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Original poster

Husband cheated AND suddenly says monogamy is difficult for him

98 replies

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 17:22

Hi, this summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 20
years younger than me. I know her and see her often. It’s very painful. He cut it off when I found out and wants to stay together, but I feel so humiliated and deceived. To add insult to injury, he told me a few weeks before I found out about his affair that he longed to be non-monogamous. After 17 years together! After I found out about his affair, he keeps saying being monogamous seems like a hard thing you have to do to be married, but he will be, just for me.
But I hate that! If he has such a hard time with monogamy, just get a divorce!
But he says: no, he loves me and wants to stay with me. We have two kids.
So I have to deal with his betrayal AND the fact that monogamy (with me) is all of a sudden such a hard thing for him. I just hate all this. Feel bad and angry and sad every day. But I am scared to divorce. What would you do?

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 14/09/2022 17:24

It's not just his choice. He wants his cake and eat it.

What do you want?

For me, it would be a deal breaker, and hopefully would tell my husband to fuck off and take them money and the children. Just for having the affair.

Strokethefurrywall · 14/09/2022 17:25

What would I do?

I'd get divorced and it wouldn't be his choice either. I have not now, nor will I ever sit around waiting for a man to "choose".

You may be scared to get divorced. But that fear will be nothing compared to the utter misery and sick regret you'll feel later in life if you belittle yourself to stay with him.

Take a deep breath, and take back control of your life.

BudgetBlast · 14/09/2022 17:27

I think I would face up to who he is and the fact that you deserve so much better. It is so hard losing people we are attached too but it is much harder staying with a person who is harming you and eroding your self esteem and boundaries all the time.

Hawkins001 · 14/09/2022 17:32

All the best op

KittyCatsby · 14/09/2022 17:37

How about telling him you might consider it if he stays at home for a few months at weekends whilst you get on tinder and go on some ons and w/ends having fun with strangers to see if it works for you ?

WaveyHair · 14/09/2022 17:38

So in his ideal world he wants to keep shagging younger woman but not get divorced, probably because it will hit him in the wallet and he may be not as attractive a prospect for a younger woman?

are you prepared to agree to a non-marriage and turn a blind eye to his flings. If not non-monogamous = not married. This needs to be a firm line in the sand.

All the best. Tough call, but maybe counselling may discover a deeper issue?

Rodion · 14/09/2022 17:40

Unless his struggle with monogamy is a symptom of some deeper serious struggle that he might be able to pick apart with therapy (would he consider this?) then it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Bearing in mind he's probably voicing his feelings in the most sanitised way he can I think you can read between the lines and assume that he's basically spending his days leering over and fantasizing about any young woman that catches his eye. Probably porn is heavily invokved and maybe more. I do think that's a separate thing to having loving feelings towards you, and that it is possible to want a normal future with you whilst lusting over other women, but it doesn't make him a good prospect for you. Where's the taking responsibility for how he was feeling before it crescendoed to this point? It sounds very self absorbed and unattractive. Also unattractive is the framing it as a Difficulty With Monogamy, like it's a special condition rather than a mindset he's secretly indulged for years that culminated in him betraying you.

SenoritaNaturista · 14/09/2022 17:44

What Kittycatsby says above.
I would also imply I have set up a date.…..and watch his reaction

Purpleavocado · 14/09/2022 17:48

Sorry OP, he sounds like a pig. He wants to have sex with younger women, but he wants you there to cook, clean and look after his children, and he doesn't want to pay for a divorce. Do you want to stay married to pig?

Dillydollydingdong · 14/09/2022 17:48

I'd tell him that yes, I agree monogamy is hard and I don't want to be restricted by it either. He'll need to babysit when you go out clubbing and enjoying yourself, though.

Dragonskin · 14/09/2022 17:49

Of course it's a hard thing for him, he's a cheating bastard. His life would be much easier if he wasn't bound by monogamy, because he could shag anyone he wants while still having you and the kids in the background, and the best bit no guilt for him and people wouldn't think badly of him. It must be so hard being faithful, poor lamb.

What would I do? Throw him out

Dragonskin · 14/09/2022 17:52

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP Flowers

economicervix · 14/09/2022 17:53

I mean, he’s been very clear that he will continue shagging about as he pleases, so it’s up to you if you want a bloke like that near you.
Staying married to a known liar would be embarrassing enough, but one who wants various lovers while expecting you to be little wifey at home raising his kids for him? Absolutely laughable.

