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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to get an an abusive boyfriend out of your house

98 replies

Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 12:10

I've had enough. 4 hours sat in the rain yesterday after walking out of my house just to get away from the screaming has pushed me over the edge.

I need to get him away and I don't know how. He's upstairs, I don't want to speak to him or see him and I'm worried how he'll react if I tell him to leave.

I have no friends nearby and I have no family. I don't have anyone that could come support me. I feel trapped and I'm scared.

OP posts:
Midlifemusings · 10/09/2022 13:26

Does he have family or friends in the area? I don't know if police will make him leave permanently without an incident when he is a resident of the home and has been living there. Has he been paying you rent or for expenses?

I would talk to Women's Aid to see if you can make a plan. I feel like just calilng the police and having some immediate action taken could backfire on you if there isn't a bigger plan in place. Especially as he will need to get his things and animals out and still has a key.

SatInTheCorner · 10/09/2022 13:26

Call womens aid or the police.. maybe even both. He isn't on the deeds, that's all they need to know.

MzHz · 10/09/2022 13:28

You can insist he leaves whenever you want. You have that right and in any normal scenario if you told him to leave and he refused to go, if the police were called they’d be more likely to tell him to leave than they would to make you take him back. He has no legal right to be there. He wouldn’t be the first to be thrown out, he won’t be the last.

HOWEVER… this man is dangerous
he’s exhibiting violence in punching doors, the next step is hitting you. Given his training and his temper, this isn’t a normal scenario

I agree that you need police back up now so that you can do what need to be done, keys given back in police presence, removal of his possessions and pets etc so that you are safe. I’d also ask for a panic alarm and a flag on your address

get advice today/as soon as it’s safe to do so and make sure the police are there for you before you make any kind of mood

Better safe than sorry. Can you do a background check - Clare’s Law is it?

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:32

I'd be amazed if next door (we're joined) didn't hear the screaming last night.

He doesn't have a gun. He used to but had to surrender it when he moved to the area as GMP wouldn't allow him to re-register it in this area.

I'll try get through this weekend give them a call on Monday when he's at work. I can't talk openly & freely right now as he's here.

OP posts:
Hillary17 · 10/09/2022 13:32

I can only suggest what I’d do - wait until he’s at work, pack his belongings and change the locks. Report for be police that you will be asking him to leave and may need back up if things turn nasty. If he has nowhere to go speak to the RSPCA about the pets.

cherrysthename · 10/09/2022 13:34

The police will absolutely help you. It's your house. He has no right to be there unless you want him there. If you're nervous about police involvement, access Women's Aid's help and support with this.
OR simply wait until he's out of the house, keyless, then tell him he isn't welcome back. If he then proceeds to make a scene at the front door, or threaten you, then call the police.

winningeasy · 10/09/2022 13:35

Just say he has hit you, problem solved. You are not married, he is not on deeds. This happened to my friend and the female police officer suggested my friend exaggerate story to get him out, and it worked.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 10/09/2022 13:37

Pack his bags, leave his belongings outside, change the locks. On Monday when he’s at work. Text him and tell him. If he doesn’t just get his stuff and leave call the police.

have you asked him to leave?

FinallyHere · 10/09/2022 13:39

If I get his keys off him I shouldn't need to change the locks.

Too risky. Much better take the easiest path here which will be to change the locks.

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 13:43

winningeasy · 10/09/2022 13:35

Just say he has hit you, problem solved. You are not married, he is not on deeds. This happened to my friend and the female police officer suggested my friend exaggerate story to get him out, and it worked.

This.

Also do you have the means to hire private security for a few days? Some big bloke standing at your door might deter him from returning.

KosherDill · 10/09/2022 13:45

And don't let the issue of the animals stop you from kicking him out.

Are they reptiles or mammals? Maybe you can call a rescue group Monday to come fetch them.

