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Original poster

DP's creepy group chats

104 replies

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:00

DP has been very cagey with his phone for the past couple of months. Last night, I looked over while we were sitting on the sofa and saw him scrolling through nudes of various women on a Telegram chat group. This morning, I looked at his phone's notifications and saw lots of messages from said group. Googled and found a post talking about it. I'm pretty sure it's the same group — there are loads of others but this one uses the same phrasing as the title of the one he's in — and apparently to join and remain a member of the group you'd have to upload nudes of women from time to time!

Confronted DP and he said that almost everyone there just shares nudes they see on reddit (what he did) and you "only" have to share photos when you join but I am fucking scared he used ones of me. There are tens of thousands of people in this group and it's UK based ffs. He's left the group but I don't know if he's in others as there's so many similar ones with similar "rules" and it all makes me sick.

Is there a way I can make sure he deletes all my nudes, no backups, none saved in the cloud or something, before I break up with him? He thinks we're ok now and I don't want him to get suspicious.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:37

OK took PP's advice. Checked his reddit id. He's not a poster just comments on a few uk nsfw subs and only fans women personal subs and writes comments like mind if I share it with the boys or some shit. The "entry fee" photo he linked was one posted by this woman as her ad for only fans.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:40

Tens of stupid emoji posts on gone wild posts and then a few back and forth with that woman about how the guys love her photos and he's linked them to her only fans. I sound stupid and crazy now but I'm relieved??

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 22/09/2022 17:40

I think now would be the time to sit down with him and go through all the photos you've shared privately with him before and delete them
It shouldn't be a problem do you think he'd agree to this?
Then if he's still participating in the minging group you have less to worry about?
I'd consider reassessing my relationship after this (a bit ick) but not before knowing the photos are deleted

You should not be victim blamed for sexting your partner before now. That's shocking please don't feel shamed

mangoontoast · 22/09/2022 17:44

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:20

I don't like it but I've always seen it as the norm and there is so much pressure to send nudes and be not prudish even back in uni (4+ years ago) I just never went against it. Obviously now I feel very differently but it's not like I can turn back time what the hell do you want me to do.

Show quote history

I understand why you did it, so not judging, but I hate that this is now expected. Please in future be confident and say no , a man upset that you won't send nudes is not worthy of you anyway.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/09/2022 17:49

I am gobsmacked what some women go along with/put up with- I appreciate we all have different boundaries but I would ditch someone for doing this whilst in a long term relationship -

GreenManalishi · 22/09/2022 17:49

There's no way of making sure he deletes all the photos he has of you, but you could sit down with him calmly and say you'd like to go through and make sure they're deleted, you just don't want them out there any more, you've had a change of heart about nudes.

Before you dump his dusty arse. What a cretin.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:52

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:40

Tens of stupid emoji posts on gone wild posts and then a few back and forth with that woman about how the guys love her photos and he's linked them to her only fans. I sound stupid and crazy now but I'm relieved??

Glad you're relieved and that there's nothing there. You're not stupid or crazy, but have had a wake up call to what could happen in the future, so as others have said, don't share any more pictures. If they are not interested in you for you, then they don't deserve you.

GreenManalishi · 22/09/2022 17:53

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:40

Tens of stupid emoji posts on gone wild posts and then a few back and forth with that woman about how the guys love her photos and he's linked them to her only fans. I sound stupid and crazy now but I'm relieved??

Bear in mind this might be one of many Reddit accounts...

Moggyd · 22/09/2022 17:55

I'm speechless. You don't even seem that bothered. Do you not care that your partner is a misogynist and ogling naked women like they are objects? Is it any wonder these men treat women as they do and have no respect for them. These men can go on to commit crimes against women because we are just a sexual toy for them. God it makes me so angry. You are enabling him by putting up with it. Don't understand why you don't get rid of him.

Floweryflora · 22/09/2022 17:57

God what happened to your boundaries/ you shouldn’t be sending blokes nudes who you don’t 100 percent trust and you obvs don’t know this man well enough not to trust him. If you keep behaving like this then yes you’re going to be all over the internet.

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 17:58

GreenManalishi · 22/09/2022 17:53

Bear in mind this might be one of many Reddit accounts...

