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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage councillor agrees

100 replies

namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 02:33

...with my husband that it's okay if our child is 5-10mins late for school. I disagree. I'm not sure how to deal with this in the counselling room or now doing the school morning routine as my husband now 'knows' he's right.

Drop off is between 7.45 and 8.30am. I think the latest our child should arrive at school is 8.30am. I leave 15mins wiggle room for tantrums, accidents etc. Our little one is incredibly difficult to manage and needs active parenting to get dressed, get breakfast eaten etc. he is almost four, it's an independent pre-prep. I wish my husband would actively help or at least just leave me to it. He wants to do the fun stuff and not the difficult boundary setting/time keeping.

So I'm not drip feeding, I have noticed our son has some PDA (pathological demand avoidance) traits, he is not my only child. I think his father/my husband is quite similar. They are both highly intelligent and articulate.

I am exhausted. My marriage councillor has just made it worse for me by saying 5-10mins late for school is okay when I do not think it is, or rather I don't think it is if it's just my husband watching cartoons with my son instead of getting him to eat his breakfast. How do I proceed now? I'm dreading the morning 'routine'.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 09/09/2022 02:56

I used to be a couples' counsellor, and am surprised that your counselor thought it appropriate to weigh in on the disagreement, or at least a disagreement like this. I know everyone works differently, but if this had been me, I'd have encouraged you both to talk it through until a resolution was reached that worked for everyone (where possible), as opposed to siding with one party, which feels inappropriate and unhelpful in the broader scheme of things. Fwiw, I would agree (privately!) with you that dropping a child off late every day wasn't good or necessary assuming there are no mitigating factors (rather than just wanting to get a few more minutes in front of the tv). Sorry OP, not sure what to suggest but you have my sympathy. Would it be possible to try a different counsellor, if you feel like this one isn't able to be objective/not take sides?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 09/09/2022 03:01

It is a school issue. If he is consistently late then they will pull him up on it.

i might be tempted to get a differen councillor and have a quiet word with the school giving my blessing to. My husband getting lines or being made to sit in the corner or support to help him get your son to school on time and not disrupt the system.

Rosebel · 09/09/2022 05:23

Don't school say anything? Usually they will speak to the parents if your child is often late. Do you take it in turns to do the school run? If so maybe you can ask if someone at school can tell your husband his child needs to be on time.
I can't imagine how annoying and disruptive it is to the teacher and other children if your son is often 10 minutes later.
And you need a better councilor.

Dery · 09/09/2022 05:39

Counsellor was out of order here in a range of ways. It’s not okay for your child to arrive late to school. I think getting to school on time is an important discipline. Pretty much every other parent will be delivering their child to school on time and will be uncomfortable for your child to be the exception.

Aubree17 · 09/09/2022 05:42

octoberfarm · 09/09/2022 02:56

I used to be a couples' counsellor, and am surprised that your counselor thought it appropriate to weigh in on the disagreement, or at least a disagreement like this. I know everyone works differently, but if this had been me, I'd have encouraged you both to talk it through until a resolution was reached that worked for everyone (where possible), as opposed to siding with one party, which feels inappropriate and unhelpful in the broader scheme of things. Fwiw, I would agree (privately!) with you that dropping a child off late every day wasn't good or necessary assuming there are no mitigating factors (rather than just wanting to get a few more minutes in front of the tv). Sorry OP, not sure what to suggest but you have my sympathy. Would it be possible to try a different counsellor, if you feel like this one isn't able to be objective/not take sides?

Agree with this 100%.

fallfallfall · 09/09/2022 05:50

Your child is only “almost four” he’s a three year old?? Of course it’s fine if he’s late for day care. It’s not school. It’s better for his experience to be positive and enjoyable at this stage regardless of the time.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:19

I'm working on the routine (learning traffic etc) as he's just started, he's not been late yet because I've added some wiggle room but my husband and councillor say let my husband take him late as I've married a renegade unstructured type of man and need to get used to that. The school (it's a pre-prep school nursery now with full uniform) want the children to learn a routine and to be all in between 7.45-8.30am.

My husband will be dropping him some days next week, on his days (our son's been going to another full nursery before) I prep the bag, snack, clothes etc because my husband doesn't know how (!). On my days I do everything. This is the issue I was bringing up in the counselling session. I wish it was as simple as he's late on my husbands days, he's sabotaged my efforts this week, I want my husband onside in the morning. My son absolutely loves it there so far, he's been visiting for a year and has settled in well.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 09/09/2022 06:33

Your child is THREE YEARS OLD!! He should not be in a uniform. That aside, in order for your husband to improve his skills you need to allow him to fail. Your child will be fine and your husband learning curve will not affect his Oxford application. Relax.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:38

Obviously the uniform is a soft suitable one for his age, the blazers start in reception. Nobody has a problem with the uniform.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:41

I did suggest I do everything on my days and I'll take him in on time and vice versa. The councillor said that's not the point we should work together. The whole problem is he's not working with me.

OP posts:
Violettaa · 09/09/2022 06:42

So he’s not actually been late yet, and it’s not school (whatever uniform they have).

