Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage councillor agrees

100 replies

namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 02:33

...with my husband that it's okay if our child is 5-10mins late for school. I disagree. I'm not sure how to deal with this in the counselling room or now doing the school morning routine as my husband now 'knows' he's right.

Drop off is between 7.45 and 8.30am. I think the latest our child should arrive at school is 8.30am. I leave 15mins wiggle room for tantrums, accidents etc. Our little one is incredibly difficult to manage and needs active parenting to get dressed, get breakfast eaten etc. he is almost four, it's an independent pre-prep. I wish my husband would actively help or at least just leave me to it. He wants to do the fun stuff and not the difficult boundary setting/time keeping.

So I'm not drip feeding, I have noticed our son has some PDA (pathological demand avoidance) traits, he is not my only child. I think his father/my husband is quite similar. They are both highly intelligent and articulate.

I am exhausted. My marriage councillor has just made it worse for me by saying 5-10mins late for school is okay when I do not think it is, or rather I don't think it is if it's just my husband watching cartoons with my son instead of getting him to eat his breakfast. How do I proceed now? I'm dreading the morning 'routine'.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:16

fallguys2 · 09/09/2022 06:52

Did the counsellor actually weigh in on the argument and say 'I think it's fine to be late for school'?

Or is this just how you have interpreted something else they said (e.g. encouraging you to think more flexibly/ take on board what your husband is saying?)

Counsellors are not really meant to express an opinion like this and I'm surprised if s/he did.

If the counsellor actually 'sided' with your husband and explicitly said you are wrong, then that is not professional and you should look at getting a new counsellor.

Yes, he said I have a renegade husband and have to get used to this. 5-10 mins late for school does not matter and accept it. It will eat into my morning and make me hit the slow traffic and make my son miss play if we just send him late. Obvs if my husband has an important morning he just does it and leaves it to me. I'm not important enough to need him in on time.

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 09/09/2022 07:16

On his days to do the morning nursery run leave him to it. If he’s late, the staff will mention it IF it really matters (which it won’t) eventually your husband (or ex) will get the gyst that punctuality is considerate.
you really should let him try and fumble through this.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:22

fallfallfall · 09/09/2022 07:16

On his days to do the morning nursery run leave him to it. If he’s late, the staff will mention it IF it really matters (which it won’t) eventually your husband (or ex) will get the gyst that punctuality is considerate.
you really should let him try and fumble through this.

I agree. Any ideas how I can stop him putting on cartoons and starting games on my mornings? Just writing all this is bs, I can see he's sabotaging. I genuinely don't think he'll care if he annoys the school. Or my son. He just does as he likes. I think that's actually what the councillor is saying put up and shut up or get out.

OP posts:
Numbat2022 · 09/09/2022 07:25

Can't you insist your husband takes your son to nursery? That way he's dealing with the staff's reaction. I would be surprised if they care he's not in at 8.30 but that's not the point here. You need to make your husband do a truly equal share.

fallfallfall · 09/09/2022 07:29

You don’t stop you don’t come up with alternative ideas you stay in the ensuite getting yourself ready, in the den doing yoga or in the garage washing the car, maybe a morning jog. Stay out of it. Ignore it all. Let him do it his way.
if indeed he is F?/!&ng with your mind, you will need to divorce him.
you’ll certainly know within 6 weeks time.

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 07:29

namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 06:41

I did suggest I do everything on my days and I'll take him in on time and vice versa. The councillor said that's not the point we should work together. The whole problem is he's not working with me.

Your suggestion is the obvious one.
And he does everything on his days.

I would be concerned about the counsellor as they have made matters worse rather than helping you to work together.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/09/2022 07:32

I prep the bag, snack, clothes etc because my husband doesn't know how (!).

Of course he knows how for fucks sake! Can he wipe his own arse? On your husbands days let him get on with it, and if they are late he deals with it.

smileandsing · 09/09/2022 07:36

Two choices, leave him to it, he fails to pack the right stuff, DS is late, DH deals with the fall out, or do it all yourself all the time. If you can't do it all it's sink or swim time for him.
And get a new counsellor, they should be impartial and try to help the situation between you, not make it worse.

