Debt, secret marriage and children, possible affair - 37 weeks pregnant and overwhelmed with husbands confession

[thisisme3322]

Hello everyone,
This is a bit of a long post so bare with me please as I really need some help.
Been with my husband for 6 years, only married for 8 months. I am 37 weeks pregnant with my first baby and what I thought was his 4th but turns out to be his 6th!
He had been acting suspicious for about 3 weeks, he was going out with his friends for a few weekends in a row and staying out last minute. He was being really distant from me and made some quite nasty comments about not being attracted to me anymore whilst I was pregnant. I have not even put on excessive weight and nothing about me has changed, I have remained pretty much size 8-10 with a bump.
Prior to this he had been loving to me, talking to my bump and sending me quite long loving text messages about how I am the best thing that ever happened to him and he is so excited to be a family.
Then all of a sudden a quick turn around.

He told me one weekend he was going golfing then returned with his golf clothes immaculate. He ended up staying out that night and not texting me until around 11pm to let me know he was staying at his friend's as he had drank too much. I was at the time just pleased he wasn't attempting to drive home whilst a bit tipsy so thought nothing of it.

But as he started to become more distant from me, not as loving and not as affectionate I became worried. He then told me he was meeting his friend again the following weekend and was staying out again. I have had Hyperemesis and had just come out of hospital 2 days before and I was hoping for a little TLC so I felt let down about him going out again.
He also made me drive myself into hospital (1 hour away) when they asked me to go in for fluids when ordinarily he would not do this! He often even insists on driving me to the shop let alone hospital! I felt so alone.

Anyway, as the week passed I just became increasingly worried about his behaviour and I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone. I found a message from a women saying she couldn't wait to see him on Wednesday. He had told me he was going away for work on Wednesday, not staying overnight but just away for the day (he works from home). The chat was an end to end encrypted chat which I now believe means that only the two people on the chat can see and it stops it from popping up on your phone. All other messages had been deleted. Just this one message from her.
I confronted him about it and he then proceeded to tell me that, that was just his friend but whilst I mention it he was planning on leaving me after Christmas as he is so unhappy. He had been sending me loving messages and so loving towards me up until about 3 weeks before. I was ultimately left feeling confused.
He then told me he feels he can't ever talk to me and that I don't even know him. He then confessed that he has 2 other children that I don't know about (different Mum's) and that he had been married previously. When we met I already knew he had been married before and had 3 children but did not know about the 1st marriage until this point.
He does not see the first 2 children.
He then said to me that he didn't even think he wanted our baby and was just in denial. Bearing in mind he has a vasectomy reversal so we could have our baby so we were very actively planning this pregnancy.
When asked about the other women he insisted that it is just his friend who he has been back in touch with for 4 months and that she has basically been a shoulder for him to cry on. The end to end encryption was on the messages as her husband is funny with her talking to other men. He said he is devastated that I dont trust him. Am I stupid to give him the benefit of the doubt with this?

Anyway, I rang his Mum in shock as I wanted to know if she knew about the other 2 children and marriage. It turns out everyone knows other than me. I also spoke to her about him saying he was unhappy and me feeling so confused as I don't quite understand why. She said she knows him and knows he wouldn't have an affair and knows how much he loves me. She said she also had spoke with him when I was in hospital and he was really concerned about me (he did not show this to me).

When we first got together he told me his ex wife left him with a lot of debt. I worked a lot of overtime to help him pay it off and told him how much I hate debt. It was my aspiration to own a house so I wanted to help him repair his credit score which we successfully did. We got a mortgage around a year ago and went into the house debt free. Since then he has spent so much money and we are in a crazy amount of debt, maybe to the tune of 30k. If I try to talk to him about unnecessary purchases he feels I am controlling him. I have had to work all the way through my preganancy whilst sick to help pay the cards off. Again, because I hate debt I just want things paid off quickly. I am so tired and exhausted and he doesn't seem to mind me working overtime! Another reason I was upset about him going out 2 weekends in a row was because I had worked overtime shifts all month and sent him £550 extra to pay towards things for him to just go out drinking with friends. He said he needs to have his own life too and doesn't like to be challenged about money.

So, I am currently staying at my Mum's in her tiny single bed box room. I have no money as I have sent it all to him. My heart is completely broken at a time I should feel love and happiness expecting my first baby. I feel completely let down.
I have been back home to talk things through with him and he wants to try to make things work. He says he is depressed and going through some kind of crisis. He said he never told me about the other 2 children or marriage as he feels I deserve better.
When we met I was 25 and he was 36. I was completely single, no children and had just moved out of my Mum's house after completing my degree.

