Husband told me off

[Yearsyonder]

My husband, two girls and I were visiting his brother and his wife today to celebrate our nephews birthday. Whilst we were there he started to tell a (slightly funny) story about something that had happened to us. I got involved and butted in and added the next sentence in the story. This was taken badly by him and he turned, stopped the story and told me off for interrupting, said I was rude, kept doing it and that I needed to stop doing it. I was shocked, concious the room was looking at me, so said, 'I'm sorry for interrupting and talking over you; I won't do it again'. He listened to me, turned away again and continued the story. I made sure to remain neutral and quietly pleasant for the rest of the visit.

On the way home I began to analyse my emotions and realised I felt embarrassed/ashamed by being told off in front of everyone and sad that he feels that it's ok to do so. I wouldn't mind being pulled up on it in private. I am very able to reflect and see his point of view. I'm not one to be stubborn, I easily can apologise.

Siring my thinking I was quieter than normal, so he asked me what was wrong and I explained the above feelings; embarrassed, felt shamed in front of everyone and now felt sad.

He became belligerent and annoyed that I felt these feelings. That I was somehow criticising him for HIS feelings. I reassured him that I understood how he felt, that I was sorry for it all. But that I don't like the way he did it. He said I was unreasonable to not repeat the apology as soon as we got into the car to leave (ie to really apologise properly) and that actually it turns out I do this all the time and that this was the fifth time this weekend.

I will admit I do get excited when telling a joint story and I do butt in sometimes. I try not to, but sometimes I forget.

Am I an awful person? Did I deserve to be told off in front of everyone? Am I wrong to feel annoyed/hurt at being told off in front of everyone?

I often find myself in trouble with him. I often make mistakes where I have annoyed him etc, but never intended to. Not just butting in. I feel increasingly like he doesn't really like who I naturally am.

What should I do?

Well that’s a huge drip feed. In the initial,op he was not unreasonable. It’s shit when you’re telling a story and someone takes over and tells the punch line, but the massive drip feed is something else.

Oh Jesus Christ. You didn't do anything wrong. He's an idiot

Eek. I didn’t mean to drip feed. It was just an example that came to my mind that when roles are reversed he’s still in the right.

You say what I can do to change myself and the way I react to them (as I can’t change him as no one can change anyone else)
No one can change anyone else. Yet here you are, changing yourself because of someone else.
You didn't but in, you joined in with the story telling, you were there, you were part of the story. Kind of like a 'finishing each others sentence' scenario.
He's counting how many times you but in?
My DM has some harmless habits, others may find annoying, me DS and her DP just grin and give each other a look when she does it. Because it's part of her, we love her.
You feel sad and unloved, you're not meant to feel this way in a relationship. Please, please call somewhere like women's aid, tell them about what's going on, get some more validation, this is wrong.
I hope you have the strength to leave soon.

So this is just another episode in a long list of stories with your nasty abusive sexually assaulting scum husband?

Please call Womens aid for support.
Time to plan your escape.

What are you looking for, permission to end your marriage? Here, I give it to you. You'll be much happier without him.

That’s it - I may be annoying, but I don’t mean to be! I dertainky don’t mind being told I am rude/annoying if it is done with kindness and allowing me to retain some dignity. I want to always improve myself, be better, kinder, more whatever is the correct thing to be. My family (as in my parents and sis) are full of quirks that could be annoying, but are actually to me part of their charm and why I love them. I don’t think I’m miles outside of social norms but to him it seems that I am awful and unbearable at times.

I don’t know. I need to figure it all out. There’s so much at stake with having children together and a house. It would be easy if we were just dating. Bye bye. But it’s not simple now. I feel like I should work things out and make things better. I guess I posted to see how wildly unreasonable I’m being. I wish I could have an independent adjudicator providing me with feedback!

