my purse...be the equivalent of someone giving you £20 nowadays! I was so shocked and flustered I didn't even think to ask for the details to send it back...and they didn't offer to give them, either. I still remember that person's kindness to this day.

itsaich · 26/09/2022 13:04

That relative has issues. All my friends and family would lend me far more than that no questions asked and vice versa

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