I feel I can't leave him with all this debt and just give up on us my marriage and being a family.

We have decided to sell our current house, downsize the mortgage and pay all the debts off. I have asked him not to create more debt after this as I can't do anymore overtime, I am exhausted.
I worked all the way through covid as a nurse on intensive care and saved up 25k for our house deposit, his Mum and Dad gave him 30k (some of which went to his debt).
So the plan is to try to make it work for a year in the new house, debt free and at least able to support me with the baby.
I have been at my Mum's most of the week and only going back to stay one night to talk things through. He looks like a shell of the man I knew, he is just so numb and doesn't have any feelings or feel joy or excitement. I feel he is depressed. I feel sorry for him. Am I stupid and naive to feel this?
He is not showing me any love or affection - he does not even put kisses on my texts. I am so so so so lonely and feel completely overwhelmed eith how much my life has changed in a fee weeks.
I worry that the other women is just his friend and I have jumped to conclusions. What if he is depressed and going through something, I should not leave him alone at this time.
I have told him that I will return at the weekend and said I am here for him if he needs me. Told him not to just sit around being sad.
Am I being a mug?
Sorry for the lengthy post and jumbled up wording of everything. It sort of reflects my mind at present. Not sure what I am looking for maybe I just needed to get that all off of my chest.

xxx

(hopefully away from...)

Check out “Women Who Love Too Much” by Robin Norwood. I think it will speak to you.

Needs to be repeated..

''Don't hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it."

I think there is another one, too ''Sunk cost fallacy'' ?
And ''Don't throw good money after bad''.

@thisisme3322
''Women who love to much'' ..A very good book that helped the scales fall from my eyes when I too was dating a user.

It's a hugely helpful book.

You are worth so much more than this feckless partner.

OP I mean this kindly but you are being deeply naive. He has a track record of overspending and debt over many years but somehow you believe that selling your house and using the money to pay off his debt will (this time!) be the secret to making him change his ways? The definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I know you wanted a different life but this is the one you have got. You are indeed at a crossroads. One where the path you take could make things worse or where you have a chance to turn your life around. Please choose the right path. The life you want doesn't exist with this man.

He sounds like my DS's exDP she racked up debts (with a poor me story of an ex partner, and her twin sister taking advantage.
She went all distant with him after he made her sign a legal agreement to pay back what she had "borrowed" from him.
Within 3 months she was engaged to a merchant banker, and had moved to Switzerland.
The merchant banker recently contacted DS on Facebook, unfortunately for him he was much, much wealthier than DS and didn't have a legal background.
OP he won't change, please don't waste your life, your love, and your money on such a user.
He only likes you as long as you can bankroll him and the sad thing is that he does the same to his family who love him too.
He is deeply flawed, for your sake and your childs sake, do not go back there x

Don't be upset. BE ANGRY!

Get a ball busting divorce lawyer.
Get yourself tested for STI's.
Get your finances separate.
Get your baby the honest lifestyle it deserves.

I am so sorry OP that you have had to endure all of this. I am going to be blunt.

I cannot fathom staying with this man. The constant worry about him building up debt and spending frivolously would put my mental health at risk constantly. That sense of insecurity while facing having a new child to raise is too much. Money was an issue when it was just you two, but with added expense of a child? You are playing Russian roulette with not just your life but also your child's by staying with this man in my opinion. Moreover, you sound to have been working like a dog, financing him, making plans for your future stability and he has been undermining it at every turn. Love is great, but it doesn't conquer all. I couldn't trust a partner who had lied consistently to me, had hidden children and debt. The callous way he was planning to leave and he made comments about not being attracted to you anymore when you are pregnant are just terrible. His nonsense about you 'controlling him' when you want to be financially responsible like an adult in a real marriage is the worst kind of gas lighting.

You are about to have a child. No matter how much you love him, you have to put your and your childs future first. Can you really live with the uncertainty of him running up more debt or deciding to leave you at the drop of a hat? His promises don't seem worth much to me. You need to be selfish and look after yourself and the innocent kid you are expecting.

