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Original poster

DP's creepy group chats

104 replies

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 17:00

DP has been very cagey with his phone for the past couple of months. Last night, I looked over while we were sitting on the sofa and saw him scrolling through nudes of various women on a Telegram chat group. This morning, I looked at his phone's notifications and saw lots of messages from said group. Googled and found a post talking about it. I'm pretty sure it's the same group — there are loads of others but this one uses the same phrasing as the title of the one he's in — and apparently to join and remain a member of the group you'd have to upload nudes of women from time to time!

Confronted DP and he said that almost everyone there just shares nudes they see on reddit (what he did) and you "only" have to share photos when you join but I am fucking scared he used ones of me. There are tens of thousands of people in this group and it's UK based ffs. He's left the group but I don't know if he's in others as there's so many similar ones with similar "rules" and it all makes me sick.

Is there a way I can make sure he deletes all my nudes, no backups, none saved in the cloud or something, before I break up with him? He thinks we're ok now and I don't want him to get suspicious.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 18:44

Pretty sure my nudes are all gone now at least as the timeline was him coming home > phone on charging pad > sitting down in front of the tv > confronting him > him showing me him leaving the group > phone immediately back on charging pad untouched until he passed it to me to delete > now phone is back on charging pad untouched. He also has no laptop only his phone, and I checked photos, cleared the bin, google photos last upload was years ago and there's nothing in there, no suspicious account in his saved passwords on browser and in the password app, no alternate reddit id in his reddit app.

Frankly too there are so many screenshotted or saved reddit nudes on his phone in a stupid way it sets my mind at ease as it's less likely that my faceless ones are "special".

Won't be sharing photos with anyone ever again and probably won't be dating ever again either.

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 22/09/2022 18:52

I feel for you OP, it's been a hard lesson for you but hopefully you and anyone else reading this will take something feon

Whatabambam · 22/09/2022 18:55

Sorry, posted too soon. 'Take something from this', is what I wanted to type. Please don't assume that all men are like this because they aren't. I couldn't be with someone who thought so poorly of women and who so clearly objectifies them. His overall behaviour is really seedy.

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 19:02

pinkyredrose · 22/09/2022 18:42

OP can you get his phone again and check any cloud storage ? My phone automatically uploads media to Google Photos and Amazon Photos, they'll still be there if i delete pics off my phone. Also you need to look at his files to check for hidden folders.

No auto uploads to google photos, he's never used amazon photos. Just picked his phone up from the table (I was the last to touch it) to check his files and the hidden file app that comes with the phone, nothing there. I now can do whatever I want with his phone (his words) till he needs it tomorrow for work. He hasn't touched it after me confronting him aside from him showing me him leaving the group so should be safe.

He says that he'd never share my photos and that everything is just based around women from reddit and only fans which apparently is ok as they uploaded these photos themselves you cannot make this shit up.

OP posts:
magma32 · 22/09/2022 19:02

I’m sorry OP this must be very worrying but if he’s sent anything there’s not much you can do now so please don’t worry, easy for me to say I know but it would be a v small world if you were recognised on there. If you come across evidence he’s done it I would go straight to the police though. And definitely break up with him after -I’m worried about that fact you think he’s capable of doing this without your consent.

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 19:05

I feel like I'm pathetic now because I spent the afternoon working myself up googling these groups, reading stories, scrolling through reddit, that now I'm relieved and almost happy ??????? that the group is just for reddit nudes and not one of those where they have to share personal nudes to "enter". Says a lot about me doesn't it.

OP posts:
Melrose1964 · 22/09/2022 19:09

Is it that l*mplovers group? They have a Telegram too, I’m at the gym with a group of police officers who are all over it. It’s all meant in good fun by the look of it but it’s just not great optics is it?

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 19:15

No. I won't go into details but it's the one where they "discover" new uk women on reddit who have links to OF in their posts or account profile.

OP posts:
Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 19:16

That, or reddit users who are "new" and uploading on the various nsfw subs.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 22/09/2022 19:28

Watch the BBC panorama programme on this and then decide what you want to do

Butterbean9 · 22/09/2022 19:29

My line would be when he shows himself tombe a disgusting misogynist who thinks women are prices of meat.
You felt relieved that he has multiple photos of other naked women on his phone, like that's normal. Do you think all those women know their pictures are being shared in a circle jerk group of pathetic men?

PuddlesOnFire · 22/09/2022 19:45

OP, you are not in any way pathetic. The only person that is pathetic is your partner for looking at porn, especially when they're sat next to you. Sure guys and women look at porn, but doing it in a relationship is disrespectful and can lead to all sorts of problems for the relationship.

I think you handled this well, better than I would have, and you should be proud of yourself. Talking of being proud of yourself, his addiction is not on you. His porn addiction is his alone. It's his failing.

What you decide to do about his looking at porn (and no, not all guys look at it, especially not in relationships), is up to you and you alone. I'm glad you are happier about the situation with the nudes and I hope wherever l life takes you, you learn from this and find happiness in yourself. Take care.