Divorce the prick, enjoy life. Have you been tested for STDs from this dirty man?

MadinMarch · 14/09/2022 18:11

It sounds as though he's telling you he'll be unfaithful again in the future, because it's so difficult for him to be monogamous. Poor lamb....
Not sure where that leaves your relationship with him, but you definitely deserve
more than him.

Purplecatshopaholic · 14/09/2022 18:16

What I did do was divorce my cheating now-ex-husband! And so should you..

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 14/09/2022 18:18

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

He might strive to be monogamous just for you now but any future lapse will garner a ‘oh but you know how I am and that it was a struggle and I couldn’t help it’ or some such pish.

If monogamy is right for you, then he won’t be.

Dorisbonson · 14/09/2022 18:19

It's a door which is once opened is difficult to close. You know what you need to do.

Catlover1970 · 14/09/2022 18:19

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 17:22

Hi, this summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 20
years younger than me. I know her and see her often. It’s very painful. He cut it off when I found out and wants to stay together, but I feel so humiliated and deceived. To add insult to injury, he told me a few weeks before I found out about his affair that he longed to be non-monogamous. After 17 years together! After I found out about his affair, he keeps saying being monogamous seems like a hard thing you have to do to be married, but he will be, just for me.
But I hate that! If he has such a hard time with monogamy, just get a divorce!
But he says: no, he loves me and wants to stay with me. We have two kids.
So I have to deal with his betrayal AND the fact that monogamy (with me) is all of a sudden such a hard thing for him. I just hate all this. Feel bad and angry and sad every day. But I am scared to divorce. What would you do?

End it?

StopStartStop · 14/09/2022 18:20

I'd divorce him. I'd assume the 'I want to be with you but not monogamous, but I'll do it just for you' bullshit really means 'I know that splitting with you means division of assets and I don't want to lose any money,' because that's what a lot of men seem to think. He's already betrayed your marriage, hurt you, humiliated you. Why put up with any more? Get lawyered up. Don't tell him, just get on with it.

justfiveminutes · 14/09/2022 18:21

Divorce is nowhere near as scary as wasting an entire lifetime on someone who is only with me to preserve his lifestyle, reputation and home comforts. I'd see a solicitor to see what I could expect financially and then enjoy telling him that I had regained your dignity and would be fine without him. Then I'd pretend I was fine until I really was.

TwinkleChristmas · 14/09/2022 18:22

What should you do?

Divorce him. He’s basically telling you he will cheat again as he finds it hard not too.

PineOrange · 14/09/2022 18:27

Rodion · 14/09/2022 17:40

Unless his struggle with monogamy is a symptom of some deeper serious struggle that he might be able to pick apart with therapy (would he consider this?) then it would be a dealbreaker for me.

Bearing in mind he's probably voicing his feelings in the most sanitised way he can I think you can read between the lines and assume that he's basically spending his days leering over and fantasizing about any young woman that catches his eye. Probably porn is heavily invokved and maybe more. I do think that's a separate thing to having loving feelings towards you, and that it is possible to want a normal future with you whilst lusting over other women, but it doesn't make him a good prospect for you. Where's the taking responsibility for how he was feeling before it crescendoed to this point? It sounds very self absorbed and unattractive. Also unattractive is the framing it as a Difficulty With Monogamy, like it's a special condition rather than a mindset he's secretly indulged for years that culminated in him betraying you.

I know, he's a cheeky git isn't he, making it sound like he's got some dissability.

Maybe he could claim PIPS and op could be his carer.

Op, ask him if he minds you being non monogamous, just out of interest before you serve him divorce papers.

Meili04 · 14/09/2022 18:29

He doesn't really want the marriage just the convenience it brings. If he had the option to lose no money, social standing and access to his children he would be out the door.

Insideallday · 14/09/2022 18:32

Purpleavocado · 14/09/2022 17:48

Sorry OP, he sounds like a pig. He wants to have sex with younger women, but he wants you there to cook, clean and look after his children, and he doesn't want to pay for a divorce. Do you want to stay married to pig?

This! He has zero respect for you, he wants the home comforts but able to do what he pleases.

you are worth more than him. Tell him feck off.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2022 18:33

What would you do?

one of two things:

  1. inform him of which nights of the week you will be off shagging younger men. What is sauce for the goose etc…

  2. divorce