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Original poster

Partner stayed out all night

118 replies

Lslm857 · 18/09/2022 07:05

My partner went on a work night out last night, text me maybe 3 times all night with just single messages and I would reply immediately and get no response. He then text me at 1.45am to say he was at someone from works house 40 minutes from here. It’s now 7am and he’s not home.

We have a 6 month old, and I asked him not to go overboard so that he was still functional today as he’s working away from Monday to Thursday and he was out all day on Saturday.

I feel really annoyed at him, but do I have reason to be?

OP posts:
jesusjoan · 18/09/2022 12:48

FairyHannie · 18/09/2022 12:44

Get yourself and your little one ready and go out for the rest of the day (and night if you can)

Yes this, and don't even bother texting his friends, that's for him to deal with. Just go, don't leave a note, turn your phone off (let a friend or family know you're OK though first before turning off phone) and basically let him get a taste of his own medicine. Actions rather than words at this stage.

And as other poster says, just turn up home again like it's no big deal when you feel like it.

Upwiththelark76 · 18/09/2022 12:54

Let’s some perspective .
He went out . Got drunk . Stayed over at someone’s house . This does not mean he has cheated on you . It means he’s a knob for leaving you holding the baby but that’s it at this stage .

whynotwhatknot · 18/09/2022 12:56

what a charmer-dont entertain his guests just leave him to it-if he can swan off why cant you

beachcitygirl · 18/09/2022 12:59

Im so sorry but i woupd immediately assume drugs or sleeping with someone else.

isthismylifenow · 18/09/2022 13:00

Hope you have decided to go out today OP.

There is no way in hell I would be preparing for his guests under these circumstances. Just send him one last message saying as per pp suggested, you are going out and don't forget that xyz are coming over.

Then tell him not to message you again either.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 18/09/2022 13:00

Upwiththelark76 · 18/09/2022 12:54

Let’s some perspective .
He went out . Got drunk . Stayed over at someone’s house . This does not mean he has cheated on you . It means he’s a knob for leaving you holding the baby but that’s it at this stage .

Let’s get some perspective: He cheated on his ex. He then disclosed to the OP that he had actually cheated multiple times, and then the next day he went out, got drunk, stayed out all night without telling the OP.

I think that based on his history it’s unlikely that he didn’t cheat.

deeperthanallroses · 18/09/2022 13:03

I would go out and go somewhere else today but we’ve got people coming over this afternoon, who are primarily his friends and I’m now the one getting the house ready for them.
oh my god just pack baby’s bag and go out! Agree that maybe you should come back tomorrow. You’re not his housekeeper to make sure the house is ready for his visitors so his social life can continue non stop as if he not only doesn’t have a baby or a wife but does have live in staff!

octoberfarm · 18/09/2022 13:04

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds crap. If it were me I would be sending one final text to let him know that if he wants to stay married/together, he needs to be home at X time, and that he will be the one taking care of your LO this afternoon because you need some space/time to think. No more back and forth, just that. I'd also tell him that he needs to cancel his friends coming because if he can't be bothered to be home to spend time with you and the baby, you sure as anything won't be spending your day preparing the house and dinner for his friends. If he's upset about that, he can prep dinner and get it all ready. And then I'd go out to a friend's/family members house if he isn't home by the deadline and be seriously considering whether you want to stay with someone who treats you like this whilst you care for your child alone. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug Flowers

MaChienEstUnDick · 18/09/2022 13:06

Get the baby and go out - whatever the ins and outs of this like fuck would i be housecleaning for HIS friends. Let him deal with it. If the friends text because they're at the door and there's no one home just text 'sorry, I had to go out unexpectedly, is partner not in? Try dropping him a text' Then switch your phone off.

As to last night... under normal circumstances I wouldn't jump to 'he's cheating' but given it's two nights after he told you he shagged 20 randomness while with his ex, yeah - I'd have a few concerns. That sounds like a warning and the timing is awful. You need to have a full and frank conversation with him - don't do it today though, trying to argue with a hungover person is like trying to shovel shite with a sieve. Wait till next weekend. Use this week to really think about what you want and what your plan B would be.

bringbackneighbours · 18/09/2022 13:24

scooterbee38 · 18/09/2022 11:20

@bringbackneighbours wow! In a mature, respectful partnership I'd never expect my other half to stay out and not tell me! It's not normal.

He may have fallen asleep? You're relationship is not mature. You're controlling and most likely unforgiving. It could be a one-off FFS.

bringbackneighbours · 18/09/2022 13:26

Upwiththelark76 · 18/09/2022 12:54

Let’s some perspective .
He went out . Got drunk . Stayed over at someone’s house . This does not mean he has cheated on you . It means he’s a knob for leaving you holding the baby but that’s it at this stage .

Agree with this. People here are ridiculous and OTT. I cannot believe men put up with this sh*te.

whatsup00 · 18/09/2022 13:35

When he's back I'd go out for some time to yourself and he can look after your baby.

As other people have said, the texting thing is fine, but it's more the fact you asked him not to do this.