I second contacting his ex wife, I bet she has a very different version of events to the one he’s given you. My DSis was married to a serial liar, he had been divorced previously and had a child, he told my DSis his ex was a money grabber, too much pressure on him etc. It turned out he had cheated on his Ex that’s why they split, he then cheated several times on my DSis (after they married and had a child). He went on to marry another woman and again had a child, cheated on her and they split. He’s now with someone else, he’s 60 but will never change. Once a liar always a liar and never takes any responsibility for his actions and that’s without all the money problems you’ve been dealing with which sound horrendous and no not everyone gets into debt! It must be so hard to hear but your life will be so much easier and calmer without this man in it and although it’s really hard as you are pregnant much better to split now before your DC knows any different.

This sounds like an awful situation to be in, but I do respect your desire not to just cut and run from your marriage. Have you considered asking him to go to relationship counseling with someone like Relate? I found having an external person to mediate and help us communicate better was really useful when my marriage hit a bumpy patch (although tbh not on the same scale) a few years back. It might help or it might not change anything, but at least you'd know you gave it every chance you could.

I think this man has exploited you, and your good nature! Really as others here have said I dont think you have a future with this man.It really is such a hard time for you with being pregnant as well.When you can speak to a Solicitor . They will be able to advise you properly .He has numerous DC with different women and is looking at another woman possibly ,spending your hard earned OT on weekends out ,and running up debts! You probably feel in shock ATM .Talk to your DM and I bet those other 2 women of his would have a tale to tell! Ask yourself this : Would you want to be back here explaining how hes spent all this money,you have a second child to think of ,and you are in debt/losing your home.Or not here with a new RL/or on your own but debt free ,happy with your LO a place of your own and no one digging into your funds! Think you know the answer (No need to phone a friend!)

I feel so sorry for all the innocent children in this.

I feel so sad for you.
No lengthy advice other than you have to cut ties for sanity's sake and for your baby to have a happy childhood.
He is lord admiral of the red flag fleet. Get rid.

He told me that when we sell uo the money will go into his account automatically. Is this true?

No. Why would it be? The house belongs to both of you. And your liability for his debts will depend on various factors.

But OP, this is why you MUST get legal advice, and well before your house sells.

I am really frightened for you.

Just read back your post about all your finances, your savings, his spendings, his debt. Add up how much of other people’s money (yours, his parents) he has spent.

He will ruin you. The proceeds of the house MUST go into your respective bank accounts according to your share of ownership. If the money goes into his account you will never see a penny. Can’t you see how he is lying, in order to get your money?

If you start divorce proceedings you may well end up with a bigger share of the house equity because you have a child to house and because you earn less.

Talking to a lawyer does not commit you to anything, it gives you legally accurate advice about where you stand on house ownership, right to equity, how much if his debt you are liable for. And you need that because he is lying to you. Deliberately.

OP, please, I beg you, do not sign anything to do with selling the house until you have taken legal advice. Your conveyancing solicitor will ask you to fill in a form about where the proceeds of the sale go. Do not let your H fill this in on his own!

I know you are hurt, reeling and upset, OP, and all this must be hard to hear. But you were right to post, and the posters who have replied have bitter experience and your interests at heart!

All of this, completely! It’s like watching a car crash with OP in the passenger seat and her DH in the driving seat, about to wreck her life.

He is 36 with 2 ex wives, 6 children, 2 he hid and a 7th on the way and recurrently gets into debt and he won't take any responsibility for money.

This.

If you met a man and this was in his tinder bio / he told you this on a first date, would you go on a date with him? I hope not.

Now you know, treat the idea of continuing a relationship with him in the same way.

It's not viable, it won't make you happy and it certainly isn't in the best interests of your child.

You'd be foolish to stay with him if you had no kids.

You'd be irresponsible to stay with him now you do have kids.

Sorry OP he's made you his cash cow and you've enabled it. You need to leave and make sure the debt is in his name only. Please don't let him drag you down

The money will go into whatever account the solicitors you instruct are told to put it in.

YOU need to take control of the process here. Don’t feel guilty about this idiot’s debts - he doesn’t deserve your concern.

I echo other PPs in saying get good legal advice asap and then FOLLOW IT! If your ex puts the property on the market, make sure you contact the conveyancing solicitor and tell him or her exactly what you want to happen. Then write to them and repeat it.

When my exW and I sold up, the solicitor split the proceeds between our accounts. They’ll do the same with you if you tell them that’s what’s to happen.