Chill the fuck out.

marvellousmaple · 09/09/2022 06:43

Damn. 3yo!!

TheMoonisaBalloon · 09/09/2022 06:45

I think you should change your councillor, they have no business giving any opinions of their own. That's not their function.

Midlifemusings · 09/09/2022 06:46

I think this sounds more like you are very controlling and rigid (maybe highly anxious?) and the counsellor is trying to work on more flexible thinking and accepting that your husband's role isn't to fall in line with your demands and control. Souds more to me that her comments relate to the dyanamic than to thinking it is good for kids to go to school late. To you your husband doesn't know anything and can't do anything right because only your way is the right way. She is working on that thinking.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:48

I don't see the issue with 3? He loves it. Some babies have been in childcare from 6mths at 7.30am and good for them. My son is very bright, ready for school and only going in the morning. If he's late he's missing out. I don't make the timing rules, the school do, my husband has agreed to send him so I think he should help get him in on time or stay out of it.

OP posts:
tocas · 09/09/2022 06:51

Just let your husband get on with it on his days?

fallguys2 · 09/09/2022 06:52

Did the counsellor actually weigh in on the argument and say 'I think it's fine to be late for school'?

Or is this just how you have interpreted something else they said (e.g. encouraging you to think more flexibly/ take on board what your husband is saying?)

Counsellors are not really meant to express an opinion like this and I'm surprised if s/he did.

If the counsellor actually 'sided' with your husband and explicitly said you are wrong, then that is not professional and you should look at getting a new counsellor.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:54

tocas · 09/09/2022 06:51

Just let your husband get on with it on his days?

That's what I said but apparently we have to work together. I still think this is what I'll do. I do my days, and he can 100% do his. I don't think my husband will care if he doesn't have his snack or extra clothes etc as "the school will deal with it".

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 09/09/2022 06:56

He's "almost four" - so three? Of course he needs active parenting! Tbh he'll probably need it for quite a while yet.
Your husband sounds like a right idiot but if he's in nursery then it really doesn't matter what time he turns up. He doesn't legally have to be in school for another year and a half.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:01

YukoandHiro · 09/09/2022 06:56

He's "almost four" - so three? Of course he needs active parenting! Tbh he'll probably need it for quite a while yet.
Your husband sounds like a right idiot but if he's in nursery then it really doesn't matter what time he turns up. He doesn't legally have to be in school for another year and a half.

I agree. He doesn't need to be in nursery, I'm just trying to get into a routine. Also, it's my time it's eating into. Obvs if my husband has something early or important he just goes off and does it. I'm left with less time trying to get them out the door. He starts legal school next September. He's almost four, I'm obviously not giving out his birthday!

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 07:04

fallguys2 · 09/09/2022 06:52

Did the counsellor actually weigh in on the argument and say 'I think it's fine to be late for school'?

Or is this just how you have interpreted something else they said (e.g. encouraging you to think more flexibly/ take on board what your husband is saying?)

Counsellors are not really meant to express an opinion like this and I'm surprised if s/he did.

If the counsellor actually 'sided' with your husband and explicitly said you are wrong, then that is not professional and you should look at getting a new counsellor.

Absolutely this.

Delabruche · 09/09/2022 07:04

The counsellor seems to be pitting you against each other. Yanbu.

Brainstorm22 · 09/09/2022 07:09

No idea why you're getting a hard time about your son wearing a uniform. My daughter went to kindergarten at 3 and the uniform was tracksuit bottoms and a sweatshirt.

It's not school..just a slightly more structured environment than nursery. They still had lots of time for free play. My daughter started school a few weeks ago and is loving it. She is used to a little bit of routine, wearing a uniform, listening so it hasn't been such a leap for her.

Back to the point of your thread. I'm like you and my partner was like your husband. We are now divorced as I couldn't cope with the difference in our approaches to everything.

You need to compromise, be less anxious and learn to work together. Both him and you.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:11

Midlifemusings · 09/09/2022 06:46

I think this sounds more like you are very controlling and rigid (maybe highly anxious?) and the counsellor is trying to work on more flexible thinking and accepting that your husband's role isn't to fall in line with your demands and control. Souds more to me that her comments relate to the dyanamic than to thinking it is good for kids to go to school late. To you your husband doesn't know anything and can't do anything right because only your way is the right way. She is working on that thinking.

This is what he was wanting to explore. But I don't make up the school times. The school do want the children in at 8.30am. Im happy for my husband to do it any way, I'd love him to do it any way he likes but I think the school timings should be adhered to.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:12

Brainstorm22 · 09/09/2022 07:09

No idea why you're getting a hard time about your son wearing a uniform. My daughter went to kindergarten at 3 and the uniform was tracksuit bottoms and a sweatshirt.

It's not school..just a slightly more structured environment than nursery. They still had lots of time for free play. My daughter started school a few weeks ago and is loving it. She is used to a little bit of routine, wearing a uniform, listening so it hasn't been such a leap for her.

Back to the point of your thread. I'm like you and my partner was like your husband. We are now divorced as I couldn't cope with the difference in our approaches to everything.

You need to compromise, be less anxious and learn to work together. Both him and you.

I suspect we are going the same way.

OP posts:
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