Am I too demanding or is he an idiot? Or both?

[Angelsandstardust]

Just need a bit of perspective.

I'm not sure our relationship is working and I don't know whether he's the problem, I am, or we are just incompatible.

Our latest fall out; it was my teen daughters birthday yesterday and she desperately wanted a macrame hanging chair for her room.

Back in July I told my partner of my daughters request and he said he would need to check the loft to make sure the joists were in the right position to put the chair where she wanted it. I asked him to check "fairly soon" as I'm a bit short on money this year and wanted to order the chair ASAP whilst I has the cash available. He said OK.

A couple of weeks later he still hadn't been up to the loft. I mentioned it again, said I really do need to order the chair soon and again he said he would do it "soon".

Long story short, he never made it up to the loft despite me asking him every 10-14 days, I eventually had to order the chair or it wouldn't come on time for her birthday and I made him aware that I was ordering at the weekend, he still didn't go and check the loft.

It gets to yesterday and my daughter is thrilled with the chair, asks when it's going to be put up and partner says "tomorrow".
I'm frustrated as he really is a "manana manana" type person and I'm more one to get things done, especially as the chair was her main present. Mention this to partner and he starts drilling through daughters ceiling to find the joists.

After many holes we eventually found a joist, put the chair up and it promptly pulled out if the ceiling when we tested it :(

Today, partner has finally been up in the loft and discovered the joists are too thin to hold the weight of the chair and he needs to reinforce the joist we want to attach it to - which he has no idea how to do, and I'm not sure I would trust him to do it properly anyway as he's just watched a YouTube video and declared he's "learnt" how to do it.

I'm fuming.

I mentioned our previous discussions and first he said he had no recollection of me asking him to check the loft, then decided that actually he did remember me asking, but "didn't see the urgency as her birthday wasn't until September".

He says it's not his fault, I say it most definitely is as if he had gone up in the loft prior to me ordering the chair as I'd asked him to, we might have discovered this and we could have found a way around the issue.

Instead, I have a 14 year old disappointed that she cant use her main present and although she will get over it, it's his dismissiveness over it all that I'm annoyed with.

He's like this all the time, too, anytime I bring up something I'm not happy with, he goes monosyllabic, accuses me of slating him a d never admits he's wrong nor apologises.

Am I being unreasonably demanding or is he a bit of a pain in the backside?

anytime I bring up something I'm not happy with, he goes monosyllabic, accuses me of slating him a d never admits he's wrong nor apologises

How do you expect to ever resolve any issues with him?

I'm sure some people will say 'why couldn't you check the joists yourself?' but I understand that in most relationships, you each have jobs that are your 'department', and maybe he's much more practical in that DIY sense than you are.

So your request was reasonable and I totally understand why you're frustrated that he didn't keep his word, and kept putting off a relatively simple job, and as a result your daughter was disappointed on her birthday. If this was a one-off you'd likely live with it, but if he regularly lets you down / doesn't keep his word / puts stuff off, then I completely get your anger and frustration.

Add to that his refusal to discuss it, gaslighting and blaming you. Urgh.

You can only decide if you can live with it.

He's not great for going monosyllabic on you or for not checking in a more timely matter.it would annoy me too.
But- why could you not go check in the loft and have a look at the joist? That's what I would have done.

@Basilthymerosemary none of these are excuses, I wish I had've just gone up there myself to be honest.

But...I have fairly bad anxiety and ocd so going into the garage (where the stepladder to get into the loft is kept) is so difficult for me you wouldn't understand, I also suffer from vertigo I think as even going 2 steps up on a ladder makes me feel like I'm going to fall.

Plus when I said "shall I just check myself?" he said "no, I'll do it first thing in the morning". Then either sat on Facebook all day watching videos or went out all day talking to his supplier (work thing but not work chat, just friendly conversation that wasn't important from what I can gather).

I really should have just done it myself...

Well this is my problem, there are many issues other than this one and he refuses to discuss any of them.

He has now been to speak to the neighbour - who knows a lot about joinery and woodwork - and come up a feasible sounding plan for what to do, but is also now stomping around with a mardy face on. Another thing that always happens; when I ask why he's acting weird he usually says "I'm not" and gives off an attitude of "I'm not going to discuss further".

So you can't rely on his to do anything you need him to, you can't rely on him to open up and work through issues with you, what can you rely on him for? Other than sulks?

What is the point of staying in this relationship?

So, he's showing you his conflict resolution style. Do you want to be with someone who dismisses your discomfort in this way? What do you think you can do to change the situation? You'd have to either change him, or change yourself, so that you don't mind. What will you choose?

