Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

If ever there was a tale that I wished was a troll then this is it.

he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy

This alone - OMG. He is setting you up to do everything he wants.

It looks very likely he's having an affair but even if he's not how can you continue with this relationship? He has repeatedly lied to you, got in to ridiculous amounts of debt. He lets you work overtime whilst sick with pregnancy and then wastes your money on getting drunk with his friends (or spending it on another woman). He tells you his ex got him in to debt but it's pretty obvious he got himself in to debt and is lying (yet again) to you. He doesn't see 2 of his children which I'm sure is down to his behaviour but he'll tell you it was all his ex's fault. He's not there for you when you need him. I'm assume he's in his 40s but he's acting like a kid, staying out repeatedly and getting drunk when you're at home feeling ill and upset. He blows hot and cold - telling you he can't wait to be a family then regretting the baby. I'm sure he is depressed - his whole life is a complete mess, but OP do you really want your life and your child's life to be dragged in to this? You and your child deserve so much better. Ignore his mum - she's obviously unable to see how he really is and it's nothing to do with her anyway.

Welcome to our world new Mum; remember that no matter how many sleepless nights you get over the next.... your baby will bring you countless joy, happiness, excitement and as they get older the most bizarre and funniest conversations ever; Mine at age 5 advised it best we not emigrate to Mars as it would be way to hot and sunscreen just wouldn't cut it.

Anyway the next bit...
How you handle the situation from here on out is key;

He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks
staying out last minute.
He was being really distant from me
made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore
He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate.
not texting me until around 11pm
told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away)
I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him
he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend
he was planning on leaving me after Christmas
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him
He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby
he insisted that it is just his friend
The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny
he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt
Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt,
he feels I am controlling him
I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.
He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb

Look at this absolute litany of gaslighting and lies.

This guy is a borderline psychopath, he says literally whatever will get him what he wants in the moment or get him out of trouble through blaming you for his actions when he's caught.

You cannot trust him one inch. Do not give him any more money, do not feel sorry for him, do not believe a thing he says. Get away from him. Every day you spend with him from now will put you on a hiding to nothing.

Put your own mental health and your child's mental health first. His first wife is obviously someone who has got the measure of him.

Sorry OP but you have been the victim of a massive con.

For the sake of your child you need to wise up and fast.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Op, please open your eyes. Normally married men with pregnant wives dont spend their wives money on weekends away with lady" friends" with whom they are sending encrypted messages to each other. A shoulder to cry on?!

Oh dear, he saw you coming didn’t he?

His mammy will say anything to keep you hooked so I’d ignore her appeals to you to stay with him. She knows he’s no good but as he’s her son, she will always be his number one superfan. She will never put yours and your child’s needs first! Test her loyalty to him, if you don’t believe me.

Fact is that you were young when you fell for his charming patter but he’s clearly a user who gets infatuated and does the love bombing thing until he eventually gets bored when the relationship no longer appears exciting and starts looking for a new conquest.

Don’t waste any more of your youth on this useless fecker. Nothing you can do will change his personality type and you’ll still be deeply unhappy in ten years time and posting that you’re still really unhappy with his many affairs and broken promises.

Get out now and start putting yours and your baby’s needs first.

Sorry pressed post too early. The rest of my msg was going to be : ffs! And then he is "devastated" you don't trust him?! After he confesses having a secret family! Run away, don't give him more money, don't waste your life with this loser. Imagine being in debt with the debt being in your name, having to worry with a baby to take care of.

Just to pick up on the legalities of this situation...

As OP is married, her husband will have PR regardless of whether he is named on the birth certificate.

OP says they have been together for 6 years. If they have cohabited continually for that time, the courts are likely to treat them as being married for 6 years. It is therefore not a short marriage. It is dangerous to assume the courts will treat the debts as his, especially as it is stuff he has bought for the house.

@thisisme3322 You need to see a solicitor. Once they have all the facts, they will be able to give you a realistic view of your position.

