Husband told me off

[Yearsyonder]

My husband, two girls and I were visiting his brother and his wife today to celebrate our nephews birthday. Whilst we were there he started to tell a (slightly funny) story about something that had happened to us. I got involved and butted in and added the next sentence in the story. This was taken badly by him and he turned, stopped the story and told me off for interrupting, said I was rude, kept doing it and that I needed to stop doing it. I was shocked, concious the room was looking at me, so said, 'I'm sorry for interrupting and talking over you; I won't do it again'. He listened to me, turned away again and continued the story. I made sure to remain neutral and quietly pleasant for the rest of the visit.

On the way home I began to analyse my emotions and realised I felt embarrassed/ashamed by being told off in front of everyone and sad that he feels that it's ok to do so. I wouldn't mind being pulled up on it in private. I am very able to reflect and see his point of view. I'm not one to be stubborn, I easily can apologise.

Siring my thinking I was quieter than normal, so he asked me what was wrong and I explained the above feelings; embarrassed, felt shamed in front of everyone and now felt sad.

He became belligerent and annoyed that I felt these feelings. That I was somehow criticising him for HIS feelings. I reassured him that I understood how he felt, that I was sorry for it all. But that I don't like the way he did it. He said I was unreasonable to not repeat the apology as soon as we got into the car to leave (ie to really apologise properly) and that actually it turns out I do this all the time and that this was the fifth time this weekend.

I will admit I do get excited when telling a joint story and I do butt in sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes I forget.

Am I an awful person? Did I deserve to be told off in front of everyone? Am I wrong to feel annoyed/hurt at being told off in front of everyone?

I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to. Not just butting in. I feel increasingly like he doesn't really like who I naturally am.

What should I do?

It is irritating when people butt in but I think he's very out of order for 'telling you off' and also it's like he's keeping a tally of the times you step out of line, which would upset me too

He is wrong to tell you off but it's very annoying when someone butts in . More of a question is your reaction to it all . It wasn't a nice episode but move on . Unless there is a backstory of control / abuse then leave it be . You annoyed him so he grumped you . It's over with .

Why, as an adult, do you need to be told not to interrupt people at all?

Well if my partner was telling a story and I joined in he wouldn't have that reaction, and neither would I if it was the other way round. He sounds like a dick

I'm not sure why anyone thinks he was in the wrong here. You interrupted and tried to take over. He stopped you from doing so by pointing out your rudeness. Good for him.

The wider issue though, you say you are often in trouble with him, make mistakes. Without any context though? Are you often doing things wrong and needing to be told so, or is he being authoritarian

What other things do you do that annoy him?

He permits himself a very public reaction to being interrupted but does not permit you to have a more private reaction to being reprimanded in public.
That would not sit right with me. Double standard there.

''I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to''

This sounds so stressful. Like he can put you up in the dock and question you and tell you the real motivation of your actions, but you definitely cannot do that to him. He is the judge and you are in the dock.

My mums been doing this to my dad for years and he’s finally started asking her to stop doing it, he never got to say anything, she does it to all of us. If I but in and realise I was wrong to do so I bring the conversation back to the person who I butted in on and apologise, remind them what they were talking about and ask them to continue.

whilst I think it was unfair he pulled you up on it when he did it can be very demoralising if you can’t talk for yourself, put yourself in his shoes and give him room to speak.

What else does he tell you off about?

She didn't take over, she joined in on a conversation about something that happened to them both, his reaction was completely OTT. I just can't imagine being that pissed off with my partner for joining in a conversation

I can really understand your hurt. He humiliated you in public.

Even if it is rude, you shouldn't reprimand someone you respect in front of others like that.

She didn't take over, she joined in on a conversation about something that happened to them both

OP said she butted in.

Funny isn't it, that although you are trying hard not to annoy him, he is frequently annoyed with you anyway. Does that make sense? Are you a clown? Are you selfish? Are you laughing at your own fart jokes? I would bet anything that you're not that annoying. By the way, would the dynamic between you ever allow you to make him aware of when he is annoying you? Or does it not flow that way. Criticisms one way only.

Is he even aware of what he does that might annoy you?
Would he ever make even the smallest bit of effort to avoid annoying you?

You've revealed a lot here.

