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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage councillor agrees

100 replies

namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 02:33

...with my husband that it's okay if our child is 5-10mins late for school. I disagree. I'm not sure how to deal with this in the counselling room or now doing the school morning routine as my husband now 'knows' he's right.

Drop off is between 7.45 and 8.30am. I think the latest our child should arrive at school is 8.30am. I leave 15mins wiggle room for tantrums, accidents etc. Our little one is incredibly difficult to manage and needs active parenting to get dressed, get breakfast eaten etc. he is almost four, it's an independent pre-prep. I wish my husband would actively help or at least just leave me to it. He wants to do the fun stuff and not the difficult boundary setting/time keeping.

So I'm not drip feeding, I have noticed our son has some PDA (pathological demand avoidance) traits, he is not my only child. I think his father/my husband is quite similar. They are both highly intelligent and articulate.

I am exhausted. My marriage councillor has just made it worse for me by saying 5-10mins late for school is okay when I do not think it is, or rather I don't think it is if it's just my husband watching cartoons with my son instead of getting him to eat his breakfast. How do I proceed now? I'm dreading the morning 'routine'.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 08:30

I prep the bag, snack, clothes etc because my husband doesn't know how (!).

Can he read? If he can read, write a list. He follows the list. Done.

He's got a job so presumably he can follow simple instructions at a minimum.

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 08:30

Yes, he said I have a renegade husband and have to get used to this.

If he really said this then you need a new counsellor immediately. It's completely inappropriate and overstepping.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:31

Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2022 08:20

Yes, he said I have a renegade husband and have to get used to this.

Your marriage counsellor said this?! Where did you find this person!

To be fair he's been pretty helpful and neutral on other things. I also understand what he's trying to explore. This is not helping me, it's just causing more morning stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:33

wellhelloitsme · 09/09/2022 08:30

I prep the bag, snack, clothes etc because my husband doesn't know how (!).

Can he read? If he can read, write a list. He follows the list. Done.

He's got a job so presumably he can follow simple instructions at a minimum.

He has staff to do everything. He's currently between projects so getting under my feet.

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 09/09/2022 08:35

namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:26

I'm trying to work this out, by being consistent. I want a consistent co- parent.

Show quote history

Sorry if it came across that I meant *you were parenting inconsistently. You seem fine. It's your DH and the difference between you and your DH. He gets no boundaries with DH it seems and he gets mixed messages because you and DH differ.

Seaoftroubles · 09/09/2022 08:36

What is a Renegade Husband for heavens sake? You say your counsellor called him this and said you'd have to accept it? Where on earth did you find the counsellor?

Puglover287 · 09/09/2022 08:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:39

@oviraptor21 thank you, that's how I took it. We have an issue, I'm trying to parent well either by encourage a regulator routine in the morning or work out if there is a neuro diversity to work with.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 08:44

Have a look at this- strategies for working with the ‘Rebel’ personality trait: gretchenrubin.com/2017/08/four-tendencies-rebels-habits/

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 08:47

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 08:44

Have a look at this- strategies for working with the ‘Rebel’ personality trait: gretchenrubin.com/2017/08/four-tendencies-rebels-habits/

Or listen in the car on the way back from the school run!
gretchenrubin.com/podcast-episode/podcast-38-do-you-hate-being-told-what-to-do-maybe-youre-a-rebel/

ittakes2 · 09/09/2022 08:48

please google infant reflexes not going dormant (triggered by your comment about labels being cut out)
also sounds like they both might do with investigation for ADHD as time management and planning is a key issue

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:49

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 08:44

Have a look at this- strategies for working with the ‘Rebel’ personality trait: gretchenrubin.com/2017/08/four-tendencies-rebels-habits/

Thank you! This looks very interesting.

OP posts:
justaladyLOL · 09/09/2022 08:49

Constant lateness is a sign of ignorance and disrespect for other people simple as that

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:52

ittakes2 · 09/09/2022 08:48

please google infant reflexes not going dormant (triggered by your comment about labels being cut out)
also sounds like they both might do with investigation for ADHD as time management and planning is a key issue

Thank you. I've looked into testing, there is a one year private waiting list. The amount of learning difficulties listed put me off as there is not this issue. I have appointments with the school to discuss this and I'm in talks with our health visitor.

