Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

This is the best it’ll ever be. From here it plummets. You think that’s not possible? I hope you don’t stay to find out it is.You are a good, hard working and sensible woman, you don’t need to put up with this crap.

Instead of giving him money, plough the££s into therapy. In a year or two
you will be SO much better off.

This guy is now on his sixth child and they've all somehow been accidents that he doesn't take responsibility for?

OP, you have so much to give - you need to focus on giving to your baby. He'll take and take and take and there will never be an end to it. I know you feel sorry for him, but I would bet good money that when you dump him, he'll be sponging off another woman within the year, and she will also feel sorry for him with his latest tale of woe, now starring you.

You and your baby can be a tight little unit of two. It's not the family you were dreaming of, but that's my situation and honestly, there's a lot to be said for it.

You've picked a complete dud. Get away from him as fast as you can and build your own life with the baby. You sound really sensible and deserve much better than this hot mess of a man.

So by the time your child arrives he will have six children by three different women. He has tens of thousands of debt and had lied to you time and time again. Is this the life you want? You sound like a decent, lovely person. And he sounds like a despicable man. You have earned and saved your Own money and created a decent life, he’s just undoing all the good that you do. From this moment onwards, do not pay him a penny. It’s over. You will rebuild a great life. But you need to have resilience and stay strong, none of this feeling guilty for leaving him rubbish. There’s a reason the first two women don’t want him in their children’s lives. I bet you still only know the half of it.

Just to add to my previous post, the thing you really need to understand is that the fact that you 'love him' isn't going to help you / change anything.

So many times we see people clinging on to someone because they believe that the 'love' will either get them through, or is some sort of special gift that must be revered and obeyed. It really isn't, when something is this fucked - it's really just an obstacle and an additional hurdle to overcome.

You love him (or at least who you thought he was) so being apart will hurt initially.

But you WILL stop loving him - especially when the blinkers fall off.

He doesn't love you - not properly. He really doesn't.

If you stay - your 'love' will be nothing but a flimsy thread holding a fucking nightmare together. The sooner you snap it and move away, the quicker you can get over the one and only thing that is keeping you with this conman.

The only thing you can be sure of at this point is that he is a liar.
You cannot believe anything he says. Anything.
I’m sorry OP.

OP of course you are sad, you had this picture of a lovely family in your head and now it doesn't look like ti will happen. But please listen to the posters here.

First yes he's probably having an affair. Very likely explanation to his sudden change of mood and behaviour. But this is not even the main issue.

He is financially irresponsible and he will expect you to earn while he spends and tells you it's his money and you shouldn't nag. And this will be the case for the rest of your joint lives. This will be 100x more challenging once the baby is here, you are working overtime to make sure they have a roof over the head, and he goes out buying gadgets and partying and expecting you to cover the debts. Get out while you can and before you also dig yourself into so much debt you can no longer get rid of it.

He Doesn't Care About You At All.

His only interest is himself.

When he acted loving to you it was because it suited him and now it doesn't suit him, for whatever reason.

Please get legal advice on your situation and don't give him any more chances or any more money.

I know you have feelings for him and want to be a family but it seems like one of the main reasons you want to stay is because you don't want to leave him with debts. I just CAN'T get my head round this at all!! They're his debts!! What kind of thought processes do you have that makes you WANT to stay to pay off HIS debts? You've already worked like a devil for 6 years to pay off his debts. Enough!
He sounds like my friend's ex husband. He was a very insecure man who liked to splash the cash to buy expensive things as a status symbol. He insisted on getting this huge house, would only drive an expensive car, would only have Le Creuset cooking pans. His TV had to be the biggest and most expensive. It was all about image - to show off to his friends, make himself look like the big man. Pathetic. He had huge debts which he kept secret from my friend. He was repeatedly lying to her. When she clicked she left immediately even though she had to leave their lovely home, even they they had a child. She was not going to abused anymore. Yet your DH is worse than my friend's DH because at least my friend's DH didn't cheat on her, at least he loved her and looked after her and played an active role in her pregnancy. At least he didn't let HER work overtime to pay off his debts. He dealt with his debts himself. At least he didn't have a secret family that everyone knew about except her.
He's cheating on you. Has lied to you from the very beginning. He's letting you work like a slave to pay for his lifestyle. He's said he wants to leave you after Christmas and doesn't want your baby. Exactly what else does he have to do to you before you'll leave him OP?

He has sociopathic tendencies im not diagnosing just saying..
Take your baby and run far away or he will destroy you both
And also if you can speak to the ex wife..
Dont ever trust his mother , she will always be on the sons side

My plan was to sell our house, buy the cheaper house and pay the debts off. Then try to make things work for a year. During this year I was going to squirrel away some money I think in a year I could make around 8k extra without him knowing.

Please don't do this @thisisme3322 Don't pay off his debts by using your capital gain.

He's shown you by his actions that he is not worthy of your trust. He is borderline abusive, calling you controlling when you question expensive purchases adding to his debt.

