I know what I need to do but it is so hard

[DownAndOutLuck]

Been with my DP for 5 years after meeting at work (don’t work together anymore).

I have 1 DS from a previous relationship. Ds and DP get on fine, my ex is very involved with our ds so I’ve never needed anyone to kind of step in to the dad role. I get on great with DP’s family, he gets on great with mine. We have an amazing social life with joint friends and our individual friends, we go on great holidays etc. We see eachother 4-6 nights a week either at my place or his. He’s so kind, supportive, funny, caring, every word you want to use to describe a partner.

We have discussed moving in together several times, we both own our homes. I got made redundant and used the redundancy pay to go to uni and retrain and loads of other things have meant moving in together have taken a back seat.

But this weekend I sat him down and brought it up again, and we ended up having a huge argument. I won’t go into it all but I need to start coming to terms with the fact that he loves me, but can’t commit to me. Even writing this now I’m in tears. The thought of us not being together destroys me to the point I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I KNOW what I need to do, I know what everyone is going to say but our whole lives are intertwined, we have just booked a 6 week trip to America next year with DS, booked the hotel for his sisters wedding abroad next December etc.

i’m rambling and this post is all over the place. How can I even begin to come to terms with us not being a couple anymore? I literally can’t stand that feeling, my heart feels like it’s going to come out of my chest. I went to work yesterday after the argument and spent most of the day (I am a community staff nurse so between patients!!) crying, feeling sick, couldn’t eat. I literally don’t know how to even start processing splitting up, I feel like I might kill me 😢

Did he say he can’t commit or that he doesn’t want to live together? They can be entirely different things. It is perfectly possible ( sometimes desirable) to be in a loving, committed relationship and live separately.

He said he doesn’t see what the rush is (after 5 years 🤔) and that he’s not a planner and everything in his life has just happened (such as he inherited a house so didn’t ‘plan it’, the job where we met he was headhunted for and would never have seen it if a recruiter hadn’t have contacted him etc) and he just thinks one day we’ll see a house or whatever and say oh shall we live there and that’s it.

You have said you love each other, are happy, enjoy each other’s families. He was happy to support you with your education/career plans. It sounds to me that now you have a “space” after being so busy you need to push this through. Why? Seriously? If it has worked/is working? Is it because you think it’s the thing to do, or because you cannot bear to be apart anymore. Given everything is also good with your DC I’d think carefully about changing things atm. Hopefully you’ll have the rest of your life together.

Of course if it’s a reflection of other signs of lack of commitment, or other issues then that’s different.

Don’t try and fix what’s not broken. Sounds like everything is amazing, moving in together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’d keep things as they are

What exactly is it you want from him? What do you want him to do that he’s not doing?

I want to move in together and get married. What are we supposed to do long term, just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend, living apart? That isn’t what I want and I truly feel embarrassed that we have been together this long. His twin brother met his wife 2 weeks after we met. His wife also had a child from a previous relationship. In 5 years they have met, moved in, married and she’s now pregnant. I know comparison doesn’t help anyone but I look at them and I think what is wrong with me, why won’t he make the commitment to me. Wanting to spend a life together shouldn’t be a bad thing

Is your relationship broken....no

So don't try and fix it.

Sorry that was supposed to say we’ve been together for this long and have not moved forward

But surely it is broken? If after half a decade together, in our mid 30’s, settled jobs etc my DP doesn’t see us not living together or having an concrete plans for the future (apart from
holidays) as an issue then I honestly struggle to see how that’s ok

What we have isn’t enough for me. I know we could split up and I’ll never meet anyone again and in my heart of hearts I’m ok with that, I feel like that is better than feeling rejected, watching our friends get engaged, getting married, buying new houses and I’m still packing a little bag with my make up in to take to my boyfriends after 5 years is upsetting to me

No, comparison doesn’t help. You’re different people in different situations.

You’re threatening to dump him if he won’t move in with you but behaving as though he’s done something cruel and you’re heartbroken. I honestly can’t see why.

He’s happy as you are. You sound quite happy as you are. You’ve started a row because you can’t get him to bow to your idea of how things should be and now can’t eat. It’s very dramatic and unless you want him to freak out and break up with you and do the job for you then I’d work on finding some perspective.

You prioritised studying over living together. Now he’s happy not living together.

It sounds like a very healthy relationship, and the only issue is living together.

Is this really a deal breaker for you? If it is, fair enough, you will have to explain that to him, and be clear you will leave if this doesn’t happen in a set amount of time.

However, it might be worth examininb
g why it’s so important to you. Is it as a run up to having kids? In which case, fair enough, but you should toss in getting married as well.

If it’s as a run up to getting married or just because you want to - could it wait a bit? It’s also worth talking to him
calmly about why it’s not important to him - it might be that there’s no particular reason you can find a compromise time scale —or it might also be that while he gets on with your son, he doesn’t want to live with a child all the time, whereas when your son’s a bit older it might be fine.

I think you are a bit post row right now, calm down, talk it through, find a compromise
if you can, and if you can’t - then yes it will be painful but you’ll come out the other side.

Well split up if it’s not heading in the direction you want to go but I wouldn’t use words like broken. It’s clearly not broken. You have a ( a conventional ) vision in your head about what a relationship should be and he hasn’t bought into that at this stage. Maybe he never will - who knows. But I don’t see he’s done anything wrong unless he’s been making promises and not delivering on them.

It's okay look firstly get in mind that everything is alright okay ? Nothing is wrong in your relationship, you guys enjoy each other time and been together. The only thing is bothering you is your insecurities, Is there any third person between you two - who has been bothering you?

