I cancelled our holiday last minute because of this “joke” - did I overreact?

[Liqouriceglaze]

I’ve been dating this guy for 5ish months. We met through work.

We see each other regularly and I’ve met his friends. He suggested we go on holiday a few weeks back and we’re meant to be going this Friday.

In the past he’s made “jokes” about other women being interested in him that we work with - just stupid stuff as well like his brother is coming to visit him to see what tinder is like where we live I told him he it was immature and stupid and he stopped doing it.

then the other night he was at my house. After we’d had sex I said something along the lines of how long it has been since I last had sex (as we’ve not seen each other for a week). He replied

him: “I had sex yesterday”
me: “oh right. Who with?”
him: “myself”

I literally couldn’t believe it, like what the fuck. I asked him to leave and he just said he was joking and he hasn’t been with anyone else. I still asked him to leave and text him saying I don’t want to go on holiday anymore. He keeps texting me saying it was a joke, he was telling me he’d had a wank and that’s it.

one friend told me if he was actually sleeping with someone else he wouldn’t risk making jokes about it & it sounds as if he’s trying to get a raise out of me.

im not too sure what to do really - I do like him, but I am insecure and the “jokes” don’t help. I feel awful that he’s lost all the holiday money, but I just feel like how can I go if I have even a slight suspicion he’s cheated??

Because I just wanted to know what people thought of this specific event. I’ve been called nuts by a lot of different men, and just wondered if anyone else would have found the specific joke he made to be weird.

But the background info you've added completely changes the context. You said he stopped making his jokes when you asked (I told him he it was immature and stupid and he stopped doing it) but then you said he was making "texting my girls on tinder" jokes LAST WEEK. And the "posh wank" business sounds like he's making fun of you/seeing how far he can push you.

If the relationship is supposed to be monogamous a condom wrapper in his drawer is a huge issue; if there IS a legit explanation he should be coming out with it right away rather than massively taking the piss. Your reacting to his stupid "sex with myself" comment as more evidence of cheating rather than as a set-up to his typical stupid sex jokes is completely logical when you've just found out two weeks ago that he almost certainly IS cheating.

Sounds like he fancies himself still as'a bit of a lad' and you are way beyond that.

So, one of the following applies:

His sense of humour consists of continually joking about cheating on you. I mean, who doesn't find infidelity hilarious?

Or

He says these things to get a reaction/guage your reaction. He's done it enough times to know you don't like it. But he continues. So he enjoys upsetting you?

Or

He's actually cheating and hiding it in in plain sight.

He's hardly a catch. Is he? I don't think I'd be going on holiday (or anywhere else) with this man either.

OP - 'Did I overreact?'

Everyone - 'yes! Massively!'

OP - 'but he did A/B/C/D/E and F as well'

Everyone - 'FFS'

This kind of drip feeding crap really irritates. You have posted in relationships where you can often get good advice but I honestly just cba now. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

You should have already dumped him for all of the other crap. Your standards are way too low. He’s obviously an idiot from the sorts of ‘jokes’ he makes and he’s rude and dismissive as shown by his actions.

But your reaction to that (very stupid and juvenile) joke was ridiculous.

In future don’t hang on to crappy men. Just cut them loose when they first start being crappy.

The SM issue and condom wrappers are cheating. The crappy joke is not. But I’m not sure the SM and condom things are true…

it started as a condom wrapper, then became plural. Why on earth ask about the nothing comment if you have these huge rad flags already.

i think his wank joke was part of a bigger picture where it is a part of who he is to keep you on the back foot, make you insecure.

I don’t blame you for dumping him, he sounds like a bit of a jerk.

Agreed.

He sounds unpleasant, OP, and you need to work on your self-esteem. Let him go to the Scottish cottage on his own or with one of his seemingly many friends, and dump him.

Don't date men who call you 'nuts' btw. Top tip.

He's a manchild. You can do better.

He sounds like a twat.
I would never have booked a holiday with that twat in the first place.

Sounds like a huge overreaction to me.

DH was working lates last night... he phoned me at 11pm, I raced up the stairs two at a time to get the handset and was noticibly out of breath/flustered when I answered.

He asked what I was doing and I said something like oh sorry, was just climbing off my fancy man, we're finished now though.

I don't think I'm going to win any awards for comedy but it was just a silly thing to say/banter, DH chuckled and that was that.

I could tell from your OP there would be more so some posters are enjoying being arseholes I reckon, but in future tolerate much less (none!) of this crap.

He sounds awful.

The original 'joke' in your opening post isn't a sign he's into other girls, and that unit's own would have been a mad overreaction. The other stuff you've mentioned would annoy me way more, and makes sense of why you reacted the way you did. I think it's good you ditched him. You two are not compatible at all.

Do you work together?

@FruitPastilleNut So you leave used condoms wrappers around too, and go on holiday with your friends and don’t get in contact with your DH for days? And are secretive with your social media and don’t let your husband see what you’re up to?

Not a great way to conduct a marriage.

Or perhaps you just focused on the joke and ignored all the other toxic things the OP’s bf is doing

Yes, we work together

Your second post puts his "joke" in an entirely different light. The first time any of this happened was when you should've walked away.

You're too good to accept this kind of treatment. You realized this and acted on it.
Good for you!

Also, please get another STI screen. Yesterday.

He sounds like a childish prick.

You can do better than this. Leave him to his non-existent Tinder babes and posh wanks.

Call me cynical, but there are a load of freshers huddled over a PC in (insert coffee shop) making this up as they go along. IMO

Not plural, just the one condom wrapper. But one too many imo.

I don’t have good judgement, and I usually let things slide and seem like I’m overreacting off the smallest thing because I don’t react sooner. I find relationships with men exhausting

I’ve named changed. It’s not a wind up.

There you go. Its not just a different sense of humour, its him constantly undermining your confidence and self esteem. Dump him and don't look back.

Also go get another sti check. I wouldn't trust that his wasn't a fake.

@FruitPastilleNut So you leave used condoms wrappers around too, and go on holiday with your friends and don’t get in contact with your DH for days? And are secretive with your social media and don’t let your husband see what you’re up to? Not a great way to conduct a marriage. Or perhaps you just focused on the joke and ignored all the other toxic things the OP’s bf is doing Hmm

🙄
@ToFindNewWays I replied to the op, which was about the joke. I now see there's been a massive drip feed of further information...probably because the op wasn't getting the replies she wanted, it's usually the way it goes.

No need for quite such a confrontational/angry post from you though. Maybe try a few deep breaths before smashing away at your keyboard.

@FruitPastilleNut Lol ok. I do take your point! It’s just a bit irritating sometimes when someone doesn’t read the relevant info and wades in with their insights based on one little bit.