This started off a bit worrying but actually I think you should leave him.
the telling off is pretty unacceptable to me but on its own maybe could be dealt with. The other bits of his behaviour tell me he is bullying you and does not give a shit about you really. I would go as far as to say he knows he is gaslighting and dominating you and continues this dynamic deliberately.
I don’t think it sounds like true love from him, it’s more like ultimate control and I don’t think he respects you at all.
I hope you can find some freedom. Don’t change yourself - you are more than fine as you are. He’s not the one for you; another would enjoy your bubbly chat and not see it as butting in. Stop apologising for being you, you dont owe anyone anything xoxox

Oh wow! I was about to say it’s ok for him to remind you not to interrupt (I’m a guilty interrupter - my DH takes FOREVER to tell a story and sometimes I jump in and he will gently ask me not to interrupt ) but ignoring you when you ask him not to do something you find triggering after being raped?? WtF? That’s your real issue :(

@Yearsyonder
IMHO - you need to leave this man. He is not safe for your 'person'. That he would behave the way you've asked him not to because of a rape.
When you tell him you're leaving, he will tell you he is sorry and he was not trying to hurt you. Still, just go, save yourself. Believe your counsellor

My counsellor says he is emotionally abisive I’ve during these episodes.

Thats the first thing that to my mind too.
Yes on paper and just reading the story as in ‘you’ve butted in and it’s annoying’ maybe you could give him some leeway (bar the fact humiliating you wasn’t necessary anyway AND you were part of the story so had amp,eg right to jump in and add your but too).
But his reaction in the car? Nope. Not acceptable.

I am uncomfortable about one thing though. You seem to be using counselling as a way to teach yourself nit to upset him.
Have you said that much to your counsellor and what did they say?
Because you sure as hell should not accept that. You should be working in establishing boundaries, not on avoiding setting him up.

If it was a joint story. I.e you were both involved in the story you were entitled to join in. It’s called a conversation. Butting in I would say is different. It would be him not being able to finish his sentence etc. Fine line I guess. However the way you have written that “he tells you off” makes it sound like he is in charge/parenting you. I wonder if there is other cases of control from him? Maybe consider counselling to unpick this. It sounds like there is more to it.

There’s so much at stake with having children together and a house. It would be easy if we were just dating. Bye bye. But it’s not simple now. I feel like I should work things out and make things better.

you’re right. There is a lot at stake. Starting with yourself and your dcs.
You who is being abused. You are slowly ,been grind down to nothing. You will walk more and more in eggshell.
Your dcs who are learning from watching their dad treating you like crap. And in effect are being abused too.
There is a lot a stake but it might not be what you think it is.

Also in a couple, you can’t make things better in your own. If he is refusing to acknowledge you as a person (eg with the arse grabbing), do you really think you have any chance of making things better? Well unless it involves erasing yourself completely and accept things you don’t want?

@Jewel7 read all the OP’s post.
She s having counselling already. The counsellor has already told her he us emotionally abusing her. She also has given other examples of how he behaves abd isn’t respecting her and her boundaries,

I am totally bewildered at all the responses here,he tells you off in front of everyone 🙄, I think you need to get away from this extremely controlling man

OP I've just read your posts and it sounds to me like your relationship is very asymmetric and unequal. He gets to tell you off publicly but is free to ignore your requests for changes in behaviour even if made in private? That's not right.

It's true you can't change anyone, but you can ask people to change. You seem to think that it is all on you to make this relationship work. It's not! And if you're scared to ask him to change, that's a bad sign.

I hear you about not wanting to break up the family, I'm in a difficult relationship myself and so far have not dissolved it. But you sound almost like you've lost yourself.

Your therapist seems to have your husband's measure. Perhaps s/he can help you devise ways to stand up for yourself? If your OH gets belligerent in response, don't exclude separation as a solution. All the best.

Echoing a PP I try and piece together what happens in these situationss and what I can do to change myself and the way I react to them (as I can’t change him as no one can change anyone else). I’ve learnt to... ( a list of things) STOP DOING THAT.

