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Original poster

What’s fair

91 replies

Junepar · 20/09/2022 17:05

My boyfriend has his own house (with mortgage) and I private rent. He’s ended up slowly migrating to basically living at mine

what’s fair if he’s living at mine when it comes to bills? I’ve asked for contribution towards food and a contribution towards gas and electric

his house is basically lying empty. I have 2 children from a previous marriage so that’s why he’s basically moved into mine

do you think this is fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Junepar · 20/09/2022 20:28

OneFootintheRave · 20/09/2022 20:24

Eh? Advice? OP, just don't tell him. Keep your mouth shut on the inheritance.

Well done for seeing and articulating your concerns on this thread.

You feel suffocated and you have highlighted a couple of other serious red flags. Now take action and tell him you need more space. His reaction should tell you everything.

Personally I would be phasing him out.

Good luck.

Show quote history

Thankyou for your words ❤️ I think I need to get a grip of the situation and get a backbone, or I’m going to get walked over even more so than I am already

OP posts:
Meatballsforever · 20/09/2022 20:29

OP, I mean this kindly but you need to get a grip on this and find a backbone.

Next time he suggests he come round say that you need money for the heating/cooking/washing whatever and your going to work out what you need each week. And 'no' he can't come round because your sorting the accounts out.

Then next time he asks to come round tell him you need x amount and can he bring it with him?

If he makes excuses then ask when he can pay and say "no" it's not convenient to come round because of xyz.

You need to reclaim your life OP.

dontputitthere · 20/09/2022 20:30

How long have you been dating?

He sounds suffocating. And you do not sound happy at all

If you can't tell him you don't want him to move in with you into your new place without his reaction do you really want to be with him?

These are all conversations you should be able to have with an adult if you're in a relationship.

Sorry. But the way I'm reading it I'm not sure what he brings you in terms of positivity. A partner should enhance your life and bring you joy. He seems to drain you. And make you anxious to speak to him.

Pineappleskies · 20/09/2022 20:42

A guy at work is doing this with a woman he's been seeing six months. Airily tells us he has two houses now but stays in the one where he gets free dinners.

These people know exactly what they're doing.

FlowerArranger · 20/09/2022 22:03

@Junepar - the simple truth is that you will NEVER feel secure in this relationship.

  1. Because he is a cocklodger who is only thinking of himself. You are feeling deeply uncomfortable, you don't trust him, and you are aware that he is exploiting your weakness and your good nature.
  1. Because you are lacking in self esteem and seem incapable of prioritising your needs and those of your children.

Now, I realise that this sounds harsh, but you need a wake-up call. Whatever has happened in your life up until now has left you ill prepared for dealing with the sharks out there who are always on the lookout for nice women like you.

You need some time on your own to boost your self-esteem and learn to look after #1. These books may help:

  • Women who love too much
  • The six pillars of self esteem

And please kick this vile man out of your life 💐

Bookworm20 · 21/09/2022 10:35

I think the fact he has just basically moved into yours and has his laying empty as his little bolt hole speaks volumes.
If he really wanted to move this forward and really wanted to be living with you he would be suggesting selling his and looking at getting somewhere together. As partners. As its tands, he has his little safety net and I bet the minute a conversation gets difficult or he has a bad day he'll just bolt off to his house. he is commiting to nothing.
At the moment he is getting the best of both worlds. No commitment from him, but the comfy home life at yours.

And the fact it hasn't occured to him that you are footing all the additional cost of him staying at yours, when you are on half his salary AND supporting children is really very shit. He is either really really thick or knows exactly what he is doing and doesn't care.

What would happen if you suggested he sell his house and you look to move in together properly? Whether you want to or not, try it and I bet he'll say hes not ready and even panic!

I'd just have a frank conversation with him. Hard as it is. As offended as he may he with you wanting your space. Explain, he has 2 houses. he can have space whenever he wants. you can't. Either you live together, equally, or you don't. Hes getting all the cake at the moment, wheres your slice?

I had a similar scenario, basically staying at mine almost every night. he'd come in with the odd takeaway or take us out for sunday lunch. Great, I felt I should be grateful and felt guilty for it pissing me off. but ultimately his takeaways and meals out were not contributing to my bills or his stays, which I was struggling with, so although nice, it wasn't actually helping me one jot financially iyswim.

Don't tell him about the inheritance, either.

RippleQueen · 21/09/2022 11:52

What about council tax? Do you get the single person discount? If he moves in you would lose that 25% discount.

RaininSummer · 21/09/2022 13:05

When you move just carry on dating if that's what you are doing. One day in the future if you want to get serious sell both houses and buy one together?

CousinKrispy · 21/09/2022 13:11

Don't feel bad, OP, you're doing a great job identifying how you feel about the situation, and that's important!

It's not so much the money as the fact that he isn't respecting your boundaries which is a MASSIVE red flag. That is such a basic respect thing.

Also you may not be compatible WRT having time to yourselves.

Also you're not comfortable communicating tricky things with him. Sooner or later that will be necessary in a relationship.

I'd bin him, frankly, buy your lovely house for yourself and your children, and try again with someone else who respects your boundaries!

economicervix · 21/09/2022 19:32

Red flags galore. Who is prioritising your kids? Allowing some bloke to move in to their home is diabolically poor safeguarding. The biggest threat to a kid is an unrelated male.

Him hanging around your property and kids when not invited should have been an immediate no. How does it benefit your kids to have this boyfriend moved in to their home? That’s a basic question you should have assessed from the outset.

