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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband cheated AND suddenly says monogamy is difficult for him

98 replies

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 17:22

Hi, this summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 20
years younger than me. I know her and see her often. It’s very painful. He cut it off when I found out and wants to stay together, but I feel so humiliated and deceived. To add insult to injury, he told me a few weeks before I found out about his affair that he longed to be non-monogamous. After 17 years together! After I found out about his affair, he keeps saying being monogamous seems like a hard thing you have to do to be married, but he will be, just for me.
But I hate that! If he has such a hard time with monogamy, just get a divorce!
But he says: no, he loves me and wants to stay with me. We have two kids.
So I have to deal with his betrayal AND the fact that monogamy (with me) is all of a sudden such a hard thing for him. I just hate all this. Feel bad and angry and sad every day. But I am scared to divorce. What would you do?

OP posts:

QuebecBagnet · 15/09/2022 07:15

by staying with him he will see this as a green light to do it again and again and again.

Tntw · 15/09/2022 07:26

KittyCatsby · 14/09/2022 17:37

How about telling him you might consider it if he stays at home for a few months at weekends whilst you get on tinder and go on some ons and w/ends having fun with strangers to see if it works for you ?

I would absolutely be saying this too

id tell him I’ve been thinking about what he said about the monogamy and maybe you would like it too but you need the opportunity to find out , just like he already took for himself

bodie1890 · 15/09/2022 07:30

Nope. Just nope.

He's giving you crumbs and hoping you'll lap them up.

Get out of there and get out fast before you lose all of your self worth.

kneadandpin · 15/09/2022 07:32

Tntw · 15/09/2022 07:26

I would absolutely be saying this too

id tell him I’ve been thinking about what he said about the monogamy and maybe you would like it too but you need the opportunity to find out , just like he already took for himself

Show quote history

This only works if he actually cares.

To be honest, most men who have affairs actually don't mind the idea of their wife also seeing other people.

They have a very different mindset about it all.

I wouldn't play this card because he will likely say 'crack on, then'.

Don't play games, OP. Just leave him and keep your self esteem in tact. You are never going to be happy with him.

dustofneptune · 15/09/2022 07:35

I've been polyamorous before, and I've also been cheated on many, many times. In my experience, once someone has cheated, the trust is completely gone. So now, if someone cheated on me, I'd leave.

Polyamory is insanely difficult. The amount of emotional work you have to do on a daily basis is utterly exhausting. At least, this was my experience. I'm actually open to forms of polyamory in theory - I think if everyone is on the same page, totally fine, and it makes the difficult parts easier to work through.

But when you have a situation where someone feels forced into non-monogamy because they feel the cost of leaving the relationship is too high, I just don't see it ever working out.

You know yourself, OP. If you don't want to be polyamorous - don't be! But you also have to be honest with yourself about what your DH has shared with you.

Him cheating doesn't mean he doesn't love you, value you, or want to be with you. But if what he truly wants is open relationships, the two of you are going to be miserable staying married, even if he never acts on his feelings again.

kneadandpin · 15/09/2022 07:38

Creatingusernamesismygame · 14/09/2022 22:56

OP, what would your DH’s reaction be if you said that he can see other younger women, but you will also see other men? You’ve been together 17 years, surely you must have an idea what he will say to this? Why not ask him already?

Show quote history

@Creatingusernamesismygame He will say 'Great! What a fantastic solution!'

And then OP is in the same position she's in now, because she actually doesn't want to see other men.

This is not a solution at all.

boobot1 · 15/09/2022 07:42

Strokethefurrywall · 14/09/2022 17:25

What would I do?

I'd get divorced and it wouldn't be his choice either. I have not now, nor will I ever sit around waiting for a man to "choose".

You may be scared to get divorced. But that fear will be nothing compared to the utter misery and sick regret you'll feel later in life if you belittle yourself to stay with him.

Take a deep breath, and take back control of your life.

This, you deserve so much more.

Andromachehadabadday · 15/09/2022 07:42

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 23:37

He would be okay with me seeing other men. Even into it 🤮
But I am not into it. I am not into open relationships. Especially not if they are offered to me after already cheating…

So essentially he is now trying to introduce his fetish into your marriage.

He isn’t going to stay faithful and next time he will say ‘well I did warn you’

He wants the benefit’s of marriage, while doing what he wants regardless of your wants and needs. That’s not a good marriage for you.

He gets everything he wants and you get left feeling shit. That’s not what marriage is about.

kneadandpin · 15/09/2022 07:45

Come off it @dustofneptune

I have been in polyamorous relationships myself and agree about them being emotionally exhausting, and most of what you say until you get to this point.

