Husband told me off

[Yearsyonder]

My husband, two girls and I were visiting his brother and his wife today to celebrate our nephews birthday. Whilst we were there he started to tell a (slightly funny) story about something that had happened to us. I got involved and butted in and added the next sentence in the story. This was taken badly by him and he turned, stopped the story and told me off for interrupting, said I was rude, kept doing it and that I needed to stop doing it. I was shocked, concious the room was looking at me, so said, 'I'm sorry for interrupting and talking over you; I won't do it again'. He listened to me, turned away again and continued the story. I made sure to remain neutral and quietly pleasant for the rest of the visit.

On the way home I began to analyse my emotions and realised I felt embarrassed/ashamed by being told off in front of everyone and sad that he feels that it's ok to do so. I wouldn't mind being pulled up on it in private. I am very able to reflect and see his point of view. I'm not one to be stubborn, I easily can apologise.

Siring my thinking I was quieter than normal, so he asked me what was wrong and I explained the above feelings; embarrassed, felt shamed in front of everyone and now felt sad.

He became belligerent and annoyed that I felt these feelings. That I was somehow criticising him for HIS feelings. I reassured him that I understood how he felt, that I was sorry for it all. But that I don't like the way he did it. He said I was unreasonable to not repeat the apology as soon as we got into the car to leave (ie to really apologise properly) and that actually it turns out I do this all the time and that this was the fifth time this weekend.

I will admit I do get excited when telling a joint story and I do butt in sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes I forget.

Am I an awful person? Did I deserve to be told off in front of everyone? Am I wrong to feel annoyed/hurt at being told off in front of everyone?

I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to. Not just butting in. I feel increasingly like he doesn't really like who I naturally am.

What should I do?

I think you do know OP that this relationship can’t continue. You are trying to manage him by pacifying and trying to de-escalate his abusive behaviour. This won’t work, he will get worse, and you may lose any energy to get out. This isn’t a healthy environment for your kids or you.

Givr yourself time to make a plan. Pull all your financials and go see a solicitor and see what you’d hand in a split, and with up your plans from there.

"I think it is exhausting to constantly be interrupted. Have you seen that Little Britain sketch where the wife talks over the husband all the time. Lots of people do it."

Have you even bothered to read the OPs posts?

I agree. Butting in can be irritating, but rebuking someone in such an authoritarian way is OTT and must have embarrassed everyone else.

I was proud of how I deescalated it both in the moment, and then afterwards in the car when he became belligerent again, but it’s the cost to me that is praying on me. I can’t bear always having to be on guard.

You shouldn’t have to be on guard. He sounds horrible. Your DDs are growing up seeing their mother being routinely belittled and disrespected. Think what this is doing to them.

Surprised by the amount of posters who sided with he husband before the updates tbh.

Annoying behaviour or no, how low do standards have to be before it's appropriate to openly reprimand your partner in front of others? If I realised a relationship had got to that point I'd be shocked and end it. You're meant to be a team. Who wants to live like that. I can only think of a handful of situations where I witnessed an incident like that and everyone else present exchanged looks like "wow these guys are f*ed". Most turned out to be abusive relationships. I'm very surprised that this would be considered normal behaviour outside an abusive relationship.

Everyone looked you as they pitied you as your dh looked like a complete tit, telling you off. Did anyone even laugh st his story anyway?

I think you interrupting a story and him getting narked is the least of your problems. You’ve got a controlling, abusive husband and you’d be better off without him. Would you advise your sister or your best friend to stay with a man like this?

Yanbu - he's a dick.
His behaviour was designed to belittle you and put you in your place in front of others.

Fair that was annoyed, his handling of the matter was very much not ok. That's before we get to his behaviour in the car.

Not surprised as I read on that he's emotionally abusive.
You can do better, you deserve better.

It is far, far ruder for him to scold you in front of others than for you to interrupt him.

Actually, I'd like to point out that this whole "interrupting" nonsense is pretty unique to Anglo-Saxon culture. In most of the rest of the world, tossing in your "two cents" (as Americans say) shows engagement, interaction, and enthusiasm (as long as you're adding to the story, of course, not changing the subject totally).

And that goes double in this case since it was not HIS story but YOUR joint story, apparently.

Stop calling it groping and start calling it what it is. Which is persistent sexual assaults. Are your children witnessing these assaults? Is he assaulting you when you’re asleep?

He does things that really upset me - for example grabbing me sexually (grabbing my arse for example) when I don’t want to be. I’ve asked repeatedly not to as it makes my skin crawl/jump out of my skin (I was raped by an ex). But he still does it any way as he says it’s how he expresses his love and affection for me.

