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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband told me off

95 replies

Yearsyonder · 25/09/2022 20:24

My husband, two girls and I were visiting his brother and his wife today to celebrate our nephews birthday. Whilst we were there he started to tell a (slightly funny) story about something that had happened to us. I got involved and butted in and added the next sentence in the story. This was taken badly by him and he turned, stopped the story and told me off for interrupting, said I was rude, kept doing it and that I needed to stop doing it. I was shocked, concious the room was looking at me, so said, 'I'm sorry for interrupting and talking over you; I won't do it again'. He listened to me, turned away again and continued the story. I made sure to remain neutral and quietly pleasant for the rest of the visit.

On the way home I began to analyse my emotions and realised I felt embarrassed/ashamed by being told off in front of everyone and sad that he feels that it's ok to do so. I wouldn't mind being pulled up on it in private. I am very able to reflect and see his point of view. I'm not one to be stubborn, I easily can apologise.

Siring my thinking I was quieter than normal, so he asked me what was wrong and I explained the above feelings; embarrassed, felt shamed in front of everyone and now felt sad.

He became belligerent and annoyed that I felt these feelings. That I was somehow criticising him for HIS feelings. I reassured him that I understood how he felt, that I was sorry for it all. But that I don't like the way he did it. He said I was unreasonable to not repeat the apology as soon as we got into the car to leave (ie to really apologise properly) and that actually it turns out I do this all the time and that this was the fifth time this weekend.

I will admit I do get excited when telling a joint story and I do butt in sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes I forget.

Am I an awful person? Did I deserve to be told off in front of everyone? Am I wrong to feel annoyed/hurt at being told off in front of everyone?

I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to. Not just butting in. I feel increasingly like he doesn't really like who I naturally am.

What should I do?

OP posts:

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/09/2022 13:08

This man is a total abusive arse - he likes controlling you and degrading you, that is why he tells you off in public and sexually assaults you - he is not just showing affection. I have no doubt at all that you need to leave him. It may take some time as you have children, but if I was you I would start saving and planning now because you cannot stay in this sad, lonely abusive relationship. In 30 years my DH has never told me off, let alone in public.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/09/2022 13:11

Also, I am horrified by the number of abuse apologists on this thread.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/09/2022 13:39

Actually OP I think it's far easier when there are children involved. You decide to leave for yourself but also because you don't want your children growing up to treat people badly or accept being treated badly!!

LikeAStar1994 · 24/12/2022 21:00

You tell children not to interrupt somebody when they're talking. Not an adult.

He sounds like a proper bellend.

LikeAStar1994 · 24/12/2022 21:04

Oh dear. Looks like I'm going to get shouted at for resurrecting a zombie now

NandoReindeer · 24/12/2022 21:10

I thought you should leave him after reading your opening post OP, you didn’t need to add anything else for me.

His behaviour is abusive.

The other adults in the room must have felt SO awkward. I would have been horrified and thought he was an absolute little dick of a man, regardless if you were interrupting to join in the story.

Maybe ask for this to be moved to relationships, AIBU seems to be full of posters who want to pile on for the sake of it, it’s not a nice place when you really need help or advice

DucklingDaisy · 25/12/2022 09:30

I hate people complaining about "drip feeds" when it's fucking obvious that people aren't going to be able to distill their relationship down in a single post, and are often going to be concerned about a single incident then tease their wider feelings out through the ongoing conversation. It's also especially nasty to pile into an OP whose issue is being excessively scrutinised and criticised.

OP I think it can feel annoying for someone to take over a story you're telling (though it can also be reasonable to join in, really hard to judge the specifics without actually witnessing it) but humiliating you publicly the way he did is massively disproportionate and cruel. When you describe him just listening to you apologise and then turning back away, that's so nasty.

SpentDandelion · 25/12/2022 09:48

This is no way to live, he sounds so pompous and serious , it's beggars belief, he needs to lighten up. Your trying too hard to please him and win his approval, yet losing yourself.
I would find your situation thoroughly suffocating and claustrophobic, he's not allowing you to be yourself, don't shrink yourself to fit in with him. My
late husband would have just laughed it off, not reprimanded me in front of others, it didn't warrant that belittling behaviour.

America12 · 25/12/2022 11:04

I know this is an old thread , I'd say 'don't talk to me like that ' in front of everyone

Deathraystare · 25/12/2022 12:14

You could crawl through broken glass and it would not be enough!

Why ask what is wrong? He basically told you to shut up!

Ok he wanted it to be his story, the big man!

Lots of couples finish off each others sentences so you haven't actually done anything too bad. He is a knob.

Ofcourseshecan · 25/12/2022 23:40

J0y · 25/09/2022 20:41

''I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to''

This sounds so stressful. Like he can put you up in the dock and question you and tell you the real motivation of your actions, but you definitely cannot do that to him. He is the judge and you are in the dock.

Yes, this is horrible. He obviously thinks he is the boss and the judge. Do you really want your children growing up with this?

jannier · 25/12/2022 23:49

As it's gone on your revealing he is actually a self centred controlling arse grouping you and being abusive......what are you getting from this relationship other than how to keep quiet put up with and suffer.....?

jannier · 25/12/2022 23:52

firstmummy2019 · 26/09/2022 08:24

Well he finds it annoying, he told you to stop and you carried on. I would find it irritating.

Did you read the other things he does?

Bepis · 25/12/2022 23:54

He was right in what he said, that it is rude and you shouldn't interrupt but his delivery was completely callous.

The loving thing to do would have been to wait until you were both alone and have a chat about it. It shouldn't even be a case of him 'telling you off' as it's not a parent-child relationship here. He could have very calmly told you how it makes him feel when you interrupt and you both could have gone from there.

No need to tell you off, let alone in public.

knittingaddict · 26/12/2022 05:55

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 25/09/2022 20:36

Well if my partner was telling a story and I joined in he wouldn't have that reaction, and neither would I if it was the other way round. He sounds like a dick

Exactly. Isn't it just the ebb and flow of conversation? It is in our house.

If it's a joint story it doesn't belong to him and he doesn't get to hog it.

knittingaddict · 26/12/2022 05:57

Effing ZOMBIE.

Bepis · 26/12/2022 15:41

knittingaddict · 26/12/2022 05:57

Effing ZOMBIE.

Didn't realise the date

KnotofAnxiety · 28/12/2022 19:20

Be good to hear from the original poster. How are you doing?

Ladybyrd · 30/12/2022 06:28

No you aren't an awful person, but neither is he. I am quite quiet. My partner will really dominate the conversation, left unchecked. There have been times when visiting my parents that I couldn't get a word in edgeways. The first time I told him how frastrating I found it on the way home. Now when he does it, I tell him there and then. Maybe this has been building up for a while. I don't think telling you off in front of everyone was appropriate, unless he's brought it up before and you've just carried on.

Untitledsquatboulder · 30/12/2022 07:32

Get out OP.
You can't fix this, he doesn't want your relationship fixed. He likes you like this (unhappy, self doubting, ground down a little more every day, silenced). Chilling.

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