Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

I am seeing a counsillor tomorrow, I am very much looking forward to making some positive changes for myself to hopefully be stronger for the baby.

His Mum text me tonight telling me to go back home and fight for my man. I have blocked her. I can not bring myself to communicate with her at the moment as she drains me.

I keep looking ahead to this time next year when I will hopefully be independent from him and be settled somewhere with the baby. But at the same time I know I must face what is happening now and find the strength to make the right steps to make that happen.

xxx

Wow. You absolute star. Proud of you for making these first moves away from him, @thisisme3322 and you will learn to love and cherish the life you and your baby deserve. I'm so happy to read your update. Get on board with the script from ChumpLady and prepare for a whole load of manipulation and further abuse. You have taken your first step towards the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep facing it and don't look back x

Well done, OP, well done!

How dare his Mum send such a message!

She should be ashamed of the son she has raised.

Horrendously painful as this is for you, you are taking steps in the only direction that will eventually make life a lot less painful.

I hope you find the counselling helpful.

Good.

Remember whilst he’s with you, he’s not her problem. He’ll have to go back to mummy and she doesn’t want him.

Good luck. He’s made you feel that you’re the problem. You haven’t done anything wrong and gone beyond for this relationship.

'Fight for my man'. Is she quite mad? I suppose he must have got it from somewhere.

Have you seen the divorce papers from his first marriage, OP?

Counselor or solicitor?

You need both.

You are feeling bad for thinking about leaving a thief and a cheater.

You need to wake up and start getting angry, and take action to protect yourself.

Reducing debt by selling up and downsizing is not protecting yourself. It's walking around with a big fat Kick Me sign on your butt.

And he's a bully too - he's trying to tell you you'll lose everything if you leave, that all the money will end up in his account.

HIRE A SOLICITOR.
You need to repudiate the debt he has racked up or your life will be blighted for years, and so will your baby's.

He just lies and lies and lies doesn’t he? It must make you doubt everything.

at least one thing is clear though - there is nothing worth saving,because none of it was real.

good luck OP, you will be just fine without this financial and emotional drain.

If the house is in joint names the cheque is in joint names once you start a divorce the solicitors keep the money until it’s agreed a spit

Well done on seeing a counselor and blocking his mum.
When you have the chance, please read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft
Also watch Dirty John and Tinder Swindler.

Well done OP. Very well done indeed. You’ve taken the first steps towards your new happy, healthy, debt-free and leech-free life.

Do get legal advice please. This waste of space has drained enough of your resources already. Don’t let him have the chance to pilfer any more.

@thisisme3322 Good luck with your counselling session. You also need to see a lawyer ASAP. Please understand that you have been in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. It’s going to take a long time and careful work to unpick the harm that has been done to you.

As an intensive care nurse, you’re a professional rescuer who fights for people when they’re at their most sick and vulnerable. No doubt you have seen amazing things but also some heartbreaking things. You’re clearly a fabulous person.

But you carried your rescuing instincts into your relationship with this man and that’s not how it should be. Sure partners have each other’s backs but in a healthy relationship one partner doesn’t endlessly give while the other endlessly takes. That’s what’s happening here.

As for fighting for this man - firstly, you need to fight to keep him gone.

Secondly, you’ve been fighting for him from the word go - handing over your extremely hard-earned cash to bail him out of debt even though he was a decade older than you and earned a lot more than you and was also being supported by his parents, giving up a cottage you loved to bail him out of debt, working crazy hours to bail him out of debt, accepting a rushed marriage so he could tie you to his debt, getting pushed into an extravagant house purchase you didn’t want and holidays you didn’t want, only to have him lie to you about how many children he has and no doubt many other things, spend ridiculous sums on luxury items you don’t need and can’t afford on the basis that he’s entitled to it, bully you when you try to raise concerns, threaten to keep the money from your house sale, possibly have an affair, tell you he’s leaving you - when you’re pregnant with his child ie at a time when he should be at his most caring and supportive. All you’ve ever done is fight for him. Stop fighting for him now.

There is nothing to fight for here - this man goes through life draining women dry and is a blight on your life and will be a blight on your child’s life if you stay with him.

If your parents know the full story they must be at their wits’ end.

Please make this the end of the relationship. Read Lundy Bancroft and please also read Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. I think that will be eye-opening for you.

His Mum text me tonight telling me to go back home and fight for my man

His Mum needs psychological help.

