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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP's creepy group chats

104 replies

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:00

DP has been very cagey with his phone for the past couple of months. Last night, I looked over while we were sitting on the sofa and saw him scrolling through nudes of various women on a Telegram chat group. This morning, I looked at his phone's notifications and saw lots of messages from said group. Googled and found a post talking about it. I'm pretty sure it's the same group — there are loads of others but this one uses the same phrasing as the title of the one he's in — and apparently to join and remain a member of the group you'd have to upload nudes of women from time to time!

Confronted DP and he said that almost everyone there just shares nudes they see on reddit (what he did) and you "only" have to share photos when you join but I am fucking scared he used ones of me. There are tens of thousands of people in this group and it's UK based ffs. He's left the group but I don't know if he's in others as there's so many similar ones with similar "rules" and it all makes me sick.

Is there a way I can make sure he deletes all my nudes, no backups, none saved in the cloud or something, before I break up with him? He thinks we're ok now and I don't want him to get suspicious.

OP posts:
sunlovingcriminal · 22/09/2022 17:01

Ugh. He sounds like a catch. Do you really like this man?

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:01

If you don't know what I'm talking about google "uk nsfw telegram reddit" it's one of those

OP posts:
LaughingPriest · 22/09/2022 17:03

Is there a way I can make sure he deletes all my nudes, no backups, none saved in the cloud or something, before I break up with him?

Not really, no. Once you sent them to him they became his files.

Sorry he's a total fuckhead and good luck ditching him Flowers

Butterbean9 · 22/09/2022 17:04

Flipping hell.
That would be the end of the relationship for me.
He has no respect for you or other women.

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 22/09/2022 17:05

Why are you taking naked photos of yourself? He sounds grim but I don’t understand why you’d share such images.

browneyes77 · 22/09/2022 17:08

If he does share any of your pictures he can be arrested for it.

It is a crime to upload intimate pictures of someone without their consent.

So whilst you can't reverse the fact he has those pictures unless you're able to access all of his places he may have them saved, you can remind him that if any pictures of you ever turn up online etc that the police will be knocking on his door to arrest him.

LoekMa · 22/09/2022 17:09

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 22/09/2022 17:05

Why are you taking naked photos of yourself? He sounds grim but I don’t understand why you’d share such images.

Why shouldn't OP take naked pics of herself? The issue at hand is she might have shared it with a man who is quite clearly not good news, but why should women be shamed for taking pics of their bodies?

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:10

Hiya. There's no way you can be sure 100% that he's got rid of everything I'm afraid. There's Dropbox, Google, Amazon, Apple and even just usb sticks that he can back anything up on.

I'd tell him you're really upset by it all and it's made you read up about pictures being leaked from hacked accounts and you'd like him to delete any pictures he has of you.

If the worst came to the worst, he can be prosecuted for putting up pictures of you without permission. If he did put pictures up, then -and I know this is cold comfort - remember there are millions and millions of pictures of naked people online and any of you would be a drop in the ocean that you could probably never find if you spent years checking.

One thing to consider is getting his Reddit id and check his post history as it will be all there.

WaveyHair · 22/09/2022 17:11

Watch Netflixs 'the internets most hated man' for a detailed background information on how this works.

Basically you upload so you can download. Disturbingly this is how child porn is also accessed & distributed.

They use telegram as it is harder to track.

browneyes77 · 22/09/2022 17:15

Links for your info OP

revengepornhelpline.org.uk/

www.gov.uk/government/publications/revenge-porn

been and done it. · 22/09/2022 17:17

sunlovingcriminal · 22/09/2022 17:01

Ugh. He sounds like a catch. Do you really like this man?

She's said she is going to break-up with him she just wants to clean her cupboards first ...so clearly she doesn't like him

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:20

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 22/09/2022 17:05

Why are you taking naked photos of yourself? He sounds grim but I don’t understand why you’d share such images.

I don't like it but I've always seen it as the norm and there is so much pressure to send nudes and be not prudish even back in uni (4+ years ago) I just never went against it. Obviously now I feel very differently but it's not like I can turn back time what the hell do you want me to do.

