Non adhd partner are ableist

[Bsnsnsmsnsn]

Why are people that are married to adhd spouse ableist and mean why talking about their partners

I’m talking about the people who say regret marrying their partner because of their adhd.
It can be really difficult. My DD has ADD and I suspect that I do too however I fight it and use any resources to enable me to keep life ticking by.

It's hard.

I know some adults with ADHD don't search out coping techniques and it is tough for the family and partners that they're not prepared to really try.

As I told DD her diagnosis doesn't mean she can't do it, it means she has to try much harder to complete things and organise herself but the rewards are worth it.

My DM was very disorganised, things were chaotic, untidy, depressed, looking back she most likely suffered though her suffering impacted on a normal life for us.

It gives me the determination to make lists, keep going, as a result I'm constantly on the hop.

I constantly feel like a failure, worry I annoy everyone (even though I’m reassured that I don’t) and I struggle daily to cope with the organisation that my life needs, but I have a very responsible full time job, degrees up to MA level and 3 dc that I think I’ve raised well.

I take medication some days (particularly admin heavy days) but despite learning very effective coping and masking strategies over the years, keeping them up is utterly exhausting. I never feel good enough.

I do feel that MN threads about adhd are often ableist, especially in subtle ways which suggest that people with this disability should just try harder or find strategies. To some degree this is true and adhd shouldn’t be used as excuse for poor behaviour, but a NT person simply cannot comprehend that it isn’t as simple as just trying harder.

Think about how it might look of a partner complained about their spouse with a different disability such as visual impairment.

In my experience, the person most annoyed with, fed up with and frustrated by adhd is the person themselves. I’d be upset if my dh moaned about my disability on a forum.

I have a visible physical disability too and people tend to me much more understanding. This means I feel much less ashamed of it.

I can be mean about my adhd husband however I didn't know he was adhd until recently, it's broken our marriage and he refuses to go on medication eveb though his dr says he should.
I feel like I have an extra child and everything is on my head and I'm constantly stressed I didn't sign up for this, I am like a single mother in some respects and no I csnt rely or depend on him for ANYTHING.
I have tried to help so much by setting up things that could help manage things for him, reminding him about things and not giving him many responsibilities.
I am now resentful and at the end of my tether so yes I can sometimes say mean things about him but it's better than the alternative

No one really understands except the afflicted.
I'm one of the afflicted.

My partners not bad, usually when I lose things I get really stressed and he helps find them.

But I have other health conditions and it really does take one to know one with most disabilities I think.

Oh and I've tried helping and being understanding. I've set up lists and calendars on phones and physical ones in the kitchen and bedroom so he always knows what's happening but he just won't help himself...
He once dropped the dc off at youth club and didn't see them in..youth club was shut and they had to walk home with strangers at age 5 and 7! I had left him voicemails and messages telling him it was shut, and I always told him that he needed tk see them in places not just drop them off on the corner...Needless to say I do all of the dc things now as I cant depend on him for anything...
He is still in denial about his diagnosis and won't take medication...I've offered couples counselling and one yo one counselling and he won't go..you tell me you wouldn't the angry

Like mine but op doesnt give a shit. Op thinks ADHD is an excuse to get out of helping yourself and living a functional life because partners should just pick up the slack for absolutely everything and never complain about it ever or they are ableist.

Understanding goes both ways OP.

I constantly feel like a failure, worry I annoy everyone (even though I’m reassured that I don’t) and I struggle daily to cope with the organisation that my life needs, but I have a very responsible full time job, degrees up to MA level and 3 dc that I think I’ve raised well.

Negative thinking is part of the illness.
You're not a failure by in any means.

You've succeeded in many ways.

I think comparing yourself to those who cannot manage to complete basic living skills is unfair to pp's who live with partners in this situation.

My DD secretly drives me insane and I try to instill organisational skills, I have labels and instructions around the house, down to steps for washing, I'm hoping as an adult that the coping skills kick in.

@Sleeplessinstockport @ShaneTwane

Do you not think your husband could just be shit, rather than blame it on adhd? It’s not helpful to blame crap parenting or poor/rude behaviour on this disability as it creates stereotypes and negative feeling.