And while I don't blame Mums for everything, one does have to consider that she has raised this twice married, 5 (soon to be 6 kids) by 4 different mother's, lying, (extremely likely to be cheating), debt wracking, using, parasitic, unstable, Jeremy Kyle contestant fuck up of a person. It wouldn't be an exaggeration to call him evil. At the very least he has a personality disorder of significant proportions.

And she's raised him, well let's just say that's not her fault, but supporting him, lying for him and manipulating his latest victim is most definitely her fault. She is not trustworthy, not respect worthy and almost as bad as him.

Oh and I can think of few people less worth fighting for.

P.s. I'm so sorry to say it but I think there's a nearly 100 per cent chance he's been fucking the woman who said she was looking forward to seeing him on his golf trips, overnights, time away etc.

Protect your money and don't give him any more of it.

He is the kind of person who would destroy someone.

Oh and you realise his Mum wants you with him, because if it doesn't work out with his latest side piece; he's back on her hands, scrounging off her.

(Where I have no doubt he's been several times before during his extremely chequered relationship and financial history).

She wants rid of him, she wants to manipulate someone she thinks is soft and foolish enough to keep him off her hands.

And this is a truly great post and summary.

Great post @Dery.

OP, you have been sucked into the most extraordinarily abusive relationship, financially and emotionally.

You desperately need to protect yourself legally.

You need to do this for your unborn child.

This man is utter scum that will drag you into the gutter from where he came.

Keep his mother permanently blocked.

Thanks, @LemonDrop22 and @billy1966 !

Well done op for taking a first step and also blocking the crazy mom. I liked this from @TugboatAnnie don't understand why you feel bad about leaving him when he was going to leave YOU. At Christmas. With a baby. After taking all your money. It was a plan, he's already found his next 'victim', this new woman who's being wined and dined on the money you keep giving him

Highly recommend re-reading these words, letting it sink, this thread, every time you need to feel stronger.

It’s funny how mums always turn it around to be the wife’s fault. My sister’s MIL told her he’d come back if she dressed nicely and made herself look pretty 😵.

He should be the one fighting for you!

Is 'fight for your man' ever used in other circumstances than when referring to an OW? Your MIL knows the friend is not a friend.

Was that really the MIL sending that message or was it you H or STBXH sending the message?

glad you blocked her she will always (rightly) be on her sons side

He has lied to you from Day 1

You think that all these issues are only for the last few months.

The red flags have been flying from the day you met.

You feel responsible for his debts because he makes you feel responsible.

You aren’t.

He had debts when he met you. Those debts were paid off by his parents money not his savings or any of his own input and now you have new debts.
Has he ever taken responsibility beyond servicing the minimum payments to actually tackle his debts or has it always been other

people who hand him money to

pay off the debt.

He chose to spend £1000 on a cot when you wanted a £400 one.

He chose to spend money on a tv, when you had a perfectly good one, he chose to lease a car for £750 per month. Buy a lap top an engagement ring, a holiday. If he couldn’t afford it then why spend it.

You never asked him to.

If he bought all these things then when you divorce they can be part of his divorce settlement You will take the cash

I have seen this type of behaviour before and the buying things to make the other person help pay the debts off is a red herring.

Look at where he is really spending money and you might find a gambling, drugs or porn habit.

I think your husband has always seen you as a cash machine.
It won’t matter what you do or how hard you work or how many times you work all the hours in the day to pay off his debts (and they are his debts not yours) There will always be more debts and more debts till you drop dead at 65 from stress and lack of self care or you walk away. Grab as much money from the divorce as you can. You might end up with the house or at least a lot more than 50% as you have a child to look after

Get as many statements from his credit cards and loans and current account as you can to show how he spends money.
i would put the sale of the house on hold if he is saying he is going to take the lot.
Get a divorce and walk away.

Stop giving him money as you are not helping him in the long run.
You are just putting off the inevitable and he is taking you down with him.

Frame it in your mind that every penny you give him to pay a debt is a penny less that your baby will get spent on them.

I would also recommend you take the freedom programme

it will save you a lot of time and heartache in the future if you get targeted by another loser who burns through money and expects everyone else to stop their life to pay off his debts

Well done op , very proud of you . Keep going and you’ll make yourself proud and show your child how to be strong . You will have a much better life and relationship with your child without him in your life dragging you down . Please be careful tho , he thinks you will go back and believe his words , when he realises your not , he will either get angry or love bomb you or both . Don’t fall for it

@thisisme3322 - Thought of you today when I read this quote. Hope it went well with the counsellor.

“When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.”
Diane Von Furstenberg