OP posts:
EmEllGee · 09/09/2022 08:53

I spoke to an ASD expert who said PDA can be particularly challenging, and if you potentially have two individuals like this to manage, it’s incredibly difficult. I’d ask for support from your school - and look to see if there are any courses/support out there. Your councillor needs to understand this too. It’s something that is gradually getting more recognised. My DC is currently have support and a potential ASD diagnosis - and the support I’ve had has been excellent. It’s not a ‘fault’ - it’s something that can mean a person is very intelligent/gifted. But it’s understanding the behaviour/finding strategies to help.

@namechangeofthehour

CaroHart · 09/09/2022 08:54

The problem is not your son being late for school. The problem is that you and your husband cannot make joint decisions, and are in a combative rather than a collaborative dynamic. The counsellor should of course be helping you to change that dynamic rather than adjudicating on something like this. This is not a matter of who is right or wrong, it is a matter of what you both, collectively, want for your child and how you manage your joint parenting of him. Please find a counsellor/therapist who can help you with that.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:57

justaladyLOL · 09/09/2022 08:49

Constant lateness is a sign of ignorance and disrespect for other people simple as that

I agree, not even a perfect time keeper. I do like to get my children into school on time though. I don't think this should be a tricky issue.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/09/2022 08:58

I think to a certain extent you will need to take on how you manage the problem - not ‘incite a spirit of resistance’ as Gretchen Rubin would say. So there are ways to get what you need, but you have to accept a certain extent of not being in control exactly how you would do it. I suspect this is what the counsellor was getting at. Obviously your DS shouldn’t be late for school as a habit, but insisting on the hard boundary probably makes it more likely it will get tested. So you need a strategy to remove the obstacle but still get to the same goal.

I know it’s frustrating. But it definitely works better to catch flies with honey with this personality type.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 09/09/2022 08:58

I think if you called this day care or nursery, the counsellors advice would make more sense. It would also be more accurate. Next year your son will need to be on time. Your oh can spend this year figuring out how to get him there on time in his own way.

Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 08:58

EmEllGee · 09/09/2022 08:53

I spoke to an ASD expert who said PDA can be particularly challenging, and if you potentially have two individuals like this to manage, it’s incredibly difficult. I’d ask for support from your school - and look to see if there are any courses/support out there. Your councillor needs to understand this too. It’s something that is gradually getting more recognised. My DC is currently have support and a potential ASD diagnosis - and the support I’ve had has been excellent. It’s not a ‘fault’ - it’s something that can mean a person is very intelligent/gifted. But it’s understanding the behaviour/finding strategies to help.

@namechangeofthehour

Yes, thank you. It is very difficult. I am quite exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechangeofthehour · 09/09/2022 09:00

I spoke to the school. If my husband brings him late they will encourage him to be on time and stress the importance for my son. They do want them in at the latest time or they miss out.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/09/2022 09:06

Does your DH want your DS at that school? If so I'd explain they could use regular lateness as a reason to ask him to leave!

I think you will struggle to ever co-parent with him well as he doesn't care about what is best for your DS.

crowdedout · 09/09/2022 09:08

Nursery - not a problem unless it then has a knock on for you being late. Much better that a 3 year old has a pleasant experience going in to prepare them for actual school where being late is unacceptable.

I'm baffled that your RC passed a judgment though.

knittingaddict · 09/09/2022 09:22

Yes, he said I have a renegade husband and have to get used to this.

Wow. What does that even mean? It certainly doesn't sound good or compatible with family life. If the counsellor said that then they are terrible at their job and you need a different one. Having said that my spidey senses are going off and I'm not sure joint counselling is in your best interests.

deeperthanallroses · 09/09/2022 09:28

What did the counsellor say about your husband will just leave? So his ‘relaxed approach‘ is actually ‘you do it all’ approach in which case what is the point of him (which you seem to be thinking yourself, and quite understandably)
I can’t get worked up about a 3 or a 4yo being late myself, that kind of time keeping is for school in my book but his leaving it all to you really is not ok.