Cactuslove · 22/09/2022 19:51

SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 19:05

I feel like I'm pathetic now because I spent the afternoon working myself up googling these groups, reading stories, scrolling through reddit, that now I'm relieved and almost happy ??????? that the group is just for reddit nudes and not one of those where they have to share personal nudes to "enter". Says a lot about me doesn't it.

You're the opposite. You're strong and you do have boundaries. You saw something you didn't like, you made sure to limit the impact on yourself and you're getting rid of him (I think some posters have missed this in your op). You trusted him and now you know you shouldn't have. That's OK. Lots of people go through this in relationships- again you've done nothing wrong. In future don't feel forced to send anything but if you do want to in a trusting relationship that's not wrong either. You do what you are comfortable with fully understanding all the possible consequences. Hats off to you OP I think you handled this really well.

spicysoup · 22/09/2022 19:53

Gross 🤮. What a horrible man. I'm so sorry you are in a relationship with him.

Coffeetree · 22/09/2022 19:55

browneyes77 · 22/09/2022 17:08

If he does share any of your pictures he can be arrested for it.

It is a crime to upload intimate pictures of someone without their consent.

So whilst you can't reverse the fact he has those pictures unless you're able to access all of his places he may have them saved, you can remind him that if any pictures of you ever turn up online etc that the police will be knocking on his door to arrest him.

Yes, this!

Sirius3030 · 22/09/2022 20:05

JellyJaba · 22/09/2022 18:37

Only men could think of such a disgusting group and only men would want to be part of it. Throw him and his phone in the bin

You are right of course. But here’s a thought: they are half the human race…. If they think it is OK, then the human race is disgusting, right? Or is it just sort of what people do, as the OP suggested?

Maytodecember · 22/09/2022 20:06

Ok, you can’t turn back time.
He could have images of you stored so you really need to see him delete everything, even cloud storage but I’m not sure he couldn’t recover them later.
You could put in writing to him that you forbid distribution, storage or any use personal or otherwise of pictures of you. If he later does anything with them then I think that counts as revenge porn, a criminal offence. Sorry, can’t think of anything else but do LTB.

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 20:12

Butterbean9 · 22/09/2022 19:29

My line would be when he shows himself tombe a disgusting misogynist who thinks women are prices of meat.
You felt relieved that he has multiple photos of other naked women on his phone, like that's normal. Do you think all those women know their pictures are being shared in a circle jerk group of pathetic men?

It's not normal but after spending the entire day working myself up worrying and nearly vomiting at the thought that it was one of those personal photo groups (even in my first post I didn't even think to search his reddit username and from there find out exactly what the group was about), yes I am relieved that the group and his photos were of women who posted on reddit with links to their only fans accounts.

OP posts:
Whyyes · 22/09/2022 20:20

Disgusting and degrading

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 20:25

I'm sure someone will be here to call me controlling, toxic etc but for now he's given me his phone for the night (he hasn't had a moment alone with it since I confronted him and this is his only device) and I will be spending it looking for any trace of my nudes.

So far I have

  • checked photos
  • google photos
  • hidden files
  • files
  • passwords on browser for suspicious sites
  • passwords in password app for suspicious sites
  • reddit accounts including alternate usernames
  • all the chat apps
  • deleted his backups (I asked first) and backed it up again with my deleted photos

Anything else?

The stupid part is now I'm thinking he's not that bad a guy because I doubt many will let me do all these stuff. I'm still disgusted and can't look at him but how accepting of this should I be since it's "only" reddit and only fans and these photos are supposed to be uploaded by the women themselves and people in that chat are (according to his screenshots when he wanted to save links) writing things like "subbed" and "followed" when an only fans account was linked?

In uni you got called a SWerf if you were against only fans or your people subbing to them but surely it doesn't feel "good" for many women to see this on their partner's phones? How much of it is one of those "in 20 years you'd be appalled by the -ism you had"? It all feels like shit.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 22/09/2022 20:26

What a creep. He was found out now but what next?

roarfeckingroarr · 22/09/2022 20:29

I couldn't be with a man like that's - no respect for women

LadyWithLapdog · 22/09/2022 20:30

Don’t minimise it, OP. It really, really isn’t “normal” to think so little of women. Just get rid of the creep.

Original poster
SinkingFeelingInMyStomach · 22/09/2022 20:34

I am almost a 100% sure that he won't share my nudes now that I am calmer and know more about the nature of the group but am checking for my peace of mind. Also checked the App Store purchase history and no apps on there that I don't recognise or haven't gone through. No other accounts on the phone too.

After this though I'm done. Even on his part after someone goes through your phone like that it's pretty much done.

OP posts:
Gotmynewshoes · 22/09/2022 20:34

Check for vault apps? If you want peace of mind. But he's either very good at hiding or isn't going to upload anything.

Why should anyone be happy when they find out their partner objectifies women? Talk to him about boundaries, what yours really are and not what others have bullied you into believing you should have. And see if he's accepting of them. If not, then ditch as this is only the beginning and you'll end up feeling worse with your self esteem/belief taking a battering.