I get all that. You don’t have to ‘make him suffer’. But you do have to put yourself, and your baby, first. At the moment, he clearly has no issues with making you suffer. You can see what he thinks of women and children by his existing children. He likes having you around when he is making all the decisions and having all the fun and you are earning the money to pay for it. He may love you (on those terms) but that isn’t love. That’s having a service human. To love someone you must first see them, their time, effort, possessions and values about things like debt as equal to and worthy of the same consideration and respect as your own. And he doesn’t, does he? Honestly, you can see that, can’t you?

I can see you love him, and don’t want to be a single parent. I can see your dream life crashing down around your ears, and feel your grief for it. But he won’t change. It’s gone anyway. When you start considering yourself as equal to him, and create reasonable boundaries about debt and childcare, you won’t see him for dust. He will first try to erode your boundaries (as he successfully did over debt) then he will ignore them (as he is over your health and baby, and being out with his probable other woman) then he will probably leave. Still, at least he has somewhere to go. He is asking you to stop being you, so he can just do whatever he likes.

I’m sorry, but you need to save yourself now. Thank goodness it’s before the baby arrives. Go home. Don’t tell him he is leaving yet. Quietly get together every single piece of financial information you can and lodge it with the solicitor you will see asap. Remove all your money from joint accounts, remove his access to any financial stuff you can. See the solicitor, find out your legal position (pretty strong). When he is going to be out for long enough, get a locksmith to come and change the locks. Pack him a bag for him, leave it outside, get a friend round for moral support and communicate only via text or email so he can’t gaslight you. He will whine. He might cry. He will be ‘sorry’. He will play to your sympathy. He will kick off a bit when that doesn’t work, probably. His service human is putting herself and her baby first from now on. He will have to earn his own money and do his own adulting. You can’t do it for him. That’s what he wants and you don’t.

He doesn’t love you. You don’t treat people like that if you love them. If you want to be charitable you can say he loves you as much as he’s able to love anyone. But it’s not good enough for your baby and it’s not good enough for you. Good luck.

Again I have read all your replies and they are indeed helping me to feel much stronger so thank you.

Just to confirm some information and add a bit more light to the situation. I am now 31 and he is 42, we met when he was 36 and I 25. He did initially lied about his age and told me he was 32, he did tell me about the first wife and 3 children om the first date. He told me she had, had am affair and they had racked up debt together which was on his name and she left him with nothing. I felt sorry for him and I felt like this could happen to anyone and did not feel it was a reason to judge someone or dismiss them as a good person for.

He was living with his parents at this time and earning a decent wage of around 35k.

I moved out of my lovely cottage which I was renting to go back to my Mum's to save up enough money for us to get a deposit. I saved 6k in 2 and a half months. Working a lot of overtime as I was determined to be able to buy furniture etc out right as I did not want any financial burden.
He was living at his Mum and Dad's and saving nothing really, he had debts to pay.
We got somewhere to rent and I paid a lot of the stuff each month, I was at the time on 23k and earning significantly less than him but all the time I felt he had been down on his luck and saw past things.

We then moved in with his Mum and Dad about 3 years later to save up money for a house deposit. We we're only there about 10 months during lock down but during this time I managed to save 15k, again he saved nothing.
He then got the money from his Mum and Dad who gave us 30k toward the house however, with his debts he still had (I have no idea how) he paid around 15k of his Mum and Dad's money towards them.
We then moved into rented accommodation from his Mum and Dad's for around 6 months and during this 6 months I worked so so hard to save a further 10k. I was travelling 1.5 hours to overtime shifts on intensive care during covid and so exhausted and tired. Again he was working from home and was earning around 45k at the time (still no signs of putting into any savings) I think he may have given me 1.5k at one point.
He reports the debts he racked up were due to my engagement ring and a holiday we had to tenerife. I never asked for any of these things but I thought he had paid for them outright and did not know he had got into more debt for them. I am not a materialistic person at all and I often enjoy buying things from charity shops and second hand. I never asked for or needed an expensive engagement ring, it would have far more meaning for me if he had saved up for a cheaper one. Anyone can tap a credit card to pay for something.
Oh I forgot to mention that during the time of living at his Mum and Dad's he decided to get a new lease car, which cost £750 per month which I did not know about. When I challenged him about the car he told me I was trying to control him and this is what happens with every single purchase. He has since sold this car back and now has a car from his work.
Anyway, we then bought our first house, at this point he is on 65k, I am on 31k. We put together my 25k and what was left over of his Mum and Dad's 30k. We bought all the furniture for the new house outright and the blinds etc. We then put 31k down on the house deposit.
I never wanted to move into this big house we have as I would have been happy with a smaller one for less monthly payments however, he convinced me that it was a good deal. And to be fair in the past year of living there it has gone up in value by 60k so it hasn't been a bad investment.
He insisted we get married fairly quickly and got out a small loan for this which I knew about. Our wedding only cost 7k as we eloped. I have seen his previous divorce paper from the 2nd marraige and I have seen our wedding certificate too.