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 07:37

Turn the TV off every time it gets turned on.

felulageller · 09/09/2022 07:38

He's checked out of parenting.

You are incompatible.

Do you really think this marriage is worth fighting for?

Midlifemusings · 09/09/2022 07:39

But he has never taken your child to school late. It hasn't actually happened.

And the more you make this a big issue, the more he is going to dig his heels in as well and not care about the time. His role isn't to do as you tell him. He is an independent adult.

You need to work on your rigidity. LIkely the counsellor posed it as a hypothetical (given it hasn't actually happened) to help you see it wouldn't be the end of the world and the responsibility is on him on his days. You instead are fixated on the time.

EmEllGee · 09/09/2022 07:45

@namechangeofthehour

I completely agree with you. I work in a pre-prep with children that age - and there is an expectation that they come in on time. We do record lates. I’d speak to the school. Ask them if 5 to 10 mins is ok. They would say no - because it then makes it acceptable for other children to do the same. Prep schools at that age often have some timetabled lessons (PE, Music, Forest School) - and the children do need to be there on time.

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 07:50

Agree that you do all the morning routine.
Your DH does the afternoon/evening routine.

EVHead · 09/09/2022 07:50

Focus on what you need to do on the days DH is preparing your DS for school. Ignore what DH is doing and get on with your day.

Just because a counsellor said something doesn’t mean you have to do it.

Let DH get the bag ready, etc and if he messes up it’s on him. If DS is late to school, let DH deal with it. He’s not your staff member to manage - let him get on with it.

By the time DS starts more formal school, your DH will have learned how to get him ready in the morning. If he hasn’t, you have a choice whether to do everything yourself or divorce the sorry excuse for an adult.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:55

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 07:50

Agree that you do all the morning routine.
Your DH does the afternoon/evening routine.

Don't even start me on the bedtime routine "help".

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 07:57

Would life be easier if you lived separately?

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 07:58

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 07:57

Would life be easier if you lived separately?

Different countries worked really well for a while!

OP posts:
qpmz · 09/09/2022 08:01

Do you mean late for class or late so as not to have the15 mins wiggle room? I think this makes a difference. Late for class frequently is not good but skipping the wiggle room is ok.

KangarooKenny · 09/09/2022 08:03

I agree that a counsellor shouldn’t give opinions. If your DH wants to know if it’s ok to be late he needs to ask school, not a random person.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:12

qpmz · 09/09/2022 08:01

Do you mean late for class or late so as not to have the15 mins wiggle room? I think this makes a difference. Late for class frequently is not good but skipping the wiggle room is ok.

Late for class. The wiggle room is for my son. My husband is eating into it currently. My son is very difficult to get ready, I feel there maybe some issues. Today he had his uniform on twice as he wasn't ready, including changing back into his pjs and staring again. I asleep had to cut all the labels out of his jogging bottoms. He does have a few signs of pda as I said before. So does my husband. We are at school having a car breakfast! 😆

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:13

*also had to cut the labels

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 08:15

I'd wager some of your son's issues are down to inconsistent parenting.

Blowthemandown · 09/09/2022 08:16

@namechangeofthehour I know you said you have to do prep on husband’s days but - no you don’t. He’s a grown-up. Say, I’m leaving you to do your days how you want. If the nursery says anything to you about his days and lateness, ask them to mention it to him (if it happens). Go out so you won’t interfere. Sounds like you are at least trying but he won’t, so better out of sight out of mind, although long term he’s probably not right for you.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2022 08:20

Yes, he said I have a renegade husband and have to get used to this.

Your marriage counsellor said this?! Where did you find this person!

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:26

oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 08:15

I'd wager some of your son's issues are down to inconsistent parenting.

I'm trying to work this out, by being consistent. I want a consistent co- parent.

OP posts: