Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

You know he's no good. It's just about finding the courage to walk away. You will be glad you did.

This man will continue to bleed you dry. The fact he doesn’t like you challenging him when he overspends is just one of MANY red flags. This man is never, ever going to change. Don’t be foolish in feeling sorry for him because he’s feeling down. He fucked up and clearly that’s hitting him. But just because he wants to change/feels bad blah blah blah.. doesn’t mean that he will. You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak and an incredibly bleak future if you stay with him. Walking away now and starting afresh is the best thing you can do not just for yourself but your child too. Your future self will thank you for it, I guarantee it.

Think about the possibility of STDs, @thisisme3322

That is,
Sexually
Transmitted
Debts

You still feel guilty if you leave him with the debt he has racked up plus cheating on you !! I think nothing you read on here will make you change your mind . So continue to bail him out , show your child how to be weak and trodden on . Sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s the situation you keep yourself in

you should feel more bothered about the example you show child than of the low life he is . Your way to good for him but you need to know this yourself. Google co dependant

And if you can't get angry that he's stealing all this money from you (and the debt is also stealing your future money), get angry that he's stealing it from your child and his other children!

And stop talking to his mother, she is part of the abuse.

Ok OP, let's think about your bright and positive future. First things first: housing. Move back into your house and throw him out. Could you get someone to stay with you for a bit to make sure he's gone (such as your mum or a sibling)?

Secondly: baby plan. Who will be your birth partner/drive you to hospital etc? What sort of support can you draw on in the early days and weeks (friends, relatives etc)? This is the time to use your network as much as you possibly can.

Thirdly: think about what you want out of life. Where would you like to live longterm - is it closer to your mum or would you rather stay put? If you move, does that mean changing job? As a nurse you're in a very strong position with this. What options for childcare do you have? What sort of house could you afford on your own and what's your wishlist?

Fourth: start divorce proceedings/sell the house. There is no rush for this step and I would personally leave it until the baby is at least 3 months old.

He is a liar and you will have no life with him. Make a break and go it alone you can move forward without him He is a waste of space

@thisisme3322 you sound lovely and decent and your life could be so great, except this poor excuse for a man is wrecking it.

So many alarm bells.... he doesn't see 2 of his children (there is no excuse for this). He lied to you about a wife. He lied to you about 2 children. He has big debts that he can't explain (and lies to you about them). He uses your hard-earned money to pay of HIS debts and to fund his lifestyle. He happily takes money from you, and expects you to work extra hours. He lies about what he spends money on. He blames you for things that are entirely his fault. He tells you he doesn't want your baby. The list goes on and on.

Without him, you had a lovely home, savings in the bank. Control over your life and finances.

Being with him has left you without those savings and with debts to your name. Don't feel guilty for a second about 'leaving him' with debts. They are his debts. His fault. You've already lost money to him. You've already dug him out of financial holes to your own detriment. Don't give him a penny more. Think of it this way - who desserves your money more, him or your unborn child?

Please seek some legal advice, tell them what you've told us, and make plans to extracate yourself from this man. He has used you. Your life will be 1000 times better without him. And much better for your child for this to happen now, rather than for him to pick them up and drop them, or completely ignore them, once they are aware of it.

Congratulations on your forthcoming baby and I'm sorry your DH is so callous towards you, instead of supportive and preparing a life for you as a family.
You do not deserve this
I suspect his 'depression' is fear that he may lose his gravy train.
Do not pay his debts. They're in his name not yours and will remain his should you divorce( I know this as factual)
I would not make any future joint plans with him.
I understand why your holding onto Hope that he will change, I'm sorry but this is who he is.
Look at his past, It's an indicator of how he will treat you.
He even ignored your request to stop spending and ran up more debts
Stay at your Mums and concentrate on yourself and your baby
Surround yourself with support You've given all your headspace
He doesn't deserve any more

As @GeorgiaGirl52 said:
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months.
Are you sure you are even actually married?

You can do a search online to make sure he was divorced from BOTH wives. Don’t just check the second as if he wasn’t divorced from 1st his subsequent “marriages” would be bigamous.