Be aware of the "sunk cost fallacy." This is when people feel that they've invested so much time, or money, or energy/love, (any or all of these) in a venture that they have to keep ploughing more resources in, even though it's clearly failing.

You have not failed. He has manipulated & abused your trust and hard work.

How is HE planning to SUPPORT YOU in your maternity leave? He doesn't support the children he already has ...

He is already telling his new 'friend' that you trapped him with this baby and have racked up debt in his name

So apart from the fact that he's a liar, rude about your appearance, drains all your hard-earned cash despite earning more than you, sprays his jizz about the place liberally, doesn't support or contact some of his kids, can't manage money, goes whining to his mum, doesn't support you or take you to pregnancy appointments - what's he got going for him? Is he incredibly good looking or something?

He told me that when we sell uo the money will go into his account automatically. Is this true?

You need a solicitor RIGHT AWAY @thisisme3322 Not a shared solicitor. YOu need someone who will protect yours and your parents' money. Otherwise, this man will spend it all.

You are being a mug. HOW MANY times does he have to lie shock hurt and steal from you, before you grasp he DOES NOT LOVE you? You have no other future with him, but more of the same. Like all his previous dumped women and by-blow kids.

Get a grip. Your priority now is your baby; and protecting its childhood against the emotional damage , lies, manipulations , abandonment and impoverished debts its father would inflict on it.

You have a safe place and a roof, at your Mum's. That's a start. Take care of your health, stand on your own two feet, and build a life away from that bastard.

First you need to get a stop on all shared finances.

I hope OP is reading because so much good advice, I do feel bad for you OP this must all feel pretty savage, but it’s only cos so many of us have seen it. It’s hard when you thought you picked a decent one (because everyone has flaws and you accepted that), and then the charm fades and you’re left in a place with someone who isn’t the same (usually after you’ve invested more commitment like marriage, a mortgage and a baby) - it’s not your fault, these people are seasoned at this behaviour and when you encounter them for the first time you’re left feeling confused, and you want to heal things. Don’t feel sorry for him, everyone is responsible and accountable for themselves and their actions - that’s how adults behave. You will save yourself a lot of further grief by getting out, otherwise he will stretch you, your boundaries and your finances until you break.

Don't feel guilty about his debts. Everything you've described is him unable to control his spending habits. He's like a small child that wants instant gratification and to hell with the consequences. His entitlement is unbelievable.

Get out. Get a solicitor and get the house sold. Set up a life for you and your baby because I doubt very much he's going to be a good dad. The story about his previous children not wanting contact is probably Bs, he's just dodging cms claims for them

Though he has not been seeing them in the past few months since his ex wife found out I was pregnant. He said she has been telling the children that their Dad has enough money to get married to me and have a vasectomy reversal but not to see them. Even though most of this has been paid by myself.

Probable Reality -
He has said he can't afford to see them.
Ex has said to him, not to the kids, that he is spending plenty on other things.

This man thinks of himself only and does things to suit himself only.
When you keep that in mind, everything he does is perfectly understandable and will never lead to a happy marriage.

I mean this kindly, but you are enabling a complete twat and a liar. If you read your posts as though written by another person what would you think? I get that you love him, but truly you need to think with your head not with your feelings. He won't change because he has no desire to do so. You keep picking up the pieces and he will carry on taking from you forever. Talk to someone in real life who doesn't know him and free yourself.

He started your relationship with lies and has continued to lie to you. You deserve better. You sound so kind and hardworking, please don't let him take advantage of you or drag you down with his debt.
Thank you for all hard work, especially through covid. X

OP, I felt devastated for you when I read your post. As you have posted more and more I am just getting annoyed now.

You have been a fool.
When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them. This man has shown you in big red capital letters. Why on earth you think you will be the one to change him when others couldn't - I haven't a clue. His parents know he was/is in debt and they still gave him their credit card? He must come from a family that lives that way.
You do not. Your parents taught you properly. Don't waste that.
You are seeing life through 'rose coloured glasses' not seeing you need to get out of this. You are hoping some poster will tell you it's okay and he will soon be 'back to normal'. Well we aren't going to.
Send him no more money.
See a solicitor.

@thisisme3322
I can’t believe that a very sensible young woman ( You) is being dragged down by a ghastly man, a feckless spendthrift, debt ridden unfaithful loser who had children he doesn’t see, by multiple women.
He’s a dead loss to you.

I’m wincing that such a loser can be costing you do much, emotionally and financially.
Cut your losses, get your share of the equity, and get free of this useless drain on your life.

this

sorry OP you are a complete mug if you stay with him. Sell the house, divorce that useless prick and get used to bein ga single parent

On the day when he swans off into the blue leaving you mentally broken, with a mountain of crippling debt and the latest child he has betrayed, you will wish you could turn the clock back to today when you had the chance to ditch him and make a happy life.

You got your wish. It’s today. Ditch him.

Oh my word, this was absolutely awful to read. He is financially abusing you (as well as doing all manner of other dodgy things). Please, please get out. You sound like you are incredibly strong to have worked this hard and coped with working like that. Your life will be immeasurably better without him stealing your money and you can do it.