Show quote history

It might, but it's pretty unlikely and if she was really worried, she can check time stamps on posts. Most people just have the one ID that's linked to their email account and find switching a pita. I think she's checked enough and is probably okay.

I'd just take it that he's only got the one and that he has been honest on this and then as you say, get the photos deleted and then dump him. What's he even doing looking at other women when he's sat next to one he's dating.

TangoTizer · 22/09/2022 17:59

It’s quite sad reading of how accepting you are of this. Your partner is a creep. And you don’t owe any man a ‘Nude’.

I despair of how young women seem to think they have to be ‘cool girlfriends’ to attract and/or keep a man.

TerryOrange · 22/09/2022 18:01

Crikeyalmighty · 22/09/2022 17:49

I am gobsmacked what some women go along with/put up with- I appreciate we all have different boundaries but I would ditch someone for doing this whilst in a long term relationship -

Agree with this.

OP, get a hold of yourself and dump the douche

TerryOrange · 22/09/2022 18:02

TangoTizer · 22/09/2022 17:59

It’s quite sad reading of how accepting you are of this. Your partner is a creep. And you don’t owe any man a ‘Nude’.

I despair of how young women seem to think they have to be ‘cool girlfriends’ to attract and/or keep a man.

Another great post .

Your DP is a creep and you would be an idiot to stay

picklemewalnuts · 22/09/2022 18:02

See, I've come to recognise all this as predatory behaviour.

Men who do this are predators.
Just like Wayne Cousens was, before his offended scaled up.

IsThePopeCatholic · 22/09/2022 18:04

Why are you with this man, op? You don’t trust him, so what’s the point?

notacooldad · 22/09/2022 18:19

Being posted nude on line isn't the only thing I would be worried about tbh.
I would just be as bothered of him showing to his mates in a drunken bravado state and them screenshoting it. It happens a lot.

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 18:23

He's given me his phone and I've deleted my pictures. His phone also has screenshots from the chats including the group name when he wanted to save the reddit links and I've confirmed and that I misread the situation by working myself up over googling and his was a reddit nsfw link sharing group, not a personal one.

Re boundaries, where exactly is the line? When I was in uni, guys scrolled through nudes casually during class like its Instagram, so many female classmates I know were on only fans, almost every "fun" social group on WhatsApp or telegram or discord were full of links to nudes on reddit etc. I have a line but reasonably every single guy I know crosses it so what's the fucking point.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 18:24

mangoontoast · 22/09/2022 17:44

I understand why you did it, so not judging, but I hate that this is now expected. Please in future be confident and say no , a man upset that you won't send nudes is not worthy of you anyway.

Show quote history

I'm sorry my post sounds harsh but I'm just angry now.

OP posts:
outtheshowernow · 22/09/2022 18:27

Get his phone while his asleep and go through deleting stuff that's of you

Ohjustboreoff · 22/09/2022 18:34

@SinkingFeelingInMyStomach when you deleted the pictures from him phone did you go into the deleted picture file and delete from there too? Also if it's a smart phone he might have an external cloud storage. You'll have to check that too.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 22/09/2022 18:35

You ask, Re boundaries, where exactly is the line?

The line is where you don't feel comfortable with something. You've realised now that this bloke could share your nude images anywhere he chooses to share them. So take the power back and don't share nudes with him.

Moving forward, before you share anything online - would you want it to be shared across the internet? If not. Don't send it. Who cares what is 'expected'. Or that 'everyone is doing it'. For you it's a line that you won't cross. Any bloke who pressures you to send nudes when you've made it clear that it's not your thing can take a running jump.

I always say - if you wouldn't want your dad to see it. Don't put it online.

Ohjustboreoff · 22/09/2022 18:35

I tell my kids don't send anything over the internet you wouldn't want your parent and the whole world to see or read.

JellyJaba · 22/09/2022 18:37

Only men could think of such a disgusting group and only men would want to be part of it. Throw him and his phone in the bin

pinkyredrose · 22/09/2022 18:42

OP can you get his phone again and check any cloud storage ? My phone automatically uploads media to Google Photos and Amazon Photos, they'll still be there if i delete pics off my phone. Also you need to look at his files to check for hidden folders.