You wouldn’t be leaving him because he had cancer and you couldn’t be bothered with illness, or because he lost his job and you couldn’t deal with him job hunting for a few months. Those things would be pretty crappy. You’d be leaving him because he bought a £3.5k TV that he didn’t need, furniture you’d already sorted out in a way that is within your means (and environmentally responsible!), and he keeps on making major purchases without your consent. Sure, you “benefit” from them, but you also PAY for them, and paying for them hurts you far more than the joy you get from them (if any).

I would argue that if your best plan is to work overtime with a new baby and “squirrel money away” without him knowing, your mariage is already over.

I would argue that if your best plan is to work overtime with a new baby and “squirrel money away” without him knowing, your mariage is already over.

As I understand it that money would be a joint asset and he could be due a big chunk of it if they divorce.

He has 5 kids, 2 he doesn't see, has been married before, but didn't tell you. He spends money he doesn't have, that you've worked incredibly hard for. The woman on the end of those messages is not a friend, she's an exit affair. There's an often used phrase on MN's , when someone shows you who they are, believe them. This man leaves a trail of destruction in his wake. I wouldn't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I know this is hard to hear but for your sake and the sake of your child, get rid of him. You have a good job and a supportive family. You don't need him. And stop talking to his mother, she's his enabler.

He is a total disaster, OP. He’s dishonest, selfish, irresponsible and determined to live off you. Please get away from him.

1. Stop sending money 2. Retrieve any money you can from joint accounts, clear them out. 3. Get a separation documented so further debt is not in your name 4. Trigger divorce process 5. Breathe 6. Enjoy your baby with family support and give them your surname 7. I imagine go for as much in a financial settlement as you can 8. Grey rock and try co parenting on your terms

Where is your anger OP?

To be frank, you have been incredibly naive and continue to be so if you think this plan to downsize with him is going to work!

Why on Earth do you think he will change? HE WON'T

You have thrown money at him which he has lapped up... you need to change your behaviour.

Wise up ffs

What do your family think of all this?

I feel like if I walk away and leave him with the debts that is something I have to live with for the rest of my life and I don't feel I could handle it on my conscience. I feel like it would make me feel like a bad person.

OP,

Yes, there's a definite theme of "good person/bad person" coming out of your posts, OP.

Obviously if this was a reliable, loving man you'd never dream of leaving him high and dry.

However, that's a bit like saying you wouldn't dream of stabbing someone in an alleyway. But if they were attacking you and your child and obviously planning to leave you for dead, you might have second thoughts about what is the right thing to do.

I think you have to reframe your view of this entire situation. He doesn't love you. He just bleeds you dry, and the only reason he hasn't waltzed off in search of his next victim is that you work so hard to keep things going that there are still a few drops to wring out of you.

This!

This man sees you as a banker and housekeeper, treats you appallingly and insults you, is no doubt shagging around on top of failing to disclose previous relationships and offspring.

Get out now whilst you can!

Pema Chodron has written and talked about how to deal when it feels like the rug is pulled out from under your feet. Highly recommend.

That's a lot OP, sending strength.

I don't understand why you feel bad about leaving him when he was going to leave YOU. At Christmas. With a baby. After taking all your money. It was a plan, he's already found his next 'victim', this new woman who's being wined and dined on the money you keep giving him. Did you ever ask him what he did with his salary every month? Is he a gambler? 6 children, 3 wives, what a prize, you deserve better

I get it it’s hard to make a decision when you love him and are heavily pregnant. Sell the house and start again without him. If he wants you he will prove himself. You need him to do that. He needs to change.Having been with someone who lies and buries his head I know how it feels. He probably hasn’t told his own mum the truth. You gave him £550 did he even pay debts etc or just have a great night out? Why are you working to pay his debts? As a nurse you must be a caring person he probably knows you care to much. He probably knows you will let him do it. Again and again. Get yourself some counselling and make a plan for you and your baby. Personally I would be tempted to go back to the house and kick him out. Is the debt in his name? It sounds like he brings you a lot of stress and not much else?

@SweetLittlePixie beat me to it

Protect your child and yourself.

He has lied to you every day since you met him.

Block his Mum