So he repeatedly sexually assaults you and you interrupt him.

Which do you think is worse? Just objectively.

LEAVE. Please. He's awful.

OP with respect it’s not your behaviour that needs to change, it’s his. Your husband sounds like a bully , and I doubt he is going to change his behaviour. It should be him in therapy if anything. I’m so sorry your going through this, it sounds just awful and you don’t deserve to be treated this way 💐(especially by a person who is supposed to love you… this is not how we treat people we love).

Obviously it’s your choice whether you stay or choose to leave this relationship, and it does sound like you deserve better tbh. This man’s behaviour is abusive. That said, it’s not always easy to leave… But In regards to children, do you want them to grow up thinking his behaviour toward you is acceptable and normal? …

You say you feel unloved, alone and sad - you are absolutely right. He doesn’t love you. He is adamantly destroying you, your self-confidence and self-esteem.
You don’t need counselling. You need to get out of this marriage. Don’t delay and deliberate because of the children.
You and they deserve to be happy but you’re not, are you? How could you be when you’re being systematically humiliated and degraded?

Of course you're not an awful person.

We have a similar thing, OP. I have a tendency to to jump in when my husband is talking - not often - but when he's telling a story and I get excited, sometimes I jump in and add something - it's quite natural really.

My DH just told me in private one time that it interrupts his flow when I do it. I hadn't even been aware of it before, now I am, so I work on not doing it as much, and it's all fine!

There is absolutely no need for him to belittle you, embarrass you, make you feel ashamed or upset - especially not in front of other people. That was the wrong way for him to address it and you're right to feel upset by that.

As for the touching you without consent - that is an absolute alarm bell. It's not OK.

Oh my goodness, some of the replies on here are supporting a man who is so obviously abusive and has downtrodden someone to the point where they're saying they need to change and not interrupt this arsehole of a man - I despair. From the first post it was obvious what OP is dealing with - abuse.

OP, you are not an awful person, you don't need to tread on egg shells to avoid him telling you off like a child in public, or abusing you when he's drunk. What's in this relationship for you? As far as I can see it's just going to be a lifetime of misery

This. Said so much better than I did

I can't stand adults who tell other adults off. It's unnecessary. He's controlling!

He’s abusive, OP. That was a massive, inappropriate and ill-natured reaction to you joining in with this story. He publicly humiliates you and bullies you into silence when you privately try to express your feelings. He sexually assaults you - even though it’s your body, he thinks he has a right to touch you whenever and however he wants, irrespective of your feelings. Which is particularly hard to understand when he knows you were raped by an ex. You’re walking on eggshells because he picks fault with you all the time so you feel like he doesn’t even like you. Now you’re in therapy trying to mould yourself so that you suit him better. That’s so wrong. Fortunately your therapist recognises that he is abusive and has flagged it to you. Your ex was abusive and it sounds like you’ve gone into another abusive relationship. It sounds like you would be much better off away from this man.

Interrupting people is rude and annoying.

He is a controlling and abusive bastard, based on your later texts - but even on the basis of the first one it didn’t look good. He could have said ‘Hey, I’m telling this story!’ But instead he humiliated you.
If mine did this in front of his family I wouldn’t be going there again. He wouldn’t have done it in front of my dad, he would have bollocked him.
He needs a firm talking to. Like ‘what the hell do you think you’re going? You think you can grab my arse whenever but I can’t interrupt a story? What the hell?’ Find your rage.

If he never pulled her up on this in private, and she does it often, he's an ass.

He could have pulled her up privately lots of times. If it doesn't happen often, again, he could have just brought it up after leaving.

It's nasty to choose to scold someone In public when there is really no need.

Then you can bring it up in private like a normal person. It's unkind, immature and down right horrible to choose to scold someone in public.

I must be one of those women known as a ball breaker I suppose - and I appreciate that it’s hard to deal with someone like him but men like this need verbally slapping down. My dad taught me to take no crap from men like this.

Confused by all the comments from people telling you you should know better than to interrupt him and it was OK that you were publicly scalded...

Absofrigginlutely NOT. If it was the 5th time could he not have mentioned to you privately after say... the 2nd? My DH and I are always contributing to each others stories, because we're a team and that's kinda how conversations work... no?

Regardless, giving your partner into trouble for speaking is a bit handmaids tale and I certainly wouldn't be happy about the way it was handled.

Well he finds it annoying, he told you to stop and you carried on. I would find it irritating.