Hes making sure you don't ask for his help again. How dare you think you can decide how he spends his time.

I have one of these. If I don't remind him its my fault, if I do remind him I'm nagging. Our house has fallen apart. He won't do the jobs, he kicks off if I try, he refuses to pay professionals. I'm trying to find a way to leave. Its soul destroying.

Ahhh that makes sense. Sorry about his attitude- tell him to pull his finger out and do stuff.

Hopefully your daughter will enjoy her chair soon. X

What does he contribute, does he do his fair share of housework and pay his way? Is this a one off or does it happen no matter what you ask? Only you can decide if he is an equal partner in life, or passenger you are having to carry.

It's him, I married one of these.....leaves everything until I do it then gets exasperated and says he was about to do it🙄even his children tell him he would get nothing done without me, he then argues back with them and tells them of course he would even though they have witnessed years of him getting nothing done!
Even though it usually relates to minor things, I have lost most of my respect for him as a functioning adult. I know if I want something done I either do it or organise it and we are certainly not any sort of team...feels more like I'm dragging him along with me.
Sorry for the rant OP, I totally get you and I understand your frustration with your partner.

Thank you, it is frustrating and if it were just the one issue. I'd maybe be more inclined to just laugh it off in a "if you want something doing..." kind of way.

But, we currently claim universal credit and he outright refuses to pay towards any bills. He says what we get should be enough to pay them and blames me for booking a holiday for me and my children (he refused to go and it was a cheap holiday that I'd saved for months to afford, actually saving a bit from my dla, he is adamant it came out of the UC and uses that as his current reason not to pay anything ("if I give you money towards the bills and that means you have money spare to book a holiday, I've paid got your holiday and I might have left myself short").

I'm applying for jobs and I do wonder what will happen once we're both earning..a different excuse not to pay the bills I'd imagine.

He also drinks far more than he should (over 100 units a week) and he can and does stop for a week when I insist, but then starts again and refuses to go to the gp, saying he doubts he will be bothered to act on the gp's advice so why go in the first place.

It looks awful written down but the problem is he downplays my concerns a lot and almost makes me feel like I'm imaging or exaggerating things.
I've got anxiety so it's hard to know whether I'm right in what I'm seeing and thinking or, as he says, it's not as bad as all that.
And then, I feel guilty when I say I do want to split up.

We got to the point of him viewing a property at one point and he came back, saying when it came down to it, he realised he didn't want to lose me. A month later and we are back in the same position :(

Get rid, he's a lazy, emotionally immature drinker who's overstaying his welcome!

Your anxiety prob wouldn't be half as high living with someone who didn't gaslight you and walk on eggshells around, him clearly being in a mood but refusing to talk about it

Not interested in making your kids birthday special, begrudges you and them a holiday

Just no x

Kick him to touch, OP. You don't need this shit.

So he's just sponging his way through life?

What does he bring to your.life? Get rid of the bugger.

Can you get a stand for the chair instead?

And then, I feel guilty when I say I do want to split up.
We got to the point of him viewing a property at one point and he came back, saying when it came down to it, he realised he didn't want to lose me. A month later and we are back in the same position :(

Aye I'll bet. He did the sums. Stop feeling guilty, he's not your problem.

He's just a piece of shit, isn't he?

Does he work. Sounds like a classic cocklodger to me.

Hmm at least mine contributes financially OP. On balance I'd say yours is an epic waste of space and you should get rid of him.

You know he has to go don't you.

You will find so much of your life improves once he's not in it.I

But until you do manage to get rid of him remember this

It's not you it's him.

Could you try to aim for your Christmas present to yourself this year tho be spending Christmas as a single lady?

Honestly life is way too short for this kind of crap every day.

When it came down to it, he realised that he didn't want to fund his own life. He is not bringing anything to the table by the sound of it.

Looks it, all written down like that :(

@Bananalanacake he's self employed, driveway cleaning. Which is another thing; I'd mentioned yesterday that I really could do with help affording the gas and electricity bill if nothing else, as we are currently £1000 in debit and the money just isn't there to cover it. He just said that his work is seasonal and he's got around a month left of work before it slows until the spring. And that was the end of the conversation. He won't help.

Hopefully I get the job I'm interviewing for at the end of next week and I'll be in a better position to get out.

He should get out, not you. Today!

I wish. He has no family, no friends and we have a joint tenancy :(

Anytime I've mentioned him leaving he says he will do it in his own time.

Last month was the first time he actually had a viewing and I stupidly let him suck me back in again.