What age is this loser, btw? What does he do for a living that he wants to be gaming during the work day??

icelollycraving · 10/09/2022 13:50

Is he one of those people who insist they are ex military but aren’t?
I would call the police and say he’s threatened you. Be careful. Definitely get the locks changed it’s too risky. As much as they should be unavailable, presumably they are dodgy people who could have cut keys? You’ll feel safer with new locks. Can you have record on your phone on?

Bobbybobbins · 10/09/2022 13:50

My DSis was in a relationship that sounds quite similar. She ended up calling an ambulance one night as he had self harmed, saying she had 'driven him to it' by going out without him. The police also attended and charged him with coercive behaviour on the spot. Good luck with getting help and getting out OP!

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:55

I'm not sure I could lie and say he's been physically abusive if he hasn't. I don't owe him any loyalty but I couldn't do that to someone.

I'll definitely be contacting women's aid/police on Monday. Thanks for the advice & support

OP posts:
Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:56

He's definitely ex military. He keeps his military card/book thing in his wallet

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 10/09/2022 13:56

I called the police once (101) because I was worried about a friend whose boyfriend behaved like yours. They went round there the same evening and got him out. They took all his possessions so he would have no reason to go back, then kept hold of him until after the locks were changed. Give them a ring, they deal with men like this every day.

Dery · 10/09/2022 13:57

I think it’s a really bad idea to lie about him having hit you. It may well come out that you’ve lied and that will totally undermine your credibility. The behaviour you’re describing is violent behaviour. He is keeping you in check by verbally terrorising you and has now threatened to kill you. It constitutes coercive control and assault (assault is causing someone to fear physical violence, battery is actual physical violence). You don’t need to lie about it. You are in danger from this man.

Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 13:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Dery · 10/09/2022 13:58

As you say - do NOT lie. It makes you an unreliable witness.

tribpot · 10/09/2022 13:59

If you work from home, could you leave the area and go and work from the house of a family member or friend? This is obviously not a long term solution given it's your house (and god knows what he might do to it in your absence) but it sounds as if you don't physically need to be in Manchester. It doesn't sound like it would be ideal if the police forced him out but these exotic pets were still in residence either.

Unless you have verifiable evidence he is ex-military, ex-sniper and an ex-gun owner, I would assume these are probably lies to frighten you. But you should absolutely report it all to the police.

Could anyone come and stay with you this weekend? A friend who just happened to be visiting Manchester?

Dery · 10/09/2022 14:00

Do NOT let on that you’re looking to get him out. He may do something with the pets. I would also ask MNHQ to remove the reference to the pets and his job because that information makes you and him quite easy to identify.

AsterixInEngland · 10/09/2022 14:02

Dery · 10/09/2022 14:00

Do NOT let on that you’re looking to get him out. He may do something with the pets. I would also ask MNHQ to remove the reference to the pets and his job because that information makes you and him quite easy to identify.

I agree.

And as others have said, get some advice from women aid. You need to get out in a safe way.

newbiename · 10/09/2022 14:03

winningeasy · 10/09/2022 13:35

Just say he has hit you, problem solved. You are not married, he is not on deeds. This happened to my friend and the female police officer suggested my friend exaggerate story to get him out, and it worked.

Don't lie

VioletInsolence · 10/09/2022 14:04

I’d involve the police asap. If you lack his stuff and change the locks on Monday you’re going to be a nervous wreck and there’s a danger of him coming home. If you get the police involved he’ll know you’re serious. Also if you just tell the police you’re throwing him out (as someone else said), it’s possible they won’t take it as seriously and you won’t get the same immediate help with alarms etc.

Original poster
Nickwinkle · 10/09/2022 14:04

I've seen his military card & his gun. It was at his old house before he relocated up here but had to give it up as you need to inform local police about it and they said no. Definitely military. He also has scars from being in Afghanistan from being blown up and shot. 100% military.

I really do not have anyone within 3 hours of where I live. I have previous posts explaining why... I'm NC with my family which are an hour and a half away. I have pets too which I can't leave and I can't take with me.

I'm very cut off from everyone. I was in the midle of selling & relocating closer to work/family but looks like that's going to be a very bad idea and I need to pull out asap.

OP posts: