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Original poster

What’s fair

91 replies

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:05

My boyfriend has his own house (with mortgage) and I private rent. He’s ended up slowly migrating to basically living at mine

what’s fair if he’s living at mine when it comes to bills? I’ve asked for contribution towards food and a contribution towards gas and electric

his house is basically lying empty. I have 2 children from a previous marriage so that’s why he’s basically moved into mine

do you think this is fair?

OP posts:
JenJones5 · 20/09/2022 18:35

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:43

I agree. I’m also starting to feel suffocated and just want my house back

Show quote history

Then this is what you need to discuss, not how much he should be paying you. You’re both adults, so just sit down and discuss how you want / need things to work.

Eatingjumper · 20/09/2022 18:35

Don't mention it at all!!!!!

Backtonormalnow · 20/09/2022 18:35

Do you actually want to be with him at all? You don’t sound very keen.

Homewardbound2022 · 20/09/2022 18:41

Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:31

No not yet, would you mention it now or shall I leave it for now?

Show quote history

I'm glad you haven't. Best keep it that way. It is none of his business.
Best of luck with the decisions you make.

katieg03 · 20/09/2022 18:43

Even if he contributed to your bills you'd feel even more suffocated him officially moving in I think..don't mention the money at all..protect yourself financially and your kids..easier said than done but aside from the living arrangements are you sure you see a future with him?

Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:46

Backtonormalnow · 20/09/2022 18:35

Do you actually want to be with him at all? You don’t sound very keen.

Well for quite a while we were dating and I was just seeing him at the weekend and I was really enjoying that then I think I’ve just let things slide and kind of don’t want to be where I’m at now, I feel like I’ve let it move to fast

I know I’m an adult so it’s been poor judgement as now I feel it’s gone to far to reverse it, I’ve thought about just ending it a few times

OP posts:
Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:49

katieg03 · 20/09/2022 18:43

Even if he contributed to your bills you'd feel even more suffocated him officially moving in I think..don't mention the money at all..protect yourself financially and your kids..easier said than done but aside from the living arrangements are you sure you see a future with him?

Im starting to question the future, surely I would be excited about the prospect of being able to buy a house and living together properly but I don’t feel like that, I have an awful feeling he will just say “great I will rent mine out when you buy a house”

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 20/09/2022 19:02

Don't mention your inheritance and dump him.
You don't sound happy.

pastypirate · 20/09/2022 19:03

He's Greek oi axed until he's given you the ick so you have gone off him. Quite rightly.

Get shot of the lazy fucker and buy a house with your kids. You will be happy x

Watchkeys · 20/09/2022 19:03

Dont have a go at yourself, though. You were in a situation you liked with a guy you liked, and the situation has changed due to him moving the goalposts and you letting things be. It's got to a stage now where you don't feel ok about it, so you're going to take action. Nothing to reprimand yourself for, there.

So, are you going to stay with him? Given that you've accepted he doesn't respect you? I think I'd be saying 'I've asked you before about contributing/going home, and it seems you've ignored my wishes, so on the basis of that, I don't feel that this relationship will meet my needs.'

He's a freeloader: do not tell him about your inheritance. There's no reason for him to know, and he'll likely use it as all the more reason not to contribute. He'll probably expect better food and to have the heating on more, now that you've got some cash.

Stag82 · 20/09/2022 19:08

I’d be really concerned if someone moved in by stealth… I’d want to have discussed an approach to family life, finances and equitable distribution of the chores.

i think you need to have a really honest conversation starting with it feels like you’ve moved in but I haven’t agreed to it and im
not comfortable with it!

pastypirate · 20/09/2022 19:08

pastypirate · 20/09/2022 19:03

He's Greek oi axed until he's given you the ick so you have gone off him. Quite rightly.

Get shot of the lazy fucker and buy a house with your kids. You will be happy x

Typo. He's freeloaded until...

RaininSummer · 20/09/2022 19:16

Tell him you feel it's moved too soon and if he moved back to his maybe you can date again (if that's what you want). Otherwise. Break up with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 19:21

Don’t tell him about the inheritance, he’ll probably propose! And you seem to have lost your backbone so you’ll probably accept!

