Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

Just read your update.

Why oh why on earth did you stay with him when he saved fuck all for your "future"?

I just can't get my head around that.

Can you at least see now why by your own admission he wanted to get married quickly?

I bet he bloody did!

There were so many red flags before you got to this point and yet here you are still doubting yourself. It's so sad.

You are nothing to him but the Goose who lays the golden eggs.

You will be happier alone and you will have the chance of finding happiness with a much better partner in the future.

Although you feel blindsided atm, from what you have written the signs were there. He is absolutely not going to change and you shouldn’t feel like it’s your job to fix him.

Sell the house and take your half of any profit. Leave him to his own debts. You focus on building a happier future for you and your child; a happy life is not going to happen with this man.

This gets better and better doesn't it? He lied to you about his age when you met him. His parents give him a credit card to spend money? He does not consult you about his purchases. He's just not a mature responsible man. He's not looking after any of his children is he? What makes you think hell care for you or your baby? There's possibly a pattern with his other women. He gets a naive young woman, love bombs, sucks them dry financially emotionally, then when all shit comes out moves to the next one. He's as someone up thread said, a shit bag of the highest order.

Stay with your mum. Look at anyway possible to stop haemorrhaging money on a useless relationship. Stop feeling responsible for a man who lies, spends your money, is feckless and probably cheats. He is NOT your responsibility. His depression is caused by HIS actions. Protect yourself financially. You are now on a list of mothers of his children who will be cast aside and hidden when he meets his next victim.

Sorry to be blunt but he is a lying feckless cheat. Your plan re the money won’t work as, guaranteed, once you get the cheaper house he’ll manage to get hold of the money and/ or build up more debt. Cut your losses now. If, genuinely, there is love left then the very best thing you can do is stop facilitating his fuckwit ways. You can still see him and co-parent, but do not send him money or in any way get financially entangled (any more than you are already). Sell the house, take your share and get your own set up- and keep it that way.

OP, you need good legal advice, so please get that so that you know exactly where you stand on the finances. You need to start the divorce asap in order to protect the rest of any money that will come to you.

Once a divorce is in hand, any house sale funds will be sat on until the financials are agreed, I have had a friend who went through it and the solicitors won't release the money until it is legally agreed who gets what.

I hope the house is in joint names. If you own it 50/50 then that would be how the proceeds would be split, unless you can get him to agree to a different split to match the deposits that you each put in, especially as you will be bringing up the child.

Marital debt is often seen as joint debt, but credit cards are only in the name of one person with a second cardholder. You can negotiate how much debt you repay to get less than 50% share of it.

I say, with experience, that he will never change. It is very common for a person in debt to call the person trying to stop the debt "controlling". He is lying about the other woman, he is lying about his ex wives and kids. His new woman will have been told that you are a controlling bitch who ruined his life, and she will fall for it.

If you stay with him, you are setting yourself up for a life of debt, lies and misery. Please please start the wheels in motion so that you can sell the house and not be responsible for any more debt.

Please put yourself and your baby first and take it from somebody who knows, he will never stop the spending, he will always be in debt, he will always lie to you and he will never change. You can help him as much as you want buy you are just throwing money away because he will not change his habits.

Sell the house, pay off the debts and move on with your life without him. I feel desperately awful for you, you are obviously a hard working decent person and you have been treated appallingly. I wish you huge strength op.

He’s devastated you don’t trust him? Oh hell no OP don’t let him twist all this around, he’s given you every reason not to trust him, it’s also very typical for an abusive person to change after they secure their victim with marriage and webs of lies and debt. He’s not even taking responsibility and seeking help if he is going through a rocky mental health patch, no he’s projecting it onto you, the last thing you need with a baby on the way. You don’t feel loved and respected because you aren’t and you will fare far better on your own, because this is a downward slope, you’ve done nothing to deserve it, people like this exist unfortunately and his lack of involvement with previous children speaks volumes.

Practically The first thing he ever told you, his age, was a lie. You have lived with lies, cheating and, essentially extortion, for six years. Please don’t do this for one more day.

Take support from you parents, friends, colleagues and people here. Not one single post here thinks going back for more is the right thing for you and your child. It might help the lying, cheating thief.

Consult a lawyer and block contact. I’m truly sorry for how painful this must be.

Look forward to your child and next chapter. You have absolutely no cause to feel ashamed.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this. Especially now, heavily pregnant and working a very important and stressful job.
There's a reason PPs are telling you to leave, he won't change, he's using you etc. It's because a lot of us have been stung before, we're clued up enough to see the signs and no one wants to see anyone else in that position.
So, with all due respect, drag your head out the sand. I appreciate you love and care for him but it's time to face the fact that he doesn't give a shit. That love and affection was an act, this depressing look he has is an act, his mother's in on it, stop talking to her about stuff, she'll always take his side.
Go see a solicitor regarding the financial side of things. No more working yourself into the ground, worrying about debt or worrying about him. Baby needs a healthy and happy mother.
Don't feel any shame, I bet you any money he's done the same to the other 3 mothers before you. Not many will cuts contact with the child's father for nothing, losing support in the process, they've had a valid reason for it. I also bet the previous debts were not because of the ex wife.
I hope you can make the right decision for you and your child and I understand it's very hard. Wishing you the best of luck.