Since being in the house he has continued to spend. On the first day a massive TV turned up on the door, he told me not to go mad at him as he wanted it and he earns enough money to be able to treat himself to the TV. I felt like I was again being the boring person but I was concerned about the monthly finances.
I have since found out the TV cost 3.5k.

When we were sat waiting to get into he house he cut up the credit cards and vowed to be better financially. Then a TV turns up, we already had a perfectly fine and big TV.

He has bought garden furniture for a ridiculous amount of money, he paid for outdoor lighting on the house which cost a lot, he has bought a laptop amoungst many other things for the house which I felt we did not need. Saying no to him is difficult and when I challenge him.he makes me feel bad and tells me I am unrealistic about finances and childish.

All the cards etc are in his name. Other than a credit card I have for myself which he convinced me to get, this has 1.5k on.

I asked his Mum and Dad not to give him their credit card which they have done! He has out 8k onto that. He bought a cot for the baby at 1k. I don't understand this at all. I had seen one on Facebook marketplace which we would just need a new mattress for, for £400. I had bought drawers and a nursing chair on marketplace for £80 and they are just as lovely as new.

He makes.me feels like the debts are mine too as they are things for the house/baby and though I say no to them I have benefitted from them in a way.

He told me that when we sell uo the money will go into his account automatically. Is this true?

My plan was to sell our house, buy the cheaper house and pay the debts off. Then try to make things work for a year. During this year I was going to squirrel away some money I think in a year I could make around 8k extra without him knowing.
By that time we will have more equity in the house and I hope I would come out with more money than if I just left. As he said as we are married I would still have to pay the debts as they are purchases for us both.

I feel like if I walk away and leave him with the debts that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I don't feel I could handle it on my conscience. I feel like it would make me feel like a bad person.

I am torn and at an ultimate crossroads. I just hope our house sells quick so I can come to a decision.

xxx

Run for the hills. Hes showed you who he is. This is child no. 6 from three/four different mums?Does he pay towards the other kids? If i were you id get the house saleable, sell it and file for divorce. Get rid of any debts, joint accounts etc.

draw a line and walk away. He will leave you eventually and most likely up shit creek with massive debts. Sorry this is happening to you 😟

No no no OP please stop and think and get legal advice re the debt etc.

you could separate now and have (at least) half the equity for you and your child. If he’s done it again with the debt makes you think he won’t do it another time? Please protect yourself and your child financially as much as you can.

I hope the OP is reading even if she doesn't come back.

As an intensive care nurse, you're an amazing professional. Perhaps you're worried about your pride. And don't want people to feel sorry for you, or come over as a mug.

Colleagues, friends and most of all your family will feel immense pride in someone who has the inner strength to say, 'I discovered bad things about DH and I'm afraid they were so terrible I couldn't countenance carrying on the marriage, for my sake, and for my child.'

Sell the house, take your share and never give this man another second of your time or money again.

I had one like this. So entitled, wanted the earth, was condescending about people who saved for stuff (like me), who worked hard (called them sheep), gambled, got in debt, didn't pay bills. For someone who thought he was so special he used to pull this shit about downsizing (even just renting a room!) to free up cash (that he would no doubt have spent). He wanted nothing for us. He would have seen me broken and us without food.

I finally ended it when my DS was 6 months old. It was hard going. But it would have been so much harder had my ex still been in the picture.