Him cheating absolutely means he doesn't value OP.

Whatever you think about polyamory, it's not the same as cheating. If you cheat, you lie to someone, do something behind their back, you are screaming out that you do not value them, you won't give them the basic respect and courtesty to actually speak to them.

If he is 'polyamorous', he should have spoken to OP before having an affair about how he was feeling, so that she was then empowered to make a decision about whether she wanted to stay with him whilst he sees other women.

What he actually did was extremely controlling, manipulative and puts OP in a position where she has no choice. He betrayed her and that does not 'value' her. He might want to be with her, he might even love her, but he has very little respect for her.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2022 07:47

He's just going to cheat again and tell you he tried really hard not to.

mostlydrinkstea · 15/09/2022 07:53

Monogamy is hard but so is adulting and if he wants to stay with you he needs to grow up and stop being selfish. What you could suggest is that you sit down and work out what a divorce is going to cost him. Where is he going to live? How often will he see the children? How much money is he going to have at the end of each month? Go through form E which is what you need to do if you divorce and write it all down. For a long marriage the starting point is 50/50 and that includes pensions, savings and the house.

At the moment he is very comfortable. He has given you the emotional labour of dealing with his inability to keep it in his pants and live up to the promises he made to be faithful. So don't do that emotional work. Give him a reality check with the cold hard cost of divorce. Both if you go for an STD check up. As a man he is likely to be compartmentalising, but there is an outside chance that when he is faced with a spreadsheet and a clinic letter it may engage what little character there may be left and thus bring some sunlight into his fantasy of having his cake and eating it.

At the end of the process you know what the cost of the divorce will be and can make plans. You also have a lot of the paperwork.

SatInTheCorner · 15/09/2022 07:58

I'd have been divorcing him when I found out about the affair.

ZenNudist · 15/09/2022 08:04

Of course he doesn't want to leave but just shag around. He's looked after by you, can share costs of your one home, meals cooked, washing done, house tidy with 50% effort or worse ge puts in no effort on the domestic side.

Put yourself first. He'd being selfish. If you are willing to forgive (he'd need to be genuinely sorry and not do it again) then he gives up philandering. Otherwise sling him out and start divorce proceedings.

If nothing else you will be exposing yourself to STIs if you stay in an open relationship. Plus it'll only last till he can find someone he prefers. Don't let him shop around for a new partner whilst you wash his bed sheets etc.

Redqueenheart · 15/09/2022 08:09

I would reply that you are having a hard time with marriage and hand him the divorce papers.

He is a cheat who has no respect for you and who is trying to manipulate you into accepting his affairs. You don't need someone like that in your life.

Aikko · 15/09/2022 08:25

He wants you as his mummy partner - sharing the burden on the not so glamorous aspects of living (cooking, washing, living costs etc...), whilst at the same time he has his cake, shagging OW 20 years his junior.

I suspect a lot of men would not say no to this arrangement if they could get away with it, but this is ridiculous, and completely disrespectful to you.

I'd begin steps to move on without him.

felulageller · 15/09/2022 09:06

Do you have sex?

Is it any good?

OhamIreally · 15/09/2022 09:20

To quote the brilliant Chump Lady: "lose a cheater; gain a life"

Mybeautifulfriend22 · 15/09/2022 09:30

I love my partner and we have a great relationship but if he did cheat like that I’d be gone before even the discussion on monogamy. The older I get the less arsed I’d be about a relationship with someone else I’d get a dog. We don’t have kids though so it’s different.

I like the idea of reversing it to you going out and about I bet he wouldn’t agree with that idea. Does sound like he wants his side piece and you at home without the faff of divorce etc!

feckoffbrian · 15/09/2022 09:45

felulageller · 15/09/2022 09:06

Do you have sex?

Is it any good?

I don't know why this is of relevance.

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 09:51

No successful consensual non monogomous relationship started with lies and cheating. They are the opposite ends of the spectrum. To open up a relationship takes a massive amount of trust, communication and open honesty. He has shown you none of this, and doesn't deserve any from you.

Dweetfidilove · 15/09/2022 10:09

He has told you he has no okay to be faithful, so the rest is really now up to you.

He's marginally better than those who lead you to believe they'll try, then are off cheating again as soon as the dust settles

Original poster

Askingforme · 15/09/2022 15:28

True… it is very hard.

OP posts:

PineOrange · 15/09/2022 22:03

Honestly love, I bet you could walk to the end of your road and find a better specimen than this, on a weekday.

He really is one selfish git, you deserve better, anybody does, pity the women who he inflicts himself on.

He's not worth crying over.
Take care

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