Marriage councillor agrees

[namechangeofthehour]

...with my husband that it's okay if our child is 5-10mins late for school. I disagree. I'm not sure how to deal with this in the counselling room or now doing the school morning routine as my husband now 'knows' he's right.

Drop off is between 7.45 and 8.30am. I think the latest our child should arrive at school is 8.30am. I leave 15mins wiggle room for tantrums, accidents etc. Our little one is incredibly difficult to manage and needs active parenting to get dressed, get breakfast eaten etc. he is almost four, it's an independent pre-prep. I wish my husband would actively help or at least just leave me to it. He wants to do the fun stuff and not the difficult boundary setting/time keeping.

So I'm not drip feeding, I have noticed our son has some PDA (pathological demand avoidance) traits, he is not my only child. I think his father/my husband is quite similar. They are both highly intelligent and articulate.

I am exhausted. My marriage councillor has just made it worse for me by saying 5-10mins late for school is okay when I do not think it is, or rather I don't think it is if it's just my husband watching cartoons with my son instead of getting him to eat his breakfast. How do I proceed now? I'm dreading the morning 'routine'.

So you want him there by 8.30 and allow "wiggle room" so what time does the bell actually go for the kids to get in their classroom and do the proper register? Never what you are describing to me (7.45-8.30 being offered by the school) is actually breakfast club. I reckon the kids class actually STARTS as 8.45 and you just want him to be there 10-15 minutes early. Nothing wrong with that, but if your DH wants to drop him off at the ACTUAL start time that's fine too.

OP do the nursery actually consider that your DP is bringing him in late? What time is he getting there?

Her DP has never taken him yet. She is assuming he will take him late next week when it is his turn to do drop offs.

OP - it sounds like you have gotten used to being fully in control of daily routine while your H lived abroad or away somewhere, and now that you are in the same place, you are struggling with adjusting to anything that is not exactly your way.
And - in many ways you sound like a person who is fully convinced that their way of doing things is the only right way. It doesn’t matter what specific issue it is about, really. It isn’t easy to live with a partner with this sort of inflexibility and lack of understanding that there are really few absolute ‘right’ ways in parenting, most things are choices and preferences.

If you think that insisting on your ways to do everything is important enough - then divorcing is really the only way to avoid a lot of unhappiness for all of you.

As to your quite specific diagnosis of your child (and H) with a condition not officially recognised by DSM - I’d be careful with labelling your child, as you are not his doctor. If he does have issues - they’ll be picked up in school and he’ll be referred. But plenty of small kids are hard to get going in the morning - and it could be nothing or any number of conditions.

I won’t argue with you about importance being on time/late to nursery.

Personally - I think it doesn’t have to become a battle of wills between you and your H.

Some of it could be resolved by talking about ground rules - say no TV/games in the morning, which is common sense and few would argue with that. But it also could be useful to accept that lateness can happen, and it’s not the end of the world, certainly not in that age.

Just divorce already.

So he’s never even been late?? You need to chill out. Also loads of kids don’t like tags in clothes it doesn’t mean they have PDA. Maybe you should look at you and your husbands parenting before labelling your child with a condition.

That's what I'm doing. He's been late to his old nursery many time as it didn't really matter, they didn't like him coming in half way through singing etc but it was just a nursery. The school want them in at the latest by 8.30am. They suggest aiming for earlier if they are a slow starter which is what I was already aiming for.

I agree. Only my husband loses his house slave.

Any way is fine with me, I just want to stick to the school timing as requested.

@namechangeofthehour

You are missing a point. Intentionally or unintentionally you are making it some sort of a war of wills. Or maybe looking for a reason, as it does seem that you are feeling
resentful of your H. Calling yourself a ‘house slave’ is quite telling.

We aren’t in your marriage - so it’s hard to really tell what is actually happening in your relationship.
On the surface - just judging by the morning routine situation - you are blowing it out of proportion. Pre-school is still only a nursery and they may ‘want him to be on time’, but divorcing over occasional lateness is certainly OTT.
However - if this is some last straw sort of situation - sure. Anything can trigger the decision you may be pondering.

Personally - I do get it’s easier if just one parent (you) decides what’s ‘right’ and how to do things. It’s much harder to force that on another parent who is different from you. Compromises suck, but are required for a family to survive. And if not possible - then there is really only one way to go.

@MMmomDD you're right, it is one of many issues. You've also pointed out to me that I compromise on every single issue, even how I do the school run.

Your child is at nursery not school.

My children went to a nursery attached to a pre-prep/prep school and loads of kids arrived a bit late.

I think you’re choosing to make a big thing out of this by deliberately using the word “school” to garner support.

Being late for school is completely different to being late for nursery (whether or not the children wear uniform, or it’s attached to a school, private or otherwise).

Even though the school/nursery have asked us to bring them in on time? My husband is correct to just pop on a cartoon and watch at leisure eating into my morning as well?

