Feel humiliated over a fiver

[Problemafterproblem]

Is asking a close relative for a loan of a fiver till the next day or two a big deal? I lost my bank card and was waiting for a replacement. It was purely a cash flow problem, not a cash-less one. I've never asked before and was told off quite severely! I see this relative two or three times a week.

I'd have given you a tenner to make sure you were covered & made sure you knew you could ask for more!

A fiver wouldn't have been a problem for them financially. I know this and they spend a fair amount in going out/holidays (which is good for them) but are careful in other ways. They are bothered by the cost of living but not overly concerned about it. I don't know if they had cash on them at the time, but I would say they usually have cash but that wasn't mentioned by them (and I didn't ask).

If my adult dd came to me and said they had lost their card and had no money for lunches while waiting for a new card I would give a lot more than £5. It wouldn’t cross my mind to say no!

It's really nice hearing everyone stories about giving a bit of help when needed, and the appreciation of receiving help. Thank you everyone. I do feel better. But this has changed the relationship, I think. I almost burst into tears when they refused me in the way they did, and I have been upset about it since. Some of these posts have had me in tears as well! thanks again!

Goodness @Problemafterproblem , I'd have given you a tenner and told you to keep it.

As an aside - does Apple Pay/Google Pay work if the card it's associated with has been reported missing?

yes and it automatically updates even when you have a new CVC

Bloody hell if l couldn't give (not lend!) someone l care about a fiver to help them out, l would feel awful.

Gosh how awful from a parent
They must know you are reliable and trustworthy but to have told you off asking for a fiver is really nasty and so narrow minded
Hell, I've even leant my neighbour £10 for essentials and my sons I would give them anything they need
If you use PayPal a friend could transfer immediately to you or think about online banking

What horrible people.
I'd never leave anyone stuck especially if they have kids.

Stuff like this really makes you see people in a different light.

Next time they're over just tell the kids "I'm sorry your lunches weren't very nice this week, but <parent sitting right there> wouldn't lend me a fiver when I lost my card"...

I'm so sorry OP. What exactly did they say?

I would send them the link to this thread! If not, at the very least I would be confronting them over it and letting them know how much they've hurt me. As if you'd deny your own grandchildren money for their lunches

I do have a paypal account that is linked to my bank account but I wasn't sure how cancelling my card would work? and also couldn't use that in the shop/supermarket? I still need to change my new bank card on paypal now I come to think of it. I was trying to think of places I could use that to pay (if I could) but I could only think of online shops. I don't have any apps for this type of thing. I have avoided them but I think I need to reverse that sharply!

Oh and please ignore @BeigeAgainstTheMachine 's APPALLING advice! Don't upset & confuse your children simply to point score. What kind of horrible parent would do that???

💐How upsetting for you op. Well you know what to do if they ever ask you for a favour.

I suspect they've been horrible in other ways over the years.

They're completely wrong in how they acted.
I would gladly give my children or grandchildren money if they lost their card.

It is very strange a reaction. I was going to ask if you had explained about the lost card and could give the money back once the card arrived but your later posts indicate that you did.

I think you are going to have to let time pass and when everyone is in a good mood just ask (in an offhand manner) what the issue was. Was it how you asked? Had somebody else just asked prior to you?

BTW they aren't being scammed by another person are they? A roofer or tarmac drive kind of person? Grooming them for their pension over the phone? Their over the top reaction to you could be them unable to cope with numerous demands for money from various sources.

Christ, how strange indeed. I'd give that to my next door neighbour if they asked, let alone my daughter. If it was my child I'd give them enough to cover for emergencies too especially for my grandchildren. I've given a tramp on the street a fiver at Christmas time!

If someone needs to borrow a fiver then I'd be handing it over and telling them I don't need it back. I leave a bigger tip in restaurants to serving staff I've never met.

I feel the same way as everyone, I really did not expect the reaction. I did think they would moan about it though. It was kind of the reaction you might expect if you asked a colleague you had known for a month for a loan of five grand. Sort of... how much? why have you let yourself get into this position? I'm not here to bail you out? Are you sure you've lost your bank card? Don't you have someone else you can ask? I don't feel comfortable with this, don't ask me again.

Maybe it's not that harsh but I felt utterly chastised. Maybe they misheard and thought I did ask for five grand! But they knew it was to tide me over with food for the DC so that is unlikely.

Anyway, I know where I stand now, and thank you everyone!

My daughter is only5 but I cannot imagine I would act this way towards her in the future if she is ever in need of assistance! (And I know my parents would help / lend a fiver without hesitation in the scenario you have described).

A tip, if you do online banking you can often get your card details by logging into the app. Then these can be used to set up either Google or Apple pay ... I have done this in the past to get myself out of a sticky situation!

This obviously relys on using online banking / having a smart phone! (Am aware while most people do some don't )

That seems like a very strange reaction to asking to borrow a fiver. Are you sure they didn't mis hear you and thought you were asking for five hundred or something?

Hi OP
Their behaviour is appalling. We all loose things from time to time and it isn't a crime. I don't know anyone who wouldn't give or lend in those circumstances.

Think I would go fully passive aggressive after that. If I normally gave them a gift at birthday/Christmas, from now on that gift would be a nice crisp fiver in an envelope. Every single time.
When they come round for tea it would be "sorry I'm out of tea/milk/juice, here's a glass of water" and no biscuits or food.

Just a suggestion, but it is always a good idea to have a small amount of money stashed away somewhere at home as an emergency fund just in case. Please don't let them get to you, their behaviour was not normal.

I really wouldn't blame anyone for not believing the response, because I don't believe it and I was there! But I'm pretty sure they knew it was a fiver.

I'd give them extremely watery one teabag between them tea next visit. Reuse the same teabag the following visit.. If one of my lovely children was to ask me for a fiver I'd give them far more than that and it wouldnt be a loan. I think it might not be a bad thing that they have exposed themselves in this awful way as Im sure that if you look at their behaviour with renewed eyes that this kind of nasty controlling shaming put down is part of a bigger pattern in your relationship dynamic. I'm sorry.

It always annoys me when people are made to feel that, as adult children, they should never need the help or support of a parent - yet the parent needing help or support from their adult children is always seen as acceptable. I feel for you because my mum, although I love her, is and has always has been a tight fisted Scrooge and it can affect how you feel about them.