This man will drag you and your baby down. If you stay you will end up with nothing and your nerves will be shot. He does not love you. You are just a convenience until he finds someone else.

Wow, he is so financially abusive, as well as the emotional abuse, the gaslighting and the affair, that I am seriously shocked even though I've seen some very ugly stories on here.

Do not stay with him and do the downsizing. He will continue to rack up the debts and I'm pretty sure that you are jointly liable for them until you divorce (although hopefully there'll be someone to confirm that come along soon to the thread). There is nothing you can do to stop him wracking up these debts. At any point he can default on these debts and you'll have to keep paying. All of the money you saved up and the equity in the current house is going to disappear if you downsize now. Do not sell your current house until you get divorced, as this will at least protect the equity for the time being.

I’m sorry but I’m a bit suspicious of this post. If all you say is true then I’m very sorry I’m with everyone, get away fast. Did his mother say “poor you” sarcastically? Well that gives you all you need to know regarding the chances of this man ever coming good. You’re very young. Which may be why the comments made don’t seem to be sinking in. Why are you posting on here with vast posts describing a terrible mess but then replying you are so grateful but don’t know what to do? Listen to the advice. Of course you need to go to a solicitor why on earth are you countering that obvious suggestion? This man is a psychological mess. But that’s not all, he has created a mess which will always be there in your life, and is actually being deepened right now. This isn’t love it’s abuse. That’s if it’s all true that is…..good luck whether it is or not.

@thisisme3322 this is such an awful situation, but your last long litany of experience

He is a con man

I can't believe you are worried about 'leaving him with debt'. HE HAS RUN UP THE DEBT - not you. He can sell his massive fucking telly and his garden furniture if he is worried about debt. But he isn't.

I have learned that there are two types of people when it comes to debt. Those who can't stand it and will make sacrifices to get their finances straight and those who actually don't give a fuck and can happily sleep at night being in debt for £thousands. My DH is for the former, his brother is the latter - both to the extreme and it's quite a thing when you realise and see it.

Your H doesn't care about debt because someone will always 'fix it for him'. This time round it was you. DO NOT MAKE ANY MORE SACRIFICES FOR THIS CON MAN. You sound like a decent woman who has unfortunately been conned my a 'serial husband and father' and he will never change. THe love you feel will fade if you leave now and make a good life for you and your baby. If you stay, the misery, debt and infidelity (which is clearly going on by the way) will NEVER fade or stop. It really is as simple as that.

Oh gosh OP, this is a horrible relationship. He is at the very least taking advantage of you but some of what you describe sounds like financial abuse. It's very concerning that he insisted on you both marrying quickly. Honestly, none of these things are normal and reasonable in a relationship. I hope for you and your child that you can leave him and have a very different future. He will ruin your life and soon, that of your child. I have no sense from your messages that he cares about you at all. I don't know much about divorce and how finances will be split but I think it will depend on whether the debt is shared - e.g. a mortgage in both names, or personal, e.g. a credit card with just his name on the agreement. Please, please, get a lawyer and get out.

I feel sorry for you. You seem so decent and good, but if you stay with him then you will be an idiot. Just re read all the comments on here and stop looking for excuses for him. If you hadn't met him, you would be in a lovely home, no debt, with savings and security. You can't undo what is done unfortunately, and you will have your lovely baby, but you need to choose your future life for you and your child.

Why the holy fuck would you want to stay with this vile man, OP? Seriously, your standards are so low you'd have to scrape them off the floor. The moment you found out he lied about his age is the moment you should have got the hell out of that relationship. You cannot trust anyone who lies. Ever. Once you have caught someone in a lie, it's time to walk away.

This man will never, ever become the loving, trustworthy man you deserve. Never. Please get this into your head, secure your bank accounts, and initiate divorce proceedings - for your child's sake, if not your own.

He told me she had, had am affair and they had racked up debt together which was on his name and she left him with nothing

You know this is a lie, right? Even if she did have an affair, it was probably an 'exit affair', an act of desperation after being fed the same 'poor me' sorry that you're being fed now.