Because he did not said no to you, even it's been 5 years, there still might be some insecurities he has! Even man has there own insecurities may be it's not as easy as it seems to you. Give him sometime - you seems chill one type and I feel like over 5 years you never tried to make him commit all along out off nowhere you asked for moving in! Is a bit sus , Are you sure you ain't insecure about anyone around him?

I’d be upset too op.

Id think after 5 years he should know. I got with my partner (granted I’ve known him 13 years as used to work for his parents) in march this year and moved in with my dd now. Living with his dd half the time and we’re hoping to move in and buy together next April.

love is love, I hope he commits to you op.

Some happily married couples don’t live together either. You don’t seem to be engaging with what most of us are saying. It sounds like a great relationship. It seems daft to throw it away because you think you “ should” be living together by now. Although you were happy to row back when you wanted to (correctly) prioritise your own plans. Why not go on as it is for the moment?

I don’t know why people are gaslighting you by telling you that “nothing is broken” and your relationship is fine as it is, OP when you are clearly telling us that it isn’t and you are unhappy. It’s a difficult one because he isn’t being unreasonable to want to keep things as they are, but neither are you in wanting to live with and marry your partner.

I do sympathise with both of your predicaments. I suppose you have to think about what’s more important to you; this specific relationship, or being married and cohabiting. If it’s the latter then you’ll have to end things and start to look for the relationship that will lead to that. Best of luck

I think you might be a bit like me. In that he has been not unreasonable but you have had marriage as the next set step in your in your head. He was honest and stated his thoughts but you reacted - rather than taking a step back and responding.

Your emotions took over, possibly saw it as a betrayal in your mind and so you pressed away with your version of things leading to an argument.

If this was the first time in the time you've been together that you've discussed getting married... it's a big thing to be contemplating. If he's the type that let's things happen or evolve (which also sounds like me) he may well have been wrong-footed.

His initial reaction to this sudden pressure might be to say 'no' as this in his mind is the safest default in his experience. He hasn't had time to process what would be a very big commitment.

This is just one suggestion for what might be going on his head. It might be that he knows he is not the committing type. Without a calmer discussion you won't know.

I wish that I could give you the benefit of hindsight OP. I am in my 60's and have grown-up children, and I am on my second marriage. The children are from my 1st marriage. I have been married to my DH for far far longer than I was to my first DH.

Of course I can't even give myself the benefit of hindsight, but my now DH was never as thoughtful and lovely to me as your DP is to you. I quite often still question myself on whether I should have ever married him. My life has not been 'happy' since I met him - although there have been happy moments - I have always felt 3rd or 4th best with him. So would I have been better off not marrying him, would my DC be happier, more settled if I hadn't married him? Maybe, I just don't know. I will never know, because we can't know about the things that didn't happen.

But the one thing I do know OP, and I have no doubts about it whatsoever, is please

*Don't do, or not do, any thing, just because of what other people might, or will, think.
It shouldn't matter if you were the last unmarried couple on the planet. You shouldn't worry about whether other people think it is strange, or that you must be strange, because you don't live with your DP. Imo, the only things that do matter are that you and your DP communicate freely and easily with each other, that you continue to do so until you both trust and understand each others view points, and that you both believe that the love you have for each other, can and will last throughout the forseeable future.

If after throwing out the shallow stuff - other people's opinions - one of you knows that you cannot be happy with what the other one can offer, than very sadly you will probably have to part ways. But if that happens I really hope that it is for the right and important reasons, and not just because of what either of you have grown up thinking should be the way a relationship unfolds. The only other, but equally important consideration, should be how any of either of your decisions will affect your DC*

I do recognise @DownAndOutLuck that my last two paragraphs above are telling you what you should think, and how you should behave, when practically the whole point of those paragraphs was to beseech you not to do things just because other people (including me) think you should do them! So please accept my apologies for me being another CF!

I’m in a very similar situation, have posted previously (under a different name) and got absolutely battered for daring to want ‘more’

The responses I got made me feel like I was mad for wanting to properly build a life with someone - something I don’t think you can do whilst living separately. I always suffered very badly from sadness seeing other people seemingly effortlessly blending their lives and wondering why I wasn’t worth the same.

One thread I found on here has some really interesting ideas about long term living apart relationships (I don’t think it matters that the title refers to post-divorce, etc) - thought you might like a look:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4622650-post-divorce-relationships-how-have-your-partners-shown-long-term-commitment

Ultimately, only you can weigh up whether your relationship gives you enough of what you need, long term.

I’ve been mentally see-sawing for a year and am finding myself gradually swaying towards ‘it’s not enough’, even though I know it will break my heart to end things.

Sending hugs in sympathy, OP 💐 it’s a horrible feeling and very difficult to navigate.

Has he said if he wants kids at some point?

I get it OP, I wouldn't be happy either if, after 5 years, my boyfriend couldn't show a bit more commitment. I don't think I'd want to be taking overnight bags back and forth after this length of time.

His comment about 'not being a planner' is not completely true either, if you've planned and booked a 6 week road trip for next summer.

I think broken is the wrong word, but I don’t agree with the many posters telling you that everything is fine as it is and you should be happy. You are not happy, I wouldn’t be happy with this either. If you want to get married, maybe have another child, then it sounds like you do need to find someone else that wants to do that with you. I think you are right to think five years of packing your weekend bag is enough.

I don't see why it's essential for you to live together if you have great, entwined lives living separately.

Is he mean with money op? Could he not want to share finances?