Non adhd partner are ableist

[Bsnsnsmsnsn]

Why are people that are married to adhd spouse ableist and mean why talking about their partners

Crumb of context for the poor?

I don’t really understand what you’re getting at? Do you have an example?

The vast majority of people demonstrate ableism in some way or another, fortunate for them is having no lived experience of disability or neurodiversity so they can’t fully relate or empathise with whatever the other person might be going through.

I have ADHD and I’m sure that some of my symptoms are highly inconvenient and downright infuriating for my partner. I try to stay switched on to how he might he experiencing my ADHD as well as advocating for myself.

We’re all different, we all behave and experience behaviour in different ways. I don’t think you can tar everyone with the same brush, some people are incredibly understanding and tolerant, to their own detriment actually, others are awful and would happily exploit any perceived weakness as a stick with which to beat their partner.

I find them more intolerant than ableist, this of course is my own personal experience of having ADHD in relationships with NT people.

Because generally people who are posting on an anonymous forum about their spouse are at the end of their tether?

I don't think they're ableist.

There is a lovely woman who regularly posts on here about various problems she's experienced as a result of her partner's ADHD. The most memorable one being when her laptop with all her coursework disappeared shortly before her deadline.

She was so patient and accepting, while also being at the end of her tether. Her humour was remarkable, under the circumstances.

No they are if you look on this website they spouses get mad at them for not functioning like them

I’m not talking about her I’m talking about the people who say regret marrying their partner because of their adhd

Individuals regretting their choice because of the impact it has isn't ableist, imo.

If my life was severely impacted by the needs of my partner, I might regret my choice to marry them.
That wouldn't be ableist. It would be my feelings.

Living with disabilities can be very hard, for the person and also for their close family. That's why there are support groups.

I didn’t say it was ableist I said it was mean to talk to them like that

For the people who don’t get what I’m saying I’m talking about when non adhd partner are getting mad when they can’t function like them that have trouble doing stuff when a normal person can do and say they are not a partner

Often people aren't frustrated at things they can't do, they're frustrated at things they're not willing to do.

Living with someone who has ADHD can be incredibly frustrating, as long as they're not being nasty or overly dickish, I'm not sure why they can't vent their frustrations or upsets on an anonymous forum?

My partner and I both have ADHD for the record, though I'm inattentive and he's ... chaotic lol

Ok, sorry OP.

Let me check something-

Are you talking about partners being mean to each other? That's not right.

Are you talking about someone complaining their partner isn't pulling their weight? That's not mean, that's identifying a problem and starting a discussion about how to resolve it.

So if someone is trying to solve a problem that they are experiencing because one partner has ADHD, that's not mean it's just working out how to do things better.

If someone is shouting and calling their partner names, that's wrong whether the partner has ADHD or not.

You sound upset. Are you struggling in your relationship because you have ADHD and your partner is impatient?

Sometimes relationships don't work because one partner isn't able to support the other partner in the way they need. It's not really the fault of either partner. It's just not working.

Yea the partners are being mast and dickish go look at all the adhd partner forums and see what they say about them

yes to some extent but I’m talking about when non adhd partners mock them and belittle them for not being them

I haven’t seen any mocking posts as you refer to, I do see posts from the non adhd person looking for advice and similar experiences which is what mumsnet is generally for

Maybe you can provide a direct example of something that’s been said?

I’m not only talking about mumsnet I’m talking about in general like Reddit and Facebook groups

My sister has inattentive ADHD. I don’t know how her DP copes. She is a lovely person but utterly infuriating. He just sits there and takes the fact she makes them late to EVERYTHING, that their house renovation took twice as long and he had to do it all in the end himself even though she doesn’t work and he works a 60 hr week. She occasionally moans that he was “mean” about the fact she couldn’t choose a sink for their spare room but I would have buried her in concrete by now if I were her DP. Goes totally over her head.

is she treated

You have to accept sone things on a adhd relationship like time blindness

She doesn’t want to take anything for it “don’t want to be drugged up” and says her DP is just being a pain. She’s my sister and I love her but missing family funerals (and being angry that we didn’t wait 90 mins for her), flights back from holiday, keeping elderly relatives waiting in the cold at the station because she finds setting alarms to remind her ‘annoying’ means that sometimes it’s not just her DP that’s a pain..

What are you hoping to get out of this thread OP?

At times living with someone who functions very differently to you is difficult, regardless of the reasons why.

It is obviously going to be frustrating at times to live with someone who isn't able to "adult" in the expected way. Again regardless of the different reasons for this. An anonymous forum seems a good place to vent.

Both DH, DC and myself are ND in different ways and we all annoy each other with our behaviors at times.

"You have to accept sone things on a adhd relationship like time blindness"

No you don't. You don't have to accept anything in a relationship. If you are unhappy in your relationship you don't have to stay.

What a load of rubbish.

If I'm posting on here it's because I'm having a tough day with dh. It's meant to be a safe place, where I can find people to empathise and chat to.
Being married to someone with adhd is tough at times and sharing this with kind strangers occasionally is hugely comforting.
Thanks for making us all feel shit op!