I left my husband over a financial indiscretion while 7 months pregnant. A minor lie that broke the camel's back. I was a very high risk pregnancy and our baby nearly died at birth. Near miss sepsis and lung issue. A decade later I have no regrets about leaving him, and raised both our children as a single parent. He is still seeing them, but his personal life is so much of an unstable car crash that I have sole custody. Debt, swinging, dogging, OLD, dodgy mates, lies and more lies about all sorts, constant social problems, not promoted at work due to behaviour, anger, bullying...it does not get better when they are like this. You can form a new life, just like I have. I stayed single for a long time, and eventually met someone good and stable. You need a solicitor and in his sort of debt, he won't be able to fund a decent one to fight you. As a victim of domestic violence (you are financially and emotionally abused), you may get legal aid (ask women's aid). You have equal rights over the house and a solicitor couldn't give him all the money upon completion. You can do a spousal charge on the property for free via the land registry. You say you love him but how about love yourself? And the baby? All that money spent on this loser could go on your child and their future? I doubt this man will fight you over custody given his track record, and he will rumble on to the next sucker to mooch off. It is time to get out of disney fantasy and rescuer mode and realise you are a parent to be, and the only decent parent in this child's future life. If you don't have the courage to leave him for you, do it for your child. He doesn't care about you and has had secret children he doesn't see. His family encourage you because you fund him, and they hope you will remedy or rescue him. They are being selfish and not wanting to take him on themselves. So why should you be social worker to a feckless abusive leech? He should nurture and protect you are this vulnerable time. Talk to your midwife and she can give extra support. He doesn't help you because he is a user, selfish and a nasty piece of work who sees people as objects to manipulate. You won't change him, so change you and stop letting him walk all over you and your child.

This is a harsh thing to say, but staying with him will have a terrible impact on your child and that will make you a bad mother, making bad decisions because of your guilt. You need therapy to prevent this level of guilt when you and your future child are being abused by this lowlife.

My goodness OP. I have not often read of a woman so used mercilessly by a man. He has sadly taken you for an absolute fool. You sound lovely. Kind, generous, hard-working and self-sacrificing. Which makes it so much harder for you to believe someone you love could be so calculating, selfish, cruel and thoughtless- particularly towards your undeserving self. He is riding rough shod all over you. Has sent you to work long hours and taken your pay, caused you to leave your cottage, share your savings, and cruelly squandered your chance of happiness with an equal, loving husband. He's despicable.

Your baby does not need you to live together or for you to keep dad out of debt. Your baby needs a sensible parent who can hold a job, budget, keep consistent shelter, love, provide and care for them. His track record is 0%. Zero. He consistently fails his children. I would love to help you. But you need to
Help yourself and this baby. Step up to fighting for the most you can claw back, to
Be a brilliant single parent. I've no doubt you can do it. And don't be embarrassed to be taken for a mug. He took advantage of your kind heart.

OP - please read and re-read @CaptainMum’s post - she has absolutely nailed it.

Am I being a mug?

Yes x 1000000.

I’m not saying that to be mean but reading your posts are shocking for two reasons:

• that he is such an absolute waste of space who has treated you so very badly
• that you don’t seem angry about it and still believe what he says when his actions are the opposite

Please really digest the advice you’ve had on here by PP. See a solicitor.

A year on you won't have saved more money because he will have accrued more debt which you will also be liable to pay as you are his wife. If you both own the house you can just tell the lawyer that your half will be going into your account and he will have to listen. Everything else is BS.

I know a case where the wife took at least her half but it was after he had completely re-mortgaged and got 75% for his "business investment" and depts and now he is asking the court in their settlement for her share simply to pay their "joined" (his) debt because he amassed it "for the family".

Gosh OP, he sounds like the absolute ultimate definition of flakey-as-fuck.

Nothing good can come out of staying with him. He has already caused you immense suffering and hardship. I feel like punching him on the nose just for a fraction of what he's done to you.

You mentioned I am good to him and I did feel loved by him.
Do you feel you have to be "good" to earn love and respect?
I'm afraid this gutless parasite bound to look favourably upon anyone who is prepared to help him along his path of destruction.

I've been involved with similar men in the past, and I promise you they don't actually know how to love anyone but themselves.
You are just fuel for his reckless life.
You've lost enough already.

If you stay, bit by bit everything you long for and work so hard for will just go up in smoke, and he will hardly even notice. He won't thank you for it, and when you get mad about it he will go off and find his next victim. Let him do that now. The sooner he lets you start rebuilding your life, the better.