1. you try hard not to annoy him.
2. he is the judge of what's annoying
3. HE CERTAINLY LETS YOU KNOW 4) HE CAN JUST BE HIMSELF THOUGH
4. He is not annoying. He is the judge of that too.
5. He is allowed to have reactions to your actions and words
6. you are not allowed to have an embarrassed or hurt reaction to his words and actions

I can understand why he's annoyed at you. You have repeatedly done something he has asked you not to do and don't seem to making any effort to stop. Maybe try and see things from his point of view then he may not react so strongly.

"I often find myself in trouble with him"

He's not your boss

OP I have a really bad habit of doing this.
However I have recognised it and consciously keep quiet when someone is sharing a joint story.
You probably should do the same. Well you seem more aware of it now.
It's up to you how to deal with the embarrassment.

Well so what, that doesn't mean she was taking over, she was excited to join in, I would imagine most people would have done this as some point in their life. Me and my partner are obviously more laid back as this wouldn't bother us at all. He most certainly shouldn't have behaved like that, and to expect her to apologise again when they got in the car? Fuck that. He sounds like a bully

I can see both sides really, if someone is telling a story it’s pretty damn rude to jump in and take over, on the other side it must have been mortifying to be “told off” in front of f&f like a naughty school child

I think it comes from it being a joint story, and so I felt like it was a joint venture to tell it; and don’t feel annoyance if people do the same to me. I see it is as the natural
flow of group conversation. BUT I do get that my own feelings on the subject aren’t the only valid ones and I do need to rethink how I act. I don’t want to be that person who doesn’t get how annoying the are. I will really try and keep myself in check and correct myself if I do. I can do that.

For those of you asking about previois episodes of being told off - so many. Often publicly and normally when he’s drunk (which he isn’t often, but can be at big events or on nights out - I’m not a big drinker so am often sober).

I’m in counselling to try and piece together what happens in these situationss and what I can do to change myself and the way I react to them (as I can’t change him as no one can change anyone else). I’ve learnt to remain calm in the moment, write down what happened (to help myself process/remember it) and to wait for him to also calm down before discussing it. I used to also quickly take up the ‘victim’ position in the triangle but I’ve learnt that that escalates the anger/disgust he has in me at those moments. I have had some success in descalating situations through these techniques.

My counsellor says he is emotionally abisive I’ve during these episodes. Just for some context. I’m still trying to work out what to do. I am struggling in the relationship in general, I feel very alone, unloved, and sad. But I also don’t trust my own feelings and don’t want to wreck things by being hasty or unreasonable myself.

I guess today was a mild version of the same situation. I was proud of how I deescalated it both in the moment, and then afterwards in the car when he became belligerent again, but it’s the cost to me that is praying on me.

I can’t bear always having to be on guard.

By the sounds of it the one thing you need to change is your relationship status to single. Even your therapist recognises he's abusive yet you're tying yourself in knots to please him.

@J0y intersting points:

‘You've revealed a lot here.

1. you try hard not to annoy him.
2. he is the judge of what's annoying
3. HE CERTAINLY LETS YOU KNOW
4. HE CAN JUST BE HIMSELF THOUGH
5. He is not annoying. He is the judge of that too.
6. He is allowed to have reactions to your actions and words
7. you are not allowed to have an embarrassed or hurt reaction to his words and actions’

He does things that really upset me - for example grabbing me sexually (grabbing my arse for example) when I don’t want to be. I’ve asked repeatedly not to as it makes my skin crawl/jump out of my skin (I was raped by an ex). But he still does it any way as he says it’s how he expresses his love and affection for me. I would love a non-sexual cuddle which then led on consensually to a more sexual touch, but can’t cope with the randomness of being groped when I’m busy looking after the kids/house/whatever. Makes me jump out my frigging skin and makes me angry as he doesn’t respect my related pleas not to.

So yeah, all of the above.

OP I think you actually need to leave him now that I've read your last post.
Or it's him that needs to be in counseling.
Overall you sound unhappy and that needs to be addressed.

Drip feed. Again.

You shouldn’t be having to learn how to manage his behaviour. I don’t think a lot of these comments are at all helpful, especially as you seem so naturally passive and subservient. He shouldn’t be telling you off at all - he isn’t your dad.

He sounds awful op, really really awful. I don’t think you should stay with him and I think instead of learning how to manage abusive behaviour, you should be learning to stand up for yourself and not accept abusive behaviour at all.
of course if he’s telling a story involving you, it’s normal for you to also speak. He just wants to be the centre of attention.