I know what I need to do but it is so hard

[DownAndOutLuck]

Been with my DP for 5 years after meeting at work (don’t work together anymore).

I have 1 DS from a previous relationship. Ds and DP get on fine, my ex is very involved with our ds so I’ve never needed anyone to kind of step in to the dad role. I get on great with DP’s family, he gets on great with mine. We have an amazing social life with joint friends and our individual friends, we go on great holidays etc. We see eachother 4-6 nights a week either at my place or his. He’s so kind, supportive, funny, caring, every word you want to use to describe a partner.

We have discussed moving in together several times, we both own our homes. I got made redundant and used the redundancy pay to go to uni and retrain and loads of other things have meant moving in together have taken a back seat.

But this weekend I sat him down and brought it up again, and we ended up having a huge argument. I won’t go into it all but I need to start coming to terms with the fact that he loves me, but can’t commit to me. Even writing this now I’m in tears. The thought of us not being together destroys me to the point I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I KNOW what I need to do, I know what everyone is going to say but our whole lives are intertwined, we have just booked a 6 week trip to America next year with DS, booked the hotel for his sisters wedding abroad next December etc.

i’m rambling and this post is all over the place. How can I even begin to come to terms with us not being a couple anymore? I literally can’t stand that feeling, my heart feels like it’s going to come out of my chest. I went to work yesterday after the argument and spent most of the day (I am a community staff nurse so between patients!!) crying, feeling sick, couldn’t eat. I literally don’t know how to even start processing splitting up, I feel like I might kill me 😢

Back up! Breathe, nothing is on fire. You have made a decision, that you want to get married and move in together, or it's over. That's your decision. Take a minute to let that settle in. Your decision, your belief that you can't be in a serious relationship unless you're cohabiting, your belief that he's rejecting you and you'd rather be alone forever.

It all sounds really dramatic and unnecessary to me, and comparing your situation to anyone elses is never ever going to make you happy.

Life isn't a travelator up towards death where you fall off the top, having to tick every box in order on the way up. When you're single people ask you if you've met someone yet, when you have, it's when are you moving in/getting married, then it's when are you having kids, and when you've done that it's, when are you having another one?

None of this is necessary. You could, if you can get your head around it, carry on being happy. Or you could lay down needless ultimatums and it will be over. Is there any chance you can calm down enough to have a proper conversation with him about this instead of staying in a flat panic? See if you can broaden your perspective, and listen to what he has to say. He might have some really good considered feelings about this, he might be unsure about being in a step father role to your DC, it could be financial, there are lots of reasons he could have. Don't jump to rejection. You need to at the very least be able to have a conversation with the man, if you want to marry him.

Give it a go.

I love not living with my partner of 4 years. Hell would freeze over before we'd move in together. But I'm 50 and it suits me perfectly.

But it doesn't matter what I want and enjoy. This is something you want.

I think you are entitled to your feelings .After 5 years then that is a reasonable time to think of moving in together I think .Maybe you should have another chat , If you want marriage and commitment then he should be able to think about that at least ,otherwise you may need to reconsider your RL

I'm on the other side of this - My DP is desperate to move in with me, constantly sending me links to rightmove. We've been together same amount of time and I absolutely love him and our relationship. He is fantastic. But all this pushing makes me feel so uncomfortable - after my divorce and resettling - a few years is still quite raw. I also don't like the idea/complication of blended families - particularly reading half the posts on here about them.

From my point of view, I'd rather have my fun relationship with someone I adore, which I look forward to every single time than arguing over the dishwasher.

The only thing I think will break us up is if push came to shove on the moving in front. I have my reasons for not wanting to do this (my financial security and that of my children) and your partner will have his.

Arguing over the dishwasher is very overrated.

You’re not unreasonable to feel how you do but neither is he. Not wanting to move in with you is not a rejection, it’s just a difference in the kind of relationship he wants as opposed to the one you want. Are you blinded by societal expectations that you “should” be moving in together and getting married? It’s worth interrogating why you feel so strongly that the relationship has to go that way when it sounds very happy as it is. Ultimately though if you’re not happy and don’t agree on a way forward then you shouldn’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel sad and rejected.

Your take away from the argument is a feeling of rejection and if you really do want marriage and possibly children with this man then fair enough. However, as a long married woman I would say that living with a man is over rated.

This relationship would suit me just fine as I don't want to get married or move in with a man. I like my own space.
If it doesn't suit you then you need to tell him it doesn't and put the onus on him as to how you intend to proceed with this.
Tell him you cannot continue with this relationship not living together. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

Why rock the boat then, if everything else is perfect then just leave things as they are. If you can't imagine your life without him then back off and stop going on about the living together thing, you'll end up backing him into a corner and it might not end well.

It's not broken, it's just not what you want. I'm sorry that you're hurting because of that.

Er...this is your issue.

He's committed.

Youre fixated on someone giving up their home and independence even though you spend 5 to 6 nights together already and holiday together.

Why would anyone with their own house, household have to give it up just because theyre in love?

He's done nothing wrong. You've got fixed views and you're forcing them onto the situation.

The thing is your both right to want what you want but you want different things.

Reading between the lines here;you mention your mid thirties,people around you are getting married and having babies together and you have a child already;do you want to just live with your boyfriend or get married and give your child a sibling?

You need to make a decision about what's important to you but when you do you must do so knowing you're not going to get exactly what you want here

It isn’t that he has done something wrong and if OP wanting something different to him is an “issue” then yes I guess it is “her issue” but I personally would never describe a person having a clear opinion on what they want as being an “issue”. I see it as two people legitimately wanting different things from their relationship and neither of them are right or wrong.

One thing it took me years to realise is that often people who say seemingly wise stuff about your loving, kind, thoughtful boyfriend not 'committing' to you because you don't fit a template of married and cohabiting are often not that happy in their relationship. You have something that a lot of people never find, a loving and supportive relationship with a good guy. Don't throw it away because of some narrow minded idea about what relationships should look like. There are millions of unhappy people in marriages who live together. You have more than them, although they will probably never want to admit that. Look honestly at what you have described. You have a loving partner. Don't give up your happiness without knowing that it's because it's genuinely significant to you to move in and get married. If you are happy day to day that is really a lot more than a lot of people have.

@DownAndOutLuck if it’s not enough for you then it’s not enough! But be really clear with yourself why you are letting him go, as in please don’t expect that the break up will be a test and will settle things one way or another. He may take you at your word, move on, and in 3 years be living a life with someone else that he could have been living with you.
By all means, tell him what you want, clearly and without qualifiers. He might try to make that happen, he might not. Give it enough time though if you really do want to stay with him, because neither of you want an proposal that feels extorted.
Having said all that, do break up with him if you can see no happy way forward, but do it calmly and soberly. If you do it in anger, you might end up regretting it.

I know this is speculation of course, but a lot of people who get engaged, married, buy a house etc, may not actually be as happy as you assume. Is the goal to fit a template or to have a good healthy relationship? I have numerous married friends whose relationships somewhat alarm me, they're sprinkled with control issues, belittling, contempt, but they will likely stay married for many years yet. We are brought up to see marriage etc as an achievement, but it's actually having a kind loving relationship that's an achievement. Maybe explain to your boyfriend that you are feeling a bit insecure and rejected and talk it through him calmly, owning your own feelings. Don't go down the path of how things 'should' be or what other people are doing, criticise or pressure him. Just explain your feelings, non defensively. More things might unfold in time and it sounds as if he does think that one day you will live together. It sounds like you might have a happy ending to me :)

Neither of you are being unreasonable - you just want different things.

I wouldn't be happy with the situation after 5 years either, you're not wrong to feel the way you do.

It's up to you to decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not. There is no easy option here. For what it's worth, I had to give my now dh an ultimatum in order for us to get married (even worse situation than yours as we'd been 10 years together and had 2 dc's together). It was ridiculous and made me feel like shit - but I told him I wanted to be married that same year or I'd walk. When he realised I was serious he got fully on board with it - Im not sure he even knows himself why he didn't want to get married.

I still feel resentful of the fact it had to come to that - it wasn't exactly romantic!

I'd be fine with it, but I'm past having children. It sounds however, that you might be seeing marriage and more DC's as an aim. Totally fair, and given that his twin is about to have a DC with his wife, your DP is of an age where you possibly thought marriage and DC's would be on his radar.
However, you don't mention having discussed future plans prior to the argument. After all this time, it usually has come up sooner in young couples as to how they see their future after a year or 2. Do you know if your DP wants children himself? If he's not bothered, but you are, that's not really compatible.

i agree completely with you OP, i wouldnt be happy if my partner didnt want to commit to marriage/moving in together after 5 years either. it would make me feel shit too. i look at it as the natural thing to do with someone you love.

Can you explain what's "natural" about it (other than we have all been socialised into thinking it is)

Completely see why you are so upset OP. This would be a dealbreaker for me at this stage too, but on MN you are supposed to be entirely cool with living apart forever. I would end it.

If you honestly believe that you would be better off single and alone for the rest of your life than with someone who loves you and who you love but just doesn’t live with you, then I’d say you don’t actually love him and are looking for reasons to end this relationship.

if you genuinely loved him then you would communicate, you might disagree, but if the relationship was genuinely a strong one then you would find a way through together.

The fact that you are prepared to throw all of this away to your own detriment suggests that you actually want out anyway, in which case he is wise not to commit, because it is unlikely to last.

OP you sound heart-broken, I hope you are feeling better this morning about the situation.

It's absolutely gutting when you hoped someone might want to take the next step and they don't want to.

Or face into it. Tell your DP you are sorry that the argument escalated but you really want to understand what's going on. Tell him you would like him to be honest with you and with himself, as it is really important for you to know where your future is going. Ask if he loves you. Ask if he feels deep down someone better is going to come along for him. Ask if there are other practical or emotional concerns making him hold back. Really listen to those answers and help him consider what he is feeling and thinkin. Ask how he would feel if the relationship ended now, because he can't move forward. Ask him how he feels when he sees his twin brother settled; is it something he could ever see for himself, or want for himself.

Maybe you are making it too easy for him to have it all his own way - freedom and independence when he wants it, sex on tap when he feels like spending time with his loyal girlfriend, no need to really take any interest in your DS. You're there adoring him and forever waiting.

You are allowed to want and ask for more. Try not to get too emotional as that rarely plays well with men - make it practical, treat it as a problem to be solved. And make it clear it is BOTH his problem and yours - whether the relationship moves to the next level and when and how; or whether the relationship ends. Be very clear that if it ends there will be no FWB situation. Friends, but no more than that.

Oh and book some holiday insurance if you haven't already!

There is nothing, NOTHING, wrong with wanting to live with someone and build a life with them and I wonder how many of the posters who have said to be grateful for what you have and settle for less than you want are living with someone? The key point here is you do not want this situation anymore. I think you need to speak to him again.

This “I’m not a planner” stuff would drive me completely round the bend.

Commitment looks different for both of you. The question is whether and how you each compromise.

Building a life doesn't necessarily need to entail having financial and legal entanglement. It is built on practical necessities of life being 'cheaper' when living together.