What’s fair | Mumsnet

Junepar · 2022-09-20T16:05:44+00:00

My boyfriend has his own house (with mortgage) and I private rent. He’s ended up slowly migrating to basically living at mine what’s fair if he’s living at mine when it comes to bills? I’ve asked for contribution towards food and a contribution towards gas and electric his house is basically lying empty. I have 2 children from a previous marriage so that’s why he’s basically moved into mine do you think this is fair?

DatingDinosaur · 20/09/2022 17:18

Is that what you want? Him to move in with you? Have you had a discussion about living together?

If yes then it’s fair to ask for a contribution to household stuff. If no then ask him to slowly migrate back to his own house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 17:21

Beware anyone who moves in by stealth. That’s no way to behave when you have children in the house.

People tend to have proper sit down conversations about stuff like this inc finances, housework division, expectations and boundaries. You don’t do it blindly for convenience. It’s a big deal who lives in your DC’s home.

Backtonormalnow · 20/09/2022 17:22

Do you think he is not going to pay his share?

Eatingjumper · 20/09/2022 17:24

How can you have someone move into a house you share with your children without it being an ongoing and official conversation. This is mind boggling to me. But of course if he moves into your rented house he should be paying a contribution to both rent and bills. I assume he will rent out his owned property, and if he doesn't that's his own silly mistake.

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 17:37

Has he offered to pay his share? If he's not raised the issue, don't let him stay. 'Fair' isn't on his mind; freeloading is. I don't pop round to a friend's house for a meal without offering to bring pudding or offering to wash up.

Does he help with household chores when he stays with you?

Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:43

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 17:21

Beware anyone who moves in by stealth. That’s no way to behave when you have children in the house.

People tend to have proper sit down conversations about stuff like this inc finances, housework division, expectations and boundaries. You don’t do it blindly for convenience. It’s a big deal who lives in your DC’s home.

I agree. I’m also starting to feel suffocated and just want my house back

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Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:44

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 17:37

Has he offered to pay his share? If he's not raised the issue, don't let him stay. 'Fair' isn't on his mind; freeloading is. I don't pop round to a friend's house for a meal without offering to bring pudding or offering to wash up.

Does he help with household chores when he stays with you?

he contributes to food, but I had to ask him to contribute to gas and electric. He said “I’ve still got to pay all the bills at my house even though I’m not there”

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Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:46

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 17:37

Has he offered to pay his share? If he's not raised the issue, don't let him stay. 'Fair' isn't on his mind; freeloading is. I don't pop round to a friend's house for a meal without offering to bring pudding or offering to wash up.

Does he help with household chores when he stays with you?

He does help with chores, but I’ve subtlety said maybe he should “live” at his and stay at mine maybe 2/3 times a week? Which he will do for a week then start making excuses such as oh I’m passing yours anyway shall I not just stay tonight

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OrlandointheWilderness · 20/09/2022 17:48

How much is he at yours? It's not so much the rent as extra water and electric!!

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 20/09/2022 17:50

You should sit him down & have a proper chat with him as he is sounding like a cheeky bugger!
Food contribution is good but he's using your electric, gas & water & should be at least contributing to that.
Half would be fair & something towards the rent too in fact he should be paying half of that too!

GiantTortoise · 20/09/2022 17:50

Not offering to contribute to bills is a bit cheeky. If he's at yours then he's not heating his house, using the cooker or the hot water etc so it's not quite right to say he still has to pay the bills at his house. Did you pick him up on that?

More importantly, if you don't want him to move in, it's rude of him to ignore your request that he comes less often. He needs to respect your boundaries.

britneyisfree · 20/09/2022 17:51

Tell him to go back home everyday then. How dare he!

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 17:51

Yeah, he's freeloading. Why does he think his bills at home make any difference to the fact he's using resources at yours? Why do his bills at home mean that you need to sub him?

He's not responsible. I'd be telling him that unless he's willing to contribute for what he uses, he can move home permanently.

OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 17:53

He's using your heat and electric, likely more food than you would. Your money is for you and your kids not this sneaky cocklodger.
Bin him or be very firm and tell him no to staying whenever he likes, hope he hasn't got a key.

Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:59

OrlandointheWilderness · 20/09/2022 17:48

How much is he at yours? It's not so much the rent as extra water and electric!!

He’s not stayed at his for a whole month now and even then it was just for one night when I said I really could just do with a night by myself 🫣

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Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 18:07

He's got no respect for you, OP. Stay with him at your peril.

Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:13

I also found out a few days ago I’ve just been left a sum of money by ways of inheritance (enough to buy a house) so I need to do something pronto

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Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:18

OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 17:53

He's using your heat and electric, likely more food than you would. Your money is for you and your kids not this sneaky cocklodger.
Bin him or be very firm and tell him no to staying whenever he likes, hope he hasn't got a key.

I agree, he’s also pretty well paid I earn about half of what he does

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Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:19

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 17:51

Yeah, he's freeloading. Why does he think his bills at home make any difference to the fact he's using resources at yours? Why do his bills at home mean that you need to sub him?

He's not responsible. I'd be telling him that unless he's willing to contribute for what he uses, he can move home permanently.

Those were my thoughts exactly!

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Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:20

has anyone got advice for the inheritance thing and me buying a house? Shall I just say that he’s not going to be living there too, how is the right way to say it to him? I want to set it from the start

god I feel awful and feel like I’ve totally fucked up,

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Eatingjumper · 20/09/2022 18:21

The fact that you are not able to have an honest and open conversation about this, and in fact, can't even say to him that he needs to go back to his own flat for a few nights to give you time with your children......it speaks volumes. Don't hitch your wagon to this man, OP. Don't do it.

Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:23

Eatingjumper · 20/09/2022 18:21

The fact that you are not able to have an honest and open conversation about this, and in fact, can't even say to him that he needs to go back to his own flat for a few nights to give you time with your children......it speaks volumes. Don't hitch your wagon to this man, OP. Don't do it.

I should be able to say it shouldn’t I?? Like why am I finding this so difficult, why am I not stronger to just say how I feel 😓

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Sandra1984 · 20/09/2022 18:24

It’s only fair if he pays half of the rent and the bills, otherwise he’s a cocklodger.

Homewardbound2022 · 20/09/2022 18:29

Have you shared your inheritance news with him?

Original poster

Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:31

Homewardbound2022 · 20/09/2022 18:29

Have you shared your inheritance news with him?

No not yet, would you mention it now or shall I leave it for now?

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