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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get an an abusive boyfriend out of your house

98 replies

Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:10

I've had enough. 4 hours sat in the rain yesterday after walking out of my house just to get away from the screaming has pushed me over the edge.

I need to get him away and I don't know how. He's upstairs, I don't want to speak to him or see him and I'm worried how he'll react if I tell him to leave.

I have no friends nearby and I have no family. I don't have anyone that could come support me. I feel trapped and I'm scared.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 10/09/2022 12:10

Police

ICanHideButICantRun · 10/09/2022 12:11

What a horrible situation.

Whose name is on the tenancy/mortgage?

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:12

Mortgage. Just me. He moved in a year and a half ago, I purchased about 5.5years ago.

OP posts:
NoPrivateSpy · 10/09/2022 12:15

OP, I'm so sorry he's an arsehole.

Does he work full time? Could you take Monday off to pack his things and then message him at work to say you would like him to leave and details on how to collect his stuff?

The only other option is to talk to him but sounds like you're worried about his reaction?

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:18

He works full time and yes he's back at work Monday so that's an option. He has exotic pets which I'm not willing to handle so I don't know how to get them out the house.

I'm terrified of his reaction. He's never hit me but he's hot tempered and my god he's scary when he screams. He's ex military and I'll admit that yes, it terrifies me as he always says one more on his list doesn't make a difference.

OP posts:
PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 10/09/2022 12:19

I don't think the police will throw him out of the house unless he's done something. Is it only in your name?

I put up with this for years, my ex had his own place but would stay at mine whenever he felt like it, he refused to accept I had ended the relationship, until he eventually lost his own flat. Eventually he broke in because I lost my patience and locked him out (I was terrified of him and doing this took balls of steel).

I then called the police but had to prove he did not live there with my consent.
I was really surprised when one of the policeman was questioning me and asked if he'd moved in by stealth, which I'd heard about on Mumsnet before but didn't think the police would take seriously. This was just before the Coercive Control laws came in.

They were brilliant and within hours I had new locks, security bolts and an alarm that was connected to the Police.

I would contact them on the local number and ask them outright if they can help you or direct you to other support.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 10/09/2022 12:20

Call the police, tell them you're scared of this abusive arsehole and ask them to remove him or at least be there when you tell him to leave.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 10/09/2022 12:20

"One more on his list" sounds like a threat to kill. Do you have any threats on SMS or messenger/Whatsapp?

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:26

The house is in my name only. Deeds and mortgage. Purchased several years before he moved in.

How do you prove someone lives there without your consent? Surely you saying 'they do not have my consent' is enough?

What is the coercive control law? Would that help me in keeping him out?

It absolutely is a threat to kill. He's an ex sniper. Nothing written down, all in person.

Would the police take any of this seriously and is it likely to escalate things if I spoke to them first instead of trying to speak to him? What if he doesn't get angry and then I've wasted police time.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 10/09/2022 12:30

Go to your nearest police station on Monday and explain the situation and ask advice.
Good luck

Darbs76 · 10/09/2022 12:40

Go to the police station and ask for help. Please protect yourself. Don’t tell him to leave when you’re there alone.

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:45

Does it matter that he's never physically hurt me?

He's punched the door in anger. That's as far as violence goes.

It's all psychological and screaming. Gaslighting. Making me feel useless.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 10/09/2022 12:49

Do you know if he has been violent or threatening to previous women?

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:53

I've no idea. He left his ex because she was cheating on him. Threw her out. His mum corroborated.

From what it sounds, she told him she felt that he treated her like a servant. He had a go at me when I told him I feel like his slave and said his ex said that to him and then made me feel guilty for telling him how I feel, played the victim.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/09/2022 12:55

Does it matter that he's never physically hurt me?

Society generally is much more clued up than it used to be. Get in touch with the Police, ask for their DV domestic violence unit. They will be wills trained to help people in your situation. It really doesn't have to be physical to be taken seriously.