Seriously though, I’d break up with him. You’re feeling suffocated and he doesn’t seem to care. The money you’re using to subsidise him is money you’re taking away from yourself and your children. He’s taking the piss and for some reason you don’t seem able to stop him or stick up for yourself. A bad sign.

Wherearemymarbles · 20/09/2022 19:22

Dont mention the inheritance at all.
i think you must be honest and say you dont like hom being there 7 days a week and you are not ready to live together. If and when you do you expect bills and food to be split 50/50

Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 19:25

RaininSummer · 20/09/2022 19:16

Tell him you feel it's moved too soon and if he moved back to his maybe you can date again (if that's what you want). Otherwise. Break up with him.

This is exactly what im going to do ❤️

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 20/09/2022 19:26

Before you even mentioned the inheritance or that you weren't that happy i'd come to the conclusion that here was another cocklodger in waiting, who has moved in by stealth when there are children living there !!!
and who doesn't for one second think they should pay half the bills when they're there.

Such a red flag.
Dump him,
Buy a lovely house with your inheritance which is security for you and your children and don't let any cheapskate boyfriend spoil that for you.

dontputitthere · 20/09/2022 19:29

Oh wow. Just echoing everyone else.

You just sound so miserable. I remember meeting my partner and being so excited at spending more time with him. You have to tell him you want a night off...

But yeah he's a freeloader. He sounds grim.

Absolutely do not tell him about the inheritance.

I can't believe you have to ask him for a night off so you can have your own house back...

Ladybyrd · 20/09/2022 19:47

At the end of the day, his money is going towards paying off his mortgage. Your money is going on rent. He'll have a house at the end of it. What will you have?

And be buggered I'd pay all the utilities and keep him.

Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 19:48

Ladybyrd · 20/09/2022 19:47

At the end of the day, his money is going towards paying off his mortgage. Your money is going on rent. He'll have a house at the end of it. What will you have?

And be buggered I'd pay all the utilities and keep him.

Agree as it stands

see above about the inheritance

OP posts:
Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 19:49

dontputitthere · 20/09/2022 19:29

Oh wow. Just echoing everyone else.

You just sound so miserable. I remember meeting my partner and being so excited at spending more time with him. You have to tell him you want a night off...

But yeah he's a freeloader. He sounds grim.

Absolutely do not tell him about the inheritance.

I can't believe you have to ask him for a night off so you can have your own house back...

He takes it so personally when I want some time on my own

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 20/09/2022 20:02

Any one who moves in by stealth is very conscious of what they are doing - it is not some mistake - he also wants to guilt you if you raise an objection to him living in your fucking house, using your utilities and eating your food. Ask yourself would you ever move into someone else's home by stealth? No you would not because you are not a fucking cocklodger (female equivalent). Get him gone, buy yourself a fabulous house with your inheritance and have a lovely life without this greedy, grabby, suffocating cocklodging cunt.

Jux · 20/09/2022 20:07

"He takes it so personally when I want some time on my own"

Of course he does. He's terrified it would mean you'd realise what a waste of space he is, how he is eating up your resources and then he'd have to find someone else to freeload on and, oh dear, he's so out of practice and hasn't got any irons in the fire and poor him poor him poor him.

I'm sure he can turn on the charm, and he will.

Ignore ignore ignore. Think of your children having the run of that lovely house you're going to buy WITHOUT HIM IN IT.

Bet they've not said, but I also bet they'd rather he weren't there.

GiantTortoise · 20/09/2022 20:09

This seems like a bad sign to me OP. You should feel able to discuss important things like this with him. "Taking it personally" can easily become controlling behaviour when it means that he rides roughshod over your wishes and opinions, and makes it unpleasant for you to raise issues with him.

No one should move into their partner's house without being asked!

OneFootintheRave · 20/09/2022 20:24

Junepar · 20/09/2022 18:20

has anyone got advice for the inheritance thing and me buying a house? Shall I just say that he’s not going to be living there too, how is the right way to say it to him? I want to set it from the start

god I feel awful and feel like I’ve totally fucked up,

Eh? Advice? OP, just don't tell him. Keep your mouth shut on the inheritance.

Well done for seeing and articulating your concerns on this thread.

You feel suffocated and you have highlighted a couple of other serious red flags. Now take action and tell him you need more space. His reaction should tell you everything.

Personally I would be phasing him out.

Good luck.