OP posts:
Maymaymay · 22/09/2022 17:20

No there isn't a way unfortunately, get him to show you his icloud as well as his phone storage ? Look at his screenshots incase he has screenshot a nude.

PeterRabbitagain · 22/09/2022 17:21

Can you report this group to the police? It sounds like there will be loads of women unaware their image is being used.

And leave him obviously.

notacooldad · 22/09/2022 17:21

Why shouldn't OP take naked pics of herself?
For the very reason she has posted! The OP is justified in being frightened to death where the pictures end up. Even if boyfriend doesn't post on line there nothing stopping him sharing them with his mates or random blokes or showing them and they take screenshots.
If you dont want that to happen stay covered up while you have your photo took.
It is basic on line safety rule.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:22

FYI, I just looked at a couple of those groups (yeuch). Anyway, they say you need to upload the pictures with a clearly shown note of the date and time and his username and the forum name. I'm assuming he's never taken pictures of you like this, so I don't think it was those types of groups.

It's not nice and I was in a similar situation a few years back. At the time I was really upset about what might or might not happen, but now I think if I ever came across any, I'd get them removed and take action against anyone involved. It's way more likely I'll never find any (and I looked!) and that I should just get on with my life and learn from it.

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:23

He hasn't sent anything yet (he showed me the message he sent as his "entry fee" that was of a link to a reddit post) but I'm afraid he will send something which he says he won't and I don't know if I can trust that that reddit photo is the only one he sent to the group.

OP posts:
dworky · 22/09/2022 17:25

Do you really want to be with someone like this?

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:27

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:23

He hasn't sent anything yet (he showed me the message he sent as his "entry fee" that was of a link to a reddit post) but I'm afraid he will send something which he says he won't and I don't know if I can trust that that reddit photo is the only one he sent to the group.

As I say, if you've seen his Reddit ID, you can see his entire post history (u/Redditname and then "posts"). Check that and if it's clear you're okay. I think the fact he's shown you a post with his ID suggests you probably are.

Cactuslove · 22/09/2022 17:27

I don't think there is a way. But I would try not to worrh too much... what's the point? Thats not being flippant i just think you can't change it. I get super anxious and sometimes I have to tell myself this to be able to even sleep. It could be worse right? Everyone I know under 35 has sent similar at one point or another. Did you cover your face in yours? You're right there is a pressure and it seems its just something that is done these days. Please don't be ashamed though. He's the problem- not you trusting someone you're in a relationship with.

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:27

There are hundreds of these groups online just for the UK and I don't even know the exact one since he's left (he says his is reddit based and they mostly share nudes they find on niche reddit subs) so it's not like I can check.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 22/09/2022 17:29

Okay I've had a quick Google and it depends which country you are in. The law is a lot stricter in Scotland. In England and Wales its against the law to distribute nude pictures with the intent to cause harm/distress . So its about intent rather than action. However if you ask him to delete and he refuses then he cannot upload (so get a dated voice recording of yourself asking or send a text). It also falls under domestic abuse if he refuses so definitely worth speaking to your local police about what you can do.

You say he uploaded a nude from reddit to access the group. Does he know for certain that the woman was over 18? If not he could have distributed child porn which carries a prison sentence. Ask him. I bet the colour will drain from his face because he won't have a fucking clue.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:29

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:27

There are hundreds of these groups online just for the UK and I don't even know the exact one since he's left (he says his is reddit based and they mostly share nudes they find on niche reddit subs) so it's not like I can check.

You can. There are hundreds of sites, but he will only have the one Reddit ID that he uses to post things. Get that and you can look up all his posts on Reddit wherever he made them.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:35

I think cactus love and pixie dust have given you the right answers. Try and ensure he deletes and it's aware you'll prosecute if anything you sent him ever turns up online and then move on and forget about it. Trust me, as the years pass, you worry more about your body not falling apart than you do about it being online.

twoandcooplease · 22/09/2022 17:36

I wouldn't be happy with my DP being in a group chat like that whatsoever
Even using another picture from Reddit to post is grimey as fuck. What a knob