There must be support for police to have 'exotic' pets handled. Women's aid may give you support to.

All the very best

www.womensaid.org.uk

cestlavielife · 10/09/2022 12:58

Maje syre he csnmot get in
Tgen call 999 when he kicks off at the door

Dery · 10/09/2022 13:03

He is already being violent - it is psychological and emotional violence, not much physical violence yet (punching things is physical violence though), but what you’re describing is violence and is profoundly devastating for you. You are in a domestic abuse situation.

Speak to the police. Tell them what is going on and tell them what he has said. Tell them that you want to end the relationship and you want him out but you’re really scared that this man will harm you if you try to tell him so you need the police to be there when you end the relationship and to be ready to remove him.

Do you have a friend who could come a stay with you for a few days after he’s gone?

You will need to change the locks. The police should be able to give you some advice on how to make your property more secure. This may involve installing a panic button and sealing the letterbox.

PonyPatter44 · 10/09/2022 13:10

The "one more on the list" is a verbal threat of violence. Tell the police this, and that you are afraid of him, and you don't know how to get him out of your house.

If you are anywhere near Milton Keynes I will come and be with you when you tell him to leave. I spend my days facing down aggressive violent men, one more won't make any difference.

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:11

The argument yesterday was because I'm not being a housewife along WFH. I should take time out of work to do housework because he works physically and shouldn't be expected to do it on his days off. He also screamed at me for being in a meeting for "3 f**ng hours" when I told him I was handing over a project and needed my work desk. He wanted to game instead and was furious he was having to clean the kitchen and hoover on his day off. Told me I'm going crazy for 'mis-hearing him' when I asked what he wanted for dinner (he said he wasn't hungry, but told me he'd said 'I don't know, something nice'), then demanded dinner after he'd finished screaming at me.

I feel like I'm crazy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2022 13:13

You need to go to the police RIGHT NOW. Literally right now. He has no right to be in your home if you want him gone. The police can help you.

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:13

I have no family or friends near that could be here. I'm in Manchester and they're all in the Midlands. I really do appreciate the offer of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:14

If I get his keys off him I shouldn't need to change the locks. Only I can order them (it's one of those safety locks) and the door has a deadbolt if anyone tries to force it.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2022 13:15

Dery · 10/09/2022 13:03

He is already being violent - it is psychological and emotional violence, not much physical violence yet (punching things is physical violence though), but what you’re describing is violence and is profoundly devastating for you. You are in a domestic abuse situation.

Speak to the police. Tell them what is going on and tell them what he has said. Tell them that you want to end the relationship and you want him out but you’re really scared that this man will harm you if you try to tell him so you need the police to be there when you end the relationship and to be ready to remove him.

Do you have a friend who could come a stay with you for a few days after he’s gone?

You will need to change the locks. The police should be able to give you some advice on how to make your property more secure. This may involve installing a panic button and sealing the letterbox.

This. Above
And he has more options than most people to carry through threats if he is a trained military sniper.

That would frighten anyone.

The police will indeed take it seriously.

Does he own any guns that you know of or keep any at your house? Take pictures if you can. Record the screaming if you can. Do you have friendly neighbours who may have heard this and will back you up?

Many suggestions of help on this thread and he will be out of house on Monday. Take advice and get support on how to deal with this.

Threelittlelambs · 10/09/2022 13:16

I’d call the police - use the local station number. They will assist.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 10/09/2022 13:23

He's made threats to kill that you have taken seriously, That is something they can act on. Coercive control is when a person forces you to do/accept things you would not do unless you were frightened of consequences. You are too frightened to ask him to leave as he has made it clear you may suffer consequences, so yes I think it applies.

My ex was kicking off saying that he lived in my house so I had to show the tenancy agreement and prove that I had been paying the rent.

Contact the local station. It is a bit of a lucky dip, some police are much better at this than others but the whole service is much more switched on to this behaviour than they were.