"Even though the school/nursery have asked us to bring them in on time? My husband is correct to just pop on a cartoon and watch at leisure eating into my morning as well?"

Just because the nursery/school (Whatever you refer to it as) has asked you to be on time does not mean that you have to make it the be all and end all of your mornings existence. You have stated in your posts that, so far your child has never actually been late.

I really don't think this is an issue to get so het up on - even to the point it's potentially damaging your marriage.

Seriously, my kids were late to stuff all the time - right from pre-school all the way up - generally they were on time to school but we got the odd detention here and there - OK so we didn't go to a posh private school - but still. The point is they are now both older teenagers and making their own way into their respective colleges and they're both doing great - they are responsible for their own time keeping and know the consequences if they miss the bus. All those "lates" honestly don't matter a tiny bit!!

Honestly I think the late for school thing is a big red herring here. If you genuinely have a problem with your marriage - it's not the school run. You need to talk to you husband about your parenting style and either agree a compromise. You need to chill out a bit - and your husband needs to own some responsibilities. I think you also need to accept that while he was away you made your own routines - and things are bound to change now that he's back home again. I'm surprized you're not being told this by the marriage counsellor.

@namechangeofthehour

I recognise some of my traits in you, I also think I know better what the kids need and how to do it all. In my case - we can manage because my H doesn’t get involved as he isn’t around much.

Like you - when my kids were smaller - I didn’t realise that it was sort of controlling that way. For a good reasons too - of course - as I was fully focused on my kids and wanted to do everything right for them.

With time passing, kids growing up and observing so many parents around me - I think I have relaxed a bit. And also realised that a lot of things that seem so important - may not be in the long run.
I think I also gained some self awareness and recognise that I am a certain way. Sometimes it’s OK, sometimes I have to stop myself.

You sound similar to how I used to be.

It is unlikely you are compromising on every little thing - and certainly not on the morning routine, not by your description anyway.

This is not my only child, my children span a 13 year age difference. I'm much more chill after raising teenagers. My teenagers tell my husband I am the least stressful parent of all the friends. I agree. Lots of assumptions here but thank you for the input. I have a lot to think about from all the responses. Thank you for the links.

@namechangeofthehour

I don’t know what to say. If this is you being chill - than I can’t really imagine what the less chI’ll version of you is.
Or why you can get so worked up about nursery start time.

However - you don’t need to convince us here. You don’t really need a reason to want to end a marriage. If you are just too tired of having to be in a relationship - maybe you will be better as co-parents.

So he is doing drop off every other week? I’d say it’s simples then. You should leave early on his week and not get your child ready and say you’re happy to do it all on your mornings. He can turn the tv on for as long as he wants but he will eventually have to dress and feed his child, without wifey to do it for him. Forget start time on his weeks, it’s far more important to either gain some balance in your caring responsibilities or work out he can’t do that than it is to enforce an early start time on a 3 or 4 year old.
you phrase it as you’re taking on board what the therapist says and trying to just let him do it his way, to make sure you do this you’re taking yourself out of the way (go for a walk/ coffee / start work early, as long as you’re not there) and you’re happy to make up for it by doing it all on your drop off mornings.

Your son is three and you think he has PDA? Isn't it a little young to think about diagnosing this? Its normal for three year olds to avoid demands on them, especially when they want to do something else.

I think I find that the most concerning comment here.

I think people are missing the point that it doesn't seem to be a question of your husband learning to organise his mornings and how to get your son ready because he doesn't want to! This is not his aim. He is actively sabotaging your and his own efforts.

How stressful for you!

Hopefully now that you have let the school know, you will have that particular stress off your mind because they know what the deal is.

I agree that it looks like the only thing you can do is leave it to him on his days and somehow be firmer about him butting out of your days.

And regarding being late for nursery IMO it does matter - it is disturbing and distracting for the workers and the other kids. And it's just rude.

Thank you.

If you can, let him get on with it. Don't remind, hassle or berate him. Simply do your bit, then put the kettle on and have some time for you.

If your son is late, he's late.

If it's an issue with the school, have a quiet word with the preschool. Ask them to send a letter home saying your son was late in and specifying which days your son was late arriving. Give this to your husband.

This is between your husband and the school. You are doing your bit.

You obviously have some money. Why not get an Au Par/ nanny to do the school runs. Lots of people want extra money. Plenty of lovely students, between job, part time workers who would be glad of the work. They come in at 7 am and nether of you need to worry.

You are 100% the opposite of chill! No one has ever called you chill...

You come across as a wound up ball of anxiety and need for control. You already preemptively went to the school to tell them that next week your husband might bring your child late and what will they hypothetically do it about. You are talking to a therapist to work thought the major stressor in your life of the possibility your son could arrive at daycare a few minutes late.

If my husband went somewhere ahead of me and told them I might be late I would find that so undermining and disrespectful