That is a great strategy for a functional communicative realtionship, it is a disater for an abusive relationship. Your counsellor tells you this sounds like abuse, please listen to them.

You cannot fix this, you cannot fix him. There is nothing you can fix in yourself that will resolve this. Please find a way to get out of this realtionship.

I’m in counselling to try and piece together what happens in these situationss and what I can do to change myself and the way I react to them (as I can’t change him as no one can change anyone else

You maybe can't change him but you can work towards no longer being involved with him- so you can change the situation.

He does things that really upset me - for example grabbing me sexually (grabbing my arse for example) when I don’t want to be. I’ve asked repeatedly not to as it makes my skin crawl/jump out of my skin (I was raped by an ex). But he still does it any way as he says it’s how he expresses his love and affection for me. I would love a non-sexual cuddle which then led on consensually to a more sexual touch, but can’t cope with the randomness of being groped when I’m busy looking after the kids/house/whatever. Makes me jump out my frigging skin and makes me angry as he doesn’t respect my related pleas not to.

You know he's sexually assaulting you repeatedly. Please find a way to separate from him and be free of him. @Yearsyonder x

I agree with everything @J0y pointed out. Even without the more serious issues you later raised, there's so much imbalance in the incident you initially described.

He was talking about an event you were both involved in -why wasn't it your joint story to tell? Why is he the storyteller? Why are you supposed to sit and listen and act like another member of his audience?

This incident alone reeks of misogyny. Men in leading roles, women as furniture. Men who tell women they talk too much when all the evidence points to the opposite being true. Men who don't think women's voices are worth listening to. Men who hold court and feel entitled to be heard and entitled to be the sole focus, even as they tell the tales of your life and your experience. They own you, so they own the experience. They are the leading role and you are just a member of the supporting cast.

I would wonder if you've really interrupted him a lot, or just spoken too much for his tastes, and not known your place as he sees it. Do other people complain that you interrupt too much?

I would wonder if a male friend of his had behaved as you had, would he have been chastised for interrupting, or simply seen as someone joining the conversation, respected enough to contribute?

The time to do that is afterwards. But my partner does have a habit of doing this to me, and it does totally piss me off.

If it came out of the blue, then I'd be pissed off at him belittling you. But if he's tried to warn you before. It is incredibly frustrating.

@Yearsyonder if you are being 100% honest with yourself, do you believe your husband is basically a good man?

I would imagine that your BiL and SiL were wishing they could escape what must have been the most awkward situation.

Op - your dh made a bit show of degrading you in public. Anyone who loved you and had a shred of kindness would have waited till you were in the car and then tried to explain how they feel when others jump in to tell a story.

You may have interrupted but he humiliated you and shut you down.

Up to you how you want to live your life but it sounds like a really awful existence to me.

So his feelings being hurt are essentially more important than yours. Has he ever mentioned this to you before? If not doing so in the situation rather than in private was just to humiliate you. His response of belligerence to you at explaining you prefer him to have said something to you in private is him saying your feelings do not matter. Sorry but this one does not seem to be a KEEPER. None of us are perfect and talking about these things in a partnership is good but not using others flaws to humiliate or cause self doubt. Dump and find someone who deserves you

My husband is like this. He hates to be interrupted. I interrupt all the time. All my friends do we all talk over each other and the loudest wins. Drives him mad though.

It is a problem. I try not to interrupt but I find I do. He doesn't tell me off any more but has this new thing where he goes silent and sulky... almost worse really. He is lovely in lots of other ways.

I think it is exhausting to constantly be interrupted. Have you seen that Little Britain sketch where the wife talks over the husband all the time. Lots of people do it.

My mum butts in all the time and doesn't seem to sense when to stop . She's ruined many punch lines or took the story in a different direction .. it can be annoying
Saying that we if YOU feel like he's getting annoyed at you just being you then maybe he isn't really the one for YOU x