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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheated AND suddenly says monogamy is difficult for him

98 replies

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 17:22

Hi, this summer I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman 20
years younger than me. I know her and see her often. It’s very painful. He cut it off when I found out and wants to stay together, but I feel so humiliated and deceived. To add insult to injury, he told me a few weeks before I found out about his affair that he longed to be non-monogamous. After 17 years together! After I found out about his affair, he keeps saying being monogamous seems like a hard thing you have to do to be married, but he will be, just for me.
But I hate that! If he has such a hard time with monogamy, just get a divorce!
But he says: no, he loves me and wants to stay with me. We have two kids.
So I have to deal with his betrayal AND the fact that monogamy (with me) is all of a sudden such a hard thing for him. I just hate all this. Feel bad and angry and sad every day. But I am scared to divorce. What would you do?

OP posts:
momtoboys · 14/09/2022 21:33

Since you asked what we would do I will tell you. I would take at least half of everything monetary I can get my hands on and I would send him packing. He is behaving like a child. I can imagine it is very scary to divorce but I think you will be happier for it.

Sausagelove · 14/09/2022 21:36

Infidelity is a type of abuse. Lying is emotional abuse too. You are living with a liar and an emotional abuser.

There is often financial abuse so check on your finances. He would have had a plan in place if you had divorced him for cheating, and I absolutely promise you the plan was not for him to be destitute.

Rapidtango · 14/09/2022 21:39

OP, I know it's easy for other people to say, but just bin him off. You'll save yourself a lot of heartache in the long run. I wonder if the young woman he's been schtupping knows of his proclivities for a non monogamous lifestyle.

If you do decide to stay, make sure you line up a few young bloke's to satisfy your needs (obviously while your H is looking after the kids).

Scout2016 · 14/09/2022 22:11

I think the logic he is going with is

  • that instead of being angry and pissed off at him for having an affair, you are meant to be ever so grateful that he is making this wonderous sacrifice of not shagging other women for you. Poor thing, he deserves sympathy and praise, not anger and mistrust.
  • But also, he's making it clear that it is very difficult not to shag other women. So if he does it's definitely not his fault because he just couldn't help it, the struggle not to was too much.
  • And besides, he gave you the heads up that it might happen again and you chose to stay. So he's definitely not in anyway to blame, you practically gave him permission by staying when you knew how he was feeling.

I am very cynical but that's what I think - he's cuing up to cheat again and paint himself as a blameless helpless victim and you as having condoned it.

I'd leave OP, I don't see a way back from this.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 14/09/2022 22:22

Don't be scared of a divorce, just be scared of living a life with a man like this. He's going to cheat again and again and again. Pre-empt him by visiting a solicitor.

MadeForThis · 14/09/2022 22:26

Don't waste any more time with this man.

Original poster
Askingforme · 14/09/2022 22:53

Thank you and all others for your messages… they helped me. I am still scared shitless of divorce, especially since I totally did not intend to go through a divorce until he cheated. That’s the hard part: you’re supposed to go through a divorce and put your kids through shit,
because SOMEONE ELSE chose to cheat on you. It’s so depressing. But thanks. You probably are all right…

OP posts:
Creatingusernamesismygame · 14/09/2022 22:56

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 22:53

Thank you and all others for your messages… they helped me. I am still scared shitless of divorce, especially since I totally did not intend to go through a divorce until he cheated. That’s the hard part: you’re supposed to go through a divorce and put your kids through shit,
because SOMEONE ELSE chose to cheat on you. It’s so depressing. But thanks. You probably are all right…

OP, what would your DH’s reaction be if you said that he can see other younger women, but you will also see other men? You’ve been together 17 years, surely you must have an idea what he will say to this? Why not ask him already?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/09/2022 22:59

Is he worth the stress and pain he has brought to you.

Fucking arse wipe is trying to have his home comfort and a bit on the side.

I couldn't forgive him.

