I cancelled our holiday last minute because of this “joke” - did I overreact?

[Liqouriceglaze]

I’ve been dating this guy for 5ish months. We met through work.

We see each other regularly and I’ve met his friends. He suggested we go on holiday a few weeks back and we’re meant to be going this Friday.

In the past he’s made “jokes” about other women being interested in him that we work with - just stupid stuff as well like his brother is coming to visit him to see what tinder is like where we live I told him he it was immature and stupid and he stopped doing it.

then the other night he was at my house. After we’d had sex I said something along the lines of how long it has been since I last had sex (as we’ve not seen each other for a week). He replied

him: “I had sex yesterday”
me: “oh right. Who with?”
him: “myself”

I literally couldn’t believe it, like what the fuck. I asked him to leave and he just said he was joking and he hasn’t been with anyone else. I still asked him to leave and text him saying I don’t want to go on holiday anymore. He keeps texting me saying it was a joke, he was telling me he’d had a wank and that’s it.

one friend told me if he was actually sleeping with someone else he wouldn’t risk making jokes about it & it sounds as if he’s trying to get a raise out of me.

im not too sure what to do really - I do like him, but I am insecure and the “jokes” don’t help. I feel awful that he’s lost all the holiday money, but I just feel like how can I go if I have even a slight suspicion he’s cheated??

But I get that maybe I was a bit OTT

It’s hardly because I wasn’t getting the replies I wanted. It was contextualising something which I realised after I’d written probably seemed like a total non-issue.

A PP mentioned that they joked with their husband when answering the phone to him out of breath. That on its own, with no other reasons for lack of trust, wouldn’t have got the same reaction from me.

however, I don’t think grown men in their late 20s making wanking jokes are particularly attractive.

I hope he can go on the holiday alone given you're not going. You had no right to cancel the holiday simply because you changed your mind.

We, yes she has every right to cancel. What a weird reply.

*Er, not we!

People have no right to change their mind, based on how they are treated? I should have just stayed quiet and gone?

@Pineappleskies she had every right to do whatever she wants regarding the holiday what a ridiculous statement

@Liqouriceglaze that's not what @Pineappleskies was saying, she is saying you don't have to go, but your ex may have wanted to go alone, so you should have discussed cancelling or seeing if he wanted to pay and go on the holiday. Assuming you'd lose your deposit and he paid half of this, it would be his choice to reimburse you and go or indeed cancel.

I wouldn’t like him either. Bleurgh

This isnt about the initial lame joke then I'd it? It's a culmination of things.

He sounds very childish with a juvenile/crap sense of humour and is possibly shagging other people (I wouldn't for one minute believe the condom/posh wank comment).

You obviously find him extremely irritating and don't really trust him (and he isn't doing anything to quell your fears). Life's too short - dump his arse!

I expect the poster knows what she meant, but anyway

He paid and booked the holiday. I said I wasn’t going. I then send half the money because I felt bad.

he didn’t have to cancel it, I meant I effectively “cancelled” our holiday because I didn’t want to go with him.

I don't think you over reacted at all OP.

Given the context of the other stuff he comes out with. And saying that after just having had sex with you was something only a massive twat would do.

In fact, I think you standing your ground about not going on the holiday is very admirable considering what you've been putting up with.

You have found the thing that has finally made you say 'sod that, he can now fuck off'.
And so off he can fuck to his little scottish cottage with his entourage of all these women who are apparntly after him (which incidently, there are none).

Don't give a second thought to the money he spent. He didn't give a second thought to how you'd feel with all his shittiness.

Good on you. Now stick to it!
And continue sticking to it with anyone else you meet in the future.

You are enough, You deserve to be treated with respect, You are important.
Rinse and repeat.

He sounds like a moron.

You are well rid.

His attempt at humour is tedious.

I suggest you do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

It might help you feel more confident with your boundaries.

I may be old fashioned but "messing around where you eat" ie., having relationships with colleagues is really not a great idea.

It can be messy.

Unless the 'with myself' felt like an add-on then you're bring unfair.

But maybe he makes you feel insecure with all these ìnnapropriate convos about ladies from work and tinder. Maybe these 'jokes' are to make your spidey senses tingle and set you up to 'overreact'.

We weren't there. But for some reason you àre jumping to him being a cheat. Either that's because your instincts are telling you that's the case (perhaps because he keeps "jokingly' hinting at it) or because Of some personal insecurity. You know better which it would be.

Hard to explain without conversational cues, but basically (probably slightly cringey but here it goes).

We were cuddling up after having sex, he said something about how good it was after a stressful day, I said “it’s been a stressful week for me… 6 days without sex feels like ages”

he said “I had sex yesterday”. Nothing was said for a minute or two. I pulled away from him and lay on my side of the bed.

I then said “oh right/really, who with?”

he then said, with no hint of laughter or whatever “myself”.

silence again after he’d finished his “joke”

Having seen your updates he is definately setting you up to paint you as insecure/paranoid. You were wise to bin. I'd drop all contact if possible. And stick to the narrative that it's because you find there is a difference in maturity levels between you (should he or anyone ask). Because otherwise he will tell other people that you were paranoid and didn't trust him. That's what his kind do.

Why the drip feed? Obviously from your later post, dump him, not sure why you didn’t already.

How can you explain ‘doesn’t drink for religious reasons’ yet is fine with acting like a horny little terrier? 😄

Suppose it’s hard to walk away at the first red flag when you work with someone because you see them nearly everyday. Definitely understand the phrase don’t shit where you eat now.

I can’t explain why he picks and chooses aspects of his religion to follow. It’s not that unusual though

I think you have done yourself a massive favour OP. I do hope that you never go out with anyone remotely like him in the future...

The joke in isolation wasn't a big deal.

Combined with the updates, he sounds a sleazebag.

Get rid.

Nothing wrong with his joke on its own @Liqouriceglaze except it's a bit naff. But all the other stuff is untrustworthy and dirty, so I would bin.

The joke is quite lame in itself but it sounds like the last in a long line of sleazy and irritating behaviour and you had enough. (Incidentally the further info about how he told the joke makes it seem much nastier, that he let you believe for a couple of minutes that he'd been unfaithful before his 'hilarious" riposte.)

Though perhaps he has. The empty condom wrapper is the worst thing and I'm never very convinced by this posh wank excuse.

Not your problem though. Good call dumping him.

Urgh, he sounds hideous.

Fuck the holiday, I would have thrown money at him just to make him go away.

One thing, though, OP: I really, REALLY wouldn't recommend seeing people you work with, because shit like this happens and then you have to work with them. Cast your net wider.

I’ve not spoken to him since this happened, bar replying to his messages asking if I was still going away with him (he actually said “rearranged stuff with my brother, I can get you at 6pm”) to say no, I’m still not going on the holiday, thanks though.

I’ve managed to largely blank him in work which has led to some pretty awkward moments of him calling my name down the corridor and doing a jog towards me when I left my seat to go to the toilet to ask if we can “talk”

The 'sex with myself' joke was exactly that, a joke. It's the sort of thing I'd say and find funny.

The other stuff just sounds weird. Not texting you for days on end, empty condom wrappers - almost like he wants you to end things. Good that you have.