TBH I'd be way more concerned about what he's said about cheating on his ex that many times as opposed to this night out. The night out thing wouldn't really bother me but the cheating would bother me a lot. I've been cheated on and everyone knew. No one told me. When I found out, when someone finally had the guts to actually tell me, I ended the relationship that day. No going back, nothing, I didn't want to hear an explanation, I didn't care. I couldn't carry on the relationship after that, it wasn't the same.

I suspected anyway as this was back in the days of AOL and the font used to change if you logged on from somewhere else. I had talked to my partner and the font was different that morning....

whatsup00 · 18/09/2022 13:40

You can't believe men put up with this shit? What's she done, exactly? Apart from being concerned??

Whereas her partner has disappeared for the entire night with no discussion beforehand about it. How would he feel if she did that? They have a six month old baby. He told her a few days ago that he cheated on his ex 15-20 times.

So he was out all day on Saturday and out all night Saturday too, hasn't come back yet. He doesn't exactly sound involved with the family. So after being out all Saturday day and Saturday night he apparently comes back and normally naps.

She is getting the house ready for his friends.

But yeah... I don't know why men put up with this shit.

He also lied to his partner - told her he'd cheated once... and it turns out it was 15-20 times. Gross.

Beelezebub · 18/09/2022 13:41

bringbackneighbours · 18/09/2022 13:26

Agree with this. People here are ridiculous and OTT. I cannot believe men put up with this sh*te.

Show quote history

I cannot believe that men think shite like he’s pulled is reasonable

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 18/09/2022 13:45

bringbackneighbours · 18/09/2022 13:26

Agree with this. People here are ridiculous and OTT. I cannot believe men put up with this sh*te.

Show quote history

Either you’re a man who pulls this kind of shit regularly or you need to raise your standards.

whatsup00 · 18/09/2022 13:45

Maybe she should do the same thing next weekend to see how he feels about it?

DarceyG · 18/09/2022 13:47

Lslm857 · 18/09/2022 07:24

He swear he doesn’t do drugs so hopefully not

A know a few guys with children who regularly do this and it doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. I definitely wouldn’t put up with it as it’s really immature partying all night and not considering responsibilities.

DemelzaandRoss · 18/09/2022 13:48

Absolutely do not entertain his friends.
be assertive & take the baby out yourself.
If you do have a close friend or relative who would be prepared to let you stay for a few days, take advantage of this.
He is in the wrong & is attempting to gaslight you.
Be firm & state you do not wish to be in a relationship where he doesn’t return home.
Good Luck.

Bestcatmum · 18/09/2022 13:51

Women on here have extraordinarily low standards of their men.

Ilovevacations · 18/09/2022 13:51

@bringbackneighbours

My husband has managed to go 26 years without stopping out all night if he hasn’t made arrangements in advance.

He hasn’t done this to me, because he knows it would cause worry, not that he’d cheated… but the natural worry for a loved one who was expected home but didn’t arrive, you know.
That is a ‘mature relationship’.
A woman accepting bad behaviour from a ‘partner’ does not make a mature relationship.

Op’s partner has behaved selfishly at best and that is not acceptable, particularly when his other half is at home taking care of their young baby. I’d be cross too. He is the one who clearly needs to do some growing up.

Has he come home op? I hope you’ve decided to go out and have a lovely day to yourself.

DarceyG · 18/09/2022 13:56

YesitsJacqueline · 18/09/2022 12:26

I promise you OP this won't get any better. My ex had numerous chances and now he's doing the same to his new wife!

Same for me, my ex is doing exactly the same 7 years later with his new wife. At least I get a break when my DD stays on a week night. I didn’t want her there at weekends due to his childishness. My ex would even block my number for the night. Couldn’t live like that even if I didn’t have a child. That behaviour is for your 20s anyone doing it beyond that has issues

Dotcheck · 18/09/2022 14:04

I would message the friends and tell them the afternoon is cancelled.

I think it’s ok for him to go out. It’s ok to stay all night if a friend had an after party. I’m not sure if I would have kept texting.
But , I would book into a hotel sometime soon, and have a break yourself.

However, him lying to you and expecting you to sort out preps for his friends is a bit of a game changer. This is worrying

Msloverlover · 18/09/2022 14:13

My dp used to pull this crap. However I would know where he was and what he was doing (coke mainly). He has thankfully seen the error of his ways now (got old!) and doesn’t pull that crap any more. But 100% he is either doing coke or shagging. Or both. But my money would be on coke because it makes you a selfish arse and also makes time disappear in the blink of an eye.

SimonAndGarthsUncle · 18/09/2022 14:13

I fail to see anything particularly wrong here tbh

Hes been out and probably got the flavour and stayed out later than expected

Do you often try to regulate his fun? Keen to weigh him down?

Ilovevacations · 18/09/2022 14:19

SimonAndGarthsUncle · 18/09/2022 14:13

I fail to see anything particularly wrong here tbh

Hes been out and probably got the flavour and stayed out later than expected

Do you often try to regulate his fun? Keen to weigh him down?

I think having a 6 month old is fairly ‘fun regulating’. Perhaps he should of thought about the fun lifestyle he wanted to lead before committing to having children.

In the meantime, he’s certainly ensuring his partner’s life is less than fun isn’t he.

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