Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

@thisisme3322
You won’t be able to change him.
Men like him are two a penny, bouncing from woman to woman, doing the “ I’m depressed” routine.

There will be nothing but debt and misery staying with a financially and sexually incontinent man.
You will never have your own property if you stay with him-
he’ll get you into so much debt your house could possibly be repossessed.
Think of your child who needs a stable home.

I'm so sorry OP this man sounds like a compulsive liar and a narcissist of the highest order. You were his 'mark' I'm afraid probably because you were young, seemed trusting and (sorry) a little bit naïve plus he could gain advantage from you. Nothing wrong with being nice but as I have found out it is like a target/flashing beacon on your head for some men who want to lead a double life!! Everything he has done is to suit himself and his mask has slipped so now you've seen the real him. Get cynical about his motives now. There is no real love from him.

He is one of those guys who gets women pregnant then leaves them high and dry in a total mess, completely screws them over financially etc. He has already done it several times! Perhaps they have this fantasy of acting normal and being a good person for a while but then there is only so long they can keep up the facade. Not sure why they do it other than something is psychologically wrong with them but that is not your problem to solve. Focus on yourself and the baby if you are happy continuing with everything as you will likely be doing it alone and frankly I think you will be far far better off that way from everything you have said. He is exhibiting compulsive behaviour. He is unable to control his compulsions whether for spending, sex or other things and tries to cover it up with lies until everything falls apart and he can no longer cover it up, then he gets nasty. No way can anyone deal with that, particularly when vulnerable, he needs specialist help and you cannot provide that, he needs to seek it out himself. Meanwhile you need to get as far away from him as physically possible and cut all communication to email only. Extricate your life from his as fast as you can as men like this are really no good! It's a shock but better to learn it now than after the baby is born! You will be ok. I know you don't feel it now but you will. Gather your network around you friends and family. And for god sake stop talking to his mum! She is not your friend right now. She will either be a total believer of his lies and basically his parrot or you will find out she is also a narcissist and guess who he inherited from. Sadly this often seems to happen with some MIL who take their son's side regardless of whatever poor behaviour he carried out as they see the son as family and the DIL as not. Do not give him any money and consider protecting your money from him. See if you can get an appointment with a good family law solicitor and get a workup of your situation. Don't fall into the trap if he tries to wheedle his way back, he has shown you who he is do not ignore the massive massive red flags he is giving you, this kind of behaviour does not resolve and it will not magically go away. You deserve more. You are still young, have your baby then look for a better class of man! Good luck, you will get through it, you are stronger than you realise.

Am I being a mug?

Yes. And it's no coincidence that this man is a over a decade older than you and pounced when you were just starting your life.

Get a divorce as soon as timing allows before he ruins you financially.

He has been showing me love and affection and then all of a sudden he just changed. He seems angry, upset and so distant

I'm so sorry OP, but I think this is because he is having an affair 😔 it's quite often the way these things go. You sound so lovely, and I know it hurts, but you'll be so vulnerable after you've had your baby, you need to be around people.who love you and support you! And he won't, I would leave him now.

Very accurate list you have made, there.
These parasites crawl from woman to woman like a bloodsucking leech.

You can tell I have had lived experience of one.
@thisisme3322 You will rebuild a good life without him in it.
Make sure you get maintenance for your child.

You must have spent so much time at work and this plus him wanting to drive you to the shops /any little thing must have left you with so little time .Little time to think ,little time with family and friends who might have provided a reality check .And little time to realise what was going on .

I'm so sorry .

Your H sounds a lot like one of my exs, except luckily we weren’t together for very long and there were no children involved.

He misled me about his age when we first met and it turned out there were many more lies where that one came from. He blew hot and cold and with hindsight, I’m 90% sure he was cheating on me. He was awful at managing his money (and I believe he went on to blow all his assets). He’d had a terrible childhood and I felt sorry for him and made excuses for him.

The problem which underpinned all this was, he never took responsibility for his own actions. Nothing was ever his fault, as he didn’t mean to do it, or he was in a state of emotional turmoil when he did it, or he felt terrible afterwards. He never really apologised for anything, nor would he seek help for his issues. A friend who knew him once observed, “he’ll never change. He’ll go round and round in pointless circles until he dies”. Harsh, but surely true.

Anyway OP, I think you need to find your anger as your H has treated you appallingly. You and your baby deserve better. Definitely see a solicitor ASAP and protect your finances as best you can. Please don’t feel guilty for a second about leaving your H to pay off his own debts.

How did you even get married without knowing about the first marriage? You have to show your divorce documents to obtain a marriage licence.

He‘s definitely having an affair, but that’s the least of your problems.

Sounds like this is his pattern.

As for the debt, sheesh, wtf. Initiate divorce proceedings immediately and get out of this shit show asap. He is a liar, an asshole and an all round awful human being. Why on earth would you want to spend your life with him, you and your baby deserve better.

You sound so lovely - hard working, responsible and loving. This man has done a such a number on you that you feel responsible for his debts - and that's holding you back from leaving him.

Please listen to all the wise posters on here and take the first steps to protect yourself and your baby's future.

my goodness, you poor thing. What a dreadful situation.

Please just understand 2 things about this man - first he is a compulsive liar as many others have said but in addition to that, he cannot say no to anyone. He's probably telling you what you want to hear for now which is why you are trying to make all these plans for the future.

You cannot fix him. It is not your responsibility. He is not your child. Think about your child, the one you are having. Would you want him as a role model? A man who has walked out on every commitment he's had to date? A man who lies and cheats his way out of situations and spends what he wants to make himself feel better then expects you to bail him out?

It makes me feel sick in my stomach the thought of you holding everything together and let me tell you, once you have a child with him, you will be responsible for everything, the baby, the finances, the house, including his shit behaviour and that will be too much for you.

Sell the house, take the money and stay with your wonderful supportive family. Men like this are SO SO good at doing the 'woe is me' speech. I've known a few of them. I bet he is rolling out the 'I'm depressed' card while simultaneously lining up his next victim for when you finally get the guts to kick him out.

No disrespect intended but you're all wasting your time and efforts and advice- I'm really not sure why people start these posts as they have no intention of doing the sensible thing despite 100% of responses advising her what to do.

they had racked up debt together which was on his name and she left him with nothing.

And guess what he will tell (or is telling) his next victim after you? That you forced him to go into debt with your unreasonable demands, nothing he can do about it, needs a new woman to help him out again..

just want to re-emphasise this from a pp: This is the best it’ll ever be. From here it plummets. After the baby, he will start resenting that the attention is not on poor wee him anymore, but the new baby and his/her needs. He will resent his routine being broken with night time feeds, cries. He will spend more and more time with his "friend" complaining that you trapped him with a baby and you are oh so controlling. Once this side hustle gets going and the new friend falls for him, he will start having more arguments with you, and make your and your baby's life a living hell. He will try to figure out how much more money he can leech and once he runs you dry, he will move onto the side hustle. He will not , I repeat, not, pay a penny to your child and will try to take the equity from your house. Wake up, and run while you can. You have 6-8 weeks OP.

This is abusing you with money. Please ready the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and your eyes will be opened. He is taking you for a ride and the best thing you can do it leave. Look into trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance and it will help you understand better. I would also recommend trauma/abuse counselling. I am so sorry you have been coned by this man, but you can pick yourself back up from this. Believe me, you are stronger than you know and that strength you will be able to tap into when you become a mother.

My mother in law was the same and Shea the biggest enabler.

She swore on graves her son wouldnr cheat and called me insecure and paranoid once i found all the evidence and he finally admitted it all her response was "I sshouldn't even know about this, this doesn't concern me" No regard that it was during g our sons pregnancy and birth, during our proposal and engagement and while I was in hospital miscarrying"

I even swore I knew this man and there was no way he was capable, Everything I knew was a lie and it's never been the same. I stayed and forgave, truly did and all that got me was 9 years of disrespect, more lies and Ive become a bitter and empty shell of who I was and he knows I find out every thing eventually.

I can see your future and I wouldn't wish these feelings and this life on anyone.

Please please please really read and hear all these comments from all these other ladies. You will reflect back on this in years to come with utter shame and regret if you stay!

Please also check he hasn't been obtaining debt fraudulently in your name.

Contact Women's Aid for some perspective and help.

He told me that when we sell up the money will go into his account automatically. Is this true?

Is the house in his name only?

It sounds like he's setting up yet another way to swindle you.
Get legal advice .

I’m sorry lovely, but he is taking you for a ride. History has repeated itself over and over and he hasn’t learnt any lessons. He’s had multiple failed marriages, 6(?) soon to be 7 children with multiple women some of which he doesn’t see or pay for, repeatedly run up debts and been bailed out by other and a track record of cheating. Please do the decent thing by you and your child and stay away!

Please just leave, this man is human garbage. If you stay another year you could end up pregnant again, with even more of his debts lumped on you, feeling more vulnerable yourself and somehow miraculously more sorry and responsible for him.

Just go, go, go. However you have to do it, however much it costs you, get out.

Has he been paying towards the upkeep of the 2 DC you just found out about?

Your DH sounds exactly like my xBIL who is now on DP4 and has left a trail behind him of relationship failures and debt. He's a Peter Pan who never grows up and takes responsibility for his DC, his debt, or himself - just moves on to the next mug who believes his declarations of undying love and who he leads to believe might save him from himself. Sadly his eldest son is starting to exhibit the same learned pattern.

Put yourself and your baby first. He won't! Line up your financial ducks and see a solicitor about what you can do to protect yourself and your own baby.

He is a disgusting, feckless cunt. He’s lied to you, shagged other women (he’s lying about his ‘friend’) and he’s stolen your money.

I hope to fuck your see this for what it is soon. For your baby’s sake as well as yours.

If you want answers consider contacting the ex's. My ex's ex wife gave me enough insight to realise I had to be calculating in how to leave safely. Given what you have said he might not make it easy for you to leave so a Claire's law disclosure could be helpful. These type of me are all very similar and love to stalk and harass when you leave them. Women's law are amazing. I would be asking myself why two of his ex's who he has kids with don't ask for child maintenance from him and have gone completely no contact? If you want any help please contact me.

“This is abusing you with money. Please ready the book why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and your eyes will be opened. He is taking you for a ride and the best thing you can do it leave. Look into trauma bonding and cognitive dissonance and it will help you understand better. I would also recommend trauma/abuse counselling. I am so sorry you have been coned by this man, but you can pick yourself back up from this. Believe me, you are stronger than you know and that strength you will be able to tap into when you become a mother.”

Please pay attention to this. This man has been abusing you. What you have described is appalling. Taking your incredibly hard-earned money to pay off his luxury debts, claiming to be entitled to whatever he wants and constantly and needlessly racking up more debt (a £1k cot!!??!!), bullying you when you try to talk to him about it, threatening you that the money from the house sale will all go to him - OP - this is financial, emotional and psychological violence. In an awful way, it might almost have been better if he had physically hit you - you might then have understood what kind of man he was and what a danger he is to you.

He has manipulated you and screwed you over from the word go. This is why he chose a considerably younger woman. A considerably older man and a higher earner - yet, you’ve financed him constantly. Why was this ever okay for you? Do your parents know what has been going on? If so, they must have been out of their minds with worry.

OP - you need to protect yourself and your child from this appalling man. Read Lundy Bancroft. Do the Freedom Programme. Please, please walk away before he drags you down even further.

I don't have anything more to add to the advice you have been given, I wish you the strength you need to move forward (hopefully this man that made you drive to the hospital by yourself, and who earns twice your wage but lets you pick up the bill)
I saw this on another thread yesterday and wanted to share
"SpiderinaWingMirror -
Don't hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."