I struggle immensely with adhd but I’ve been a good mum. I’ve been reliable and tried my hardest to not let adhd negatively affect my children. I’ve always been the more active parent, organising things etc, despite having adhd. I’m the one who has to remind my dh without adhd to do things sometimes.

Ableism is rooted in stereotypes and I do see it on some of these threads.

@EmeraldShamrock1
one of my dc has adhd and he does drive me mad with his organisation so I can empathise! He is hopefully learning strategies which will help him as an adult and I’ve told him that even though adhd causes issues and struggles, it can’t be always used as an excuse for things.

Threads about spouses feel different to me. The comments often sound superior or patronising, implying people with adhd can’t do ‘adulting’ (not my phrase but a phrase from a pp).
Or saying it’s like having another child. These are offensive comments.

Talking about the frustrations of parenting a child with adhd is different, especially as we are actively helping them learn to manage it.

@HappyBinosaur I used to think he was just a shit parent and husband but then when he was diagnosed I felt terrible because I understand he's not doing it on purpose ( most of it!) But the fact that he will not get help when it's being offered to him sends me back into being angry and resentful

Then maybe the person with ADHD shouldnt perpetuate these stereotypes then by claiming they cant change and cant do things because of their ADHD?

Not everyone with ADHD is the same its ridiculous to suggest they are, hence why some choose to help themselves and some choose not to.

Its not up to the partner living with them to pretend to be happy and supportive of these decisions.

I for example have severe OCD. Therapy, cbt, meds and coping mechanisms. I dont allow it to impact family life. I choose to actively constantly seek help and support to not allow it to impact others but apparently this is expected of me, but dp with ADHD isnt expected by anyone to get help.

@HappyBinosaur That's true.
It isn't an easy life at all.

@Sleeplessinstockport

I agree that refusing to get help when it is impacting the family is not right. I also think that when someone with adhd gets help (medical or otherwise) it’s clearer to see what behaviour is adhd and what isn’t.
My teenager definitely struggles with his adhd in terms of organising etc and his asd affects his communication. But sometimes he is just a rude teenager or bloody lazy!!! We are both discovering which is which and I am very understanding of his needs, whilst also have firm boundaries about his behaviour.
I didn’t mean to sound so defensive but I struggle to like myself and I shouldn’t really read these threads! I hope my tone isn’t like the OP as I am not meaning it that way.

@HappyBinosaur no not at all I'm just very frustrated right now with him it wasn't directed at anything you said

@Sleeplessinstockport 💐

As I told DD her diagnosis doesn't mean she can't do it, it means she has to try much harder to complete things and organise herself but the rewards are worth it.

This is exactly what I tell DD. Her hyperfocus and passions for things are adaptive if you use them. She's creative and adventurous and non-conformist. She just has to work extremely hard on the things that are maladaptive.

My lovely friend and I were discussing (after she got her diagnosis) that we are lucky to work in fiends with managers who understand that our manic 30 minutes of incredible work DO match up to our colleagues' 2 hours of typical work.

It's worth saying that many of us grew up with terrible advice. Just one example is, "cramming for exams is not a good way to study". I spent years trying to do it the prescribed, methodical way; didn't work. At university I thought, "bollocks to that" and wrote to deadlines over night, only studied two days before exams feverishly, thought completely outside the box about topics and just did what my brain wanted to do. Once you understand your brain better, you do better. I've taught DD to do the same.

My DD has ADHD and my DH is undiagnosed but definitely has it.

Living with them is incredibly stressful. I have to have a handle on EVERYTHING that needs doing, otherwise family life falls apart.

A couple of examples:
When my DD was tiny, bailiffs turned up at the door to take our car away, because DH hadn’t paid his tax (he’s self employed) and had ignored every single letter warning him what would happen if he didn’t contact HMRC.

During COVID, he lost almost all his earnings, but rather than talk to me, he took out loans and credit cards, amounting to tens of thousands of pounds, without any thought as to how he could afford to pay them back. He simply stopped making repayments, leading to fines and defaults and his credit rating being destroyed for the next 6 years.

Like a PP, I’ve put all sorts of systems and organisation in place to help both him and DD, but it’s very rare that either engage in any of them, and I’m left to pick up the pieces.

Its exhausting and my anxiety levels are permanently raised, because I’m on high alert at all times.