Jukesnow · 21/09/2022 19:39

economicervix · 21/09/2022 19:32

Red flags galore. Who is prioritising your kids? Allowing some bloke to move in to their home is diabolically poor safeguarding. The biggest threat to a kid is an unrelated male.

Him hanging around your property and kids when not invited should have been an immediate no. How does it benefit your kids to have this boyfriend moved in to their home? That’s a basic question you should have assessed from the outset.

Excuse me? “Allowing some bloke to move into my home”?? Do you mean my boyfriend? you make it sound like a stranger has moved in. My children absolutely adore him

economicervix · 21/09/2022 19:44

yeah, your boyfriend, how does it prioritise your kids to have him move himself in to their house without discussion or assessing how it benefits them? I fully stand by my post. Poor safeguarding, and the man is emotionally manipulating you in to not questioning him, which is also grim.

Jukesnow · 21/09/2022 19:48

economicervix · 21/09/2022 19:44

yeah, your boyfriend, how does it prioritise your kids to have him move himself in to their house without discussion or assessing how it benefits them? I fully stand by my post. Poor safeguarding, and the man is emotionally manipulating you in to not questioning him, which is also grim.

This doesn’t warrant an educated response

Jukesnow · 21/09/2022 19:50

Jukesnow · 21/09/2022 19:48

This doesn’t warrant an educated response

Show quote history

You have no idea what I have discussed with the children, how they feel and have jumped to the conclusion I haven’t done this, please leave the thread, your comments are appalling

Alcemeg · 21/09/2022 19:57

He takes it so personally when I want some time on my own
This means he is incapable of taking your needs seriously and enjoys guilt-tripping you into getting what he wants.

The reason you haven't been able to have a sensible conversation about him accidentally moving in is that he is relying on you to be unable to stand up for yourself.

Part of the reason you can't stand up for yourself with him is that he treats you very subtly (or maybe not always so subtly?) as though you just don't really matter.

All of this is dangerous territory, because over time it will erase you.
The financial side of things is just the icing on the cake.

Don't go back to dating him because he will turn on the charm, especially if he gets whiff of your inheritance! and you will feel duty bound to share everything with him and he is already training you to bend over backwards to accommodate his needs.

I've been there OP, please don't let him take over your life! Good luck!

mscampbell · 21/09/2022 20:04

He's a parasite which is why he doesn't like it if you try and get away from him.
If I were you I would think seriously about what you gain from having this man leech off you, he doesn't sound much fun?

Ginger1982 · 21/09/2022 20:14

Name change fail OP?

Flowersintheattic57 · 21/09/2022 21:36

Be fierce: protect yourself, your kids, your space and your inheritance.

Jewel7 · 21/09/2022 22:15

You need to think about what you want. Together and living separately? Completely apart? Or something else. Come up with a plan then see what he wants and if your in the same page?

altmember · 21/09/2022 23:51

Well you need to sort out what your (more like his) living arrangements actually are. And then you can work out what a fair contribution would be.

Sounds like you don't want him living there full time so that's out. Decide how many days/nights a week you want him there and then tell him. Explain that you're feeling smothered, want to regain some of your own space. But it sounds like he does want to be living together full time, so be prepared for a fall out.

Ladybyrd · 22/09/2022 04:30

@Junepar But he doesn't know about the inheritance. So he's perfectly happy to leave things as they are, and is actually complaining about paying his share of utilities. So while you're paying all the bills, his money is going towards building him a nice little asset.

If he's at yours all the time using your water and electricity, he isn't using it at home. Of course he should pay for it - and he should be offering to do so, let alone objecting! He sounds like a CF to me.

I definitely wouldn't tell him about the inheritance or get anymore financially ensnared with him than you already are.

The sensible thing for him to do is either suggest you all move into his house, or get a lodger, and start paying his way at yours with the rent and bills etc. Or, just go home! But acting like he's just staying the odd night when the reality is he's been there for a whole month?...

You sound like you're having doubts about the whole thing and that's understandable.

Hearthnhome · 22/09/2022 05:25

He takes it personally, so that you feel bad for asserting your boundaries and don’t keep raising it.

He is a man who doesn’t respect your needs or boundaries. As you said when you talk he will go back to his and the next week is staying again.

You should have to keep asserting your boundaries because he keeps trampling them. In my opinion, he isn’t someone you should be in a relationship with at all. Never mind letting him live with you.

If you try and end it he will apologise and try and talk you round. Stay at his more, but within 6 months, he will be pushing back again. Don’t tell him about the money. Just end the relationship. That would be my advice.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/09/2022 05:37

I’d break up with him. He doesn’t care about your feelings or he would accept it and go to his home when asked. And he doesn’t care about your finances or he would have concluded himself that you are subbing him and offered to pay off his own bat.
All he cares about is that for the paltry sum of the cost of his own food he gets meals cooked, a clean house to relax in, company and sex.

He also does not care about the impact of his presence on your DC. Otherwise he would not be moving in by stealth. He is only nice because he gets everything his own way.

Queenofheart · 22/09/2022 06:27

You tell him about your inheritance, you buy a house and your next conversation will be …

oh I can move in with you and rent mine out, I don’t need to pay to live at yours as you’ve paid your mortgage off, you can afford it …

he’s shown you the person he is, a freeloader, if he’s doing this now when you’re only dating, he isn’t going to change, just get worse!

Andypandy799 · 22/09/2022 16:48

I think it progresses from staying over on a sat to then Fri and sat and then Fri sat sun etc. and before you know it they are with you every night.

You need to ask if he’s going to sell or rent his house out as your not a mug and don’t need a cocklodger