Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

That’s a lovely update, OP. Huge congratulations!

Congratulations on the baby, OP! I'm praying that she fills a gap in your life so that there's no space left for the ginormous spanner-in-the-works that is your (hopefully soon-to-be ex)"D"H.... and that you can use all your protective maternal instincts to shield you both from his toxic and destructive influence from now on.

Congratulations and wishing you continued strength.

Exactly that! She has filled a gap. As it is my first baby I couldn't have imagined these feeling whilst sat in isolation miserable. There has been a lot happened in between then such as having to drive myself to hospital when my waters had broke.
I will try to remember to update you all in a month's time.
xxx

Congratulations on your wonderful baby girl!

Oh piss off you bloody nutter. I doubt OP wants to cast a love spell to win this plonker back.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope you are doing ok and remember we are all here to support you through this. Keep up with the counselling and keep your wits about you,

Oh wow, what a story! I hope you're doing well @thisisme3322 💗
I'm 37 weeks pregnant with my 3rd and your little one came 3 weeks early- this could be the case for me, too.

You do sound lovely and strong.

I hope you're doing much better now and going to enjoy the summer ☀️ xxx

Z O M B I E alert!

Sorry OP, so many red flags. Your partner sounds very selfish, LTB. He has a problem with money and commitment. Why would you stay with him? Take the opportunity now.

FFS Zombie thread.

Hope you're doing well OP!

Oh my god. This dude does NOT deserve you. I wonder if he’s hiding even more shady shit.

please get out, for your sake and your child’s

This!

he’s not going to change on the ‘more debt’ front - don’t give him half the house money to continue to fuel his bad spending habits. Also protect your own income for you and baby. It breaks my heart to read you are at your mums with no money whatsoever

ZOMBIE with an update from OP

He is a complete liability. Divorce, protect you assets and ensure that any information you have isn’t being used to fund his debt ridden lifestyle. You are a nurse and are compassionate and it is in your nature to help and try to treat people but this is your and your baby future and you need to firstly protect yourself and your baby. Put yourself first and protect yourself.

”am I stupid or naive”

Yes.

And I can’t read!

I really don't know if anyone will read this update/if anyone actually wants an update but I'll write one out anyway.
My Daughter is now nearly 15 months old and she's my world. I can't thank her enough for saving me from this awful man!
Things got much worse after her birth. I moved into my Mum's full time staying in her spare bedroom which consisted of a single bed and my Daughter's next to me cot which I would have to climb over to get out of the door! We managed to make it work though and I'm grateful to my Mum for giving up her office space.
I spent 2 weeks of her life back at my house and he went out almost every night to 'wet the baby's head'...the baby he didn't care about. He was very unbearable to be around and extremely controlling. I would get so nervous about telling him that I had increased the oz of milk that she was having as he talk down to me (he is after all a baby expert, given that he has 6). When I started staying at Mum's he would text me so many abusive messages telling me I was stopping him from seeing his daughter, then when I would drive over an hour away to let him see her he would leave the house as soon as I came through the door. He wouldn't even acknowledge her and it was all a controlling stratergy to get me back where he could see me.
Unfortunately he became violent towards me. The first time he grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head against the wall. I ran outside in my nightie no shoes with my daughter in my arms. The police showed up as one of the neighbours had rang them. I denied everything and said it was a verbal argument but when the police checked everywhere I think they knew I was lying as the curtain pole had come of the wall in the scuffle. At that time I was so concerned that if social services knew they might take my daughter away, now this just seems silly!
All over Christmas whilst I was at my Mum's he was sending abusive messages to me saying that I was stopping him from seeing his daughter over Christmas. When I took her back to see him after Christmas he was violent towards me again and snapped my phone in half when I tried to call the police. I managed to get out to the neighbour's house and rang the police from there. I remember standing there shaking holding my daughter I was in a state of shock. The police arrested him but it was a he said/she said episode as there were no physical marks on me.
After the first episode I had already filed a Claire's Law report but was awaiting for this to come back. The police told me they have the right to disclose information on the spot if they see fit...and disclose they did. I couldn't believe that there had been a history of DV complaints against this man, one reported kicking a woman in the head multiple times.
Social services were then involved and whilst I was at Mum's they visited multiple times. They said that I should not take my daughter to see him again and if he wanted to see her it would have to be through them. He continued to send abusive messages to me telling me how I was stopping him from seeing her but would not go through social services as was advised to me.
I had to return to work when my daughter was 3 months old as I had to change jobs as I wouldn't be returning to that work place due to relocating. I started back doing 12.5 hour night shifts whilst looking after her on my own. He continued to financially abuse me during this time and I was paying half of his bills and half the mortgage for the 4 bedroom house he was staying in whilst we lived in Mum's spare room and he drove around in an brand new audi.
At the time he was continually blackmailing me and telling me if I didn't pay the bills and mortgage that he wouldn't pay his half and we would lose the house. I tried to get a solicitor but I didn't qualify for legal aid and I couldn't afford one.
I have done some counselling for a bit of PTSD after the episodes and I'm feeling much better.
Now more that a year on the house has finally sold and myself and my daughter are waiting to move into our own house. I have had a job promotion to sister and worked hard for this. My Daughter is thriving and continues to develop and change everyday. Our bond is unbreakable and she spures me along with her laughter through the tough times.
I hope someone sees this who is going through tough times and it inspires them to stay strong and continue. I haven't been this happy in years and though it can be tiring being a lone parent and working full time, it could be much worse...I could be stuck with this awful man.
My next mission is to divorce him and then get him to agree to change my Daughter's surname to mine. He does not see her and won't go through social services as instructed. He does not see any of his other children.
I also plan to start claiming child support from him as he doesn't send any money for her but he continues to still threaten me with various different things such as taking me to court or quiting his job so I won't get a lot of money.
We will see what the future brings. Even though I suspect there will be more battles to come I am much stronger now to handle them and reading back on my initial post makes me feel so sad for that version of me, no strength and no hope.

Thank you for all your advise and messages at the time, you have no idea how often I came back to this post to read through them to spure me along.

Xxx

I'm so pleased to see your update, OP! A huge 'well done' to you ‐what you have accomplished takes so much strength and courage. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a resourceful mum! Wishing you the very best of luck X

Very pleased to see your update, I am glad things are working out for you

Best of luck to you and your little one, you amazing lady. Sending you all good wishes going forward

So pleased about this update. Congratulations on the new role and the new home.
🙏🏾

You should be very proud of yourself OP. You have moved mountains to care for your child & yourself x not easy , keep going x x

This. It sounds like you are delusional about him. He will never make you truly happy and content. Can't you see this. Think about this OP, if you had a DD and she grew up and was seeing a man like this, what would you tell her? Think about then take your own advice. Bin him off. Divorce then start afresh with your DC. He will drag you into debt with him if you are married it becomes joint debt.