He seems to have a history of fu@king up and walking away from his responsibilities. Depression is all but a smoke screen for his mistakes.
If a new wife and imminent baby arrival don't focus his efforts then nothing will.
Prepare to reduce the collateral damage and keep your money in a separate account.
Hopefully his debt is only in his name.
All indication show this relationship is heading for disaster.

Your instincts are correct, he is doing exactly what you suspect he is. How do I know because I like many others have been in this exact situation. I know this is gonna be hard, but concentrate only on you and your newborn nothing else. Remain at your Mum's, do not go back to the house you share with him. Treat him the way he is treating you; Stonewalling. Do not try to have any kind of communication or conversation about 'the situation' as believe me he is not interestested or capable of holding an adult conversation about his shortcomings. For example: My DH said the reason that he had an 18 month affair was because I did not want sex, no idea where that came from, however on the other hand said the affair had nothing to do with me; yes go figure.
Remember this is someone who is a compulsive liar, therefore everything that comes from that mouth will be just that. Please please please for your own mental health remember that. Further conversations YOU and only you control the narrative and the only comman ground you both have is that of your baby.

I feel like if I walk away and leave him with the debts that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I don't feel I could handle it on my conscience. I feel like it would make me feel like a bad person.

They are HIS DEBTS! He spent a fuck-ton of money, mostly your money, that he couldn't afford. You're not 'leaving him with debts'. You are leaving him and his own debts that he racked up himself by being a total prick.

This man has deceived you for six years. His mother is enabling him. He will not change. You would be insane to stay with him.

OP are you having a baby with my ex-husband? 😂

I don't actually think it's him, but sounds like him anyway. Dump him would be my strongest recommendation!

OP, have you heard of the game Russian roulette? Don’t you realise you are not supposed to keep pulling the trigger numerous times? If you have beaten the odds once that’s it, you put the gun down and walk away.

if you stay with him you and your child are going to have a shit life. It sounds like there will always be debt, insecurity and uncertainty. He’s telling and showing you who he really is. He’s said and revealed some shocking things to you snd yet you still stick up for him?

Do you want your child to have such a role model? Remember love is never, ever enough.

I’m sure the reason he had so many debts is because he’s paying for all those kids and divorces. You’ll just be another one hit by his feckless ways.

OP, sorry you're going through this.

I think it's all been said really, I just want yo highlight one point. You seem still willing to put some store by what this man says, and I think you need to stop doing that right now.

He has lied, lied and lied again and his mum seems either taken in or willing to enable. His words are worthless, meaningless.

You need to judge him by his actions alone. He has exploited you financially, neglected you at a very vulnerable time and yes, very likely cheated on you.

His 'depression' is a way to stop you from finding your anger and an excuse for going on being nasty to you.

In short, this man is vile. Sorry you've been deceived but please don't take any more of this shit. Get rid, right now. He will in all likelihood be OK and if he isn't, that's well deserved. All the best.

Sounds like a reckless gambling type of personality. He is not husband material. Throw him back in the sea.

Biggest red flag in your post ‘he insisted you got married quickly’ he had an agenda! All toxic manipulative people want things to move fast.

OP please value your own existence, and that of your future child, and leave this man. You owe him nothing. You want to keep trying with him as you have a picture in your head of what you want your life to be. You have every right to want happiness but you will not find it with this man. He is about to have 6 children with 4 different women, tells you all you need to know. You will find your happiness elsewhere.

I'm not normally a LTB poster but honestly OP, run!!

He is a manipulative cocklodger and you will have a life of misery.

Get out now while you get your equity out the house and start afresh while you are still young.

Bollocks to paying off his debt too - let him keep the stuff out the house and he can sell it on eBay or at a car boot if he can't pay the debts.

OP your responses are just more background. You don't seem to be addressing the reality of what he is - a cheating, serial conman.

You are heavily pregnant and you have been blindsided - I am not surprised you are struggling to get your head around it all but since you posted here, there must be a part of you that was starting to suspect what he is.

As per my previous post - he comes from Camp B- the group of people who genuinely don't care about getting into debt in the same way as you or I because 1. Their moral compass has a different setting. 2. They always get bailed out by someone else.

You are just part of a repeating pattern

Spend
Rack up debt
Go crying to a new woman
Woman helps clear debt
Have a child
Get bored
Spend
Rack up debt
Start lining up the next one
Cheat
And on it goes.

Your only chance of real happiness is to leave. I'm sorry because that is hard as fuck, but you don't need to share any more background - we all see what he is.

You sound very naive and far too trusting. This man has done nothing but lie to you since you first met him. He is a serial debtor and sees no need to change his ways as there is always another mug (woman) to bail him out financially. He continually focuses on his own current needs. He actually sounds like some kind of sociopath to me. The debt issue will only get worse and worse and worse. Cut your losses and get out the relationship now. Claim child maintenance once the baby is born. Another other course of action would be foolish in the extreme.

Your first action needs to be getting good legal advice from a solicitor on what will be the best course of action to protect yourself and your child financially. ASAP, before this prick decides to go on another spending spree.
Your priorities seem to be all over the place, you won’t be able to live with yourself having him pay his own debts, when you should prioritising your child who needs to be born into a stable environment.
When your child is born you aren’t going to be in the position to be flogging yourself with lots of overtime, and you will be caught up in this debt spiral which could ruin you financially.
Tbh you can’t afford to have these luxury beliefs of it might end up nice and rosy and I’m so kind and nice, fuck that, you have a child on the way which it looks like you’ll be solely responsible for.
Put your big girl pants on and protect yourself and your child.