PickAChew · 14/09/2022 23:01

So if he wants to be non-monogamous, divorce him then he can be unfaithful to anyone who would consent to it.

declutteringmymind · 14/09/2022 23:09

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 22:53

Thank you and all others for your messages… they helped me. I am still scared shitless of divorce, especially since I totally did not intend to go through a divorce until he cheated. That’s the hard part: you’re supposed to go through a divorce and put your kids through shit,
because SOMEONE ELSE chose to cheat on you. It’s so depressing. But thanks. You probably are all right…

It's shit. He has unilaterally broken your family. Him.

Not you.

GreenManalishi · 14/09/2022 23:12

He's just lining you up so the next time he gets caught he can say, but I told you monogamy isn't for me! and somehow make it your fault, while also having you washing his socks.

Fuck that. Divorce isn't a disaster but spending your one short precious life dealing with this bullshit would be.

Original poster
Askingforme · 14/09/2022 23:37

He would be okay with me seeing other men. Even into it 🤮
But I am not into it. I am not into open relationships. Especially not if they are offered to me after already cheating…

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 14/09/2022 23:47

Tell him you whole heartedly agree and you'll be joining tinder to find yourself a hot ripped younger man with good stamina because you know;things are lacking abit on his end.....................

thenewduchessoflapland · 14/09/2022 23:52

Askingforme · 14/09/2022 23:37

He would be okay with me seeing other men. Even into it 🤮
But I am not into it. I am not into open relationships. Especially not if they are offered to me after already cheating…

In all seriousness though;book yourself in for a sexual health check up as he could have exposed you to anything by putting his penis where it doesn't belong and book yourself an appointment with a decent divorce solicitor;you don't have to action anything following the appointment if you don't want to but at least know where you stand financially and legally as that knowledge can be very liberating.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 14/09/2022 23:53

He thinks he'd be into it, the reality is different.

This is his way of convincing you that it is for both of your needs when he is thinking about himself.

Summerfun54321 · 15/09/2022 00:43

He cheated on you with a younger women. He’s a sad tragic cliche of a man trying to dress up his home wrecking as some kind of cool life choice. What a loser. He needs to pack his things and leave.

Fraaahnces · 15/09/2022 01:58

Just tell him that being married to a lying, cheating scumbag is hard on you.

JPWG2450 · 15/09/2022 03:32

i’d leave
I’ll also not believe that this was the first time he’d cheated

You don’t happily be monogamous for that many years and then suddenly find it so difficult.

Divorce might be scary
But not as scary as looking back and realising you wasted your life holding on to something that was wrong for you.

ir might be daunting to think of what your kids will go through with a divorce, but surely it’s better than your children growing up to believe treating others that way is acceptable

VeronicaFranklin · 15/09/2022 04:16

I would divorce him.

He's had an affair and shows no remorse (not that would make it any better or fix it)

He's clearly got zero respect for you.

Leave him, he will only provide you with misery ahead.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 15/09/2022 05:57

He’s into you seeing other men, he obviously doesn’t care about you at all. He doesn’t care if you had sex with someone and ended up falling for them and leaving. Hes telling you he finds it hard to be monogamous, paving the way for him to cheat and turn round and say I told you so!!
He SAYS he loves you and wants to be with you, his ACTIONS show that’s total BS.

BouncerFish · 15/09/2022 06:01

If you are unhappy and sad every day, then you deserve better… and so do your children. There is no shame in divorce. He has done this so do not feel guilty. I second getting legal advice to help you make a decision.

benning · 15/09/2022 07:02

Firstly, of course he can genuinely love his wife and yet want to shag other people. Sex and love are not the same thing. He’s being honest in that regard. It would have been better if he hadn’t had an affair first though…

And for those who think he wouldn’t really want his wife to also shag other people - get real! He does. It turns him on.

When will MN understand men? 🤔

The other thing MN doesn’t understand is that ‘well, just divorce him’ isn’t an easy option. It’s hard and messy and will affect their dc. I’m not saying it’s not the right option here as OP clearly can’t carry on being miserable, but it’s not a simple solution.

Life isn’t as black and white as MN.

UserError012345 · 15/09/2022 07:12

You know he will cheat again.

And he doesn't love you.

UserError012345 · 15/09/2022 07:14

When will MN understand men

😂😂 oh we understand them all too well. When will men understand women??!!