He was living at his Mum and Dad's and saving nothing really
We got somewhere to rent and I paid a lot of the stuff each month
during this time I managed to save 15k, again he saved nothing.
He then got the money from his Mum and Dad who gave us 30k toward the house however, with his debts he still had (I have no idea how) he paid around 15k of his Mum and Dad's money towards them.
he was working from home and was earning around 45k at the time (still no signs of putting into any savings)
He reports the debts he racked up were due to my engagement ring and a holiday we had to tenerife.
he decided to get a new lease car, which cost £750 per month which I did not know about. When I challenged him about the car he told me I was trying to control him and this is what happens with every single purchase
I never wanted to move into this big house we have as I would have been happy with a smaller one for less monthly payments however, he convinced me that it was a good deal.
Since being in the house he has continued to spend. On the first day a massive TV turned up on the door, he told me not to go mad at him as he wanted it and he earns enough money to be able to treat himself to the TV.
When we were sat waiting to get into he house he cut up the credit cards and vowed to be better financially
He has bought garden furniture for a ridiculous amount of money, he paid for outdoor lighting on the house which cost a lot, he has bought a laptop amoungst many other things for the house which I felt we did not need. Saying no to him is difficult and when I challenge him.he makes me feel bad and tells me I am unrealistic about finances and childish.
He has out 8k onto that. He bought a cot for the baby at 1k.
He makes.me feels like the debts are mine too as they are things for the house/baby and though I say no to them I have benefitted from them in a way.

My ex was a compulsive over-spender and narcissist like this guy. Some of it I saw, but a huge amount was hidden from me. The lies and gaslighting were overwhelming when I found out. He did the whole "I'm so sorry, I'm going to change routine" but the scales had fallen from my eyes and I saw him for the lying, gaslighting, emotionally abusive narcissist he is.

We separated, during which time he told me many of the same things about how I was controlling and he deserved to have nice things and anyway, he spent some of it on me (which I also never asked for and repeatedly expressed discomfort with) so I was just ungrateful.

As soon as he was out on his own again, he was back on the spending crack. New car. New 5-figure toys. All on credit. God pity the next woman who falls for the smoke and mirrors. He will leave nothing for our children but fortunately won't be able to leave them his debts.

I feel like if I walk away and leave him with the debts that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I don't feel I could handle it on my conscience. I feel like it would make me feel like a bad person.

IT WILL NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON but he is counting on you feeling like it does. His debt is due solely to a lifetime of his own irresponsible spending choices and short-sightedness. Even the fact that he routinely exploits other people for money has not kept him out of debt. You did not cause this and you can't fix it. And even if you let him have more money, in another decade he will be as deep or deeper in debt again. It will never end because he keeps finding other people willing to pay for his bad choices.

@thisisme3322 sent too early. That's post of yours detailing your experiences doesn't read like 6 years of married life where there is mutual respect, appreciation and love, it reads like a victim statement detailing 6 years with a con man. His actions show who he loves, himself! He will always come first, before you and before your child. 6 years isn't a huge investment of time to waste (not that it will be a waste, you've got a little one on the way and will have learned massively from this man so your future relationships will benefit) but another 40+ years of staying with him will certainly be a huge investment of life, and you only get one! From today it seems like a huge change, impossible to happen, but you'll look back on this in years to come from a more solid footing, and with a partner who reflects the respect and love you give back to you. The love you feel for this man after everything only shows that you have a kind heart, it doesn't mean anything with regard to him. Please don't forgive and forget, he's already shown he doesn't listen, learn or care about his mistakes as he doesn't see them that way and never will, he's been bailed out all his life and there are at least 4 women covering for his errors. Wish you all the best for you and your little ones future x

So he was married young he said, had one child with this women. He then had a one night stand which resulted in the second child. He said with the first marraige if was not right and he was young but he kept going back to her time and time again and she came off the pill without him knowing.
He does not see these two children. He said he has tried to reach out to then but they have not wanted to contact him.
The next marraige ended around 1.5 years before we met. He has 3 children with her who he was seeing as much as he could. We had bought our house already and they then moved 3 hours away so not really our fault with the moving.
He pays towards the 3 children he sees.

We dont have a joint bank account.
xxx